“Just Leave Me Alone!” A quick guide to understanding and communicating your attachment needs.
So hopefully at this point, you know what your attachment style is. If not, go check out the other awesome blog posts to figure it out! Unfortunately, when we have insecure attachment styles, it can make communicating with our intimate partners difficult. This post will help you understand some of your attachment needs and some common behaviors that people with anxious and avoidant attachment styles display. Then, I will give you examples of how to own your needs and communicate them effectively to your intimate partners.
Avoidant Behaviors:
● Attempt to maintain independence[i]
● Distancing coping strategies[ii] (removing themselves from conflict etc.)
● Fear of intimacy[iii]
● Denying partner’s attachment needs[iv]
Anxious Behaviors:
● Vigilant about partners pulling away [v]
● Clinging[vi]
● Demanding[vii]
● Fear of separation[viii]
● Over expression of needs[ix]
Anxious Needs:
● Closeness with partner[x]
Avoidant Needs:
● To feel appreciated[xi]
Note* This is not a comprehensive list
I interviewed my brother, Charlie, and his girlfriend, Bea, about their communication patterns and whether they thought it was impacted by their attachment styles. They told me:
Bea (anxious attachment style): “I definitely struggle with explaining to Charlie that my fear or abandonment can make me behave in ways that I realize aren’t even helpful. I tend to cling and accuse him of things when I’m feeling disconnected. This can impact his response for sure.”
Charlie (avoidant attachment style): “Yeah. I usually shut down and get angry when I feel like I’ve done something wrong so it’s hard for me to put myself in her shoes.”
Although these are common responses for these attachment styles, it is possible to slowly break this cycle of communication and help tune into your partners needs during conflict. These examples are suggestions made by my therapist and examples of phrases that my partner and I try to use to break our anxious-avoidant cycle.
Some examples for expressing anxious attachment needs:
“I can understand if it is hard to talk about things when they go wrong in our relationship, sometimes I get scared, too. At the same time, something has come up that I would like to work together to resolve so that we can feel close. Will you let me know when you are ready to talk?”
“I love that we are able to spend time apart doing our own things, at the same time, I have felt a little disconnected recently, could you help me find a solution so that we can balance our time together with our other activities?”
Some examples for expressing avoidant attachment needs:
“What you have to say is really important to me, but I struggle to listen when I feel like I messed up. Could we try approaching this in a different way?”
“I’m noticing you are feeling a lot of emotions right now, it makes sense that you would be upset about this. At the same time, I am used to turning inward to calm myself down and avoid painful emotions. Can you help me understand how I can help you right now?”
I hope that this guide can help you express your needs in a safe way and benefit you and your partner in the future! I would love to hear what communication strategies work in your relationships!
[i] Simpson, J. A.,; Rholes, W. S. (2012). Adult Attachment Orientations, Stress, and Romantic Relationships. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 279–328. https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-0-12-394286-9.00006-8
[ii] Simpson, J. A.,; Rholes, W. S. (2012). Adult Attachment Orientations, Stress, and Romantic Relationships. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 279–328. https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-0-12-394286-9.00006-8
[iii] Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2012). Adult Attachment Orientations, Stress, and Romantic Relationships. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 279–328. https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-0-12-394286-9.00006-8
[iv]Vollmann, M., Sprang, S., & van den Brink, F. (2019). Adult attachment and relationship satisfaction: The mediating role of gratitude toward the partner. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(11-12), 3875–3886. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519841712
[v] Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2012). Adult Attachment Orientations, Stress, and Romantic Relationships. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 279–328. https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-0-12-394286-9.00006-8
[vi]Vollmann, M., Sprang, S., & van den Brink, F. (2019). Adult attachment and relationship satisfaction: The mediating role of gratitude toward the partner. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(11-12), 3875–3886. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519841712
[vii]Vollmann, M., Sprang, S., & van den Brink, F. (2019). Adult attachment and relationship satisfaction: The mediating role of gratitude toward the partner. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(11-12), 3875–3886. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519841712
[viii]Vollmann, M., Sprang, S., & van den Brink, F. (2019). Adult attachment and relationship satisfaction: The mediating role of gratitude toward the partner. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(11-12), 3875–3886. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519841712
[ix]Vollmann, M., Sprang, S., & van den Brink, F. (2019). Adult attachment and relationship satisfaction: The mediating role of gratitude toward the partner. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(11-12), 3875–3886. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519841712
[x] Simpson, J. A., ; Rholes, W. S. (2012). Adult Attachment Orientations, Stress, and Romantic Relationships. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 279–328. https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-0-12-394286-9.00006-8
[xi]Vollmann, M., Sprang, S., & van den Brink, F. (2019). Adult attachment and relationship satisfaction: The mediating role of gratitude toward the partner. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(11-12), 3875–3886. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519841712
Hello Nalani, when I read the title of your post I was intrigued, because I always love learning about attachment styles. Over the past year I have discovered that I have an insecure attachment styles, and have been trying to work on it ever since. I can attest that the behaviors listed under anxious behaviors match my behaviors almost perfectly. Due to this, it has been difficult to communicate with my partner, and sometimes I get frustrated. Next time, I am going to try your examples expressing anxious attachment needs. I think these prompts will help me to feel heard instead of shutting down.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your blog post and I had a great time reading it! I like how you listed different attachment types and how those come about in relationships. Although we tend to have one specific behavior type, I think sometimes we can show signs of every different type! For example, although I think I have a secure attachment style, I sometimes experience clinging or fear of intimacy! I thought it was a great idea to interview your brother and his girlfriend and how their attachment styles affect their relationships. I think you could have included ways that they work through their issues to make this post stronger! Overall though, great job!
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani! I really enjoyed reading your post on attachment styles. I think knowing and understanding your attachment style can be so beneficial. I personally have an anxious attachment style and have noticed many of the behaviors you talked about in your blog post. I have noticed that my attachment style can be great, but it can also be a problem. I feel like it can be very beneficial talking about attachment styles with a partner. My partner knows that I have an anxious attachment style, so we both consciously work on supporting my attachment style while also helping me not have such anxious behaviors in our relationship.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your blog posts, as it was a way for me not only to reflect on my attachment style, but also to learn effective ways to communicate with a partner so both feel heard and appreciated. I consider myself to have an anxious attachment style and can definitely relate to the conversation between Charlie and Bea, as I have been with someone who has an avoidant attachment style. It can be a struggle when it comes to relationships, especially when two people have different attachment styles and won’t necessarily see eye to eye. In regards to my own attachment style, I hold a lot of the common behaviors such as overthinking, fear of abandonment and analyzing my partners actions. These behaviors are something I’m working on and have to remember that I am only in control of my own actions and should not let my mental health be compromise because of someones actions.
Hi, Nalani. I thought it was really interesting reading more into the different types of attachment styles. I loved reading your interview with your brother and his girlfriend, as my boyfriend and I also have similar attachment styles to them. I am more anxious, and he is more avoidant. We both can struggle to communicate sometimes because I can always feel like I have so much to say and am scared of overwhelming him or triggering his avoidance. He easily withdraws and will rarely share how he is feeling or what his thoughts are. He has very thick coping mechanisms from his childhood.
ReplyDeleteHey Nalani, I really enjoyed reading your post regarding attachment styles in communication. I really like how you mention both common behavior patterns for avoidant and anxious attachment styles as well with methods of how they can express their needs. I think that it is important that many partners understand their own attachment styles as well as how it contributes to their relationship. Everyone has different needs and different ways on how they express things. In order for couples to have a healthy relationship it is important that there is a discussion for both to feel comfortable in expressing and developing an efficient communication between them.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani, I enjoyed reading your post about attachment styles and how they can affect relationships. I directly related to your brother's attachment style (avoidant), even more specifically how he mentioned that he just shuts down and gets angry, which leads to having a hard time understanding the other person's position/feelings. I find myself in the same situation. Due to past hurts and relationships, I am super anxious when it comes to confrontation and fighting, and I just shut down, especially when I feel like I'm in the wrong. Hearing your tips from your therapist and helpful ways to approach those harder conversations were really helpful, thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHello Nalani,
ReplyDeleteGoing through your post it was clear to me to see what my attachment style is. It was a great addition to add in the example of your brother and his girlfriend. Being able to see different attachment styles in a real world relationship is very insightful. I also agree that it is very important to understand your partner and where they come from. Another thing I really enjoyed reading was how to approach someone with anxious attachment needs. It helped me understand how to approach someone if they had that same attachment style. It was also very helpful that you were able to list out the behaviors of different attachment styles.
Hello Nalani,
ReplyDeleteYour blog post was put together very well, and I was able to see how these different attachment styles play out within romantic relationships. As I went through I was able to find my own attachment style, and in my previous relationship. From this I learned myself as having a more anxious attachment style. In my past relationship I would find myself being clingy as my partner would seem to pull away from me. I would also get afraid of him wanting to separate; from this it would be more significant for me to be able to communicate about these things with my future partner.
Hello Nalani!
ReplyDeleteI really appreciated your blog post. I valued that you first made sure to review the specific aspects of each attachment style before moving on to the rest of your paper, just incase someone needs a refresher on the traits. I relate a lot to this as I have anxious attachment style and it helped me think of some ways I could approach my partner when our attachment styles make situations difficult. We have different attachment styles and seeing some of your suggestions gave me some food for thought. I also appreciated that you incorporated a real life example. Overall, great work and thank you for sharing!
Hi Nalani!
ReplyDeleteI found your blog post very interesting! I think I have really struggled with my attachment style in my current relationship. I engage in a lot of avoidant behaviors and I think it has hindered my ability to develop a better connection with my partner. I think my partner has a more secure attachment and he demonstrates better communication skills than I do. One of my personal goals is to establish improved communication with my partner and to develop more confidence in expressing my needs. I found your suggestions on how to express avoidant attachment needs very useful and I hope to use the communication strategies you suggested in the future!
I really enjoyed reading your blog post and taking that knowledge and putting into my life. I know my attachment style although my boyfriend doesn’t. I have some assumptions, but I can’t be fully sure until he investigates it himself. This puts a strain on our relationship more than either of us would like to admit. I loved the examples you included for those two specific people, and I really helped me to think of ways to bring these same subjects up with my boyfriend. I feel like sometimes we can feel that it is weird to talk like that to our partner like that or ask them questions in this format but the more I personally analyzed my relationship I saw all the potential benefits.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani, while reading your blog post, I was thinking about my current romantic relationship I am in. I knew I presented avoidant behaviors but did not know that there were different ways to communicate needs to a partner depending on said attachment styles. It was interesting to read that with avoidant attachment you should communicate reasons why we may shut down when in distress. I also found it interesting that you noted how people with avoidant attachment need to feel appreciated. It all makes so much sense to me in the grand scheme of things. Thank you for your post, it helped me think deeper about my attachment and how I can communicate differently depending on it.
ReplyDeleteNalani,
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate the empathy you lean into within this post and how you reflected and provided various examples for helpful and empathic responses in communication based on attachment style. I think that this area of communication is often neglected. I have felt like my partner and I communicate really well but I feel like we could step in more empathetically with communication geared towards our attachment styles. This blog post has allowed me to really take time and reflect on the ways in which I communicate and how my responses might better help my partner. I am curious what other research has been conducted specifically in attachment style, communication, and relationship satisfaction or self-esteem.
Reading this particular post, specifically about anxious behaviors, resonated with me. I had a close friend growing up who very much identified with this type of attachment, leading to some of the behaviors mentioned, such as clinginess and fear of separation. She was often seen being demanding towards partners, as well as other people in her life. She struggled to communicate how she felt with partners and friends for a long time, with several relationships ending due to this. In addition to this being an ongoing issue with partners, she also lost several friends because of this. Unfortunately, due to other past experiences and trauma, discussing her needs continued to be an ongoing struggle for her.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani, I really loved this blog post. It was such an eye opener to read, and it was easy to relate to my current relationship that I am in. I have more of an avoidant attachment style, and I agree that in my relationship it is a very important thing for me to feel needed and appreciated by my partner. I really liked the examples that would provide and feel like I have had similar conversations or expressed those thoughts before. You did a great job, thank you
Hi Nalani! With no doubt I think that I acquire an anxious attachment style. I find myself to be a very dependent person and I always fear that someone is going to leave me also because I have a lot of anxiety when is comes to change. This has been an ongoing issue for me and sometimes I wonder if it has been the reason some of my relationships have not worked out. In my current relationship I have really been trying to not inflict these feelings on my boyfriend because I understand that for them it can become overwhelming. What an interesting post!
ReplyDeleteHi! I really enjoyed this blog post. Because I have never been in a relationship, I feel as though it is difficult for me to determine my attachment style because I feel like I have a little bit of both. For the most part I feel I would be anxious, but once again it is hard to say. I see this with my friends because when they start to maybe talk to me a little less because they are busy, I instantly think something is wrong in our friendship and get worried. I found it very informative how you gave examples of how to communicate your needs based on your attachment style.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani! I really found your blog post to be extremely informative and beneficial. While reflecting on my romantic relationship, I can relate to having an anxious attachment style like Bea. I often view conflicts or anything that “goes wrong” in my relationship to be extremely hard to process as I begin thinking that my partner is going to abandon me. I really appreciate that you have included a guide to help individuals express their needs. I think these are great statements to practice using more often so that I become more comfortable stating my needs while also respecting my partners needs. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHi there! I really enjoyed your post because it brings up a good point about understanding your partner’s attachment style. This can really help with communication and avoid turmoil in relationships. I try to talk about and understand everyone’s attachment style in my life so I can approach the conversations the best way I know. I think a great part about being in the HDFS program is that we learn about these concepts and what they mean. A lot of people go their whole life knowing what an attachment style is and how to work within it or change it. In a relationship, I think it is important to teach your partner about attachment and ask them upfront how they handle communication needs and behaviors in order for the relationship to work. Great post!
ReplyDeleteNalani I really enjoyed reading your blog post. As someone who typically struggles in relationship due to my attachment style (insecure-anxious), this blog post was particularly helpful. I thought it was very clever that you chose to interview a couple, as it provides a real life example of how differences in attachment style can impact the equilibrium of a relationship. I thought your suggestions for how to respond in a state of conflict, for each attachment style, was really useful. It was also really eye opening to me to read of the ways that avoidant attachment style individuals respond when conflict arises. This helped me develop a deeper sense of empathy and compassion for those who respond differently to problems, in comparison to how I would react. Thank you for sharing, this information is so useful to people, like my self, who no longer wish to succumb to issues their attachment styles present.
ReplyDeleteHello Nalani!
ReplyDeleteI found your blog post to be very interesting and related well to my life. Most of my college experience I have only learned about attachments that involve parent-child, so it was very fascinating to hear about attachments among intimate couples. I found the examples that you provided about communication skills to be very helpful. I have an anxious attachment so I find that these examples can help me communicate with my partner about my needs and emotions better. I also appreciate how you pointed out specific characteristics to each attachment as I tend to mix them up from time to time.
Hi Nalani!
ReplyDeleteBeing an HDFS major has really been able to further educate me on attachment styles and communication in relationships. I feel like it has even been able to help me make my own relationship more stable and successful. I love how you included examples of how people can better communicate their needs to their partner. Understanding different attachment styles is very important for success in a relationship and communication is a huge part of that. I feel like open communication about anything in my relationship has been a huge key to it's success as well as making the relationship more fun and easy.
Hi Nalani, I loved your blog! I think that this information is so needed by so many people and could help a lot of relationships. This made me think of my parents, my dad has more of an avoidant attachment style, whereas my stepmom has an anxious attachment style. They learned early on that they communicate differently and have very different needs. My dad tends to lean away when others are expressing emotions, particularly difficult emotions. He had to learn to listen to my stepmom and give her that time to express her feelings. My stepmom likes to push and get answers from people, so she had to learn that my dad needs time to himself to process when he’s upset. As a result of many years of communication and finding out what works for both of them, they are very happily married and celebrated 11 years of marriage last July. I do want to talk with them about attachment to see what they think.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani!-- I have really enjoyed getting to read a few of your blog posts. I felt that there was so many helpful tips and practical tools and ways to apply the information you shared into our own lives, and seeing the perspectives of both anxious and avoidant attachment styles was helpful in delineating how these behaviors play out in relationships. My boyfriend and I have different attachment styles and it was really cool to see the different perspectives of the individuals you interviews as well as ideas and scripted responses to share more ideal conversations and ways to communicate. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteWow, I did not know what my attachment style was going into this but I think I do now! I think I was avoiding (haha) saying that I have the anxious attachment style because I do not act in typically "needy" ways in relationships, but after reading those phrases for the attachment types I certainly related to the anxious attachment style much more. I do wonder how folk's connections to their emotions impact which attachment style they have. In my last relationship I ALWAYS wanted to solve the problem or issue immediately and I could not understand why my partner needed time to think and process before we talked about it together. I just wanted to get it out in the open and I knew I would feel closer to him if we talked about together rather than processing it on our own. Looking back my attachment style is really showing through, I had felt separated from him because of our disagreement and wanted to immediately feel closer and solve it, but he wanted to avoid more conflict and understand his own feelings first.
ReplyDeleteThis was a very insightful blog that was a great insider perspective of how attachment styles affect a persons actions in a relationship. After the interview with the brother and his girlfriend it made of lot of sense that her reaction was that she can do things in the relationship out of fear and it doesn't always help the relationship. And that when he thinks he is doing something wrong that he will just shut down. I think when people realize why they are doing these things it will be easier to handle themselves in a relationship and how to communicate with one another.
ReplyDeleteHello Nalani thank you so much for giving us this guide to help in understanding ones attachment needs! I really enjoyed reading how you explained certain behaviors of avoidant and anxious behaviors and how people with those attachment styles can help communicate their needs with their significant others. I have struggled with some aspects of both attachment styles in previous relationships, and I found it extremely interesting how you explained the differences. I have always had a hard time knowing how I feel and what I need and how to put words to those thoughts. However, you helped me learn more and understand more about myself and the possible needs of my significant others in the future! Thank you!
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani! When I saw your post, I was very eager to read it, considering I like to learn more about attachment, specifically anxious attachment. I was not aware of how your attachment style could affect your relationship. This blog allowed me to look more in-depth about closely relating to anxious attachment behaviors and needs. It was interesting to read in your blog how your brother and his girlfriend had different reactions when you asked about how they communicate. Their responses were different with varying styles of attachment, which was a great way to see how it could affect the relationship. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteHi there! This post was extremely interesting and very helpful! I have been working a lot on my anxious attachment style. However, sometimes I think I overcompensate for my anxious attachment style and I turn to an avoidant attachment style that would rather not be bothered or talked to even. I would say that I generally have a secure-anxious attachment style and my boyfriend has more of a secure-avoidant attachment. We have both been able to "figure each other out" but that doesn't necessarily make it easy when we each have unhealthy "flare ups" of our respective attachment styles. When I start to realize that my boyfriend is pulling away I get upset and instead of immediately talking about it every time I tend to pull away as well and it becomes almost a competition in my own head. I don't think he notices but I get upset when he doesn't invite me over to hang out or when he puts in a lot less effort and what I don't think about is that he is likely struggling with his own things and that is why he is pulling away. This is a very difficult challenge for couples to tackle but your advice on how to conduct discussions from each side of these attachment styles was extremely helpful. Thank you so much for your thoughts and your advice!
ReplyDeleteThis was one of my favorite blog posts I have read so far, because it is super relatable. I am currently in a relationship and I talk to my boyfriend all the time about attachment styles and what they mean in context. We have identified things we do, or ways we are that are associated with different styles and we have very open and honest conversations about what this means, and how to keep doing the things we do well, and to work on changing the things we can do better. I feel as though I tend to lean more towards anxious attachment due to experiences in past relationships, but with my current partner I have a mix of anxious and secure. I loved hearing your strategies to talk openly with a partner with these attachment styles and think they would be incredibly useful. Something my boyfriend and I do is when one of us upsets the other, we don't "fight about our feelings" we understand that something we did made the other upset, to discuss it calmly and understandingly, and make the situation right. No one chooses their emotions and you can't do much to control them so we have a lot of conversations about this when needed. This is super helpful for us, and I think others can do this as well. Thank you for sharing, I loved reading it!
ReplyDeleteHello, this post was very informative and interesting to read. As a person with an avoidant attachment I often struggle with communicating my needs or formulating responses. My partner would be more on the anxious attachment side and we often struggle to understand our differences and needs as individuals. We've learned to communicate better over the time we've been together. While my partner is great at expressing her needs, I myself am not. Having a guide like the one included in this post is really important and helpful for couples of opposite attachment styles. Thank you for the insights!
ReplyDeleteHi,I found this post very interesting as I could remember myself being ignorant of these different attachment styles when I had to deal my relationship with my partner. When me and my partner sometimes argue on things, I think I haven't really thought of these terms and solutions besides being indecisive and just letting it pass. After reading off these details of each examples of how I should treat differently on people who feel between avoidant and anxious,I think this post is so helpful for especially couples andI learned a lot.Thank you for sharing and I enjoyed reading it.
ReplyDeleteI love the topic for this blog. It was very interesting to read more about. Personally, I used to have a fully anxious attachment style. However, now I consider myself somewhere in between anxious attachment and secure attachment. I feel I am usually pretty secure in my relationships, but I definitely have anxious traits that come out sometimes. Some traits that I experience were listed in this blog, so it was interesting to see more about those. I think the best communication strategy that has worked in my relationships is to be fully open about what we are feeling. Additionally, using "I" statements has helped in my previous relationships to focus on what we were feeling rather than placing blame.
ReplyDeleteHello Nalani,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading about ways I can improve communication in romantic relationships based on Avoidant Attachment and Anxious Attachment. Although I do not think I have avoidant attachment there was some behaviors I know I turn to in my own relationship. I was able to learn and reflect on possible communication skills I can use with my partner for future instances I avoid conflict. I find that I need time to think about the conflict and then slowly talk about it. Something I could communicate in the future is that I want to work things out and discuss things, but I need space to think and process what is going on before we talking things out. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Nalani, I enjoyed reading your quick guide to understanding insecure attachment styles and their needs. I believe I have an avoidant attachment style and my partner is the opposite, he has an anxious attachment style. The behaviors and needs you listed are very accurate and apply to the way we act. I try not to deny my partner’s attachment needs because I know they just feel worried, but it is sometimes difficult not to. I usually shut down and prefer to not speak at all, but I like the example phrases you included, and I think I may be able to use them if my partner and I run into problems.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani,
ReplyDeleteAfter reading through this blog post, I was grateful to have finally received some advice on how to communicate my attachment needs to my romantic partner. While I tend to be on a more anxious attachment path and him on an avoidant, we always struggle to discuss our needs in an appropriate way. While I worry about things like separation and wanting to be close, he thinks about shutting down and being independent. While we are continuing to work on this, I feel like your suggestions were extremely helpful. One that I plan on using is discussing how time away from each other is good, but I would enjoy being closer together at times. Thank you and great blog post!
Hi, Nalani! This blog was great, and I loved how you brought in a real life example to talk about attachment styles. I relate a lot to Charlie in this instance. Whenever someone truly hurts my feelings or I am in conflict, I go quiet. I do not know what to say. Even if I did know what to say, I would not know how to say it without crying. It usually takes me awhile to process as well. In these instances, I am sure the other person is confused because they do not know what I am thinking. But I feel it is sometimes safer to not say anything at all. Thank you for your post!
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani,
ReplyDeleteThis was a great blog post as my partner and I are avoidant and anxious so I could easily relate to the post. The examples and suggestions you provided resonated with me and how I react in my relationship. I will be trying out the reactions next time I feel overwhelmed or begin to shut down. Personally, my relationship has gotten better after learning my partners behaviors to conflict and controlling how I react. I think it would be helpful if there were more examples provided to people about their attachment style as well as helping find their attachment style before conflict arises. Many people do not know why they react certain ways in relationships or what triggers them. Thank you for sharing!
In my most recent relationship, I have noticed many of these anxious behaviors and needs in my partner. In this relationship, I started moving more towards a secure attachment style than an anxious style. I understood where my partner was coming from most times because I use to have a very anxious attachment style. The behaviors that I noticed the most in her were the fear of separation, demanding, and overexpression of needs. At this time in my life, I was a very busy person and my adult life started picking up. I could not see her as much as I wanted to and she expressed a lot of concern that I was not showing enough effort. She was also very scared of us separating and thought me being busy with life and school was me separating from her.
ReplyDeleteI really like the comparative list between the two attachment styles, it really helps me further grasp the difference between the two and what that looks like in behavior. I like that you interviewed a couple with different attachment styles. It’s interesting that their responses aligned so perfectly with their attachment styles. Bea had a longer response and talks about being aware of her actions and being aware when he pulls away from her. Charlie’s answer was way shorter and more avoidant stating that he shuts down when conflict arises. I think it’s funny that you can see their attachment styles just in these short interview responses.
ReplyDeleteThank you for creating this list for us. I think I will definitely take those communication ideas into consideration. When both partners have a different attachment style, it can be hard to stop yourself from reacting anxiously or trying to avoid it all together. I know that in the past, I've definitely shown up clingy or I was really on my partner about how he was pulling away without really considering that maybe all he wanted was to feel like he was appreciated. I will keep this in mind going forward. I found it interesting hearing both sides from your brother's perspective and his girlfriend's perspective. It truly shows how even if both partners have a different attachment style, you can overcome it with a willingness to communicate.
ReplyDeleteFirst and foremost, I really liked how you incorporated a list of indicators under each attachment style. I liked being able to clearly see each attachment style and the typical behaviors of each. I think this made your post very easy to follow and understand. I think it can often be pretty difficult to determine your attachment style, but your providing personal anecdotes from your brother, I think it really helped clarify how certain behaviors indicate particular attachment styles. I liked your inclusion of dialogue and it really helped to give your blog post a personable tone. Great work on this!
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani, I really enjoyed reading your blog and liked how you incorporated behaviors related to each attachment style. I related to Charlie and Bea because my boyfriend and I also have opposite attachment styles. I found that reading how each of them react or feel in given situations intersected with my own current relationship. I think it is interesting how different attachment styles can influence different outcomes. However I think it also shows how even though two individuals have different attachment styles, they can overcome challenges and obstacles. Getting to know one another and effective communication can allow for positive outcomes in moments of uncertainty. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHello Nalani,
ReplyDeleteUsing Avoidant Attachment and Anxious Attachment in romantic relationships to improve communication was very interesting and very helpful while reading your post. Occasionally though, I feel that I overcompensate for my anxious attachment style and instead switch over to avoidant attachment style, where I prefer not to be bothered or talked to at all. While reading , I began to understand the achievable methods of disclosure I can use to prevent conflict between my future partner and me. After reading, I learned that I may need space to think and process what is going on before talking about things. I could possibly suggest to others that in the future I want to discuss things and work things out.
I first want to say that I loved your blog post and the simplicity in understanding insecure attachment behaviors and needs. Even though I would say I have a secure attachment with my current romantic partner, I definitely notice avoidant tendencies that I am actively aware of and adjust accordingly. I never always used to have an avoidant attachment style, but a past relationship has pushed me to a more avoidant attachment style depicting the behaviors of attempting to ‘maintain independence’ and other ‘distancing coping strategies’. In this past relationship, my partner had an anxious attachment style and portrayed all of the anxious behaviors you mentioned above. I agree that understanding your partners anxious/avoidant tendencies and communicating your own is important to change the pattern.
ReplyDeletePersonally, I acknowledge that my anxious attachment style has often been a source of conflict for my partner and I. I also have noticed that it is sometimes difficult to express my feelings in a calm and clear way, and I have blown things way out of proportion when it could have been fixed with a simple conversation. Like Bea, I have found myself behaving in ways that are not helpful as well. I also have accused my partner of things like treating my badly when I felt disconnected in the past. I think being more upfront and honest about my emotions has helped me a lot, and I am able to communicate much more effectively. I do my best to not make accusations as well and really try to think logically before I say anything out of frustration.
ReplyDeleteThis post was very eye opening to me, not exactly for my own attachment style and communication, but more so about my boyfriend. Even though I already knew that he has an anxious attachment style, I would forget about it whenever we would have important conversations. There have been many instances where I have gotten frustrated with his responses, or lack of, making me think that he didn’t care about our relationship as much as I did. I have acknowledged how he communicates with me, typically expressing a little here and there and letting me do the majority of the talking, and have started trying to change my responses to open a space for him to talk and express what he needs from me. I have especially tried to have him explain what he is feeling and asking him what he wants or needs from me, rather than automatically trying to deal with the issue the way I would.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani! I really enjoyed reading this blog and found it really helpful to read and learn about. I think that this is so important in relationships to realize that we all have different attachment styles and have different needs and also communicate in different ways. This was really interesting for me to read about the different needs of each attachment style and I really found it helpful the suggestions of things to say in certain situations. I found it really interesting too the different communication skills and strategies to use as well. This is so important to consider when going into a relationship and use going forward to improve relationships.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani,
ReplyDeleteOverall, just looking over this blog, you give important information about the needs and behaviors that attachment styles have, which has to be helpful for those who want to know what they need. Finding out my attachment style was challenging, and I think that seeing this would have been a little more help because only you know what you need. Having an anxious or avoided attachment style is very typical, but many views it as bad; I know some of my friends are scared to have these attachment styles. But as given in this blog, there is information about how to move forwards with an over-anxious and avoidant attachment style. I believe that having your needs met In a relationship is essential, and if you don’t have all your needs met, you will never feel secure. Overall I think that this blog will help many people because of the help what the therapist said about moving on from an anxious to avoiding attachment styles
This blog post was super helpful in understanding these attachment styles as well what to say when conflict occurs in relationships with both anxious and avoidant. As I was reading this post, I was thinking about a relationship I had just gotten out of. When conflict would arise, I often found it hard to communicate my insecurities to my partner without accusing him of things like not loving me anymore. HIm being more avoidant, he would shut down completely and reduce talking about any of his feelings. This blog helped me actually have examples where I could form future conversations with patterns to get more beneficial outcomes.
ReplyDeleteI love this blog! As someone with an anxious attachment, it is so hard to express what I am feeling and why I am feeling that way. This blog approaches that idea softly, without judgment and even offers ways to talk to someone about it or how you can even express what is the feeling. I feel as if I also get frustrated because people don’t understand me when I am trying to express myself and sometimes, I blame them for it. When in reality, it is no one’s fault because we are all trying to communicate with each other.
ReplyDeleteThis post was very helpful in comparing the two attachment styles, anxious and avoidant. These are the two most opposite attachment styles and having a couple in this situation can bring out a negative side to both people. Learning how to communicate with one another on certain issues the other person could be feeling is key to keeping the relationship healthy and happy. As someone with anxious attachment, I have found myself saying some of the examples of how to express needs. Over time, it is easier to learn how to communicate these needs and resolve these problems when both people are on the same page of talking with each other.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani,
ReplyDeleteI think that by adding the certain needs to each behaviors was really effective. Being able to identify each category and what their behaviors are like can be really useful for someone trying to figure out what category they fall under. not just that, but the addition of what each ones needs are can help those around fit their needs. Someone who wants to be acknowledged may lash out less if those needs are identified.
I think this post is so important and that it possesses information that everyone should learn to understand their own relationships. I have been so thankful to have learned this information in my major because it's really helped me in my own personal relationships as well. One of my very close friends and I have struggled a lot with our relationship, and through my education on attachment style, I've been able to understand how a lot of our communication problems stem from our differences in attachment styles. I have an anxious attachment style while she has an avoidant attachment style. We often got in arguments because I wanted to talk things out and would get heated which led her to shut down. With time, conversation, and an understanding of attachment, we were able to discuss how each of us feel and what we need out of our relationship with each other.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this post! I found it super fascinating and very relatable in the way that I personally find it really hard to express my needs and communicate them. I always find myself trying to psychoanalyze my partners and trying to figure out why they act the way that they do in order to empathize with them and see where they are coming from even if the behavior is affecting me. Learning how your attachment affects someone else is essential, in my opinion because it is how you present yourself to the world and how you are going to be with a partner.
ReplyDeleteAbout 3 years ago I got out of a very toxic relationship ranging from mental to emotional abuse. In this relationship there was one main problem, and it was communication and actual comprehension of what was being communicated by the other partner. There would be nasty outburst to walking away and breaking things, and even at times walking out of the house without keys, wallets and phones and coming back home within the next day. When looking back at this relationship I have noticed that one, our attachment styles where very different and didn’t work for one another due to lack of any communication. Two we both tended to walk away from all our problems. Three we would then run back to one another due to an innate fear of being forever alone. Looking to the present day I have found someone that communicates with me like an adult, and I never get stressed out when we must speak about something that happened.
ReplyDeleteI have never been in a relationship, so I have not been able to apply my attachment style to a romantic relationship. But based on how I act in my close friendships, I believe I have a mixed attachment style. I act in ways that fall into both the anxious and avoidant styles. I often find myself pulling away from those close to me even when I crave closeness. I can be clingy while also trying to push away my friends. This leads to very confusing relationships and difficulty setting boundaries that feel appropriate. It also makes it difficult to make friends because I come across in a very conflicting manner.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani,
ReplyDeleteThis post is so informative and helpful. My attachment style is secure but in difficult situations I turn towards an avoidant style. I absolutely see myself in Charlie in instances of shutting down and turning inwards. When my partner is struggling I often do not know how to help because he turns outwards for support where I turn inwards to deal with issues by myself. The example expression of “I’m noticing you are feeling a lot of emotions right now, it makes sense that you would be upset about this. At the same time, I am used to turning inward to calm myself down and avoid painful emotions. Can you help me understand how I can help you right now?” is something I can absolutely see myslef using in a situation where my partner is struggling and I want to help them, but may not know how.
Hi Nalani,
ReplyDeleteThis is a very helpful post! I personally think I display more avoidant behaviors in my relationships. I pull away in hard situation and often push people away. I found this to be very helpful because I often don't know what to say to my partners when I am displaying these behaviors. I often shut down when I am not wanting to deal with conflict or if I am frustrated with a partner. I feel myself wanting to be appreciated but not knowing how to express those needs so these examples really put my needs into words and I plan on using these strategies in the future.
This is a very interesting and helpful post. I liked how you included a real life example and also examples of how to express your needs. As someone with anxious tendencies, I found the examples that you listed incredibly helpful. I think the first one would work the best for me. I like how that example starts with validating the other persons feeling as well as expressing your own in a calm and collected way. In my experience with anxious tendencies, I find myself getting worked up when in an uncomfortable conversation and it can be hard for me to really express how I feel so this was very helpful.
ReplyDeleteHello! I loved reading this blog post and exploring different responses to different attachment styles. I have never been in a serious relationship so I am not completely sure of my attachment style. However, based on my friendships and my family relationships, I believe I have a mix of both anxious and avoidant attachment styles. I can relate to both Bea’s and Charlie's reactions and understand their needs. Communication is critical in a relationship and builds trust. Understanding how different attachment styles work and what your partner needs will help strengthen the relationship. I really enjoyed reading the examples you provide to both attachment styles. I think these tips are very resourceful and allow for an open discussion among couples.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for sharing!
Hi!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading through this! Thank you for sharing this brief guide on how to communicate through anxious and avoidant attachment styles. With my current relationship, my partner is more avoidant and I am more anxious. I have noticed that when we get into a small argument, he distances himself and won't talk about his emotions for a few days. With me, as someone with an anxious attachment would, this makes me overthink and may make him more mad by trying to force it out of him. Thank you for your post, as now I can understand him much better and make use of your recommendation of communicating needs.
Within this last year alone, I have been thinking a lot more about my attachment styles because of a class I am taking this semester, as well as talking more about it in therapy after my break-up. I have learned that I have an anxious-avoidant attachment style, with a higher emphasis on avoidant behavior because I often shut down when I am in the wrong, but only so that I can deal with it on my own. I realize now that this is not the healthiest way to deal with conflict or stress through communication because I do not let my partner in. My favorite part about this article were all of the examples which were provided at the bottom for both attachment styles. I will be using and trying these out in the future to have better communication with my future partner.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani, thank you for sharing these different strategies to facilitate communication between couples with anxious and avoidant attachment styles. What seemed to help me when I was going through issues in my prior relationship was that we understood that if we were angry, we could not talk to each other until we had both calmed down. Further, when arguments got too intense, we called a truce for the moment where we allowed each other to speak about our feelings without the other trying to argue about their feelings. However, the most effective of the two was taking time apart because we could figure out how we felt.
ReplyDeleteI think that this guide is helpful with navigating the needs, tendencies, and how to respond to those with avoidant or anxious attachment. I think this is helpful also because everybody knows someone who is anxious or avoidant in terms of their attachment styles and maybe even be identified within in order to better express how you need to be supported. I also think that the example conversation is interesting in order to see this in play. Over the years, I have become better about expressing my needs in certain moments in order to help myself and those that love and care about me in order to have prosperous relationships.
ReplyDeleteHi! Thank you for posting this blog. It allows for people to see what they identify with and then also how they can respond when put in situations where they tend to go to their normal habits. They can use your examples now. I think that is amazing. My brother has an avoidant attachment style and I am able to see how in certain areas/relationships it has shined through to allow for the other person/partner to feel disconnected. I think that the way that your therapist has given examples can help him see how he can respond and expressing his needs in a good way for other people with different attachment styles to understand.
ReplyDelete• Hi Nalani! I enjoyed reading this post as it was something that I found very interesting and relatable to my styles and relationships. I found myself relating to the avoidant attachment styles and also your brother, Charlie. When I am in a situation where I am facing conflict, it is very easy for me to get angry or completely shut down during conversations. I also feel that I pull away from my partner when I feel there is conflict, and it takes me a very long time to trust someone within a relationship. Outside of relationships, I feel that I am a very independent person and when I take this into relationships I feel that I also try to maintain and fight for this independence, which is another avoidant behavior. Overall, I enjoyed this post and found it to be very interesting!
ReplyDeleteNalani, thank you for the example that you provided. It truly felt that you were describing my husband’s and my own attachment style. He is more on the avoidant side, and I have more of an anxious approach to attachment. As you know, these elements may create a difficult environment for a relationship to thrive in. Throughout the years, we have come to gain an understanding of how to best communicate with each other, but nevertheless is still a work in progress. Understanding attachment styles ahs also allowed us to comprehend how to better communicate with our children and parents. When you have both a child and a mother with anxious attachment style (my mother and I), our daily interactions would get very overwhelming, therefore I had to re-learn how to make sure my needs were being communicated, and that hers were being understood.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani!
ReplyDeleteI found this blog really interesting to read. I would categorize myself as a securely attached person, but I did relate to one or two of these communication behaviors. Although I have a secure attachment, I do tend to distance myself during conflict. I struggle expressing my emotions, so sometimes I become quiet and distance myself from conflict. I thought it was really interesting to read that although I have a different attachment style I still struggle with some of the behaviors mentioned in your blog. I also enjoyed reading your example of your brother and his girlfriend. I thought it was helpful to read about a real world example of two different types of attachment and how they deal with conflict. Loved this blog!
Nalani, this was really interesting and helpful to read and understand. I completely align with Bea, I and a very anxious attachment style and act in certain ways that I don’t even mean but it just happens because I am fearful of separation, demanding, clingy, and vigilant about partners pulling away. I think past toxic relationships have really shaped this attachment style and it is very hard to break the cycle even in a healthy relationship. I really appreciated how you included some suggestions for how to express needs based on attachment style and I am eager to try them out in my next relationship.
ReplyDeleteMy attachment style was leaning more toward the anxious behaviors. This was mostly due to how I can get a little jealous of my partner and will call out any sort of form of unsetting behavior. As well as how I have a great fear of losing the man I love. Like the blog post I can struggle with the way I communicate my feelings and this is also more due to how I will avoid talking about them mostly when they are on things I just feel in certain moments. However, I have learned to work on this more and communicate my feelings.
ReplyDeleteNalani, I found your examples of behaviors found within certain attachment styles very beneficial because they are the exact behaviors I see in my romantic relationship. I have an avoidant attachment style and my partner has an anxious attachment style. Personally, I tend to get claustrophobic in relationships and must maintain my independence in order to feel comfortable. I also tend to subconsciously stay away from true intimacy and connection even though it is something I actually desire. My partner is close to the near opposite in the way they feel comfort in commitment and are very vocal about feelings and often need reassurance of my commitment. I have found that knowing each others attachment styles has made our relationship run smoother and make understanding each other, easier.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this comprehensive guide on understanding attachment styles and improving communication. It’s so important to recognize how our attachment styles influence our interactions with loved ones, and your insights are incredibly helpful for anyone navigating these dynamics.
ReplyDeleteI love how you provide practical examples for expressing needs, especially for those with anxious and avoidant attachment styles. This kind of guidance can really empower individuals to communicate their feelings more effectively and support their partners in a healthier way. It’s clear that with intentional communication, couples can break free from negative cycles and foster stronger connections.
Your post not only enhances our understanding but also offers tangible strategies to implement in real-life situations. I’m excited to see how these tools can help others improve their relationships and deepen their emotional bonds. Thank you for encouraging this important conversation!
I am currently in an anxious/avoidant attachment relationship. This blog is spot on with the list of both behaviors. My partner and I have struggled for a long time with trying to understand each others attachment style so we can learn and grow our relationship. I am the anxious one and he is the avoidant one. We don’t like to bring up sore subjects because we still are not great at understanding each other in these high stress moments. I believe that therapy is and has been a huge help to me, so that I can better communicate. It takes a lot of work therefore the relationship needs two people willing to work on themselves throughout the course of thee relationship/life.
ReplyDelete-Lacey
Aloha! This was such a wonderful idea for a blog post! It was really lovely that you were able to interview a couple who combined anxious and avoidant attachment styles, and were willing and able to talk candidly about what those styles look like in their relationship and communication patterns. A metaphor I often come back to when interacting with people with insecure attachment is to respond to the subtitles (or thought bubble), not the literal words (or speech bubble). Sometimes, especially when we’re dysregulated, it can be really hard to communicate our needs, as you described so well. Having a list of phrases to say to help bridge the communication gaps is a super useful tool. I’ll be sharing this with a lot of my people.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani! I found your blog post super helpful, and it is one I want to keep referring back to. I appreciate the easy-to-digest way you explained attachment styles and conflict. I have been looking to understand more about my attachment style recently, and I am also anxiously attached and found myself relating to Bea. I think it is easy for people with anxious attachments to get caught up and almost overwhelmed by the moment that communicating our needs or deeper feelings surrounding our actions is impossible. And on the flip side, I see Charlie’s perspective who is being attacked by the anxiously attached person, and the response is to shut down, which is then very frustrating for the anxiously attached person. So it’s definitely a cycle.
ReplyDeleteReading this post was very educational for me. Learning about exactly what all of these behaviors and styles endure is extremely important. It is important because if you know what you lean more towards, then you can work on the negatives of some of these behaviors. I relate a lot to having avoidant behavior, because as you mentioned I have tried hard to attempt to maintain independence, and I prefer to remove myself from conflicts when they come up. This was a very helpful post for me and probably many others. Learning more about yourself will help your relationships in so many ways.
ReplyDeleteThis was a very well written and researched post! I think explaining what traits are seen in different attachment styles was helpful for someone like me who doesn’t feel as though I fit into one category. For me, I want to avoid conflict and I usually end up regretting bringing up an issue or problem I had even if they reacted well. On the other hand I feel like I am always worried that my partner will leave me if I don’t react well in conflict. So I think the tactic of communicating needs is very helpful when it comes to relationships and maintaining a healthy one.
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