Infidelity and Attachment
By Nalani Saeks
Experiencing infidelity can be really hard. For many people, it can shake their trust in future partners, sever their relationships, and damage their self-image or sense of worthiness. I know that I personally had experienced infidelity throughout my high school years and this is a somewhat common experience for many people, as 21% of married men and 11% of married women engage in sexual infidelity.[i] For me, in addition to already having an anxious attachment style, the wounds from being cheated on have definitely impacted my relationships today. But what happens when infidelity causes someone great pain? And is it possible to heal from an attachment injury like cheating and go on to trust a new partner?
Attachment injuries occur when someone in a relationship feels abandoned, betrayed, or like they can no longer trust their partner.[ii] Because infidelity can cause the affected partner to feel betrayed, abandoned, and unable to trust, it is considered an attachment injury. The pain of affairs and being cheated on can cause a number of responses including shame, depression, anxiety, and flashbacks, all features of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).[iii] One of my good friends, Zach, experienced cheating in his first long-term relationship, I asked him how it impacted his feelings about himself and how it affected his trust in future partners. He explained that he felt absolutely betrayed and unworthy.
“It’s hard to explain exactly what it does to you when you first find out, but I can still remember how my heart dropped. I started to think about it constantly, questioning why I wasn’t enough. I didn’t want to get into another relationship because I was afraid I would feel that pain again. My anxiety definitely got worse after it happened and it feels like that cycle has continued with my other romantic partners. My trust issues cause problems and I have definitely been dishonest in order to prevent myself from getting hurt, again”
Although the aftermath of experiencing this type of attachment injury can include symptoms of PTSD like numbing, avoidance, rumination, and hypervigilance, it is possible to heal from this type of betrayal.[iv] One of the most helpful forms of therapy for couples that chose to stay together that research has shown is EFT or emotionally focused therapy. [v] Up to 73% of couples who have worked with a therapist using EFT have been able to heal the relationship and stay together [vi] For those of us that have experienced infidelity and struggle with healing our relationship if we chose to stay in it, this is great news. Although Zach chose to end the relationship in which his partner cheated, I asked him about whether or not he felt hopeful about his future relationships he said,
“I think that it might take a lot of work, and probably an understanding partner, but I do think that I will be able to trust again. I’ve been taking time to remember who I am and what I deserve and I am hopeful that I will find that one day”.
Like any trauma, there is always a chance for healing. Although the dynamic nature of humans can sometimes lead to us causing pain in those that we love, we also have the amazing gift of resilience. If you are struggling with any of the common reactions to a betrayal from a romantic partner, noting that it is normal to experience a PTSD response might be helpful in how you approach your path to healing. If you have personally experienced an attachment injury such as cheating, it might be helpful to consider finding a therapist who is trained in EFT.
[i]Harvey, A. (2021). HDFS 402: Infidelity and Affairs[PowerPoint slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State University Canvas site for HDFS 402: https://colostate.instructure.com/courses/120328/pages/module-11-overview?module_item_id=3358196
[ii] Makinen, J. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2006). Resolving attachment injuries in couples using emotionally focused therapy: Steps toward forgiveness and reconciliation. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 74(6), 1055–1064. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006x.74.6.1055
[iii] Harvey, A. (2021). HDFS 402: Infidelity and Affairs[PowerPoint slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State University Canvas site for HDFS 402: https://colostate.instructure.com/courses/120328/pages/module-11-overview?module_item_id=3358196
[iv] Harvey, A. (2021). HDFS 402: Infidelity and Affairs[PowerPoint slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State University Canvas site for HDFS 402: https://colostate.instructure.com/courses/120328/pages/module-11-overview?module_item_id=3358196
[v]Schade, L. C., & Sandberg, J. G. (2012). Healing the Attachment Injury of Marital Infidelity Using Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy: A Case Illustration. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 40(5), 434–444. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2011.631374
[vi] Makinen, J. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2006). Resolving attachment injuries in couples using emotionally focused therapy: Steps toward forgiveness and reconciliation. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 74(6), 1055–1064. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006x.74.6.1055
Hello Nalani, I thought this was a really insightful and helpful reading! I too experienced infidelity in my high school to freshman year of college. I also agree that I have an anxious attachment style, and I believe being cheated on made that worse in some ways. What I did not know at the time is that it is normal to have PTSD from the pain of being cheated on. I remember feeling a lot of the signs of PTSD, but never knew what it was or that, it is normal to feel that way. I can relate to Zach when he said his stomach dropped when he found out. I believe I would benefit from seeing a EFT therapist. Thank you for your insightful post.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani, I thought your blog post was extremely informative and interesting! I have experienced infidelity in my own relationships and I have also seen it happen to others close to me. It can absolutely affect their self-image and relationship with future partners, for that has happened to me. I like how you described having attachment issues as, “attachment injury.” That is something that a lot of people experience, but it is important to remember that it is an injury and can be overcome. I like how you included what your friend Zach experienced after he discovered he was being cheated on in a long-term relationship. I think something else you could have included into your blog post was asking someone who has never been cheated on, their opinions on the situation!
ReplyDelete1. Hi, Nalani. I really enjoyed reading about your blog post on infidelity and attachment. I can relate to some of the things you within the post, I have experienced infidelity within two of my relationships and both times it was as heartbreaking as the first time. It led me to having more insecure attachments and extreme anxiety in relationships. This is something I have worked with therapists on through CBT and have seen some results, but a lot of it is understanding why I am feeling the way I am and validating my thoughts and feelings.
ReplyDeleteHey Nalani, I really enjoyed reading your post regarding infidelity and attachment. I personally felt a connection with your post because almost all my past relationships that I have had I have always been cheated on. I feel that after reading your post it made me question if I was healed. I feel like I did move on but there was obviously damage left behind because now whenever I try to have a new relationship, I am always unsure. I do tend now to have many trust issues; I distance myself to avoid getting hurt and do notice that I tend to get depressed and an increase in anxiety. I did not realize the actual damage that all of my past relationship has affected me. I feel like I have developed a defense mechanism to avoid getting cheated on again.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani, I enjoyed reading your blog post regarding infidelity and attachment. Much like you and your friend, I have also experienced infidelity and the effects of it within many areas of my life. I agree that infidelity can have many similar symptoms and repercussions of PTSD. I would agree also that infidelity definitely leads to affected attachment in a relationship. From my personal experience, I know it led to further trust issues within my relationship and struggling to find trust within new relationships.I find that I distance myself and never fully trust anyone, because I have a fear that there is always going to be something I don't know, which ultimately leads to high anxiety in the relationship. Great Post Nalani!
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani, I think this is a very important topic to discuss because it can cause so much pain. I personally have never been cheated on but with my long term boyfriend its always something I fear. It's not that I don't trust him, its more my anxious attachment style and other trauma has led me to believe that I am not good enough. I think a trauma like being cheated on would really affect how I look at things. I think having a way to cope and recover from this would be harder given what attachment style a person has to begin with. It may confirm what they already feel making it harder to trust or they may feel it's an anomaly if they have a secure attachment style.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your insight!
Hello Nalani,
ReplyDeleteI think your post was well put together. I think having that anxious attachment style is hard on someone especially when they have dealt with infidelity. In some powerpoint slides provided by Ashely Harvey it explained that with an anxious attachment style one may seem dependent, needy, and has a feeling/ suspicion that their partner is cheating. Adding that on to a past where someone really has cheated on them makes it that much harder for the person to move on and find that trust again. Being cheated on is unfortunately very common and it does indeed take a toll on someone mentally. For someone who is able to have that resilience and continue to grow even through a rough experience like that is interesting to see.
Hi Nalani,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this post and thought it was very insightful. I've never been in a relationship where infidelity occurred but know that it can obviously cause a lot of pain and hardship. I had never heard of attachment injuries before so it was interesting to learn about them and how the pain of affairs can cause shame, depression, anxiety, etc. It's interesting to know that there is a chance for healing after getting cheated on but I would like to know more about why couples do end up getting back together after experiencing infidelity because I don't think I would be able to look at my partner the same way. Thanks for sharing!
Hello Nalani!
ReplyDeleteWhat a powerful post. I was drawn to your post because I am fortunate enough to not have experienced infidelity, but I have witnessed it all too many times. One thing I was reminded of was my current partner. Similar to your friend Zach, my partner was cheated on during their first long-term relationship after 3 years of dating. We've talked about how it felt to go through that and I think viewing it as a traumatizing event that can result in PTSD is so important. As a social work major, I have tried to start thinking about the trauma lens more and I'm grateful for how HDFS has helped me with that. Overall, great post. This made me reflect on my own life and the people I hold close to me, and I appreciated your ending notes that offered a solution and reassurance!
Hi Nalani,
ReplyDeleteAlthough it is a difficult topic to discuss, I enjoyed what you wrote about it and provided your friend as an example and how infidelity can change a person. I personally have been cheated on and as your friend Zach said it, I have been dishonest through my other relationship in fear of getting hurt again. Attachment injuries are big during infidelity and causes more damage when someone is insecurely attached. Attachment style affects the way we cope with situations such as infidelity. I like how you say there is a change of healing and how it is normal to experience PTSD in response to infidelity. Thank you for sharing!
Hi Nalani!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your post. I think cheating is something many people experience, and your post was very insightful on its lasting effects. I have experienced emotional infidelity similarly to your friend Zach it was difficult for me as well. Although I was very young when it happened, I feel that it still affects me and my relationships as an adult. It was interesting to learn about attachment injuries and how similar the symptoms are to those of PTSD. I think this demonstrates how difficult it is to deal with the aftermath of cheating but I’m happy to know that there are ways to heal.
Hi Nalani, I really liked the layout and flow of this post. Infidelity can absolutely have a ton of negative effects such as lowering self-esteem, making it harder to trust, and fear of getting into another relationship. I was really surprised to read the statistic that 73% of couples have used EFT therapy after the affair and have been able to stay together. This was especially interesting for me because my parents are divorced. As I was reading, I wondered whether my parents would still be together today if they had gone to therapy after my dad cheated on my mom. Another thing I really enjoyed about this post was that it ends in a very hopeful, positive light. It is nice to think that we can still heal, learn to trust again, and be in a committed relationship.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani! In one of my human development classes right now we are learning about infidelity and how attachment and other aspects of a person’s personality can gauge weather they’ll cheat or not. I personally have been cheated on. This made it hard for me to trust in relationships and is one of the reasons I am avoidant in relationships. If I don’t get close to someone I can’t get hurt right? WRONG! Like mentioned in your post, attachment injuries are prevalent when someone is cheated on. I absolutely think that it took a long while for my attachment injury to heal completely. Great post once again, thank you! - Ashley Hildreth
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani! I am in a Human Development class and your post was very interesting. I loved reading about EFT and I think that is a good option for some people! I was cheated on as well a few times by the same person, and I agree with you. You feel betrayed and unworthy. My class also talked about feelings of guilt you get as the victim, and I think that's why I kept going back to them. Its a very mentally and emotionally draining action, but you blog really helped me understand that other people go through its and there is always a chance for healing.
ReplyDeleteHi Nelani! I really enjoyed this blog post. I am learning about infidelity and attachment styles in my class about couples and relationship studies, and I found your post to be very informative and insightful. I like how you talked about having an anxious attachment style and how that impacted your future relationships. I believe that attachment styles can definitely play a major role in how an individual heals from infidelity and how they may act in future relationships. I was very surprised that 73% of couples who use EFT therapy are able to stay together! At first when learning about infidelity, I had the mindset that couples should breakup if someone cheats, but as I have learned more about it, I believe that there definitely is hope to move past the experience and become a stronger couple.
ReplyDeleteI personally have had experience with infidelity and it affecting my attachment. In one of my first long-term relationships, I was cheated on. This resulted in a relationship ending, but it still took me quite a while to heal after. This affected me in my other romantic relationships , as I was always a little bit more hesitant then I was before experiencing infidelity.Activate cheated on, it took me longer to trust and I became more suspicious as to if I was being lied to. This had a negative effect on me personally, as I didn't like the way I felt during this time. This would often lead to me feeling guilty for not trusting my current partner due to my experience in the past.
ReplyDeleteHey Nalani! I thought you did a great job on your blog post! You brought up very important and interesting topics that need to be examined in relationships! In my personal experience I have been in a relationship that I was cheated on and it did ruin a lot of my attitudes and opininos on relationships. I believe that I have not healed from my attachment injury, but I have began to learn to let go and start to trust people again. I think it is important to put yourself out there and try to heal after experiencing something like being cheated on.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani! Your blog post really hit home for me. It has become a common occurrence for me to get cheated on in my relationships, weirdly enough it has been the only reason a partner and I have gone our separate ways. I feel as though this damage has even caused me to become less trustworthy in relationships that aren't even romantice. I feel more prone to having a wall up and thinking the worst of people actions. I also find myself to have become way more of an overthinker. In my current relationship I am trying very hard to trust him and think that every person is not a cheater but it really does take a lot out of me. Infidelity has become such a norm these days and it just makes me sick to think others would put someone through that pain. I personally think if you are unhappy with someone instead of cheating, end your relationship because in the long run that will be way less painful that a break up.
ReplyDeleteInfidelity is something that is so wrong and one of the biggest betrayals of trust. I think this post does a great job explaining the relationship between infidelity and attachment. I feel like infidelity creates the biggest kind of attachment injury. There is such a large sense of abandonment and must be such a lonely time for the person who was cheated on. I personally have never experienced infidelity. Although I have seen infidelity happen in my sibling's relationships and it truly is something that will affect your attachment for so long. This post was very informative on the relationship between infidelity and attachment.
ReplyDeleteThis blog post hit home for me. This past Summer, I was formally diagnosed with PTSD in which primarily stemmed from a significant amount of childhood adversities and traumas that I was faced to endure. On top of that, I suffered from a ton of trust issues and insecurities that manifested in my relationship, due to my partner being unable to reach their own closure with the person they were in a relationship with before me. As bad as it sounds I felt as if cheating would be so much easier to deal with since it was a clear-cut answer: of course you shouldn't stay. Who would stay with someone after finding out they were with someone that wasn’t you?
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this post because it gave me a new perspective. Thinking of the infidelity as an attachment injury was something I had not heard of. It makes total sense though because it hurts our heads and hearts just like a normal injury hurts our bones. I also love the concept of an injury because we can also heal from it. I experienced infidelity in my last relationship that caused a lot of pain. However, I have watched myself heal every day from it. I really enjoyed reading this post and the insight you gave on it. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani!
ReplyDeleteI couldn't imagine the pain and hurt as well as long term effects of finding out that your partner cheated on you. Thankfully, I have never personally experienced this but I do know a few people who have. Those I know who have experienced infidelity were very deeply effected by it. The emotional trauma that they experienced was often also impactful to people or family members, such as their children. I also know of many instances that people were cheated on at my high school. I feel like most of the time, but not all, cheating is a much bigger deal and much more emotionally traumatic when a couple is older than high school age or married. Thanks for the interesting post.
Hi Nalani!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this post as I never heard about the topic attachment injury. I found this to be extremely interesting and a question that runs through my head all the time! It was very interesting to hear what attachment injury is and how it represents similar feelings and characteristic as someone who is facing PTSD. I think that hearing how infidelity can be associated with symptoms like PTSD will help me better understand what my future clients are experiencing and how difficult the situation truly is. I also find that this post helped me understand that people can gain trust again and have a secure attachment it will just take a lot of work and energy.
Hi Nalani!--
ReplyDeleteThis was such an interesting and insightful blog post, and I really enjoying learning about how infidelity is related to attachment injury. This is a term (as others have shared) that I needed a refresher on, and the interview you share was helpful in understanding the long-term impacts of infidelity. While I have not experienced infidelity personally, it had impacted a few of my friends and family members and their feelings and experiences were very similar to those you described. Understanding how these experiences can impact an individual long-term is especially important for partners regardless of if they experience it also.
Hello Nalani, Wow I really enjoyed your post. I never really thought about being cheated on as having an attachment injury. I personally have been cheated on in my past romantic relationships and I have been hurt really bad, in which I can relate to having the attachment injury. I can relate closely with your good friend Zach, I personally also experienced having an increased amount of anxiety. I also connected with him about not wanting to get into another relationship. For me, it has been two years since I ended things with my significant other and I still haven’t pursued another relationship. I will consider your advice in considering a therapist.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani, I enjoyed reading your blog, and I felt that you had a lot of great and informative things to say about infidelity and attachment. A few months ago, I experienced infidelity, and as a result, I have been able to see how it has affected my relationships with potential partners. When I am potentially trying to find and explore something with a new partner, I am unsure and scared. My trust issues have become more severe because I am not truly the only one in someone's life. I have researched potential options to help cope with my past, and I can see how it has helped me a little. I have kept in touch with the ex-partner, which has been a positive thing in my life, although what they did was horrible. Overall, thank you for sharing your research as well as your story.
ReplyDeleteHi there! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences with infidelity and how it can impact our attachment styles. I also experienced a partner who was not loyal in high school and it definitely made me question my current boyfriend having friends that are girls. My current boyfriend and I have been together for over 4 years and we started dating very shortly after my disloyal ex-boyfriend and I broke up. We discussed my trust issues from my former relationship quite a bit. At the time, it helped that my boyfriend didn't have very many girl friends. It seems silly now but as an insecure 16-year-old it was nice not to have to constantly worry that he would cheat on me with one of his girl friends, like my ex did. I have not done EFT but I am definitely open to it. I have also discussed going to couples therapy with my current boyfriend as a preventative measure. We haven't had many problems in our relationship but I would like to go to couples therapy so that we are on the same page in the future when we face large challenges together. I want to know how to best support him in difficult situations and I want him to know how to do the same for me. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this blog! I enjoyed getting to learn more about this topic. I have not experienced infidelity thankfully, but I have known many people who have. One of my friends recently experienced infidelity. You can tell it made her uneasy to trust many people afterwards. Additionally, you can tell how much it has affected how she views relationships and her desire to have a partner. She is still trying to find ways to cope and move past this relationship, so I look forward to sharing some of the recommendations in this blog. Thank you for sharing about your interview and this topic!
ReplyDeleteHello Nalani,
ReplyDeleteI found this blog post to be interesting on attachment problems after some experiences infidelity. I like how your blog brought up a few options for couples to take after experiencing infidelity. I have not experienced infidelity, but I were to I do not think I could continue to make to relationship work due to trust issues I would have. I found it interesting how so many people that choose to go to couple therapy for infidelity can work things about and stay in the relationship. I agree with you that even if you do not go to couples therapy to save the relationship, it is still important to share the hurtful and deep emotions you may be experiencing with a professional therapist to recover.
Sexual infidelity is something that I have experienced in the past and is something that has caused my attachment style to shift away from anxious attachment to more avoidant attachment. This is, in part, due to the fact that I was placed in a helpless position where I had to recognize that I am not able to control the actions and decisions of another person, I am only able to control how I let it affect me. Therefore, I abandoned my anxiety regarding the potentiality of infidelity and shifted towards observing my partner’s behavior without trying to change it, and using those observations to make decisions regarding whether the relationship is healthy or worth continuing.
ReplyDeleteAs a person who has been cheated on and been a cheater I found this blog post very interesting. I've been cheated on multiple times and have only cheated once but I feel like the effects of not only being cheated on and cheating are significantly different. In both situations I felt like I was so empty and like I was undeserving of love. I took both experiences with me into relationships and for a really long time let it affect me. Being cheated on I was scared to love but cheating I feared myself and if I even deserve to be happy and sometimes these feelings were greater than when I was being cheated on.. I feel like couples therapy would be beneficial for both parties of the infidelity. Sometimes though, I feel like we fail to recognize the cheater as broken also .. are they not? What are your thoughts on that?
ReplyDeleteI have experienced cheating in two of my relationships and know first hand how detrimental it can be to future relationships and being able to trust people. I relate to the story of Zach because pretty much my only thought following the cheating both times was wondering what I did wrong. This is such an unfair type of blame to place on ourselves as we experience something like this and really enjoy that this blog normalizes that feeling. I felt very alone in that feeling following the end of my relationships, and it's very relieving to know I am not the only one who felt that way during a hard time like this.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani, I also experienced infidelity in high school, not only from my boyfriend but also with my parents’ separation. It was a very difficult time for me, and I had a huge crush when I first met him. He seemed to be the “only person there for me” and I think I grew an unhealthy attachment because I could not break up with him even after he cheated. I was terrified he would leave me and begged him not to when he did try. I would not say this is a normal reaction for me, but I just could not let go. Eventually I learned and left but I see that my attitude changed a lot and I can be more avoidant. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani! The topic of infidelity is always a hard one. One of my friends was in a relationship for two years and ended up breaking things off because her partner cheated. She was extremely heartbroken and lost all hope in relationships or love even. It took quite some time for her to regain her self-confidence and go back out into the world with a hopeful outlook. I think there can be instances and relationships where infidelity occurs, but the couple stays together, and it works out. Every relationship has its differences, and people can go to therapy or work hard in maintaining the relationship they had after the fact. Cheating is something that I think shouldn’t ever occur in a committed relationship. But it does happen, and I think people should work on finding themselves and what they explicitly deserve so that they can regain their sense of self to move forward.
ReplyDeleteThis was a great post Nalani! The topic of infidelity is always a hard one to talk about because that is how my last relationship ended and it really does make you ask yourself so many questions. It's hard because in my last relationship, I caught him doing things that are not what a relationship is about and he always over promised that he was sorry or that he would change but that is rarely the case. Any time I forgave him, it was never the same relationship, I became more anxious in the relationship, I didn't have the same trust, and the love was slowly fading after realizing that what he was doing was not love. It is unfortunate that situations like this can change the way you are in a relationship even if you do not want it to. There is a subconscious shift of worrying that the same thing will happen again. Time is a major factor in trying to shift the mindset that was broken back to a healthier mentality on relationships.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani,
ReplyDeleteI was interested in your blog post from the title alone and was really intrigued in how you discussed the ways that cheating can affect the betrayed partner as well as different ways to help with this. In HDFS 402, we also learned about EFT, and I feel like this is a great way to approach this feeling. While not experiencing infidelity myself, I experienced it through my parents. While this has not only changed the way my mother views her relationship with my father, but it also continues to bother her in the most interesting times. She will be fine for a couple of days and then raging over the thought the next. In my own personal experience, I felt insecurity with my own partner. Overall, I loved your approach on this difficult topic, great blog post!
Hi Nalani,
ReplyDeleteWhile reading your blog post I was definitely able to relate to Zach and his experience. It is incredibly hard to be on the end of the relationship where your partner is not faithful. However, I have found in my experience that this experience has helped my ability to stand up for myself and set better boundaries in my next relationship. Even though when this relationship started off, I had all of my guards up and was often triggered by what seemed like silly little things, I have been able to grow and mature from this past experience. I am now able to define and realize my worth without the validation of others, I am able to set healthy boundaries, and I have incredible communication with my current partner. He was also cheated on in his past relationship so with both of us being on the receiving end of the problem we were able to set our boundaries with each other and create a relationship built on trust and good communication. So even though infidelity can cause problems in past relationships it doesn’t mean that they must cause future ones! Thanks for your post!
I had an interesting relationship during my senior year of high school. This girl and I were not boyfriend or girlfriend, but everyone knew that we were together. We did not want to put a label on what we were in hopes it would be easier to say goodbye to each other after graduation. I was definitely more attached to her than she was to me and I did not realize this till way after the relationship between us ended. I moved away right after graduation and I came to find out that this girl was talking to someone else behind my back when we were “together”. I found out that she was saying many negative remarks about me to this other person. I felt personally attacked and betrayed by this because it made me think that everything she told me before was all a lie. This caused major anxiety and trust issues in my next relationship.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani, I thought your blog post was very informative. It hit me deeply because I have also been in a relationship with infidelity. I can empathize with Zach because I have been in the same position. I ended my relationship after I found out about the acts of infidelity, but it was hard because I did not suddenly stop loving the person after it happened. Healing has been a process and I no longer go into relationships with the same naive mindset I had. I had never considered therapy, but your blog post has made me consider it. Thank you for tackling such a hard topic and creating such a well-rounded post.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani, this blog post about infidelity and attack could hit home for me. When reading your post, I could relate with your friend Zach. I understand the feeling of having your heart drop when you first find out. I took a couple of years off from dating when I found out my previous partner cheated on me. Now that I'm in a better relationship, my partner takes the time to understand where my fears and anxiety come from. He can reassure me that he is not the same guy as my ex, and it does help me out a lot to know there are better men out there. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani,
ReplyDeleteThis was a very interesting blog post, thank you for sharing. I have never experienced infidelity in a serious relationship, but I have a lot of mistrust in partners due to past situations where I am lied to. My parents have not given me great examples for romantic relationships or how to find a healthy relationship. Even though I did not experience this personally, infidelity had left significant impacts on how I form relationships and caused my avoidant attachment style. I think the mention to trying therapy is good but this did not work for me as I am so good at keeping up walls and not letting people in right away.
The view on attachment injuries was a really interesting way to view such things. Your point on how past affairs impact future relationships without awareness is very valid and I have seen it play out very often in my own relationships and my friends' relationships. I have noticed that even though I know my current partner loves me, they could easily change their mind one night and just not tell me to save my feelings. I myself do not have great examples for relationships in my life but I have aspirations to change this pattern of mistrust so my children will not have such bad examples.
ReplyDeleteInfidelity would be such a hard thing to overcome in a relationship. I personally have zero experience with infidelity either committing or my partner committing. I know a lot of people that have been cheated on and I only know one person that has cheated on someone else. Everyone I know that has been cheated on felt betrayed and was not able to trust again for a very long time. They all hurt and experienced similar feelings of PTSD and mistrust when entering new relationships afterward. The person I know that cheated feels a little bit of guilt but no big feelings of regret or sadness. She says that she feels bad about doing it but has no intention of telling her partner or reconciling.
ReplyDeleteThis blog post was very interesting to me. I can see how it may alter one's trust of others and their attachment style in relationships. I have always told myself that if someone cheated on me I would end the relationship there, however, when it comes to infidelity in marriages or long-term relationships, there is so much more to lose and it is likely more difficult to leave or break-up. Being in a relationship takes effort and understanding from both people. I think it is great to know how effective emotionally focused therapy is for couples who have experienced infidelity.
ReplyDeleteThis blog post was very engaging and I honestly wished it was longer once I finished! I recently experienced infidelity from my partner, and I can completely relate to Zach. He mentioned how his trust was severely damaged and it was hard for him to know if he can trust again, but he also said this experience provided him with time to truly reflect inward. I think experiencing infidelity looks different for everyone, but I think there is a universal feeling of emotional betrayal for those who have been cheated on. It is definitely a weird feeling, but it allows one to move forward on their own and recognize that they do not need to provide any more energy to people who are not deserving of it.
ReplyDeleteNalani, experiencing infidelity cannot be easy and I am sorry you had to endure this experience. It is interesting to me that you mention being able to trust a new partner, but what about learning to trust the partner that has hurt you? I wonder if this is something you would consider or if you would not be willing to repair the relationship. In my current relationship, we have each experienced an attachment injury from each other. In high school, I injured my boyfriend by participating in infidelity, and he injured me by making me feel betrayed by online images. We both reacted to the situation and responded with PTSD-like symptoms such as ruminating which we both fell deep into, as well as other PTSD responses. I found it so helpful to know that EFT is helpful, while I attend therapy my boyfriend has not and does not so this si something that would be completely foreign to him to start.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani! I found your blog really interesting to read and learn about. In today's society I think this is such a relevant topic about attachment styles and getting cheated on. I personally have never experienced getting cheated and can not imagine that when you fully trust someone. I agree with your point about how when someone already struggles with feeling like they are going to get cheated on and is a big fear and then it happens to them, is just cutting an open wound even deeper. But I found it interesting your research about how it almost feels like PTSD and in future relationships it continue to affect them. I found it really inspiring though how you talked about how it is still possible for them to find trust in the right person.
ReplyDeleteI can definitely see where Zach is coming from, I too just felt broken and kept asking myself what I had done wrong. After that relationship, I didn’t turn to drugs or alcohol but I turned to other people. I was going out and having sex with random people hoping it would make me feel better. Somehow the rush of flirting with someone and them flirting back made me feel like I was worth it again. I never understood why he cheated but knowing that others can love me, even if they didn’t helped me feel better. I also used sex as a form of not thinking about what had happened, talking and having sex with others would distract me from my feeling and the freedom I felt leaving was worth it.
ReplyDeleteHi Nalani,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic. I have never personally been in a relationship that has had infidelity be an issue, however, I have a lot of friends who have. I didn’t know about attachment injuries and learning about this topic really opened my eyes to what a lot of people in my life have dealt with. Much like your friend Zach, I have seen people in my life struggle to move on with their lives in the same way after being cheated on. I think that PTSD from these events needs to be talked about more so thank you for bringing that to light.
I think this was a really important blog post and I think that a lot of people could relate to it. Personally, I have never been cheated on or cheated, but I have close friends who have experiences infidelity. It is crazy how much something like that can impact a person and their ability to connect with others as well as just their mental states in general. One of my close friends found out she had been cheated on multiple times in a long term relationship and when she starting talking to another person, she was slow to warm up to them and took a while to make it official because of her new lack of trust in relationships. I definitely want to tell her about EFT because although she is now in a new relationship, she still carries the scars from the past relationship.
ReplyDeleteHey Nalani,
ReplyDeleteI think that you bring a good point up about the way human dynamics are and how pain may result in the damage of those relationships for good. Attachment injuries is something that I did not know was a term, but what it refers to I have felt and have had friends that have dealt with it. Having ptsd like events occur will definitely result in a strain among any relationship.
I really like this post because I have cheated and have been cheated on and I see both perspectives. When it happened to my, like the post you're constantly overthink and doubting yourself and truthfully really hurt. But I also think there is forgiveness depending on what it was, if it was just texting maybe it's easier, but if it was physical it is definitely harder. In the back of my mind now I am constantly thinking will they do this again? But, if you decide to forgive and continue in the relationship, constantly bringing it back up can also be very draining, you forgave and decided to leave that in the past! I definitely understand both sides, not that cheating and hurting people is okay though.
ReplyDeleteThis post does a very good job of displaying infidelity and recovering from the act very well. In the past, I have struggled and failed to look past infidelity, granted I was younger and the relationships obviously weren't as deep as say a marriage. My parents also struggle and failed with infidelity, which eventually ended their marriage. I think in some cases, a relationship can come back from that breaking of trust, however, I also think a very real amount of couples who experience infidelity can't come back from the experience, especially those who's relationship isn't very strong to begin with.
ReplyDeleteInfidelity is way more common than a lot of people actually think in my opinion. I feel like at least half of my friends have had an experience with a partner cheating on them and some of my friends have even admitted to being the ones that have cheated on past partners. So it makes sense to me that when a partner in a relationship feels deceived, abandoned, or like they can no longer trust them, attachment injuries can develop. I remember helping a friend when they got cheated on and they said they felt like they weren’t enough and started to wonder if they did something wrong in the relationship, which they didn’t.
ReplyDeleteHello Nalani, I loved how informative your post is! I experienced what you call an “attachment injury” in my first long-term relationship. My ex was cheating on me three months into our two-and-a-half-year-long relationship. He and I tried to make our relationship work for a couple of months after that, but all of our arguments would come back to him cheating on me. If he were not replying, I was checking his location and looking at his score on Snapchat; I would spiral thinking of all the different things he could be doing and who he could be with. Because of the infidelity and the severity of its outcomes on me, I have been unable to trust people when they come into my life. While my relationship was filled with emotional abuse, it taught me a lot about how a healthy relationship should look. Like your friend Zach, I think it will take a lot of work and understanding from a future partner.
ReplyDeleteThis brings up great points about infidelity/affairs and how or why it shapes a partner’s attachment styles. Cheating does affect potential or future relationships and having a specific attachment such as anxiety would put the individual into a type of thinking. After reading your blog, I can also apply attachment injuries to my personal life like having a past partner betraying my trust on loyalty and by seeing other girls besides me. With an attachment injury, I definitely have flashbacks from this incident which makes it difficult for me to trust my partner I have now about an infidelity. Zach’s experience with his past and how it affects future romantic partners is relatable and relevant towards trauma for cheating.
ReplyDeleteIt’s very challenging to think about continuing a relationship after infidelity occurs. After talking about it in Dr. Harvey’s class and then reading this blog post I have been thinking about how I’ve handled it in the past and how I would handle it if it happened now. I’m not very worried about it happening but it is interesting to see how it would affect my most serious relationship. In the past cheating has always been something that I wouldn’t forgive so it’s hard to think about doing so now. It would definitely be situational. The conversation of PTSD symptoms and trauma make it hard to feel like I would be able to move on from something such as infidelity.
ReplyDeleteThis is a very important topic and I don’t think people really talk about the impact that infidelity has on someone in so many different aspects. I have been through infidelity in all of my relationships and it definitely changes you as a person. After my first relationship I was very scared of getting into a new one because of the fear of being hurt and I could not imagine going through that again. However, after infidelity in my last relationship I was completely blindsided. I worked through the difficulties that came with getting cheated on with this partner and he helped me heal and we had a very healthy relationship. When I found out he has also done the same I was so disappointed and it took me a very long time to process. However through therapy and tons of reflection I have realized that it has nothing to do with me. No matter what I do if that person does not want to be faithful they will not. I can only trust that I will leave when I know I have been disrespected.
ReplyDeleteInfidelity and Attachment by Nalami Saeks
ReplyDeleteI was interested in this blog post because I have had infidelity in two of my relationships where the other person cheated on me. Both of these people had similar personality styles and in turn similar attachment styles in our relationship. Both of these people were extroverted and social and had underlying fears of disloyalty and abandonment. This is similar to what was blog post explain when stated "Attachment injuries occur when someone in a relationship feels abandoned, betrayed, or like they can no longer trust their partner" (Saeks, 2021). The two people who have cheated on me in the past had an anxious-abandonment style and my attachment style was avoidant. I have learned from personal experiences and this blog post that relationships between two people with these attachment styles are difficult due to communication and trust.
This blog post really resonated with me because in my past relationship I cheated on my partner and then he cheated on me at the end of our relationship. After I cheated on my boyfriend, I never told him and this honestly made me feel even worse. I was carrying this stress and guilt filled burden over my head for way too long. Although I was the untrustworthy one, the fact that I was capable of committing such an act of infidelity made me not trust him anymore. I somehow gave myself an attachment injury. I felt that I could no longer trust him even though he gave me no reason not to — or so I thought. After months of beating myself up and trying to convince myself that it was all in my head, I found out he was seeing another girl behind my back. Although this may have been the power of Karma, it still hurts tremendously. But, as stated in this post, there is always a chance for healing and I think this traumatic rollercoaster of a relationship only made me stronger.
ReplyDeleteGreat post! While I think it can be very difficult to recover from a cheating partner while having an anxious attachment style, there is hope and it IS possible! Self-help therapy strategies can really help turn your pain into understanding and self-love. After all, I have learned that the more I love myself, the more effort I put into my own life, the happier I am and the more I understand that a cheating partner has nothing to do with me nor hurts me for more time than it needs too. Therapy is an incredible tool for building oneself back up, and even better than before!
ReplyDelete-Lacey
Experiencing infidelity can be incredibly painful. It can shake your trust in future partners, damage your self-image, and leave lasting scars. I've been cheated on myself, and it's had a significant impact on my relationships. Like many people, I've struggled with anxiety because of it, and it's affected how I approach new relationships.
ReplyDeleteWhen someone is cheated on, they often feel betrayed and unworthy. For example, my friend Zach, who faced cheating in his first serious relationship, told me, "When I found out, it felt like my heart dropped. I kept questioning why I wasn't enough and became afraid of getting hurt again. My anxiety worsened, and it's caused issues in my future relationships. I even found myself being dishonest to avoid getting hurt."
Though Zach and I chose to end both our relationships, we try to stay hopeful about the future. Zach had said to me said, "It might take a lot of work and understanding, but I believe I can trust again. I'm focusing on remembering who I am and what I deserve."
If you've experienced any sort of infidelity, know that healing is possible, and considering therapy options like EFT might be helpful, as I found it very helpful.
There is nothing like the feeling of finding out about infidelity. Although I have never gained “proof” of sexual infidelity in my past relationships, I have had strong signs that hurt just as much when you know there is nothing you can do. As emphasized in this post, being cheated on is traumatic and unbelievably heartbreaking. One of my best friends from high school, Lily, had a boyfriend who cheated on her after three years. This breakup happened about 4-5 years ago now, and she still severely suffers the consequences. Although she is now in a new happy relationship, she still finds herself comparing her current relationship with her cheating relationship often. She tells me that it is hard to trust new people, knowing that even now her ex still hasn’t strayed from these habits. She feels a lack of closure in the fact that he hasn’t entirely learned from his mistakes at this point and feels envious that he has experienced no attachment injury. I can imagine these feelings are super hard to overcome, even after all those years.
ReplyDeleteTo me, infidelity is a terrible thing to do to your partner and is something I see as unforgivable in most situations. THis type of experience, if it happened to me, would shake not only the trust that I once had in my partner but also my sense of self-worth. I think that if this were to happen to me I would never get over it and in every relationship I was in following the incident I would constantly feel unworthy and unlovable. Fidelity isn’t just about loyalty as far as physical altercation but more so about emotional attachment and loyalty to just one person at a time. I really enjoyed when you spoke about how great a partner needs to be following your partner that cheated in order to rebuild your trust again. As someone who has never personally been cheated on but has friends and family who has this subject is something i've always assumed will never happen to me, and I hope i am right! While I understand that some individuals are capable of moving past infidelity, personally, I don't think i would be able or wanting to stay in a relationship where trust has been broken on such a large scale.
ReplyDeleteYour post resonates deeply with my own experience. During my high school relationship, I was the one to introduce the idea of an open relationship as I left for college. While my partner agreed, they later confessed they hadn’t explored it while I had, leading to feelings of betrayal on both sides. Although technically not infidelity, the emotional fallout resembled an attachment injury, with trust, self-image, and communication suffering greatly. Healing has been a gradual process, especially as we still see each other. Like Zach, I find hope in the idea of rebuilding trust, both in myself and with future partners, knowing that understanding and effort can pave the way forward.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this post! I really appreciate how attachment injuries can stem from infidelity, possibly damaging an individual's perspective of romantic relationships in the future. Zach’s story and his description of feeling of low self worth and anxiety really resonated with me. I got cheated on in a previous relationship and it took constant reassurance from my family and friends to remind me that my partner's infidelity does not mean that my shortcomings were the reason they did it. Grieving the lost trust, and the relationship as a whole, has not been a linear path, but finding comfort and trust in new people has offered a new sense of healing!
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