Transitioning into college can be tricky and overwhelming for many students. Leaving home and moving away, making new friends, adjusting to new freedom, and several other reasons can make this time in our lives hard. For some individuals, it can be even more challenging when you are in a relationship. Many relationships that start in high school end up becoming long-distance ones, once partners go off to college. Maintaining these long-distance relationships can look different for different couples based on their attachment styles. Securely attached couples tend to be better off in long-distance relationships than in other attachment styles (Pistole et al., 2010).
My sister Makayla, for example, is in a long-distance relationship with her boyfriend Quincy. She goes to school in Texas and he goes to school in New York. That's just about 1,500 miles and a 23-hour car ride (without stops) away from one another. They have been doing long-distance for about 18 months now at this point and they have had their fair share of struggles. When asked about the challenges of being in a long-distance relationship, she replied with…
“Holy cow, I don’t even know where to start. For beginners, it's super sucky to not be able to physically see and hug him since he is literally 1,527 miles away from me, and yes I memorized that number. It is also annoying to only be able to talk over the phone or on facetime; it gets really old after so many times. The time difference also sucks and it is a lot harder to make time for one another when we both have different things going on in two different places.”
Following up on that I gave her a mini-lesson on the attachment styles and she determined that she and Quincy were most similar to secure attachment. I then asked her if she thought her and Quincy’s understanding of one another and secure attachment made it easier to handle being apart from one another.
“Oh for sure it does. My ability to trust him and for him to trust me makes life so much easier. We also are both super understanding of what each other needs and the struggle of not only being in college but also trying to manage long-distance. We have developed a great communication system between us and I think that has been a huge help alongside just trusting each other.”
This ability for securely attached relationships to do better in relationships like this is not uncommon. According to Pistole and colleagues (2010), individuals who have a secure attachment often have more confidence and motivation to in handling relationship problems. Individuals with other attachment styles, especially fearful attachment, are often seen using less conflict management behaviors to solve issues in long-distance relationships which tends to cause strain in relationships.
But don't worry if you feel like you don't quite have a secure attachment. It does not mean that your long-distance relationship is doomed. There are a lot of ways to change your attachment style and to better understand it in general. In fact, there are several posts on this blog that have great advice, I would recommend checking them out.
Makayla and Quincy are just one example of a successful long-distance relationship. Many things help make the distance more tolerable, and trusting one another, communicating with them, and being understanding are just a few ways to do so. So whether you are 100 miles or 1,527 miles away from your partner, having a secure attachment style can make doing long-distance just a little bit easier.
Reference
Pistole, M. C., Roberts, A., & Chapman, M. L. (2010). Attachment, relationship maintenance, and stress in long distance and geographically close romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27(4), 535–552. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407510363427
Hey Madi,
ReplyDeleteThis is a really great blog post and I enjoyed reading it! Like your sister, I am also in a long-distance relationship. Thankfully he's only about 500 miles away in Albuquerque, New Mexico compared to 1,500, but it is still difficult no less. While I'm not sure we have a secure attachment 100% (because of the anxious and avoidant styles we each brought into the relationship), I really trust him a lot and I can't imagine how much of a strain it would put on our relationship without that trust (especially because I'm the one with the anxious attachment style). I think it would also be interesting to explore how the concept of a "secure base" works in a long-distance relationship-- of course, it is much easier in the new age of technology, but I would imagine that having a lack of access to and being physically separate from one another would change one's ability to view their partner as a secure base... maybe a good topic to consider in the future. Thanks so much for sharing!
I thought that your post was very well written and understandable. After I graduated High School, I had to move to Chicago from Kansas City and leave my boyfriend behind. But, I would say that we did not have a secure attachment and it made the long distance relationship hard. I can see how having a partner that you trust and can count on can really impact satisfaction and outcome of long distance relationships. It was really great to hear your sister had such great success. I also found your source very interesting that those with secure attachment have more confidence and motivation within the relationship. I think that it was a great piece of information to add to your post
ReplyDeleteI find your blog post to be very relatable and well explained. Similarly to your sister, I also came into college in a long distance relationship. Although it is hard to not physically be together, knowing we both have secure attachment styles makes it much easier to allow each other the grow as individuals being apart during this stage of life while maintaining a trusting relationship. I also find FaceTime gets repetitive and it can seem mundane but it is worth it when you can finally see each other again. Also, both of us being on the same page that this is only temporary and we won't be doing long distance forever makes it slightly easier.
ReplyDeleteHi Madi!
ReplyDeleteThis can be difficult to adjust to in a long-distance relationship, particularly if you're used to being near each other. The difficulties that your sister had dealing with her 1,500-mile-away boyfriend Quincy are similar to those that my boyfriend and I are going to encounter this summer. It appears that Makayla and Quincy had a secure attachment style, which may help them deal with the difficulties of distant relationships, according to research. My boyfriend and I can concentrate on developing trust, keeping open and truthful paths for interaction, and being considerate of the requirements of one another, just like Makayla and Quincy. Distance may be easier to handle with these elements. Furthermore, it's critical to understand how attachment styles are adaptable and can develop gradually, so regardless of whether I don't feel 100% connected right now, I can always improve.
Hi Madi,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your blog post about long-distance relationships. It hit close to home for me because when I go off to grad school, my partner and I will likely be doing long distance too.
Your sister Makayla's experience with her boyfriend Quincy was really relatable. I appreciate how you highlighted the importance of trust and understanding in making long-distance work. It’s encouraging to know that securely attached couples can navigate these challenges better.
I’m hopeful that my partner and I can develop a strong communication system like Makayla and Quincy. I know it won't be easy, especially with the physical distance and different schedules, but reading about their journey gives me hope.
Thanks for sharing this—it’s given me some great insights and a bit of reassurance as I prepare for this next chapter.
This is such an informational and incredible blog post and I really enjoyed reading it. I can relate to this because like your sister I was in a long-distance relationship when I started school, but it wasn't it was only about an hour and a half away. I trusted him and it wasn't really necessarily about that I was also interested to explore our relationship and see where it would take us. It was very hard, and it took a toll on me because I could not physically be with my boyfriend and because of that our relationship ended I do think face-to-face is just so important for me when having a relationship and I couldn't imagine prolonging your relationship without that. We did not really have a secure attachment, and this is what made the long-distance relationship very difficult my boyfriend at the time would say he would come up here but then he would say he had plans that interfered and was not able to do so. It was a lot of me just putting in the effort, so it didn't end up working out, but I learned a lot from it and I'm glad it didn't work out it was for the best. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteAllie M
This blog really hit close to home because I've been in two long distance relationships. The first was, just like the blog talked about, right after high school. My now ex-boyfriend and I started dating the summer after our senior year and decided to stay together for another 6 months with a long distance of almost 3,000 miles between us. The second is a 3 year long relationship that just ended after 8 months of being long-distance at the end. Both of these have taught me that whether it's due to my attachment style or the fact that physical touch is a major love language for me, long distance relationships are not for me and don't usually work out. Trusting is not so much part of the issue but not being able to be around the person you call your life partner is really challenging.
ReplyDeleteThis post is highly relevant to my transition into college! When I graduated high school and began college, my boyfriend and I were no longer living in the same state. At the time, I had high hopes that we would prevail but knowing what I know now about attachment styles and dating, our chances of success were slim, not impossible, but slim. Oddly enough, when that relationship did not work out, I found myself in two more long-distance relationships both of which did not work out either. I completely understand the struggles of long-distance relationships but applying the impact of attachment styles brings meaning to long-distance relationship struggles and success.
ReplyDeleteHi Madi!
ReplyDeleteThis post about long distant relationships was reassuring and I found myself relating a lot to what you talked about when it came to your sister's relationship. Unlike some others within this post who have previously had a close-distance relationship that ended up becoming long-distance, I met my boyfriend completely online and have never met him prior. I did have some previous online relationships in the past, which didn't end positively. I believe that the success of this current relationship and the failure of past ones had to do with attachment styles like you explained.
My previous relationship, I'd say our attachment style wasn't secure. My partner showed signs of dismissive-avoidant attachment, and at the face of conflict or disagreement, tended to shut down or run away. Many times, he'd disappear on me for days. On the other hand, I was more anxiously attached, and often seek for his attention and validation. At times, I was too much because of my need to look for answers or wanting attention.
My current relationship is with someone new, but our attachment is secure. Like you stated, communication and trust is essential, and having an attachment that is secure can make things feel a little easier. No doubt, there were obstacles, but if both parties are willing to work it out with an open mind, long distance is possible.
I also believe that long distance relationship may not be for everyone, and it's important to know you and your partner/potential partner's limits.
The transition to college does pose many challenges, especially for students that have long distance relationships. My friend Brian is a perfect example. He and his girlfriend Kelsi began dating in high school but then went to different colleges across the country. They had difficulty communicating and missed physical attention, which strained their connection. However, knowing their relationship’s potential, they created a more secure attachment style. They did this by establishing regular conversations and put aside time each week for virtual date nights. This commitment to openness and mutual understanding transformed their relationship by encouraging trust. Their experience displays how a secure attachment style can drastically help the success of long distance relationships which therefore also assists with the transition into college life.
ReplyDeleteHi Madi, this was a very insightful post to read! I feel that it is unanimously understood that long distance is challenging. Yet, because everyone agrees on this, we don't tend to talk about why it's challenging, and how these challenges can affect us. Hearing the account from your sister makes sense. Being far away from the person you love is never easy, and having to face it every day is exceptionally challenging. One of my best friends goes to university in Colorado. Her girlfriend also goes to university in Colorado, just about 2 hours drive. Although this is much closer than your sister, I still see how challenging it is.
ReplyDeleteHi Madi, this was super interesting to read! I'm in what I would consider a medium distance relationship. For the first part of our relationship, my boyfriend and I lived an hour and a half apart, I lived in our hometown, and he was up at school. Now I'm up at college, and we're only 45 minutes apart, which isn't nearly as far as your sister and her boyfriend, but I do to some extent understand the struggles of a long distance relationship because it's unrealistic for us to see each other every single day. I would agree that attachment style plays into this, though, as we've been together for almost 2 years and have more than figured out how to navigate these challenges. We both have secure attachments to not only each other, but also to family and friends, which I think really helps us in terms of communication when it comes to these challenges. It's definitely never easy, but being able to deal with everything in a healthy way helps!
ReplyDeleteThinking back to a long-distance relationship I was in, I see how our attachment styles played a significant role. Trust and communication, as you mentioned with Makayla and Quincy, were essential for us as well. While I wouldn't say we were fully secure in our attachment, we worked hard to build those traits, and it did make the experience more manageable. Hearing about how secure attachment fosters confidence in problem-solving resonates— it's so true that trust and understanding can bridge the physical distance. For anyone feeling less secure in their attachment style, your reminder that it’s something we can work on is incredibly empowering. Relationships, especially long-distance ones, thrive on effort and intentionality. Your story is a great testament to that, and it's reassuring to know success is possible no matter the miles.
ReplyDeleteThis blog reminds me of when my girlfriend visits her family in Mexico. While it’s not long-term distance like Makayla and Quincy, those few weeks apart still feel challenging. We rely on texting and video calls to stay connected, but it’s not the same as spending time together in person. Trust and good communication make it easier for us, though. We always make sure to check in with each other and share about our days, which helps keep us close even when we’re apart. Reading this post reminded me how much those efforts matter, no matter the distance.
ReplyDeleteI can agree that long-term relationships in college can be difficult. Even though I have not experienced a long-distance relationship personally, a few of my close friends have experienced this. I have learned that attachment styles can help or tear apart a long-term relationship. Trust and communication, which were mentioned in the blog post, tend to be the number one rule within a long-term relationship. By creating trust and having strong communication can create the physical aspect of a long-term relationship, but at the same time, it can be a struggle. By partaking in constant communication can also put a mental strain on the relationship as well, from what a few of my friends have expressed to me.
ReplyDeleteHey Madi, this post helped put into perspective that other people also have the struggle of distance in a relationship. 647 might as well feel like 1500, my boyfriend and I are going a long distance from Fort Collins, Colorado to Atchinson, Kansas. We have been doing long distance for over a year, and it has had its ups and downs, but we are staying strong. We started dating in March of our senior year and I was confused on if I wanted to go into college with a boyfriend. I had so many people saying that I should and the “college experience” is not all that. I had other people saying that I would be stuck in my dorm or feeling guilty at events that had other guys around. I ended up staying with him and it has been great. We both have secure attachments, and we are able to understand as long as we communicate with each other we are able to trust each other. One of the biggest pieces of advice I have for long distance is find things you can do together like play Minecraft, get Legos and build them together over facetime, watch movies, have reading time together or just doing your homework together.
ReplyDeleteHi Madi! This is a great post and is really relatable to many college students. My girlfriend and I met at school, but she lives in Michigan (over 1,000 miles away as well). As we enter winter break, we will have to be long-distance for a few weeks, but I agree that a secure attachment and proper communication will help us get through it. Being understanding of each other and the challenge will be key, just like you mentioned in this post. I also feel inspired by the idea that our relationship could even improve after experiencing long distance because of the added communication challenges.
ReplyDeleteThe long distance conversation as a high school senior about to move to college is something I am very familiar with. My boyfriend and I decided that we would not be doing long distance when we moved to college as we both didn’t have the strongest communications over the phone (mostly him.) We decided to essentially take the label off of our relationship so although he was still in my life he wasn’t necessarily my boyfriend. I think long distance can work for a lot of people but we were very realistic about the fact that neither of us thought that it would work for us. Three years later and I honestly still agree with our decision, it allowed us to end on a note that gave both of us closure and happy memories as our last ones rather than some blow out fight over the phone.
ReplyDeleteIn reading about long distance relationships and attachment, I was able to draw numerous connections to my own life. Last year, my boyfriend and I dated for five months while I was in Spain, and he was in Fort Collins. This came with an eight-hour time difference and a need to use different forms of communication such as WhatsApp. We were able to successfully maintain our relationship throughout this time, and I now see that this may have been due to both of us having secure attachments in relationships. I think that having a secure attachment makes it easier to do long distance dating because you have less anxiety about what your partner might be doing while you are not with them. I think it just makes both partners concerned and more stable.
ReplyDeleteI keep hearing more and more about couples doing long distance and I think that if you can trust and love your partner enough to be able to work through the distance then they truly are the one. My boyfriend and I have been doing long-distance for about three years now and even though each day sucks more then the one before, I started to realize, wow I am really lucky that I get to be able to experience this. One of the best parts of long distance I have found is being able to grow and develop both together and apart. I can have a life that isn't all about him and I am able to find what I love and who I am on my own. There are lots of times when we find weekends that we can spend together and it is so exciting. It makes the weeks go by quicker and makes me feel giddy like I am seeing him for the first time again. My mom always told me that distance makes the heart grow fonder, so when you find someone like this, it is truly love.
ReplyDelete