Quarantine, Attraction, and Attachment: Are you COVID crushing?

 

Is it just me, or has being in a pandemic totally tricked our brains about love and connection? After spending almost a year with only a fraction of my usual personal interactions, it seems that coming back into a new normal is not seamless. On the one hand, I feel more independent and content with myself than ever. On the other, I am desperate for human connection. I was curious how attachment style may influence our experience of relationships in unprecedented situations, and decided to ask a friend of mine, Tanya, about her recent interactions. Based on the characteristics explained in lecture by Dr. Harvey (2021), Tanya identified herself as leaning more toward an avoidant attachment style, unlike myself as I tend to be more anxious. Yet, she shared with me that she relates to my experience of feeling polarized, saying,

“It’s like I fall in love a little bit every day. I will see a cute guy in my apartment building, and for the next 24 hours, I will be sure that he’s the one. I’ve got our wedding planned; our children’s names picked out. But if he were to actually come up and talk to me or, god forbid, ask me out? I wouldn’t know what to do. I’m not really the type to go on dates with complete strangers, because I am typically happy on my own.”

When I asked her if this was new behavior for her, she said yes, explaining that she didn’t feel these obsessive crushes before.

“Someone usually has to really impress me to get my attention, but now, it’s like anyone is up for grabs. I guess I was fine being alone when it seemed like there was always the option available. Since quarantine, though, I realized I need people more than I thought.”

Tanya may be experiencing the influence of the Halo Effect, a phenomenon in which one perceives more attractive faces to also be more trustworthy. Research has generally shown that securely attached people exhibit the Halo Effect more strongly because they are less wary of others. Results from a recent study by Gabrieli, Lim, and Esposito (2021), complicate this, though. In their study, participants were randomly assigned to watch one of three videos depicting either couples hugging, a news clip on the importance of social distancing, or a short nature video, and were then asked to rate the attractiveness and trustworthiness of human faces. Researchers found that people who were shown the video of hugging or of social distancing made stronger judgements on the faces and, regardless of the individuals attachment style, showed more of the Halo Effect. The authors hypothesized that this was because when people are exposed to either the idea of being near others or the threat of being away from others, they are more invested in making quick decisions about strangers who may offer them comfort and connection (Gabrieli, Lim, & Esposity, 2021). This could explain why Tanya, who has lacked time to socialize and connect, is drawn to strangers she finds attractive much more strongly than she was previously.

Although this was an ambitious study that will need far more research to fully understand, it certainly points us in an interesting direction as we continue to explore how attachment style and experience of isolation may impact each other. This also adds to the debate around whether attachment styles are states or traits (Harvey, 2021) because it shows that our attachment style may not be an inherent quality, but instead fluctuates based on the situation. I, too, have personally felt shifts in my attachment style over the pandemic. Unlike Tanya, I have become less invested with strangers because I have somewhat adjusted to being more isolated. Yet, the relationships I do form have become highly important to me, and I demand more from the people I interact with.

So, I am curious: have you become more or less preoccupied with relationships since the pandemic? Do you feel any of your attachment behaviors have changed, or maybe your entire attachment style? Let me know in the comments!

 

Gabrieli, G., Lim, Y. Y., & Esposito, G. (2021). Influences of Social Distancing and attachment

styles on the strength of the Halo Effect. PLoS ONE, 16(8), 1–16.

            https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1371/journal.pone.0256364

Harvey, A. (2021). Couples and attachment [PowerPoint Slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State

University Canvas site for HDFS 402.  https://colostate.instructure.com/

courses/133036/pages/module-9-overview?module_item_id=4055555.

Is your attachment style breaking your heart?

 

Last year, a close friend of mine and recent graduate from CSU, Cassidy, went through a whirlwind relationship that ended in heartbreak. Now in a much healthier relationship, she sat down with me and opened up about where she thinks it at all went wrong. Having prior knowledge of attachment styles, she immediately labeled herself as very high on attachment anxiety, and identified with many of the characteristics described by Dr. Harvey (2021) such as a constant need for reassurance, a need to be close to her partner, and fear that she is more interested in the relationship than her partner is. She guessed that her previous partner was also anxiously attached and exhibited many of the same behaviors as herself.

              Cassidy says that at the start of the relationship, everything was perfect. She had never dated another woman, so it was their immediate chemistry and attraction that made her willing to go public. She mentions that, having no experience in a queer relationship, she thought their quick obsession with each other was normal, stating, “I know how close I am with my female friends, so it just made sense that having a romantic version of that closeness would be incredibly intense.” Quickly, though, their bond became toxic. Her partner was increasingly insisting on more and more time together, sharing deeper aspects of their personal lives, and feeling jealous about her other friends or hobbies. “I noticed that I started hiding her behavior from my friends, claiming that I was the one who had set up a date, or that I agreed with her about sharing our phone passwords and monitoring each other’s time,” Cassidy said.

              I asked Cassidy about how they acted when they were actually together. She explained that conversations started out happy, but soon became centered on undermining and questioning. Her girlfriend often accused her of not loving her enough, or not spending enough time with her. In the moment, she would often accept blame and apologize, but then later she would start her own argument, looking for revenge. I followed up with this by asking how that compared to her current relationship. She replied: “I did grow a lot from that relationship, so in some ways I was more ready for my new one. In a lot of ways, though, I am the same. The real difference is my new partner. She understands my anxiety, and we balance each other out. Every conversation doesn’t have to escalate, even ones that are challenging. I feel more like myself with her.”

              Cassidy perceives her new partner to be securely attached, unlike herself and her previous partner, who she identified as anxiously attached. Research from Domingue and Mollen indicated that couples with 2 securely attached partners had less negative communication styles, less demand-withdraw patterns, less avoidance, and less withholding compared to couples with at least one insecurely attached partner. In other words, 2 securely attached individuals showed better overall communication skills. Yet, unlike other studies, their data did not find that having one securely attached partner and one insecurely attached partner (like Cassidy’s relationship) was beneficial (Domingue & Mollen, 2009). Although Domingue and Mollen’s results did not support this, one could see how having one person with secure attachment in the couple may improve communication, such as in the case of Cassidy and her new partner, so more research in this area is necessary.

 Personally, I relate to Cassidy’s experience, and feel that my partner greatly impacts my attachment style as well as how I communicate attachment related needs. If you are willing to share your thought or experiences on this, please do! You may help other students overcome their messy relationships, or remind them that they are not alone.

 

Domingue, R., & Mollen, D. (2009). Attachment and conflict communication in adult romantic

relationships. Journal of Social & Personal Relationships, 26(5), 678–696. https://doi-

org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1177/0265407509347932

Harvey, A. (2021). Couples and attachment [PowerPoint Slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State

University Canvas site for HDFS 402.  https://colostate.instructure.com/

courses/133036/pages/module-9-overview?module_item_id=4055555.

Chat rooms and attachment: Is social media ruining or revealing your relationship?

 

            With technology use only increasing, and after a year and half of social distancing, it is not surprising that online relationships, whether on social media or dating sites, are taking over more of our time. Although social media has many benefits, it does not come without risks, especially if you are already in a committed relationship. Based on my own experience and class lecture material (Harvey, 2021), it seems most people agree that cheating on your partner is not simply limited to physical contact but includes emotional connection and behaviors that can take place as easily online as they can in real life. To find out more about infidelity in the digital age, I started with the research.

              McDaniel, Drouin, and Cravens recently investigated the relationship between social media use, attachment style, and relationship satisfaction. To understand participants social media use, they asked questions about online behavior (such as “I sometimes chat with past romantic partners,” or “I give people online personal, emotional information instead of my partner”) and about perceptions of their behavior (“I would feel uncomfortable if my partner read my online messages”). Overall, few participants reported infidelity related (IR) behaviors or perceptions; however, in those that did, researchers found that couples who reported higher IR engagement and also showed lower relationship satisfaction, a relationship they interpret to be bi-directional. Additionally, despite both insecure attachment styles predicting increased IR engagement, it was anxiously attached participants that showed the most significant correlation to lower relationship satisfaction.

              I was curious about how these results may be altered if the behavioral and perceptual categorize had been distinguished. Lauren, a third-year student here at CSU, considers herself generally securely attached to her long-term boyfriend but, when distressed, leans toward avoidant. She provided some comments on this topic, saying:

              “I think people write too many labels about what is or is not ‘really’ cheating; a 3 second hug is fine, but a 6 second hug would basically be an affair. I don’t want to be like that, though, especially when it comes to online. I never want to ask him [her boyfriend] about how many girls he follows on Instagram, or how often he likes their pictures. He knows in his heart if he is doing something wrong and, eventually, whether he wants to tell me or not, the effects of that will be seen in our relationship. ‘Really cheating’ is not the only justifiable reason to end things.”

              This statement was very interesting to me in the context of the study, since several participants were concerned about their partner seeing their messages but did not report actually doing anything they or their partner would consider wrong. Based on Lauren’s experience, it could be true that internet usage becomes a problem only when the couple thinks it is a problem, regardless of their real online behavior. However, this is likely not true in all cases. For example, if one partner has been unfaithful online by sending clearly flirtatious message, let’s say, then the other partner might have heightened awareness of their actions in the future. This would be an example of how behavior, not just their thoughts, impact the relationship and change patterns. If you have never experienced infidelity and have a happy relationship, I can imagine that you would have different opinions on trust than if you had been in negative or unfaithful relationships, especially if you are already prone to attachment anxiety.

              What are your thoughts and experiences related to online infidelity? Do you think infidelity related behavior is the cause of relationship problems, or simply a manifestation of them? Do you think your own history and attachment style influence the limits you set for your partner? I would love to hear from you!

 

Harvey, A. (2021). Infidelity and Affairs [PowerPoint Slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State

University Canvas site for HDFS 402. 

https://colostate.instructure.com/courses/133036/pages/module-11-

overview?module_item_id=4055561.

McDaniel, B. T., Drouin, M., & Cravens, J. D. (2017). Do you have anything to hide? Infidelity-related

behaviors on social media sites and marital satisfaction. Computers in Human Behavior, 66, 88–

95. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1016/j.chb.2016.09.031