Knowing our partners attachment style is a useful way to gain a deeper understanding of their behavior, as well as a way to predict future behavior1. In our relationships we act in predictable ways based on our attachment style. The authors of the book Attached, even go as far as saying that these predictable behaviors are predetermined. Our attachment style influences our views on physical and emotional intimacy, conflict management, communication skills, and overall desires in the relationship. As a result of the influence attachment has on these behaviors, we can make predictions based on our partner’s attachment style. We can predict that individuals with an avoidant attachment style want emotional closeness but have an even stronger desire to push their partner away and maintain their independence. We can also predict that individuals with an anxious attachment style may desire to be close to their partner, and when they are not this desire can consume them. As you can see, knowing our partners attachment style can help us explain and predict the behavior which will transform your relationship1. For this blog I had Sophie complete the quiz and answer the reflection questions below. Sophie has been dating Tyler for the last year, but they have been long distance their entire relationship.
1. What were your results from the attachment style survey? What did you decipher as your partners attachment style?
My results showed that I was insecure avoidant. Tyler was secure.
2. Where their any questions in the survey that you had a challenging time answering or sparked discussion?
The first question that I thought was interesting was question 3, “An argument with my partner doesn’t usually cause me to question my relationship”2. We haven’t really had many arguments in the past year that we have been dating. When we do have arguments, we have agreed to disagree or just flipped a coin. I always try to avoid arguments if necessary.
The last question was “my independence is more important to me than my relationship”2. I was not in a relationship for a very long time, so I figured out how to be independent before I figured out how to be in a relationship. It is weirder for me to be in a relationship than it is to be independent.
3. How do you react when he infringes on your independence?
I do value being independent because, I know that as a future vet I will need to make my own decisions. I need to have confidence in my own decision and opinion. I have to decide where to go for vet school, and where to live. This decision has to be the best for me and no one else. When he does infringe on my independence it honestly is not that bad because, he is in Denver, so there is not much he can do. I sometimes keep things foggy and don’t share everything to maintain my independence. I do that with plans to stay independent and not hurt his feelings.
4. After reading the chapter in Attached1 that explained your attachment style, were you surprised about any traits or characteristics that described your attachment style? Do you disagree with any of them?
I somewhat agree with having deactivating strategies1. With the potential to go to vet school out of the country I often wonder if I should continue trying to have a relationship with him. I also wonder if once I am in vet school if we should continue trying to make this relationship work. I also think about the age gap, and if he is in a different place in his life than I am in mine.
I disagree that I don’t focus on small imperfections1. I notice them but they do not impact my relationship decisions.
The last thing that I agreed on that was mentioned in this chapter was avoiding emotional intimacy1. I do not say I love you. It is very hard and does not come naturally.
5. How can/does knowing Tyler’s and your attachment styles impact your relationship? Can knowing this information help you improve your relationship?
Honestly, I don’t think it does a lot. I think that even if we have different attachment styles, we still have a good relationship. I think especially with our attachment styles it is good that we are long distance. I think if I were around him every day it would be harder to get used too. Long distance allows me to maintain my independence.
In the future I want to gain a secure attachment, but since my life is so up in the air I do not want to form a secure attachment with Tyler until after vet school.
Knowing our own and our partners attachment style is very powerful and can transform our relationship. Though Sophie does not plan on using the knowledge gained about her attachment style to immediately improve her relationship with Tyler, she was able to recognize multiple aspects in her life that are influenced by her attachment style. Influenced by Sophie’s reflection; I plan on transforming my future romantic relationships and friendships by acknowledging when my behavior is a result of my attachment system. I believe that acknowledging our attachment styles will provide us with more intimate and supportive relationships.
1Levine, A., & Heller, R. S. F. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find- and keep- love. Penguin Group.
2Levine, A., & Heller, R. S.F. (2018). Compatibility Quiz. Attached. Retrieved from https://www.attachedthebook.com/wordpress/compatibility-quiz/
Ashlee, this was a very interesting interview! Thanks for sharing. I had some exposure to this content in a class of mine. I scored as an anxious-insecure attachment to my partner. Jarred scored as secure. The funny thing was that before I made him take the quiz, I assumed he was a avoidant-insecure attachment. But after he scored as secure, I realized that it only reaffirmed my own style--anxious. And I was simply viewing him through my own attachment lens. I am a little fearful that he will withdraw, reject, or leave me… so I assumed that he would be avoidant. He in fact, is not withdrawing in nature… so this realization was quite interesting. It was helpful to have this conversation with him. We both grew in our understanding based on our attachment styles. For example, in conflict, I am very assertive, over-communicative, and want to draw closer until the conflict is resolved. This is sometimes overwhelming to Jarred (thus, my suspicion of avoidant). Although we do not have consistent conflict, it was helpful to exchange language of that my "smother" comes from a place of care and desire to fix. It also was helpful for me to realize that I should not behave or engage based on my greatest fears. We were able to grow in trust for each other after further understanding our attachment styles.
ReplyDeleteAshlee, I really enjoyed the interview you did for this blog post attachment. I like how you interviewed a couple for it, as it is so interesting to talk to couples about it because many aren’t aware of what attachment styles are or what they mean. I know this was the case with my current boyfriend, he was really interested when I started talking about the different kinds of attachment styles and where they come from. I loved reading about the insight they had on their attachment styles and how it influenced their relationship. This was a super interesting post, great job on it!
ReplyDeleteHi Ashlee, I loved the way you introduced the topic, the attached compatibility quiz, and how it is different than the AAI. Sophie’s responses to the questions from the quiz really surprised me. She seemed like she valued her independent so much that it almost didn’t make sense for her to be in a relationship. Sophie’s situation reminds me of a friend I have who has been in a long-distance relationship for 5 years. I am always amazed that they are still dating, but after reading Sophie’s response, I wonder if they are still dating because they are long-distance. Maybe they both need their independence and it just works better for them this way. Personally, this is hard for me to understand because long distance seems like it comes with so many challenges. I am impressed when people are able to make it work, and especially if they prefer it.
ReplyDeleteAshlee,
ReplyDeleteYour thoughts and information about this topic and its core relation to attachment. I have been able to learn more over the past few years as a Human Development and Family Studies major about attachment and the ins and outs of attachment formation and then attachment overall in romantic relationships. It is important and really helpful to know the attachment style of your significant other because there is so much information and tools that are known to aid in conversation when there is conflict and overall just learning more about your significant other. The interview answers were helpful in learning more about how knowing ones attachment style as well as knowing ones significant others attachment style can impact ones relationship.
This post had my interest from the first sentence. I have always wanted to concretely find out my attachment style in relationships, rather than with my parents. I think a lot of my attachment style is due to my parents, however. I am technically in a long distance relationship right now, and the reason I say technically is because I live in Fort Collins, while he lives in Denver, so I still get to see him pretty often. I resonated with the part of your post talking about anxious attachment styles in that I definitely seek closeness with my partner and it does consume me when I am not. I frequently worry about the things he is doing when I am not with him, even though he has never given me any reason to feel this way. I also think another reason why I tend to be the worrier, is because he is so secure. As someone who is so easy going and anxiety free, I don’t think his mind runs at a million miles per hour like mine does, which I think also makes my anxiety higher. We rarely argue, like one of the questions in the quiz asked, and I too, like your friend, try to avoid arguments at all costs because of my fear of losing him. I now know I need to work on having a more secure attachment which will help lower my levels of anxiety.
ReplyDeleteI have always been a bit weary about questionnaires that seem to give all the answers based on some options that sometimes do not cover everything that they should. I understand this attachment survey is based on actual theory, but I did not identify myself or my partner with some of the questions. I understand that everyone’s experience with their partner and their relationships can be unique, reason why I consider that some of these questionnaires need additional aids to be able to be interpreted. Nevertheless, I do appreciate the perspective these questions gave me, since I was able to compare our relationship transformation throughout the last ten years.
ReplyDeleteI agree it is beneficial and important to acknowledge not only my romantic partner’s attachment style but also my own because it gives information about one another that can be used throughout the entire relationship. When we connect towards someone for romance, there are concepts you mentioned that influences codependence or independence based on attachment styles. Since I have an anxious attachment, I need to be close and be reassured if my partner does not reciprocate or value my intentions. Compared with your results, I am attracted to avoidant partners because they do not give me more anxiety until I need to be close to them. Over all, these findings can help manifest positive attributes in our relationships.
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