Mixed Up in Breakups

More likely than not, at some point, during our lives, everyone will go through a breakup. Whether it was a couple of weeks, a couple of months, or a couple of years, breakups can be hard. They can be emotionally draining and hard to get through, but they can also be relieving and like a weight off your shoulders. Whatever the case, everyone handles these types of situations differently. Some stay in, watch romcoms and eat ice cream. Others go out, dance on bar tops, and drink vodka crans. Everyone has their own way of coping. 

As you can imagine, those with secure attachment styles often handle breakups the best. Due to their tendency to have a better understanding of their relationship, as well as know what they want but still respect their partners, secure attachment individuals have better coping strategies. They have what Davis and colleagues (2003) call social coping strategies, where they use their friends and families to help feel better and to express their feelings. Individuals who have avoidant attachment styles avoid their partners post break up and staying clear of other reminders of them, and use self-reliant coping strategies like drinking and drugs. Anxious attachment styles tend to have greater obsession over their lost partner and try to reestablish it. They also have emotional distress and angry/vengeful behavior, alongside dysfunctional coping strategies such as self-medicating with again drugs or alcohol (Davis et al., 2003). And those with disorganized attachment have mixed reactions to breakups, but are highly associated with using drugs and alcohol to cope with loss. 

And while all of these things are not great ways to handle relationships ending, there are indeed some good things that can arise from them too. An old roommate of mine just ended things with her girlfriend, and I was expecting it to be messy, but I was very wrong.

“Oh yeah, it's like salt in a wound, but I’m a better person because of it. As an anxious person, I was so worried about ending the whole thing and had so many different thoughts and feelings going through my mind. I knew it would be better in the long run, but I was worried about the immediate pain. I do think that although it hurt like a b*tch, we are both better because of it.”

It is a common experience for individuals to feel better after breakups and to become a better version of themselves as a result. What is interesting, however, is that a study found that those with anxious attachment are more likely to experience personal growth after breakups, whereas avoidant attachment individuals are not (Marshal et al., 2013). Their findings indicate that this is because anxious-attached people find relief in removing that stress, whereas in avoidant-attached individuals it acts like a catalyst setting all their feelings on fire that then needs to be out, often with unhealthy coping mechanisms such as drinking (Marshal et al., 2013).

If you find yourself mixed up in your thoughts and feelings about a past, present or even future breakup, know that you are not alone. It is super common for everyone to feel bummed out and upset about these types of situations, especially when you love your partner. I believe that knowing your attachment type can be a protective factor in coping with breakups, as you could maybe be able to identify possible negative coping strategies you might want to indulge in and try to find alternative healthy ones. You got this! Yes, it hurts and yes it might take awhile for that pain to go away, but surround yourselves with those still in your life who love you. Whether you all stay in and watch The Notebook or go out and dance the night away, find happy and healthy ways to cope!