When You Can't Stop Scrolling

As members of the social media age, we have experienced firsthand how social media and technology can affect our relationships. Whether we can’t put the phone down ourselves or we are frustrated that our partner is so consumed with their own phone that they can’t pay attention to us, the use of social media may say more about our relationships than we may think.  

As users of social media, we often use this platform to broadcast our relationships or use it as a way to maintain social relationships. Social networking sites tend to showcase the best aspects of our lives; however, the usage may have implications on our current and future romantic relationships.  Relationships used to be developed through face-to-face interactions, but now social media competes in relationship formation and maintenance.

Becoming “Facebook official” as a couple is a relatively new concept that may place one or both partners in a state of stress or anxiety.  One partner may feel anxious about publicizing their relationship , while the other may feel that it’s necessary in order to feel secure in the new relationship². Here’s a thought from a friend of mine who recently started dating her partner:

“It’s just really frustrating. I love social media, but my partner is totally against it. I feel like he’s always nagging on me to get off my phone, but I just want to feel connected to those around me. I just enjoy posting pictures of us together, but he doesn’t seem to get it.”

The motives behind this may be a result of different attachment styles in romantic relationships.  Those of us with more avoidant attachments have more fears of closeness and intimacy. On the other hand, those of us with a more anxious attachment may fall in love quickly, but constantly worry that our partner does not feel the same².  So what role does this play on social media sites?

Researchers have found that sites such as Facebook may contribute to jealousy and conflict among young couples¹.  The jealousy often stems from hypothetical thoughts of a person picturing their partner with someone else. Although everyone can experience jealousy, it is more common (and perhaps stronger) for those of us with a more anxious attachment style, who might be more hypervigilant to what our partner’s post or how they respond to ours and others’ posts.

Perhaps spurred by jealousy, reports of digital dating abuse (or even just electronic invasions of partner privacy) have begun to rise.  For example, we might be tempted to monitor one another’s activities, locations, friends, likes, and relationship status and related posts.  The most common of these behaviors involves invading privacy of the other partner’s account and using social media to locate their partner. This was found in 75% of college couples¹.

           

“I often see pictures my significant other liked and the times at which he was active, leading us into an argument about why he didn’t like my posts or respond to a text from me when I can clearly see he was active on social media. Social media is just another medium through which we can question our relationships and breed distrust with our romantic partners.”

But what does that leave for those of us that avoid social media all together? Those who do not engage in social media use or are fearful of broadcasting their relationship to all of their online friends, may might have higher attachment avoidance.  Of course this is not true of all people, some may still be living in the freedom of only experiencing face-to-face interaction and be securely attached in their relationships.

Social media may additionally contribute to decreased self-image and confidence in a dating relationship due to increased social comparison.  The amount of time we spend on Facebook has been negatively correlated with self-esteem and an increased frequency of posting self-promotional photos.  Receiving “likes” is our attempt to counteract the negativity felt after scrolling through social media. One person I talked with said:

“Using social media also leads to comparing your relationship with the seemingly perfect relationships online and becoming discouraged. It is important to keep in mind that you are comparing your behind-the-scenes fights, rough days, and harsh realities with some other couple’s photo shopped highlight reel that they post on social media.”

So is social media bad? Not necessarily. While these symptoms may account for what some of us are feeling, social media is a powerful means of connecting people and sharing the joys of our romances. So next time you go to post on facebook, check your snapchat, or maybe even peek at your partner’s phone, reflect on what emotions are fueling your social media activity.  More importantly, keep in mind: face-to-face connection with your partner may be a good step in the right direction.

¹Reed, L. A., Tolman, R. M., & Safyer, P. (2015). Too close for comfort: Attachment insecurity and electronic intrusion in college students’ dating relationships. Computers in Human Behavior, 50, 431–438. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1016/j.chb.2015.03.050

²Sherrell, R. S., & Lambie, G. W. (2018). The contribution of attachment and social media practices to relationship development. Journal of Counseling & Development, 96(3), 303–315. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1002/jcad.12204

Casual Sex

Let’s face it, hookup culture is a big part of college, and whether you engage in it or not, we’ve all heard stories from friends and watched TV shows that promote “hook ups” as the norm. Hooking up can mean a range of things, and the term possesses a level of ambiguity that can be exasperating even for the sanest of us, but regardless of how we personally define the term, the emotional effects remain largely the same. That being said, people’s reactions and attitudes toward casual sex vary greatly. Some of us prefer casual sex to relationships, and have a self-proclaimed “fear of commitment”. Yet, there are some of us who shy away from casual sex for fear of getting too attached. Then there are those of us who still prefer monogamous relationships.

Regardless of where we fall on this spectrum, if we desire an emotionally positive experience during casual sex, understanding our attachment styles is a great first step.

What do I mean by attachment style? As we’ve talked about a lot in this blog, there are two categories of attachment: secure and insecure². Those with a secure attachment style find it easy to get close to others, and generally have pretty healthy relationship patterns. Those who are insecurely attached fall into two main categories: anxious and avoidant. Those who are anxiously attached are more likely to worry that others will not be there for them in times of need, whereas those who are avoidantly attached tend to distrust others and strive to maintain emotional distance. 

Our attachment styles are influenced by our earlier life experiences, a lot of which we haven’t had much control over. Some of us have been lucky with our close relationships, and others of us have had life circumstances that are less-than-ideal at times. However, it is still important to understand our attachment style and how that might relate to our attitudes toward casual sex.

Those who are securely attached tend to enjoy casual sex the most out of any attachment style, having the best outcomes and the healthiest attitudes². I asked one securely-attached friend their thoughts on casual sex, and they expressed a fairly-positive attitude:

“I think casual sex can be really rewarding, particularly when the person you’re having sex with is a friend or an acquaintance. Particularly with depression or anxiety, the connection that’s gained through sexual intimacy can’t be overstated. Relationships are lovely and beautiful, but they’re time consuming and taxing and sometimes you just wanna hook up.”

Those of us who are securely attached, like my friend quoted above, have more positive feelings during sex, and feel more confident about their sexual behaviors¹. Whereas, those of us who are avoidantly attached, like myself, have more positive attitudes towards one-night stands, and are more likely to use sex as a tool to improve things like self worth and social status. Anxiously attached individuals generally have more negative attitudes toward casual sex, and often equate sex with love, believing that sex should be saved for relationships. However, all of us who are insecurely attached are more likely to report negative feelings about sex, are less likely to have open discussions with sexual partners about their needs, and are more likely to use substances before sex¹. But, this does not mean casual sex is always a negative experience for those of us who are insecurely attached.

While I do agree that the risks are there for insecurely attached individuals, I also think it depends entirely on one’s motives for seeking out casual sex. Motives have been shown to be better predictors for sexual encounters than attachment style alone². For example, those who are comfortable with, and seek out, emotional intimacy are more likely to engage in casual sex due to their desire to feel close to others. On the other hand, those of us who might be less comfortable relying on others are less likely to seek out casual sex and more likely to keep to ourselves.

If a person enters a casual hook up expecting more (or less) of a connection than what is being offered, then they run the risk of ending up disappointed, and being left with negative feelings of regret.

The best way to ensure that you have a positive experience in a casual sex encounter is to know your attachment style and what that means for you within the context of casual sex, know your limits and know the risks. Be honest with yourself about what you’re looking for, because if what you really want is a committed relationship, then casual sex will most likely leave you with regrets. And most importantly, if you decide to go for it, be sure that you feel safe with your partner and that it is a safe environment.

If you want to read more on attachment styles, check out these posts:

Secure Attachment

Anxious Attachment

Avoidant Attachment

¹Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment and sex. In Attachment in

adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed., pp. 372-392). New York, NY: Guilford Press.

² Schneider, M. E., & Katz, J. (2017). Adult attachment and heterosexual college women’s

hookup behaviors: Mediating effects of sexual motives. Sex Roles: A Journal of Research, 77(5–6), 419–429. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1007/s11199-016-0726-7