Quarantine, Attraction, and Attachment: Are you COVID crushing?

 

Is it just me, or has being in a pandemic totally tricked our brains about love and connection? After spending almost a year with only a fraction of my usual personal interactions, it seems that coming back into a new normal is not seamless. On the one hand, I feel more independent and content with myself than ever. On the other, I am desperate for human connection. I was curious how attachment style may influence our experience of relationships in unprecedented situations, and decided to ask a friend of mine, Tanya, about her recent interactions. Based on the characteristics explained in lecture by Dr. Harvey (2021), Tanya identified herself as leaning more toward an avoidant attachment style, unlike myself as I tend to be more anxious. Yet, she shared with me that she relates to my experience of feeling polarized, saying,

“It’s like I fall in love a little bit every day. I will see a cute guy in my apartment building, and for the next 24 hours, I will be sure that he’s the one. I’ve got our wedding planned; our children’s names picked out. But if he were to actually come up and talk to me or, god forbid, ask me out? I wouldn’t know what to do. I’m not really the type to go on dates with complete strangers, because I am typically happy on my own.”

When I asked her if this was new behavior for her, she said yes, explaining that she didn’t feel these obsessive crushes before.

“Someone usually has to really impress me to get my attention, but now, it’s like anyone is up for grabs. I guess I was fine being alone when it seemed like there was always the option available. Since quarantine, though, I realized I need people more than I thought.”

Tanya may be experiencing the influence of the Halo Effect, a phenomenon in which one perceives more attractive faces to also be more trustworthy. Research has generally shown that securely attached people exhibit the Halo Effect more strongly because they are less wary of others. Results from a recent study by Gabrieli, Lim, and Esposito (2021), complicate this, though. In their study, participants were randomly assigned to watch one of three videos depicting either couples hugging, a news clip on the importance of social distancing, or a short nature video, and were then asked to rate the attractiveness and trustworthiness of human faces. Researchers found that people who were shown the video of hugging or of social distancing made stronger judgements on the faces and, regardless of the individuals attachment style, showed more of the Halo Effect. The authors hypothesized that this was because when people are exposed to either the idea of being near others or the threat of being away from others, they are more invested in making quick decisions about strangers who may offer them comfort and connection (Gabrieli, Lim, & Esposity, 2021). This could explain why Tanya, who has lacked time to socialize and connect, is drawn to strangers she finds attractive much more strongly than she was previously.

Although this was an ambitious study that will need far more research to fully understand, it certainly points us in an interesting direction as we continue to explore how attachment style and experience of isolation may impact each other. This also adds to the debate around whether attachment styles are states or traits (Harvey, 2021) because it shows that our attachment style may not be an inherent quality, but instead fluctuates based on the situation. I, too, have personally felt shifts in my attachment style over the pandemic. Unlike Tanya, I have become less invested with strangers because I have somewhat adjusted to being more isolated. Yet, the relationships I do form have become highly important to me, and I demand more from the people I interact with.

So, I am curious: have you become more or less preoccupied with relationships since the pandemic? Do you feel any of your attachment behaviors have changed, or maybe your entire attachment style? Let me know in the comments!

 

Gabrieli, G., Lim, Y. Y., & Esposito, G. (2021). Influences of Social Distancing and attachment

styles on the strength of the Halo Effect. PLoS ONE, 16(8), 1–16.

            https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1371/journal.pone.0256364

Harvey, A. (2021). Couples and attachment [PowerPoint Slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State

University Canvas site for HDFS 402.  https://colostate.instructure.com/

courses/133036/pages/module-9-overview?module_item_id=4055555.

Is your attachment style breaking your heart?

 

Last year, a close friend of mine and recent graduate from CSU, Cassidy, went through a whirlwind relationship that ended in heartbreak. Now in a much healthier relationship, she sat down with me and opened up about where she thinks it at all went wrong. Having prior knowledge of attachment styles, she immediately labeled herself as very high on attachment anxiety, and identified with many of the characteristics described by Dr. Harvey (2021) such as a constant need for reassurance, a need to be close to her partner, and fear that she is more interested in the relationship than her partner is. She guessed that her previous partner was also anxiously attached and exhibited many of the same behaviors as herself.

              Cassidy says that at the start of the relationship, everything was perfect. She had never dated another woman, so it was their immediate chemistry and attraction that made her willing to go public. She mentions that, having no experience in a queer relationship, she thought their quick obsession with each other was normal, stating, “I know how close I am with my female friends, so it just made sense that having a romantic version of that closeness would be incredibly intense.” Quickly, though, their bond became toxic. Her partner was increasingly insisting on more and more time together, sharing deeper aspects of their personal lives, and feeling jealous about her other friends or hobbies. “I noticed that I started hiding her behavior from my friends, claiming that I was the one who had set up a date, or that I agreed with her about sharing our phone passwords and monitoring each other’s time,” Cassidy said.

              I asked Cassidy about how they acted when they were actually together. She explained that conversations started out happy, but soon became centered on undermining and questioning. Her girlfriend often accused her of not loving her enough, or not spending enough time with her. In the moment, she would often accept blame and apologize, but then later she would start her own argument, looking for revenge. I followed up with this by asking how that compared to her current relationship. She replied: “I did grow a lot from that relationship, so in some ways I was more ready for my new one. In a lot of ways, though, I am the same. The real difference is my new partner. She understands my anxiety, and we balance each other out. Every conversation doesn’t have to escalate, even ones that are challenging. I feel more like myself with her.”

              Cassidy perceives her new partner to be securely attached, unlike herself and her previous partner, who she identified as anxiously attached. Research from Domingue and Mollen indicated that couples with 2 securely attached partners had less negative communication styles, less demand-withdraw patterns, less avoidance, and less withholding compared to couples with at least one insecurely attached partner. In other words, 2 securely attached individuals showed better overall communication skills. Yet, unlike other studies, their data did not find that having one securely attached partner and one insecurely attached partner (like Cassidy’s relationship) was beneficial (Domingue & Mollen, 2009). Although Domingue and Mollen’s results did not support this, one could see how having one person with secure attachment in the couple may improve communication, such as in the case of Cassidy and her new partner, so more research in this area is necessary.

 Personally, I relate to Cassidy’s experience, and feel that my partner greatly impacts my attachment style as well as how I communicate attachment related needs. If you are willing to share your thought or experiences on this, please do! You may help other students overcome their messy relationships, or remind them that they are not alone.

 

Domingue, R., & Mollen, D. (2009). Attachment and conflict communication in adult romantic

relationships. Journal of Social & Personal Relationships, 26(5), 678–696. https://doi-

org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1177/0265407509347932

Harvey, A. (2021). Couples and attachment [PowerPoint Slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State

University Canvas site for HDFS 402.  https://colostate.instructure.com/

courses/133036/pages/module-9-overview?module_item_id=4055555.

Chat rooms and attachment: Is social media ruining or revealing your relationship?

 

            With technology use only increasing, and after a year and half of social distancing, it is not surprising that online relationships, whether on social media or dating sites, are taking over more of our time. Although social media has many benefits, it does not come without risks, especially if you are already in a committed relationship. Based on my own experience and class lecture material (Harvey, 2021), it seems most people agree that cheating on your partner is not simply limited to physical contact but includes emotional connection and behaviors that can take place as easily online as they can in real life. To find out more about infidelity in the digital age, I started with the research.

              McDaniel, Drouin, and Cravens recently investigated the relationship between social media use, attachment style, and relationship satisfaction. To understand participants social media use, they asked questions about online behavior (such as “I sometimes chat with past romantic partners,” or “I give people online personal, emotional information instead of my partner”) and about perceptions of their behavior (“I would feel uncomfortable if my partner read my online messages”). Overall, few participants reported infidelity related (IR) behaviors or perceptions; however, in those that did, researchers found that couples who reported higher IR engagement and also showed lower relationship satisfaction, a relationship they interpret to be bi-directional. Additionally, despite both insecure attachment styles predicting increased IR engagement, it was anxiously attached participants that showed the most significant correlation to lower relationship satisfaction.

              I was curious about how these results may be altered if the behavioral and perceptual categorize had been distinguished. Lauren, a third-year student here at CSU, considers herself generally securely attached to her long-term boyfriend but, when distressed, leans toward avoidant. She provided some comments on this topic, saying:

              “I think people write too many labels about what is or is not ‘really’ cheating; a 3 second hug is fine, but a 6 second hug would basically be an affair. I don’t want to be like that, though, especially when it comes to online. I never want to ask him [her boyfriend] about how many girls he follows on Instagram, or how often he likes their pictures. He knows in his heart if he is doing something wrong and, eventually, whether he wants to tell me or not, the effects of that will be seen in our relationship. ‘Really cheating’ is not the only justifiable reason to end things.”

              This statement was very interesting to me in the context of the study, since several participants were concerned about their partner seeing their messages but did not report actually doing anything they or their partner would consider wrong. Based on Lauren’s experience, it could be true that internet usage becomes a problem only when the couple thinks it is a problem, regardless of their real online behavior. However, this is likely not true in all cases. For example, if one partner has been unfaithful online by sending clearly flirtatious message, let’s say, then the other partner might have heightened awareness of their actions in the future. This would be an example of how behavior, not just their thoughts, impact the relationship and change patterns. If you have never experienced infidelity and have a happy relationship, I can imagine that you would have different opinions on trust than if you had been in negative or unfaithful relationships, especially if you are already prone to attachment anxiety.

              What are your thoughts and experiences related to online infidelity? Do you think infidelity related behavior is the cause of relationship problems, or simply a manifestation of them? Do you think your own history and attachment style influence the limits you set for your partner? I would love to hear from you!

 

Harvey, A. (2021). Infidelity and Affairs [PowerPoint Slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State

University Canvas site for HDFS 402. 

https://colostate.instructure.com/courses/133036/pages/module-11-

overview?module_item_id=4055561.

McDaniel, B. T., Drouin, M., & Cravens, J. D. (2017). Do you have anything to hide? Infidelity-related

behaviors on social media sites and marital satisfaction. Computers in Human Behavior, 66, 88–

95. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1016/j.chb.2016.09.031

Attachment and Addiction

    If you’ve been reading this blog, we know that attachment styles can heavily influence aspects of our lives such as relationships, thought processes, and self-image. However, as we’ve written about in our prior posts, attachment style has also been found to have an influence on the addictive tendencies of others. In a recent study, it was found that individuals with an anxious attachment style are more likely to relapse into addictive tendencies. With the back and forth that individuals with anxious attachment styles experience, it can be very easy to go from one extreme of avoiding something to needing an endless amount of it, which helps make sense of why relapse is more common. These back-and-forth behaviors are reflected both in relationships and correlate with addictive behaviors in individuals with anxious attachment styles. 

        For the sake of privacy, I am withholding the identity of the individual that I interviewed privately. They helped shed light on how relapse relates to attachment style. 

 “It can be really easy to find that immediate-release that things like drugs or coping behaviors can offer. Especially when you are at that extreme of just feeling like you need so much of something, it can be easier to go back to your own behaviors than to rely on others.” 

     As someone with an anxious attachment style, I have found that my coping mechanisms come into play when I am most vulnerable and overwhelmed. Although they are not drugs, I can understand how relapse within these behaviors is extremely common, as I resort back to my more negative coping mechanisms when I feel extreme anxiety. My interviewee was able to reflect on this as well: 

 “It sometimes feels as though the anxiety will swallow you whole if you don’t find a way to relieve it. Relapsing with coping behaviors has always been a way for me to fight this overwhelming feeling and deal with these feelings that don’t include projecting onto others. This makes me feel a lot safer and that I can both understand and rely on my actions and know who to blame if they go wrong.” 

     Throughout this interview, it became apparent that this issue is a reoccurring issue, as it is for many individuals with this attachment pattern. Luckily, there are ways to help an anxious attachment style through therapy methods like CBT. I have found that this has personally worked so well for some of the things that I struggle with relating to my anxiety and anxious attachment style. Another study done found that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, (a practice geared towards challenging and changing negative thought patterns and beliefs) found that this practice greatly benefits those with high anxiety related to attachments.

1 & 2 Marshall, S. W., Albery, I. P., & Frings, D. (2018). Who stays in addiction treatment groups? Anxiety and avoidant attachment styles predict treatment retention and relapse. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 25(4), 525–531. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1002/cpp.2187 3. McBride C, et al. "Attachment As Moderator of Treatment Outcome in Major Depression: A Randomized Controlled Trial of Interpersonal Psychotherapy Versus Cognitive Behavior Therapy," Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology (2006): Vol. 74, No. 6, pp. 1041–54

Infidelity and Attachment

Infidelity and Attachment

By Nalani Saeks

Experiencing infidelity can be really hard. For many people, it can shake their trust in future partners, sever their relationships, and damage their self-image or sense of worthiness. I know that I personally had experienced infidelity throughout my high school years and this is a somewhat common experience for many people, as 21% of married men and 11% of married women engage in sexual infidelity.^[i] For me, in addition to already having an anxious attachment style, the wounds from being cheated on have definitely impacted my relationships today. But what happens when infidelity causes someone great pain? And is it possible to heal from an attachment injury like cheating and go on to trust a new partner?

 

Attachment injuries occur when someone in a relationship feels abandoned, betrayed, or like they can no longer trust their partner.^[ii]  Because infidelity can cause the affected partner to feel betrayed, abandoned, and unable to trust, it is considered an attachment injury. The pain of affairs and being cheated on can cause a number of responses including shame, depression, anxiety, and flashbacks, all features of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).^[iii] One of my good friends, Zach, experienced cheating in his first long-term relationship, I asked him how it impacted his feelings about himself and how it affected his trust in future partners. He explained that he felt absolutely betrayed and unworthy. 

 

“It’s hard to explain exactly what it does to you when you first find out, but I can still remember how my heart dropped. I started to think about it constantly, questioning why I wasn’t enough. I didn’t want to get into another relationship because I was afraid I would feel that pain again. My anxiety definitely got worse after it happened and it feels like that cycle has continued with my other romantic partners. My trust issues cause problems and I have definitely been dishonest in order to prevent myself from getting hurt, again” 

 

Although the aftermath of experiencing this type of attachment injury can include symptoms of PTSD like numbing, avoidance, rumination, and hypervigilance, it is possible to heal from this type of betrayal.^[iv]  One of the most helpful forms of therapy for couples that chose to stay together that research has shown is EFT or emotionally focused therapy. ^[v] Up to 73% of couples who have worked with a therapist using EFT have been able to heal the relationship and stay together ^[vi] For those of us that have experienced infidelity and struggle with healing our relationship if we chose to stay in it, this is great news. Although Zach chose to end the relationship in which his partner cheated, I asked him about whether or not he felt hopeful about his future relationships he said,

 

“I think that it might take a lot of work, and probably an understanding partner, but I do think that I will be able to trust again. I’ve been taking time to remember who I am and what I deserve and I am hopeful that I will find that one day”. 

 

 

Like any trauma, there is always a chance for healing. Although the dynamic nature of humans can sometimes lead to us causing pain in those that we love, we also have the amazing gift of resilience. If you are struggling with any of the common reactions to a betrayal from a romantic partner, noting that it is normal to experience a PTSD response might be helpful in how you approach your path to healing. If you have personally experienced an attachment injury such as cheating, it might be helpful to consider finding a therapist who is trained in EFT. 

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^[i]Harvey, A. (2021). HDFS 402: Infidelity and Affairs[PowerPoint slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State University Canvas site for HDFS 402: https://colostate.instructure.com/courses/120328/pages/module-11-overview?module_item_id=3358196

^[ii] Makinen, J. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2006). Resolving attachment injuries in couples using emotionally focused therapy: Steps toward forgiveness and reconciliation. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 74(6), 1055–1064. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006x.74.6.1055 

^[iii] Harvey, A. (2021). HDFS 402: Infidelity and Affairs[PowerPoint slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State University Canvas site for HDFS 402: https://colostate.instructure.com/courses/120328/pages/module-11-overview?module_item_id=3358196

^[iv] Harvey, A. (2021). HDFS 402: Infidelity and Affairs[PowerPoint slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State University Canvas site for HDFS 402: https://colostate.instructure.com/courses/120328/pages/module-11-overview?module_item_id=3358196

^[v]Schade, L. C., & Sandberg, J. G. (2012). Healing the Attachment Injury of Marital Infidelity Using Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy: A Case Illustration. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 40(5), 434–444. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2011.631374 

^[vi] Makinen, J. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2006). Resolving attachment injuries in couples using emotionally focused therapy: Steps toward forgiveness and reconciliation. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 74(6), 1055–1064. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006x.74.6.1055 

"Just Leave Me Alone!" A quick guide to understanding and communicating your attachment needs

 “Just Leave Me Alone!” A quick guide to understanding and communicating your attachment needs. 

 

So hopefully at this point, you know what your attachment style is. If not, go check out the other awesome blog posts to figure it out! Unfortunately, when we have insecure attachment styles, it can make communicating with our intimate partners difficult. This post will help you understand some of your attachment needs and some common behaviors that people with anxious and avoidant attachment styles display. Then, I will give you examples of how to own your needs and communicate them effectively to your intimate partners. 

 

Avoidant Behaviors: 

●      Attempt to maintain independence^[i]

●      Distancing coping strategies^[ii] (removing themselves from conflict etc.)

●      Fear of intimacy^[iii]

●      Denying partner’s attachment needs^[iv]

 

Anxious Behaviors:

●      Vigilant about partners pulling away ^[v]

●      Clinging^[vi]

●      Demanding^[vii]

●      Fear of separation^[viii]

●      Over expression of needs^[ix]

 

Anxious Needs: 

●      Closeness with partner^[x]

Avoidant Needs:

●      To feel appreciated^[xi]

Note* This is not a comprehensive list 

 

I interviewed my brother, Charlie,  and his girlfriend, Bea, about their communication patterns and whether they thought it was impacted by their attachment styles. They told me: 

 

Bea (anxious attachment style): “I definitely struggle with explaining to Charlie that my fear or abandonment can make me behave in ways that I realize aren’t even helpful. I tend to cling and accuse him of things when I’m feeling disconnected. This can impact his response for sure.”

 

Charlie (avoidant attachment style): “Yeah. I usually shut down and get angry when I feel like I’ve done something wrong so it’s hard for me to put myself in her shoes.” 

 

Although these are common responses for these attachment styles, it is possible to slowly break this cycle of communication and help tune into your partners needs during conflict. These examples are suggestions made by my therapist and examples of phrases that my partner and I try to use to break our anxious-avoidant cycle. 

 

Some examples for expressing anxious attachment needs: 

 

“I can understand if it is hard to talk about things when they go wrong in our relationship, sometimes I get scared, too. At the same time, something has come up that I would like to work together to resolve so that we can feel close. Will you let me know when you are ready to talk?” 

 

“I love that we are able to spend time apart doing our own things, at the same time, I have felt a little disconnected recently, could you help me find a solution so that we can balance our time together with our other activities?” 

 

Some examples for expressing avoidant attachment needs: 

 

“What you have to say is really important to me, but I struggle to listen when I feel like I messed up. Could we try approaching this in a different way?”

 

“I’m noticing you are feeling a lot of emotions right now, it makes sense that you would be upset about this. At the same time, I am used to turning inward to calm myself down and avoid painful emotions. Can you help me understand how I can help you right now?” 

 

I hope that this guide can help you express your needs in a safe way and benefit you and your partner in the future! I would love to hear what communication strategies work in your relationships! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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^[i] Simpson, J. A.,; Rholes, W. S. (2012). Adult Attachment Orientations, Stress, and Romantic Relationships. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 279–328. https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-0-12-394286-9.00006-8 

^[ii] Simpson, J. A.,; Rholes, W. S. (2012). Adult Attachment Orientations, Stress, and Romantic Relationships. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 279–328. https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-0-12-394286-9.00006-8 

^[iii] Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2012). Adult Attachment Orientations, Stress, and Romantic Relationships. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 279–328. https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-0-12-394286-9.00006-8  

^[iv]Vollmann, M., Sprang, S., & van den Brink, F. (2019). Adult attachment and relationship satisfaction: The mediating role of gratitude toward the partner. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(11-12), 3875–3886. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519841712 

^[v] Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2012). Adult Attachment Orientations, Stress, and Romantic Relationships. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 279–328. https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-0-12-394286-9.00006-8 

^[vi]Vollmann, M., Sprang, S., & van den Brink, F. (2019). Adult attachment and relationship satisfaction: The mediating role of gratitude toward the partner. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(11-12), 3875–3886. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519841712 

^[vii]Vollmann, M., Sprang, S., & van den Brink, F. (2019). Adult attachment and relationship satisfaction: The mediating role of gratitude toward the partner. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(11-12), 3875–3886. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519841712 

^[viii]Vollmann, M., Sprang, S., & van den Brink, F. (2019). Adult attachment and relationship satisfaction: The mediating role of gratitude toward the partner. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(11-12), 3875–3886. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519841712 

^[ix]Vollmann, M., Sprang, S., & van den Brink, F. (2019). Adult attachment and relationship satisfaction: The mediating role of gratitude toward the partner. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(11-12), 3875–3886. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519841712

^[x] Simpson, J. A., ; Rholes, W. S. (2012). Adult Attachment Orientations, Stress, and Romantic Relationships. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 279–328. https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-0-12-394286-9.00006-8  

^[xi]Vollmann, M., Sprang, S., & van den Brink, F. (2019). Adult attachment and relationship satisfaction: The mediating role of gratitude toward the partner. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(11-12), 3875–3886. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519841712 

Attachment Struggles During Pregnancy

    Being pregnant and creating a family of your own is one of many people’s greatest achievements in life and can be a large source of joy. While I don’t have any first-hand pregnancy experience, I remember when my mom was pregnant with my twin sisters. I was only four years old, so I only remember being super excited about seeing my mom walk around with my sisters in her belly.

    While pregnancy is a time of joy and excitement for many, it can have many hard components that come along with it such as depression, anxiety, and changing self-image issues. This got me thinking, how does being pregnant impact attachment? I interviewed my mother, Cindy, about her experiences during pregnancy. When asked about changes in her relationship she noticed while pregnant, she said:

“Being pregnant was one of the greatest periods of my life, but I remember it brought a lot of difficulties that I didn’t have before. It made me feel really insecure about my image and what I could do with my body, and the stress of having a high-risk pregnancy really took a toll on the romance in [my husband and I’s] relationship,”

    Cindy isn’t alone in these feelings. In fact, many pregnant women go through many hard mental as well as physical changes during pregnancy. While many women report symptoms of a changing attachment style, attachment science isn’t often applied to pregnancy outside of the mother and child. One study examined this specifically within teenagers, and found that pregnant teenagers are three times more likely to form an insecure attachment style such as enmeshed (anxious), angry-dismissive (avoidant), or fearful¹. This in turn contributes to significantly higher rates of depression for pregnant women. Adult pregnant women were also found to have a more insecure attachment style compared to pregnant teenagers¹.

    However, pregnancy also has the  ability to cause many positives in relationships. When asked about positives she saw in her relationship while pregnant, Cindy recalled:

“While the ‘stereotypical’ romantic things died down, I fell in love with [my husband] more and more while pregnant. Going through something like this together really strengthens your bond, your trust, and your commitment to each other. I felt very happy and safe, even if the romantic picnics weren’t as frequent anymore.”

    Pregnancy is a huge change for many individuals, and has the possibility to lead to both positive and negative outcomes. I think one of the key takeaways from this topic is that more research needs to be done to examine the relationship between pregnancy and romantic attachment. It is also important to think of ways we can support pregnant persons and how individuals whose partners are pregnant can foster a secure attachment style during this time.

    I’d love to hear how you think people can foster a secure attachment style while going through pregnancy, and how can they keep this going after the baby is born. Comment your thoughts below!

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¹ Figueiredo, B., Bifulco, A., Pacheco, A., Costa, R., & Magarinho, R. (2006). Teenage pregnancy, attachment style, and depression: A comparison of teenage and adult pregnant women in a Portuguese series. Attachment & Human Development, 8(2), 123–138. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1080/14616730600785686

Help! How Do I Heal?

 Help! How do I heal? 

For those of us who struggle with an insecure attachment style, it can be difficult to know what path to take to get ourselves closer to experiencing the world as someone with a secure attachment. Although there is no shame in having an anxious, avoidant, or mixed insecure attachment style, I know that I wanted to feel secure with my long-term partner and try and decrease the anxiety I felt surrounding our relationship. After starting therapy with a therapist who focuses on trauma-focused techniques for healing, I found that I was able to calm my nervous system surrounding my fears of abandonment. I hope to offer a little guidance so that  my fellow insecure attachment friends find similar relief. 

 

The techniques that my therapist uses are brainspotting and EFT (emotional freedom technique) and if you are interested in learning more about either of these, I have attached links at the end of this post. However, I will be focusing on another technique today called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). If you are unfamiliar with EMDR, I will give a brief overview and then discuss how this approach can be useful in overcoming the hardships that come with an insecure attachment. Basically, EMDR is an approach that therapists use that involves using sounds that go from ear to ear, taps from hand to hand, or eye movements while assisting the client in processing trauma, shame, fear, and other challenges.

^[1]

The main focus is to desensitize the client to their original emotional responses to triggers.^[ii] Because people who experience insecure attachment styles tend to fear being abandoned, fear intimacy, ruminate over the relationship, and experience other challenges that prevent them from finding safety and security in their intimate relationships, utilizing a technique that can calm these fears can be extremely helpful.^[iii]  

 

As I began my research on EMDR, I remembered that my cousin, Mairi, had found success with this technique and she has also shared that she struggled with insecure attachment. When I asked her if she felt like EMDR has helped her overcome negative core beliefs she held about herself and if she felt like her anxiety surrounding relationships has changed sinced starting EMDR she responded,

 

“Yes, absolutely. It has enabled me to rediscover the relationship I have with myself and not feel like my brain is lying to me constantly. And I have also been able to accept the trauma that I have gone through and not let it hold me back in future relationships. I have developed a really great support system now that I am able to trust myself and trust others.” 

 

Mairi noted that she feels like EMDR has had a great impact on her attachment style. This aligns with research conducted surrounding the impact that EMDR has on helping people gain a secure attachment style even if they started with an insecure attachment style.^[iv] This is just one way to begin on your path to healing and attempt to form a secure attachment. If this is something you are interested in, as my cousin Mairi said, 

 

“It’s okay to not go with the first EMDR specialist you meet. You need to find someone you connect with and feel supported by”. 

 

This work is difficult, but it is so worth it.

 The EMDR International Association (EMDRIA) can help you find an EMDR practitioner  This work is difficult, but it is so worth it.

 

 

 

 

Link to details about Brainspotting:

 

https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/brainspotting-therapy

 

Link to details about EFT:

 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6381429/

 

 

 

 

 

 

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^[1] Wesselmann, D., Davidson, M., Armstrong, S., Schweitzer, C., Bruckner, D., & Potter, A. E. (2012). EMDR as a treatment for improving attachment status in adults and children. European Review of Applied Psychology, 62(4), 223–230. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.erap.2012.08.008 

^[ii]Wesselmann, D., Davidson, M., Armstrong, S., Schweitzer, C., Bruckner, D., & Potter, A. E. (2012). EMDR as a treatment for improving attachment status in adults and children. European Review of Applied Psychology, 62(4), 223–230. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.erap.2012.08.008 

 

^[iii] Harvey, A. (2021). HDFS 402: Infidelity and Affairs[PowerPoint slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State University Canvas site for HDFS 402: https://colostate.instructure.com/courses/120328/pages/module-9-overview?module_item_id=3358190

 

^[iv] Wesselmann, D., Davidson, M., Armstrong, S., Schweitzer, C., Bruckner, D., & Potter, A. E. (2012). EMDR as a treatment for improving attachment status in adults and children. European Review of Applied Psychology, 62(4), 223–230. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.erap.2012.08.008 

 

Attachment Style and Related Medical Needs

    The relationships that we form with others play a huge role in your physical and mental health. Being able to create and maintain healthy relationships can stem from the attachment style that is developed in childhood and influenced throughout life. Many individuals are affected by childhood-related trauma, or other negative life events that can lead to having insecure attachment styles within relationships. 

     Based on previous experiences that correspond to an individual’s overall attachment style, research has found that some resulting attachment styles have a higher need for medical attention throughout their lives than others. Based on coping mechanisms and attachment styles that have developed from interpersonal experiences, some individuals have experienced more detrimental effects to their mental health, which then corresponds to physical health. 

     Honestly, I think that this is so highly correlated with the amount of satisfaction and healthiness that we see in our relationships. Relationships, especially intimate ones, can have drastic effects on our day-to-day lives. This includes our mental health and physical health, so having an attachment style in which you are unable to develop healthy relationships can be very straining on multiple aspects of life. Insecure attachment styles have been found to correspond to higher levels of physical symptoms and more symptom reporting than those with secure attachments For the sake of this blog post, I interviewed a friend of mine, Hunter, who has also struggled with attachment style. I asked him specifically how this affected his medical needs and this is what he had to say: 

 “I have an anxious attachment style, and I have found that I go to the doctor pretty frequently. I have several medical issues that impact my life but don’t have an official diagnosis as to why I experience them. These include migraines, stomach pain, and regularly having nights where I am throwing up but am not ‘sick’. I don’t know if this has any correlation to my attachment style or if my body is just weird, but I do go pretty frequently.” 

    

     As Hunter’s story suggests, studies have found that individuals with insecure attachment styles are more likely to have a need for medical attention more regularly. Individuals with anxious attachment styles have been seen to have more medical visits than those with any other attachment style. 

     I have personally experienced these effects through my romantic relationships. I struggle with having a more anxious/insecure attachment style due to past trauma, and it can be really difficult at times to talk with my partner and not internalize many of the things that may ‘trigger’ my trauma responses. 

     As we have talked about in this blog, there are a lot of ways to increase attachment security in relationships and improve health. I found that going to therapy and talking with a professional regarding the problems I have had has made my health significantly better. This reduces the strain that is placed on an individual and can create healthier coping mechanisms, improving the result that this has on physical health because of the correlation it has to mental health. The ties that mental and physical health have together are ones that should be known and acknowledged by everyone. Hunter said something in our interview that also related to this concept, 

 “I know that mental symptoms can begin to manifest and present as physical symptoms within my life, and I often wonder if that’s where some of my symptoms come from. I have noticed when I am in a better place mentally, I don’t experience them as frequently.” 

     It can be really difficult to work through the problems that arise in disordered attachment styles but there is still hope! Having a solid support system and knowing the resources that are available to you plays a large part in this. At the end of the day, recognize your needs and understand what you can do to meet them in the most effective way possible.

1 & 2. Lafrenaye-Dugas, et. Al.. (2020) Profiles of medical services use and health status in sex therapy clients: Associations with therapeutic alliance, attachment and trauma. Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality. Vol. 29 Issue 3, p263-274. 12p. 

 3. Cienchanowski, P., Walker, E., Katon, W., & Russo, J. (2002). Attachment Theory: A Model for Health Care Utilization and Somatization. Psychosomatic Medicine. Volume 64, Issue 2, p. 660-667.

Mindfulness – It Impacts More than just Yourself!

    Mindfulness is something we have all heard a lot about, that is, the idea of intentionally strengthening or achieving peace within your mind, body, and soul. I myself have struggled with achieving what I thought were “typical” types of mindfulness, but I found out that mindfulness can be achieved through a variety of ways: through meditation, taking a walk, even crafting or listening to music.

    I have been told the benefits of mindfulness for as long as I can remember, and I always have heard that it can impact every area of your life. As someone with an anxious attachment style who is in a committed relationship with someone who holds a secure attachment style, I got to wondering how mindfulness is related to attachment.

    As it turns out, there is a very strong association between mindfulness and attachment styles, with those with insecure attachment styles reporting lower levels of mindfulness¹. Mindfulness activities diminish perceived stress, anxiety, rumination, and negative affect and increase positive affect and self-compassion¹. These are all contributors to well-being in relationships, as well as predictors of attachment security.

    While I may be inexperienced in practicing mindfulness, I have many friends who have been practicing it for years. I reached out to one of them, Olivia, and asked her about how she’s noticed mindfulness impacting her life, but especially regarding her dating life:

"The most valuable thing about mindfulness, which for me exists in the form of meditation and  reflection, is an increase in self-esteem. I have found not only to appreciate myself more, but also how to work on becoming more confident. This has helped me in my dating life because I know my worth and my partner’s worth, and I find I don’t get jealous or clingy nearly as much as I used to.”

    Olivia, while not currently in a committed relationship, hints at one of the concepts discussed earlier: secure attachment. Olivia’s mindfulness practices have allowed her to form healthy habits that contribute to her secure attachment style, which has been beneficial in her relationships. The research backs this up, it has been shown that mindfulness increases sense of well-being and diminishes the negative effects of insecure attachment on this well-being.

    While this relationship between mindfulness and attachment science is new, there are very promising correlations between the two. This is something we can all take into account with our relationships, both romantic and platonic. I know I will be starting to make some more time in my week to explore mindfulness, and I look forward to seeing its impact on my relationships. Remember, mindfulness can be practiced in many different ways – it is all about finding the one that is best for you. What are your favorite ways to practice mindfulness?

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¹ Davis, T. J., Morris, M., & Drake, M. M. (2016). The moderation effect of mindfulness on the relationship between adult attachment and wellbeing. Personality and Individual Differences, 96, 115–121. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1016/j.paid.2016.02.080