Why do people cheat? This is a very loaded question, one that is often met with hostility. My sister likes to answer this question the same way every time she is asked about her ex-boyfriend: “because they are insecure little ‘weenies’ and cheating with someone else gives them a twisted sense of power.” There is no one answer, but researchers have found that attachment style influences the likelihood of cheating.
My sister’s ex-boyfriend cheated on her just days after their 2-year anniversary. It broke her heart and she ended things right after that. “I was devastated. 2 years of trust and love and secrets. 2 years thrown out the window.” When I asked her if there were any indicators that he would be unfaithful or if she noticed anything off about him before he cheated, she mentioned that he had become increasingly insecure about himself and whether or not she still loved him. “He was always asking if I loved him or if I wanted to be with him. He was so clingy and was constantly asking for sex. If we weren’t sleeping together all the time, he questioned my love for him.” After listening to her talk about him, I think that my sister’s ex had an anxious attachment style. As we’ve learned in this blog, those of us with more anxious attachment styles tend to be more clingy, hypervigilant, and demand more reassurance.
When it comes to cheating and its relationships with types of attachment styles, it is suggested that people with anxious attachment styles are more likely to cheat than others (Cohen, 2005). They are more likely to second guess thoughts and feelings in the relationship and have lower self-esteem about their role as a partner. Those with anxious attachments may cheat and seek sexual interactions because they equate sex with love (Harvey, 2021). In other words, anxious people think that if someone is willing to have sex with them, that it means they love them. To them, sex is the reassurance of love.
Understanding attachment styles has helped me make sense of my sister’s experience. Her ex, who had an anxious attachment style with her, was constantly in need of reassurance that she loved him, questioned them as a couple, and thought sex was the only way for her to prove she loved him, and when that wasn’t enough, he cheated on her. Although e was never able to give her a reason for why he cheated, his anxious attachment more likely than not played a role in it.
References
Cohen, A. B. (2005). The relation of attachment to infidelity in romantic relationships: An exploration of attachment style, perception of partner's attachment style, relationship satisfaction, relationship quality and gender differences in sexual behaviors (Order No. 3213084). Available from ProQuest Dissertations & Theses Global. (305362570). https://ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/login?url=https://www.proquest.com/dissertations-theses/relation-attachment-infidelity-romantic/docview/305362570/se-2?accountid=10223
Harvey, A. (2021). Relationship Formation and Sexual Intimacy [PowerPoint slides]. Colorado State University Canvas. http://canvas.colostate.edu
Hi Madi,
ReplyDeleteI really like your deep dive into the effect of someone's attachment style and their chance of cheating in a relationship. Hearing about your sister is very sad as she had no idea he would do such a thing after constant reassurance. From my understanding, your sister has a secure attachment style and your sister's boyfriend has an anxious attachment style. This compatibility can work but it will have difficulties such as the need for constant reassurance, potential assumptions, and clear lack of confidence in the relationship's success. I have seen this many times with my friends and their relationships. Often they think the "clinginess" is cute and sweet, thinking he just really loves them. This "clinginess" is always what starts the problems or is the base of all their arguments.
This post was very insightful to me. I would say I have a more anxious attachment style and until reading this post, I had always assumed that people with avoidant attachment styles were more likely to cheat because of their occasional wants to avoid getting close. However, this has definitely opened my eyes to the possibility of it being more common among those with anxious attachment styles. When we are feeling disconnected from our partners, it's possible that if we are not getting the reassurance we want we could be more likely to seek it out in other people. Learning about attachment styles has been so helpful for me because it makes me more self-aware and cautious of the way that I may be acting in relationships. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHi Maddi, this blog post was beautifully written and you demonstrated a formal yet engaging tone throughout. You incorporated the anxious attachment style in a manner that makes a lot of sense, and I liked how you added personal experiences to help readers better understand attachment styles. I have experienced similar events to your sister, and for a long time, I was trying to figure out the reason. He never was able to provide me with a clear answer as to why he cheated, but like you and your sister, I thought back on our relationship and realized he was the most insecure and was always needing reassurance on my love for him. Great work on this and thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHi Maddi, I think this blog was very well written and I really liked how you related it to your own personal life. This reminds me of my own attachment style because I think I tend to be in the middle of the two attachment styles. I think you make a great point that reassurance is needed by an individual experiencing an anxious attachment. If they cannot gain reassurance they may look for it elsewhere or with other people. I also think that attachment styles can reveal why certain behaviors or actions occurred in a relationship. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHello Maddi, This topic is very hard to talk about and it can also be uncomfortable to some. However, I really like the way your sister put said her reasoning on why she believes people cheat. I will say from personal experience I have never had anyone cheat on me that I know of at least, but I do see/ understand where attachment styles can be a factor in this. When you mentioned that usually when an individual is insecure it can lead to some different feelings in the relationship. Mostly if those feelings are not addressed in a good way. With this being said one way to avoid this would be to reassure and talk to each other and be clear about everything. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHey Madi,
ReplyDeleteI found this blog post very interesting, and I think it is interesting that attachment styles influence the likelihood of cheating. It does make sense when I think about it. I think that if people don’t feel secure in the relationship they are in, it can lead to cheating. Now that I think about it, I definitely have the attachment style of your sister’s ex-boyfriend. I do ask my boyfriend if he loves, but after reading your post I could see my actions coming off clingy and demanding for reassurance. I could see people getting sick of these actions, and them stop giving the person not enough reassurance could lead a person to cheating. I am really glad I read blog, and now I can reflect on my actions. Great post!
Madi, Thank you for your blog post. This post was insightful in many ways that I resonated with. I am an individual who identifies with insecure attachment in my romantic relationship and found this helpful and relatable. I am someone in a long term relationship that started when we were in highschool. When we were sophomores I cheated on my boyfriend and confided in him what happened. After reading this post I can confirm that I was associated sex with love, especially with the person I cheated with. This person was a very close friend of mine that I desired to be close to and wanted lots of attention and validation from this person that I felt like I wasn't getting enough of.
ReplyDeleteMadi I found this blog really interesting to read and think about! I find it really interesting to read that your sister noticed her ex boyfriend becoming more insecure with himself before he cheated. I find this research really interesting about the type of attachment styles and figuring out that it may be linked to cheating more. I found it also really interesting to connect the anxious attachment style and needing more reassurance in the relationship is something too that might connect to your sister thinking that she is not enough and needs to prove herself through different ways. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThis is very interesting! I had never thought about attachment style as being a factor in the risk of cheating; however, it makes sense. I have never been cheated on (to my knowledge), but I can relate personally to how romantic attachment relates with security in a relationship which plays a significant role in infidelity. I have been in a relationship in the past where my attachment style with that particular partner was anxious/avoidant, which helps bring some clarity as to why I had cheated on that partner – I’m not proud of it, nor am I justifying that behavior, but this shed some light as to one reason I engaged in that behavior with that partner.
ReplyDeleteI found this post to be particularly interesting because initially, I would have thought that individuals with an avoidant attachment would be more likely to cheat. Given my past relationship experiences, I have only been cheated on by people with avoidant attachments. However, now that I think about it, I can see how individuals with either attachment may have different motives for cheating. People with an anxious attachment style may cheat due to insecurities and people with insecure attachments may cheat due to fear of commitment. Either way, I think that attachment style reflects the behavior of individuals in their relationships and can definitely influence their decision to cheat.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very interesting blog post. Although, I cannot personally relate, I have a few friends who have experienced having been cheated on. It is crazy to think that something that can be so hurtful to one person can be a result of the type of attachment they formed with friends and family throughout development. One of my friends, who had been cheated on before, noted similar attitudes of her partner towards their relationship. I remember her telling me how clingy her boyfriend had become. He constantly wanted her attention and would become upset in every situation where she was spending time with people other than him. It is weird how a person can become so clingy, and then end up cheating on their partner.
ReplyDeleteReading this blog brought up a lot of emotions and memories for me. I am a person that believes if you cheat then it is all on you and not your up bringing or past. Talking about an attachment style and how it affects our decisions but a part of me does not like that it is almost like an excuse for the action of cheating. Which may be problematic but as someone who was cheated on it is almost frustrating to hear someone tell you the reason behind why they cheated as if they were pushed to do it.
ReplyDeleteWhile I was reading this post, I kept comparing similar instances that have happened in real life, as well as in movies! It always seems like the cheater is eager for some sort of reassurance, and when they don’t receive it, they find someone who will give it to them (and therefore cheat). I totally see the parallel with cheating and attachment style. Those who are securely attached tend to not feel the need to question the relationship, nor their worth. They do not need the same reassurance as someone who is more anxious-ambivalently attached, where they are feeling more insecure about themselves and how their partner perceives them.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this post, it made me reflect on my mother's relationship with her ex-husband because he cheated on her. For so long, I wondered why he had cheated on her, but I never considered that his attachment style with my mother may have played a role. However, now that I have thought about it, I think my stepdad had an anxious attachment style as well. For instance, he self-disclosed a lot of negative information about himself, his family, and his childhood early on in his relationship with my mom, and that is a sign of an anxious attachment style (Harvey, 2022). He also frequently accused my mom of being unfaithful, and that is not uncommon for someone with an anxious attachment style (Harvey, 2022). Thank you for sharing this post! It gave me a lot to think about!
ReplyDeleteI found this blog post very insightful as it provided research regarding how much of an influence attachment styles have on cheating. I was surprised to see that people with an anxious attachment style are more likely to cheat because they are secong guessing their feeling in turen lowering self esteem. Due to this, these people seek sexula interaction because it reassures them they are loved. I personally relate to this because in highschool I only felt like my relationships were valid and that I was truly loved if my partner and I were engaging in sexual activity. Understanding this has helped me work away from thoses feeling and seek validation in other healthier means in a relationship.
ReplyDeleteI have never thought to connect whether or not someone’s attachment style could correlate with their ability to cheat on their partner. I agree with the notion that someone with an anxious attachment style is more likely to cheat, as they are often overthinking and associating certain traits of sex with love for their parter. As someone who has been cheated on, looking back I can also notice how my partner was going through a period of insecurity during this time. When people are feeling nervous and clingy, they can often look for outside comfort from people who are not their partner. An anxious attachment style could heighten someone’s insecurities and ability to move forward with these actions.
ReplyDeleteHi Madi,
ReplyDeleteThis topic regarding attachment styles and cheating has always interested me. It is surprising to find out that people who cheat typically show a lot of insecurities during and after the affair. After thinking more about it, I think it is because they may have an internalized fear of their partner doing the same to them. My sister was also cheated on, and when he was always asking for reassurance, she thought it was because he loved and wanted to be with her. It is difficult when you realize all that time the constant begging for love was due to something else. Thank you for sharing your insights.
Annie
Hey Madi,
ReplyDeleteI think this is a really interesting take on how cheating and relationships are related. It is extremely interesting to me to think that there are similarities between individuals who cheat on their significant others. I have never necessarily thought that there could be a connection between the two but reading your words definitely made me think more. I personally have never been cheated on, but looking from the outside on some friends that have cheated or been cheated on by their significant other, this totally makes sense. Insecurities are brought out even in the strongest of relationships and different love languages may not be right for what each partner is looking for. Thank you for sharing!
Honestly I don't agree with this blog. I do not think that a certain attachment style is more inclined to cheat than others. If anything, an anxious attachment style that is more clingy should not want to cheat and find validation with their partner. I could definitely see the other person cheating due to feeling overwhelmed with their partner. People cheat for multiple reasons. Sometimes there is a purpose and sometimes it's a mistake. You live and you learn and If you have cheated or been cheated on or both and know how it feels to better and learn from those experiences and grow as a person so you know how to handle situations in your future relationship.
ReplyDeleteHey Madi,
ReplyDeleteI really like how your blog goes into certain attachment styles and how some of them are more likely to demonstrate certain behaviors more than others. I agree that certain individuals are more likely to act on an impulse because their attachment styles have thought them certain behaviors will get certain results . However, I believe that at the end of the day cheating depends on the individuals morals and whether or not they truly love their partners.
I was interested in this post because I personally have an anxious attachment style. It was interesting to read how people can place sex as love when they struggle with their own self-confidence and self-worth. It also didn't surprise me in a way because with an anxious attachment style, I completely relate to needing more assurance at many times. I feel I can relate to this as well to a degree and that at times I have personally been at a lower point mentally, I have put sex in the place of affection and love when that is not always what equates to love.
ReplyDeleteHey Madi!
ReplyDeleteI really liked your post, I thought it was super interesting. Looking into how attachment styles correlate to the likelihood of cheating is something that I hadn't thought of, even looking into different attachment styles I had only focused on the behaviors associated with that but I think examining them in the context of cheating is interesting. I personally have a mix of both anxious and avoidant attachment styles and I don't think I've ever considered cheating in any type of way, its also important to say that obviously your attachment isn't going to make you for sure a cheater but I don't think I've ever had that push to do that.
Are you more likely to cheat based on attachment styles? I feel that this post relates to a lot of what we have learned in this course! I feel like this relates to someone I once was close to. I once had a friend who is in a long distance relationship and has been dating this person for a couple years. From what I knew there were plenty of issues within that relationship that had caused a lot of problems. It turned out to be an off and on relationship and I had witnessed a lot of mistreatment throughout. I feel that one’s attachment style can play a part in if someone cheats or not. Although evidently it is up to that one person, if you are acting a certain way in relationships it can be hard to break that pattern. I believe that one’s attachment style can play a part in if someone decides to cheat or not.
ReplyDeletei. In the past I dated an individual for 2 ½ years. I saw no indication that this man would ever cheat but within the second year it happened. He was very avoidant from the start of the relationship but had moments where he drew me in like I was tied to a rope. From his past I understood that he wasn’t truly ever loved by his father and in turn he couldn’t find a way to love himself. Though his attachment style was not the same as mine I do not think that due to the attachment that he has is the sole reason to why he cheated. I believe that people who have no respect for themselves cheat and those who have no self-discipline.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who's been in multiple long-term relationships, I would just comment with my own experiences with cheating. I believe there are many factors that contribute to the act being done itself, starting with the attachment style but continuing in with how individuals react with one another, ground rules set, etc. Personally, I've had multiple year+ relationships end through getting cheated on and, while there were similarities, I've at least attempted to make sure it was completely different than previous relationships, yet ended the same way. I will say that maybe this could be because I was younger when it happened and kind of gave up at the start of college so things can't really change yet, but I digress.
ReplyDeleteThis post reminded me of one of my close friend's relationships. Her and her girlfriend broke up after the girlfriend cheated on her. Before the cheating happened the girlfriend had distanced herself and often talked to me about how she felt uncomfortable with the closeness they had developed. This distance caused my friend to stop putting effort into the relationship, which only caused more distance. In the end, the cheating occurred because my friend's girlfriend felt she wasn't receiving the support she needed and decided to seek it out from someone else. I believe that my friend's girlfriend's attachment style likely played a role in her decision to cheat.
ReplyDeleteI found this blog post extremely interesting to think about. Personally, I have never had someone cheat on me, so I do not know the real feelings that flood your body when you find out. However, after reading more of your post it really made me think of the attachment styles that my past boyfriends have had and how that has affected the relationship. For example, my last boyfriend was when I was a senior in high school and he was found to be very clingy which led to our breakup, and your blog post makes me wonder if he grew up having an anxious attachment style.
ReplyDeleteWhile I was reading this blog I was pretty surprised to find out that evidence suggests that individuals with an anxious attachment style are more likely to cheat. The way the blog explains it it makes sense. Individuals with anxious attachment styles are worried about their partner‘s love and commitment to them and this worry may cause them to cheat. However the main reason I was surprised by this was because I believe I have an anxious attachment style. For me I have never considered cheating but I definitely know I am an individual with an anxious attachment style.
ReplyDeleteI think I have always been puzzled on why individuals cheat on their significant other. Before, I thought it came down to their morals, and cheating must make them a bad person. However, as I've grown up, I've learned that there are so many individuals that have cheated on their partner and are not bad people. For instance- both my sisters have cheated on their significant other, but it was only because they were needing more from the relationship than they were getting. It was almost like they were starting their search for their next partner without communicating to their actual partner. I think this post really opened my eyes to attachment styles and how much they really affect a relationship. I have an avoidant and anxious attachment style, so this article was actually really enlightening to me. I will be much more vigilant to my feelings in my relationship to make sure that I am keeping myself accountable.
ReplyDeleteHi, Madi; oddly enough, I had a similar experience to your sister. My ex cheated on me on the day of our two-year anniversary. For a long time, I agreed with your sister’s perspective on why people cheat, but I chose much harsher words than “weenie” to describe him. However, now that I am more removed from the situation, I can see that he also had an anxious attachment style. He did a lot of what your sister’s ex did, constantly asking me if I loved him and if we weren’t sleeping together; We had to sleep on facetime, so he knew I was going out with another guy, he had to have my location constantly, and I wasn’t allowed any guy friends. I know now that his relationship anxiety was what ultimately lead him to cheat, as he told me he “felt as though I was cheating too,” which I think just stems from his need for constant reassurance.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this blog I had so many realizations. Sadly, I have been a victim of being cheated on as well as several other of my close friends which is unfortunate. But now that I am looking back at my ex boyfriend's behavior, I can see that he had an anxious attachment style. I would feel bad because I thought I wasn’t being affectionate enough for him to believe that I really did love him. I was putting all the blame on myself but now I am glad to have realized that it was most likely just his attachment style, not anything I did wrong.
ReplyDeleteHello! I loved reading this post and exploring the relation between attachment styles and cheating. I think individuals cheat for a variety of reasons, however, having an anxious attachment style can have a big impact in relationships. Similar to your sister, one of my best friends was cheated on, one year into their relationship. She also found him to be clingier and require reassurance, and he ultimately sought out another sexual relationship. Like you stated, his anxious attachment style led him to second guess his feelings and his relationship. I don’t believe one can blame their attachment style for their infidelity, however, it is an important concept to understand and consider.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing!
Hi!
ReplyDeleteThis blog post was very insightful and enlightening. Thank you for sharing your sister's experience and your findings. Personally, I have an anxious attachment style, which is very difficult for myself and the partners I find myself with at different times. I am constantly overthinking and searching for reassurance. I am not saying I personally would ever cheat on my partner, but it makes sense that people with anxious attachment styles are more likely to cheat as reassurance and physical intimacy is so important to us.
I read another one of your blog posts and loved it, so I decided to read this one as well. I am not proud of it, but I have cheated on one of my previous partners in the past. I was curious to see if I would be able to figure out why I felt inclined to do it just based on my attachment style. After reading through your post, I reflected that I may have more of an anxious attachment style than I originally thought. The biggest thing that surprised me is that sex can be seen as a reassurance of love for people with an anxious attachment. You have given me a lot to think about, thank you!
ReplyDeleteHi Madi, I though your blog was really interesting! I tend to have a more anxious attachment style to romantic partners and I feel myself needing reassurance a lot of the time and I think that it is true that if people with anxious attachments aren't getting the validation they need, they might look other places. Physical touch and reassurance are often really important to people with this attachment style and I think feelings of overthinking can take over a lot of time and this might contribute to these actions as well. I appreciate that you told your sisters story as well because it really put the content into perspective. Nice job!
ReplyDeleteHi Madi!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your blog post on attachment styles and cheating. I read another blog post about attachment styles and addictions, and it also focused on the anxious attachment style. I have been learning a lot about anxious attachment and how it relates to a lot of different aspects in a relationship. I have also seen my sister go through this exact same situation. Her boyfriend definitely had an anxious attachment and when she left for college it became very obvious to everyone he was worried. He became insecure about her new friends and would check up on her multiple times a day. He had cheated on her in the past and worried that she would do the same, but she would never do that to him. It was a sad situation, and they did end up breaking up. Great blog!
Cheating is such a weird concept that usually does not have a good reason behind it. I think having an anxious attachment style can definitely have a role in someone cheating on their partner, however I think that someone can cheat for many reasons. In your sister’s case, it sounds like his attachment style had an impact on his cheating, but in some relationships I think people cheat because they do not care about their partner or because their partner does not care about them. If someone in a relationship cheats because their partner is not showing them love through any form of love language, it is not only the attachment style of the partner, but the love they felt or did not feel during the relationship.
ReplyDeleteHi Madi. This blog was interesting to read because I have a very similar experience to your sister. However, I stayed in a relationship where this was the case. I think that not having as much knowledge about attachment styles prior, identifying these patterns within my own relationship became increasingly difficult. However, understanding now that anxious attachment styles could contribute to this behavior, it helps me to understand why these things could happen. I think that an important part of these situations is to understand that you should not have to do anything or feel uncomfortable to make someone else feel secure about their position in the relationship.
ReplyDeleteHi! I must agree with your sister in the sense that cheating makes men feel powerful. Insecurity brings out the worse in an individual and I think it allows for someone to feel validated or important because another person wants them and they “can get others' attention” so they feel more confident. I think that anxious attachment styles can be more likely to cheat because cheaters often do it when they aren’t secure or looking for validation elsewhere and they also tend to be more manipulative or play the victim. So rather than owning up to their insecurities, they blame their partner for not being reassuring and forcing them to look elsewhere for attention.
ReplyDeleteThis was my comment sorry didn't mean to be anonymous!
DeleteI really enjoyed this blog post. I have listened to podcast about different attachment styles and how this impacts the relationships that we have with partners and people. In addition to what I have learned in my HDFS class I also believe that the type of attachments that we have can effect our relationships. For myself I have found that even with friendships the ones that had anxious attachment from either party didn't last. In these friendships I found that the worry and sadness the person was feeling about our friendship made it difficult for it to continue. This is because the feelings that they had made it hard to enjoy the good moments because they were worried that it may not last. With secure attachment individuals don't usually feel this sense of worry or insecurity about the people in their lives and what they're doing. However with anxious attachment they person has been programmed to not trust the people around them because as a young child their needs weren't met. Unfortunately as these people grow up it appears that this can effect their relationships because there is a lack of trust. I agree that relationships can be effected by the type of attachments we all have, and in the case of insecure attachment, it can lead to breakup, cheating, or loss of friendships.
ReplyDeleteHi! I found your response to this topic very interesting. I honestly have never thought about the attachment styles of a person who has cheated on their partner before and it is honestly fascinating to me. I am first sorry your sister had to go through that, especially after two years of dating. I think you did a great dive into the research behind this effect of having an anxious attachment style causing cheating to occur. My friend was also cheated on, and honestly I now look at the person who cheated on them had a strong anxious attachment style. They would beg them for sex and my friend wasn’t ready for that, so they went out and found someone who did. They stated they were upset and wanted someone to ‘love’ them. Very interesting.
ReplyDeleteAs a child of divorce that was due to infidelity, this idea is interesting to think about. To think about my dad’s attachment style is not only slightly weird but something I have never thought about. He is a great dad and has built very strong relationships with his children so to think about his attachment in relationships is interesting. I couldn’t tell you honestly what his attachment style is but it would be interesting to see if it is anxious attachment or if it is different and cheating came from something completely different. If I had to pick, I wouldn’t say my dad shows anxious attachment but as the years have gone by, maybe his attachment has changed.
ReplyDeleteHi! I found your analysis and interpretation of attachment style and its relation to infidelity very interesting. I agree with your reaction to your sister’s boyfriend and how his anxious attachment style, likely, contributed to his decision to cheat. This is a difficult and complex issue that involves many factors such as one’s history with infidelity, relationship, and security or sense of attachment. I wonder if this trend could be changed through working on a more secure attachment style. I have noticed this trend in my own life as I have a secure attachment style and simultaneously have never cheated or had an urge to cheat on my partner.
ReplyDeleteHi Madi!
ReplyDeleteI found this post to be very interesting as I have never previously thought about the connection between cheating and attachment styles. While I have had a belief that people who do cheat do it out of insecurity, I had never taken a deeper dive. This assumption of mine was confirmed in your writing and research as you mentioned that people with anxious attachment styles are more likely to cheat than others. While I have never been personally cheated on, seeing it happen to my close friends the connection that I saw between their partners was insecurities within the cheaters. As you also mentioned, I can agree that this is because they are looking for validity and reassurance about themselves in one way or another.
Hello! I enjoyed your article about cheating and attachment styles. I’m sorry your sister had to go through that, I have been there and I hope she’s feeling better about the situation. One thing I do wanna ask is do you think that it applies to all people with that kind of attachment issue?. I feel like people in general cheat because of the need of having something different until they become dissatisfied with the idea of what they thought the other person would be. That’s when I feel the regret hits people and they tend to want to fix what they had broken in their old relationship.
ReplyDeleteHello, this post was such a great read and very interesting. I had never thought about how attachment styles can impact relationships and cheating. This reminds me of my sister's ex-boyfriend who had an insecure attachment and relationship with his parents, which then impacted his relationship with my sister. He got jealous and possessive very easily and eventually ended up cheating on her. This could be related to his family system and insecure anxious attachment to his parents growing up. I have seen this trend occur in other friends and relatives as well. It is important to form secure and loving relationships with your children so they can grow to form good relationships with others.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your post, it reminds me of the things my friends have said when they have been cheated on. There was a lot of overlap within the two stories with a partner asking for reassurance and being clingy to the point where it made the relationship stressful. What I also noticed was similar to asking if the other partner loved them constantly where the other person in the relationship got anxious about them second guessing that they wanted to be together. I had not heard that sex was a reassurance of love, but that now does make sense.
ReplyDeleteThis post was very interesting to me because I had never thought of the correlation between cheating and attachment styles. This reminded me of my brother's ex-girlfriend who constantly needed reassurance and attention because she had an anxious attachment style and then cheated on him. He was very busy with work and traveling for his job that she went out and found someone else who could give her reassurance when he was working to provide for both of them. He was very devastated because he was doing everything for her and she threw a 4-year relationship down the drain. It is important to communicate about things and have talks with your partner so you can work through things instead of cheating on one another. I believe that if they would have communicated better things would have gone down very differently.
ReplyDeleteMadi, I never thought about the connection between cheating and attachment styles until I read this post. It is crazy to believe that the attachment style we have could have an impact on the likelihood that someone is going to cheat. After reading your post, it makes sense that someone with an insecure attachment would respond with insecurity in the midst of an affair. I was cheated on too and wasn;t able to tell from the insecurity of his actions that he was cheating on me because I wasn’t aware of his attachment style. Now I know that attachment styles can be important to know about when entering into a relationship with someone.
ReplyDeleteI remember in high school for a class we had to take an online test to discover our attachment style. For many people learning their attachment style could be a rude awakening due to it being very personal and having to deal with their personal development. I found it very interesting that people with anxious attachment styles are more likely to cheat. Due to them having second thoughts about a relationship. This makes sense to me being in a long-term relationship many people feel the same way and have thoughts of cheating. Now many people look at others' zodiac signs to see how compatible they are romantically. I wonder if one day they will do the same with people's attachment styles.
ReplyDeleteThe first time I found out that my father cheated on my mom I was probably around 12 years old. Since then, I can not remember a time he has not cheated on her. I have always wondered why this was. While reading your blog I began to compare my father to your sisters ex. Perhaps this is why he has always sought other women to validate him and reassure him. While analyzing his persona and how he grew up it all makes sense that he would also most likely have an anxious attachment style. Nonetheless it does not validate his actions.
ReplyDeleteThis blog post felt very relatable. I have had experiences with being cheated on where my partner gets more clingy right before or after they cheat. I have also had experiences where a partner pulls away more and becomes very shut off which feels more like avoidant attachment. Examining the reasons for cheating is very interesting to me and placing at least some of the blame on attachment styles makes a lot of sense. It’s definitely a scary thought that after two years of a seemingly happy relationship that someone would just cheat simply because they feel insecure in their relationship, it feels like communication could play a big role in this as well.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this blog post. It makes sense that anxious attachment has to do with cheating and how someone can feel insecure and unstable in their relationship. I can not imagine what being cheated on would feel like and hope that it would never happen. It seems like the hardest part may be just never getting a clear answer to why it happened. It is also interesting to me that to some, sex may equate to love. My brother was cheated on which I thought was crazy because he would always tell me how clingy and obsessed his girlfriend was, but now I could see how it could have been a front to deeper emotions of wanting more reassurance and validation from him.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this blog post, I am not surprised that this particular instance ended with an ex-boyfriend that cheated based on his anxious attachment style. Anxious attachment styles tend to, per as mentioned from the post, have tendencies to need constant assurance and are insecure. It makes me wonder about the reasons someone with an avoidant attachment style would have to cheat. I feel like that would fall under not wanting to resolve issues with their partners, not wanting to resolve any conflict within themselves, and having generally low self esteem. I feel like cheating may have more to do with anxious attachment styles than avoidant attachment styles, however, because of their constant need for reassurance.
ReplyDeleteThis blog was very interesting. I had never thought about cheating being more common with a certain attachment style, but after reading this blog it makes a lot of sense. My ex boyfriend who cheated on me had an anxious attachment style. I never saw it coming because like the sister's ex in this blog, he was constantly asking me if I still loved him and was very clingy. After the cheating had occurred when I asked him why he did it, he had a very hard time explaining himself. He ended up telling me that he was feeling bad about himself and was seeking something to make him feel better. This explanation matches up with the research findings that people with anxious attachment style may cheat because they are seeking sex which they equate to love.
ReplyDeleteI never considered attachment style being related to cheating, but after reading the article I understand a little better on how this can influence a person to cheat. I used to believe that people who cheated were insecure of themselves and didn’t care for the feelings of others. Now, I know that insecurity is related to an anxious attachment style. My mom used to always tell me that insecure or toxic partners always were insecure or toxic because of what they were doing behind your back that they wouldn’t want to be done to them. For example, if your partner doesn’t let you go out with friends, then it might be because of what they do out with their friends that they’re so insecure. Understanding attachment styles is so important and this is another reason why.
ReplyDeleteI think that this is a fascinating idea. I have considered how attachment styles affect the child-parent relationship through childhood development, but I never quite related attachment styles to adult romantic relationships. After reading this I considered how insecurity can be a big part of the anxious attachment style. With this insecurity comes doubts about ones self and your relationship, and this can lead to situations such as cheating where one can get even more validation to lessen their insecurity. This blog posted also enlightened me about a similar situation I went through, and it easier to understand what happened, now knowing about the impact of the anxious attachment style, and its relationship with feeling insecure.
ReplyDeleteThis made a connection that seemed to clarify a lot of things for me. Something similar had happened to me actually with a past partner and I never thought to think about attachment style and how that comes into play. I totally agree that having an anxious attachment style could correlate with how their love language is physical touch. From experience though, it is not healthy because then the partner starts to feel like they're just loved for their body and nothing else. Although relating the attachment style to teaching and bringing a potential factor, it still should not be used as an excuse to justify this behavior. I truly appreciate the correlation though, its insightful for people who find themselves in situations like these to be able to better understand each other. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI found your writing to be very beneficial. It helped me to get a sense of clarity towards the reason my my my older brother and his ex girlfriend broke up. I always had so many questions as to why she would think he would be breaking up with her all the time. She's an anxious ridden girl who deals with insecurity. Now realizing it could be due to an anxious attachment style where she isn't confident enough to be on her own. I got a sense of clarity as to why not even a month later she was dating a new guy. Its honestly sad that individuals cant be alone as I feel like after a relationship that is the biggest time of growth for someone. Going into college 2 weeks out of a relationship gave me a sense of freedom and helped me look at life differently. I will forever be grateful I went into college alone as not having a significant other has helped me grow only for the better as an individual.
ReplyDeleteHello, I really enjoyed your article on anxious attachment styles. I am sorry your sister had to go through that and hopefully this gave her a sense of peace. I have gone through this experience as well and it was always the worst feeling that I had to show that I loved him through physical intimacy. The relationship was really damaging and toxic. Although I have an understanding of the anxious attachment style, I was wondering what causes someone to get an anxious attachment style. I think it is really interesting to know why he had that attachment style and if I influenced that style in any way.
ReplyDeleteI really liked how you elaborated on how you thought he had an anxious attachment style. I watched someone go through a very similar experience with needing constant reassurance and ways that might not even be possible. This attachment style can end up very unhealthy for both partners. Although people would typically just feel bad for the partner that got cheated on there are deep rooted issues with the person with that attachment style. The person I referred to earlier in this post had a strong rooted fear of abandonment from growing up and that fear continued in every relationship they had created an anxious attachment and constant need for reassurance in love that came from growing up, and trying to fill voids that future relationships aren’t able to do.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this take on cheating and why some people do it. It helped me also make sense of my past relationships. I never thought about how an attachment style could affect a relationship in that way. It was crazy to me because my past boyfriend who cheated on me was also very insecure. I was not allowed to hang out with anyone else and he would constantly need to be around me. He also used sexual things as a way to feel close and loved. If I were to say no to him he would always ask me if I still loved him and use the excuse of you never know what's going to happen tomorrow. When we broke up he continued to tell me that he wanted to buy me dinner every week and still see me. I believe that he was so insecure he just wanted the title and support of having a girlfriend. Looking back, he was a very toxic persona and used that title as an excuse to manipulate me. He clearly had an anxious attachment style which I now believe contributed to his actions.
ReplyDeleteI think most things can be traced back to attachment styles, so I enjoyed this take as to why cheating occurs. One of my best friends has an anxious attachment style and it dictates her behavior in relationships, especially romantic ones. She often reads into things too much, needs lots of reassurance, is clingy, and gets jealous very easily. I can also tell that she uses romantic relationships as a way to fill the void, because she doesn't have much love for herself. Although it takes some hard work, attachment styles can be fixed and can greatly benefit when people work on improving them to become more secure.
ReplyDeleteThis was an interesting post and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I personally can relate to this because, like you, I have multiple people in my life giving me different reasons why people cheat. When asking my father about this topic he usually just says that no one really knows why someone cheats and it usually stems from a bigger problem. When looking at it through an attachment perspective it is clear to see why people do what they do depending on the attachment style they choose to portray. I personally feel that it is very important to see the type of attachment style you are when in a relationship. As you mentioned, anxious people are more likely to cheat in a relationship than someone who has an avoidant attachment. This alone can help us understand other people's relationships as well and kind of give reason to why people do what they do.
ReplyDeleteI've always taken an interest in romantic relationships and cheating. I can definitely see how someone with an anxious attachment style is more likely to cheat. However, in my experience, my ex-girlfriend has an anxious attachment style; she was often insecure about herself in our relationship and was often asking for reassurance that I still loved and cherished her. It could also very well be that we were doing long distance. That being said, she hated the idea of cheating and had never engaged in any activity that remotely resembles infidelity. Also, she often stated that she could easily exit a relationship if her partner cheated, even though she possesses an anxious attachment style. We ended up terminating our relationship as a mutual decision on the fact that we disliked doing long distance. I think that although attachment styles can be predictors of the likelihood of infidelity, it's important to not leave out the other variables such as personal core values, identity, and cultural norms.
ReplyDeleteThis really stuck out to me. I have had friends who have either been cheated on or have cheated in their relationships. I never thought that it was due to their attachment styles. Looking back at how my friends who had cheated in their relationships acted you can definitely tell that they had an anxious attachment style. Those friends always were scared that their significant other was losing interest in them or that their significant other didn't think they were attractive enough. They even thought they didn't love them anymore. Before reading this I always thought that they cheated on their partner because they just didn't have feelings anymore but after reading this it helped me realize that it was because of their attachment style.
ReplyDeleteI loved this blog because I have once had this issue with a previous girlfriend. She would always bring up how it does not seem like I love her the same as when we were a year into our relationship. I continuously told her that I love her and it has not changed. We sat down and I explained to her that nothing has changed and I love her so much. A few weeks after our conversation my friend had told me she cheated on me with a kid from another school. I realized after she tried to explain herself that she had an anxious attachment style and was trying to feel better about herself and where we were in our relationship. I broke up with her and we were together for a year and a half.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this blog because it helped me have a bigger idea of how having an anxious attachment style affects the minds of people. I have an anxious attachment style and to know that other people think the same way as me is helpful. I do equate sex with love and feeling the need to always have that reassurance from my partner, but I have grown tremendously and know that it is not something I can constantly have. While some of my own problems with my partner come from our sex life, I had to learn that love does go hand in hand with always wanting sex as I was taught through other relationships.
ReplyDeleteHey Maddi, thanks for diving into attachment styles and how they relate to cheating. I've always been aware of my anxious attachment style, but I have not been aware of how that translates to sex and the idea of love. I've never been able to verbalize the idea that sex equates to love in my brain but looking back at times in my life I think it did. I've been in 2 relationships that ended in infidelity as well as seeing my parent’s relationship end due to infidelity, so this topic hits home. Excited to learn more about this topic moving forward. Excited to dive down the rabbit hole.
ReplyDeleteI really liked reading this blog because it gave me a better sense of attachment styles and how that can play a role in the feeling of security in a relationship, and how that can influence cheating. I would classify myself as leaning on the anxious attachment side and I resonated with some of the feelings described in this blog. I never really thought about how someone that feels insecure in a relationship will cheat, in fact I would have expected the opposite, being dedicated and "ride or die" for their significant other. While there can be many contributing factors to cheating, I think looking at it through a lens of attachment styles is very unique and gives us lots of insight into how personal factors effect cheating in a relationship.
ReplyDeleteThis post really stuck out to me. Similar to her sister I was also in a committed relationship that ended when my partner cheated on me. This came as a complete shock to everyone. My ex boyfriend is a family orientated person, he regularly goes to church and has a good sense of respect and morals. He is a genuine good person and I still believe that, which made me question why he would cheat on me. He would cry to me saying how he cant believe he would do that and doesn't know what came over him. Until I read this post I didn't connect his cheating with an anxious attachment style. He needed the reassurance that the other girl gave him. Although it will always be hard to comprehend why anyone cheats, this blog opened my eyes.
ReplyDeleteHi Madi! This post was very interesting to me and I wonder if there are more studies published that go more in-depth on the varying attachment styles and likelihood of cheating. I agree and have seen anxious attachment styles be more prone to cheating. My friend with an anxious attachment style often cheats on her boyfriend because she so desperately needs constant validation from anywhere she can find it. It is quite sad really. One of the first red flags I notice is when a partner is constantly questioning the other partner's faithfulness it often signals to me the partner is anxious that the other partner is cheating because they are cheating.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoy this topic of attachment styles and how it impacts relationships. It’s so interesting that insecure remarks about themselves may be an indicator of cheating as well as an anxious attachment style. When I think of anxious attachment there is someone who I immediately picture who couldn’t fit the description more. I have nothing against this person as this person is someone very near and dear to me. However, this person has a tendency to cheat on their significant others. It makes complete sense that there would be correlation between anxious attachment and cheating. I think research on this correlation is an opportunity for those with anxious attachment to become more self-aware and find other ways to manage feelings of insecurity.
ReplyDeleteCheating can come from deeply ingrained insecurities that are closely tied to attachment styles. A friend of mine experienced a similar situation when her boyfriend showed symptoms of an anxious attachment style and eventually became unfaithful. He would often seek her approval and express fears of her leaving him. As time went by, his attachment grew and he would often need reassurance of her feelings for him. This pressure overwhelmed her and reduced the emotional connection to him. Eventually, he sought attention elsewhere by believing that encounters with another person would regain his self value. Understanding how attachment styles apply shows how unhealthy requests for validation can lead to cheating. Noticing these patterns can help individuals view their relationships more wisely and empathetically.
ReplyDeleteI am anxiously attached to my boyfriend so I found this post especially engaging. I relate to the ex-boyfriend feeling increasingly more anxious with time, however, this increased anxiety couldn’t drive me to cheat on my partner. For me, I believe that this anxiety comes from the growing risk of my investment in my partner- meaning, the longer I am with him the greater the risk as we have more to potentially lose in the case we breakup, are cheated on, or God forbid- pass away. It’s one experience to be cheated on a few months into dating, while it still hurts, you haven’t had the time to invest a whole lot into your partner. Versus being cheated on after a year or more into a relationship. In a longer period of time it’s easier to assume you’ve been vulnerable with your partner whether that be physically, emotionally, mentally or a mix of all of the above. You’ve geniuely considered or even planned on a future together, perhaps you’ve even moved in with this person, are engaged, married, or even have children together. Being anxiously attached is so difficult, I believe it gets better through time, but that doesn’t mean the “getting better” is a linear process.
ReplyDeleteThis is such an interesting topic, and honestly, it makes a lot of sense! It’s interesting to think that attachment styles could play such a big role in why people cheat. For people with anxious attachment styles, it sounds like cheating can sometimes happen because they’re looking for constant reassurance. Since they can see sex as a way to confirm love, they might turn to other people if they feel insecure about their partner’s feelings (Cohen, 2005). It doesn’t excuse cheating, of course, but it’s eye-opening to see how attachment styles might explain some of this behavior. Knowing about this could actually help people be more aware of how their insecurities affect their relationships.
ReplyDelete• Wow, that is super interesting that those with an anxious attachment style are more likely to cheat than other attachment styles. I find attachment styles so interesting and how they can impact people in their day to day lives. I never really thought about cheating being more of a personality trait for lack of better words and not just to be a ‘weenie’ like your sister said. It is interesting to hear this so going into my next relationship and hearing about my friends relationships I am able to better educate myself and others on the potential cheating risk that can occur.
ReplyDeleteIt definitely makes sense, to some extent, to me, that individuals with anxious attachment styles may be more likely to cheat. Not to generalize, but I can see insecurity in relationships as a result of this attachment style, resulting in the desire to, and action of cheating. I have dated people who have this attachment style, and although it never came to cheating, the signs that your sister saw, such as insecurity and constantly wanting sex were present in the relationship. I think that this attachment style, if not addressed, can lead to a lot of relationship issues, which is why therapy and communication with your partner is important if you feel this way.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very interesting situation to read about. It gives perspective on why people cheat and possible situations with attachment style. It is super interesting to hear that another reason people cheat is to feel loved. This is a sign that the other person loves them and is willing to have sex with them so it makes them feel secure. Attachment styles definitely apart and cheating in relationships. If a person is second-guessing, how much their partner loves them or if they love them or if they are going to stay with them, then it may lead to them, deciding to take matters into their own hands. Sometimes self Sabotage definitely apart in cheating. If something is going really well for a person and they are having second thoughts, then it might cause them to self sabotage and cheat.
ReplyDeleteThis blog made me reflect on how attachment styles can significantly impact relationships, including issues like trust and infidelity. Before learning about attachment theory, I thought cheating was purely about a lack of morality or respect. Now, I understand how attachment styles, like anxious attachment, can lead someone to seek validation in unhealthy ways, such as through infidelity. It’s heartbreaking to think how someone’s insecurities, like the need for constant reassurance or equating love with sex, can spiral into actions that hurt their partner. It also made me think about some past relationships where I noticed signs of anxious attachment. I remember being with someone who constantly needed affirmation about where we stood and whether I cared about them. While this didn’t lead to cheating, the pressure of constantly reassuring them created a lot of emotional strain and made it harder to feel balanced in the relationship.
ReplyDeleteCheating is such an interesting topic to debate because most people know the immoralities behind cheating, yet it happens so often. It does make sense how attachment style can influence whether someone cheats as people with insecure attachment styles have lower self-esteem in relationships. While other factors can contribute to cheating, having an insecure attachment style can have a great influence. I like how you mentioned that anxious attachments are more likely to equate sex with love, which becomes a form of reassurance for them. I think a strategy that could help those with anxious attachment styles is to encourage them to be honest about their concerns and fears in a relationship.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading about your deep dive into the variety of attachment styles and their likelihood of cheating on their partner. I really apologize about your sister's experience, that is a horrible situation to experience. You maintained a professional tone, as well as sharing personal experiences which I sincerely appreciated because it helped me connect with attachment styles further. I find it hard to understand why people decide to cheat, however reading your sister's experience gave me some perspective into this subject matter. I can relate on the aspect of experiencing someone have insecurity before they decide to cheat, that is usually the pattern that I have noticed when my friends or family members have been cheated on.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who really enjoys learning about the different attachment styles, your post was very interesting. It makes a lot of sense for an anxious attachment style to have a correlation with cheating in relationships. While reading your post, I was able to relate your sister's experience to that of my sister. Her boyfriend also cheated on her. A lot of his characteristics point toward an anxious attachment. I had never analyzed the end of her relationship in this way before now. It is very helpful to further understand the possible reasonings behind these things. The more I learn about each of these styles, the more I see that this factor influences just about every area in a person's life.
ReplyDeleteI've never considered how attachment styles may impact infidelity, but some of the characteristics associated with those who have anxious attachment styles seem to align more with this behavior. Those who are anxiously attached often want closeness and appear more needy, seeking frequent reassurance. I think this information could be particularly helpful for those who have been cheated on. I've had many friends whose partners were unfaithful, and they often believed this to be due to a personal flaw and not because the other person was seeking validation. Though it is certainly no excuse, it sounds like most people decide to engage in such behaviors because of their own self-beliefs and feelings of inadequacy rather than a desire to hurt the other person.
ReplyDeleteThis was a very interesting read. I actually found it surprising that people with an anxious attachment style were more likely to cheat, as I thought people with an avoidant attachment style were more likely to cheat since they did not express their emotions or communicate as much as anxious attachment style individuals. I think that people cheat for multiple reasons, but the attachment styles have a major role in it. I know a friend that had her boyfriend cheat on her, but the boyfriend had an avoidant attachment style. He started to not want to communicate with her as much and he didn’t want to work out their problems. It can be helpful to understand why people cheat based on their attachment style.
ReplyDeleteReading this post, I think I can definitely see the correlations between certain attachment styles and likelihood of cheating. I think especially when it comes to relationships, attachment styles can influence a lot of our decisions and the way we are in a relationship so for me it was not surprising that there would be a relationship between attachment and cheating. One thing I wonder is if knowing each other's significant other’s attachment style can play a role in decreasing the likelihood at all. I don’t really have much experience with cheating, so it’s not something I can directly relate to, but I think knowing this information now, it will be something I will be thinking about in the future.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who has an anxious (and avoidant) attachment and has cheated in a past relationship, this blog was very interesting to me. At the time, I didn’t think my cheating was because of my attachment style, but after reading this blog, I think, along with some other factors, it definitely played a big role in my actions. Because of my low self-esteem, I was always questioning whether my partner truly loved me and why they loved me. I never felt worthy of their love, and I wasn’t really committed to the relationship in the first place. I looked for love elsewhere, but still didn’t find it, and it left me lost.
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