Despite me being okay with this season of singleness, I was curious about individuals that want to be in a relationship but are currently single. I have friends that are always in a relationship or going on dates, but I also have friends that have only been on a handful of dates since high school. I was curious about how our attachment styles impact our self-efficacy in relationship formation. For this blog I interviewed a very sweet friend of mine, Anna. She has not been in a committed relationship before. When asked about her confidence in initiating, developing and maintaining a relationship her response was as follows:
“Obviously, I am not very good at initiating a romantic relationship. If I was in a relationship, I feel like I would be scared the whole time that I couldn’t maintain it. I would be afraid that he would leave me. The fear of rejection is the main thing that I believe stops me from pursuing romantic relationships.”
When we have an insecure attachment, we may frequently doubt our ability to be successful in tasks, especially during social interactions1. We might even feel unqualified to be in a romantic relationship. When we have insecurities, we do not jump headfirst into situations where our insecurities could become obvious. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: individuals with an insecure attachment have a lower sense of efficacy which then negatively influences their ability to engage in romantic relationships1. Anna agreed and said that she is not confident in her ability to have a relationship and is afraid to seek them out even though she wishes to pursue one. Our confidence in our own ability has a major impact on what we pursue, and this can especially be seen in our pursuit of a dating relationship.
Our caregivers have a much greater impact on our relationship formation than I had previously believed. Their interactions with each other, and with us while we were children provide us with a representation of what relationships should look like2. Anna stated during her interview that her parent’s relationship provided her with an idea of what she wants her future relationships to look like. She mentioned that despite her challenging relationship with her parents during childhood, she now has a greater appreciation of her parents’ marriage and parenting style.
“My parents have a huge impact on my current view of dating relationship. My parents love each other so much. They’re good at very different things but that makes them a good team. I don’t think that they love each other any less than they did on their wedding day. I strive to be as in love as they are and parent as they did. My parents are absolutely amazing. Another way they have impacted my current view is that they met when they were older. I know that the right time will come, and I can wait as long as I need. I am not in a rush to find my future husband.”
The representation that we form greatly depend on the warmth, and responsiveness our parents provided us2. Due to this representation individuals who have an insecure attachment style have been shown to experience increased difficultly forming intimate relationships compared to individuals with a secure attachment style. It is interesting that we internalize our parent’s interactions with us and then use that as a model for, potentially, all of our future relationships2.
I find it fascinating that our attachment style impacts our relationship self-efficacy and psychosocial development. Our relationships with our caregivers during childhood have such a far-reaching impact that I had not previously considered. I believe that this blog emphasizes the important of evaluating our own intentions and ideals concerning romantic relationships. Whether you are staying single or finding a new boo this cuffing season, reflection can be powerful tool to improve the initiation, development, and maintenance of relationships.
1Cnossen, F. S., Harman, K. A., & Butterworth, R. (2019). Attachment, efficacy beliefs and relationships satisfaction in dating, emerging adult women. Journal of Relationships Research 10(19), 1-9. doi: 10.1017/jrr.2019.14
2Kumar, S. M., & Mattanah, J. F. (2016). Parental attachment, romantic competence, relationship satisfaction, and psychosocial adjustment in emerging adulthood. Personal Relationships, 23, 801-817. doi: 10.1111/pere.12161
I really enjoyed this post! There is a lot of pressure to be romantically involved with someone in the winter and spring, but once summer comes around, it is not popular to be in a relationship. This can really stress out a person looking for a relationship. As you mentioned it is important to understand our own wants and intentions prior to diving into "cuffing season." The relationships of guardians most definitely has an impact on the way we see relationships, because it is all we are familiar with. This can be both a good and bad thing depending on how your guardians relationship was, as well as if it aligns with what you need personally in a relationship.
ReplyDeleteI found this post very interesting as I am a person who is now going on my third year in a relationship. This post is opposite of what I am yet I agreed with everything you said. I liked hearing about your friend Annas attachment style and her view on relationships. I would say I personally have a secure attachment style and am in a relationship where as she is single and has an insecure attachment style. This is interesting to me because I wonder what creates this attachment style. Often times it is our parents and how there relationship went. But my parents like Anna's are very in love so we do have a positive idea of relationships. I know that one of the main factors of insecure attachment can be caused by divorce.
ReplyDeleteI also want to point out how crazy it is that our society has made it so that based on what season it is, is also when you want to be single or taken. Its funny how in summer its the "vibe" to be single. Or how winter the "vibe" is "cuffing season" so in a relationship. These seasons do affect our emotions and views on relationships. The power of society is crazy.
Thank you for sharing this post! I enjoyed it very much!
This post made me realize that a lot of people's views and attachment style in relationship is super influenced by social media. Phrases such as "hot girl summer" and "cuffing season" give a timeline that influences a lot of relationships in today's society. It goes to show the power the society and social media has on romantic relationships. I also find it interesting, as mentioned by the blog post, that social media and society also sets high expectations for relationships which usually ends badly and it leads to people having an insecure attachment style because of those expectations. I think it's interesting that the author also mentions how a lot of the times people's relationship with their parents has a big effect on their relationship with future romantic partners, which is a point that I truly believe.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this blog on secure attachment, because many people spend a large portion of their lives trying to find it somewhere. But I strongly agree that secure attachments do not just happen, they have to be worked on and developed over time and through experiences. A lot goes into establishing a secure attachment, but arguably the most important piece to it is working with intention. On both sides of the relationship the individuals need to be secure with themselves first before they can be truly secure with another person. I feel this is what people get confused the most, and why a lot of relationships especially with young adults do not last for extended amounts of time very often.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this blog about attachemnt styles and how they effect our relationships. I never realized how much of an influence our caregivers have on our outlook on relationships because of how we modeled thier realtionship. I think this is interesting as i never considered how much I have used my parents relationshsip as an example of what mt expectations are for my realtionships and how this can determine my attachment style. This makes sense as moxt of what we are exposed to as kids carry on into our adult life including our views on romantic relationships.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this article because it is giving you the steps you need to take so one can have a secure attachment. I grew up not having a secure attachment and when I look at people who have it, in always wondered what it felt like. My favorite part of the article was when it send to surround yourself with people who have a secure attachment. I never thought of it like the at but I do realize that when people want to change, they surround themselves with the people they want to be like. You start acting like those who are around you whether that he in a negative way or a positive. We learned about this in class and it is something that I will forever remember because it is great knowledge to have. Thank you for writing this article.
ReplyDeleteI loved this post, it was really interesting to consider how societal pressures to date change depending on the time of year, as I had never considered that much before! I found it especially interesting, because I started dating someone as winter approached this year, as did many of my close friends. I wonder how much society’s encouragement of cuffing season, as opposed to hot girl or boy summer, has impacted my own decision making. As someone who also finds attachment theory fascinating, I loved the discussion on how insecure attachment can lead to an individual doubting their success in social interactions. It is crazy to think how much our caregivers have shaped our lives today!
ReplyDeleteAshlee, I very much enjoyed this blog post, but admittedly had to look on “Urban Dictionary” to find out what in the world cuffing season was. Haha! I like what you mentioned about insecurities and dating becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy! I had been single for a whopping 9 years since middle school, and as a 21-year-old gal with a particular dry season in the dating world, my insecurities only continued to grow. I thought that since I hadn’t been “seen” or considered “noteworthy” by an interested man in such a long time, that I would never find a romantic partner. I stopped putting myself out there, became quite cynical about men (they became the problem, not me…), and spiraled into greater insecurity, riddled in protective mechanisms. I now have been in a caring relationship for over a year! Wahoo! I, like Anna, am grateful to have parents that are madly in love with each other and modelled a fulfilling relationship and marriage. I feel thankful for the ways that my secure attachment style enables me to (eventually) open up and risk romantically!
ReplyDeleteHello Ashlee, I really liked reading your blog post about attachment style and relationship formation and I thought it was really interesting. Your friend Anna reminds me a lot of my friend Emma. She too has an insecure attachment and has never been in a committed relationship. She has two parents who are very loving just like your friend Anna’s. My friend Emma is also constantly asked by family if she is going to get a boyfriend. I believe Emma has not been in a relationship due to her attachment style. Thank you for your insightful post, I found it very interesting to read.
ReplyDeleteHello Ashlee, I thought this was blog post was a really creative way to talk about attachment style and relationship formation. I'm also sorry that you get comments about why your not in a relationship, I know how annoying those can be. Almost all my friends are in very long term committed relationships, everyone one of my best friends from high school recently got married to her high school sweet heart. So I couldn't really relate any of my friends to Anna but I was it was interesting to hear her prospective on why she stays single. However, I could personally relate to Anna with her explaining her parents relationship. I am incredibly lucky to have parents that have been married for 38 years now and I was grateful to see the love and respect for each other that they have constantly when I was growing up and it made me feel very open for finding a love like that. This was a great post! Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHi Ashlee!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your post. I feel that I can relate, as also being single, I often hear those same questions come up at the dinner table whenever I am in town visiting, or at the holidays. A lot of the time, it also consists of my Grandma and Mom trying to craft a plan to set me up with someone, or my Mom and Grandma getting the rest of my family to talk about me needing to go on dates. I know that my Mom Grandma both care, and sometimes the conversations turn into more jokes than seriousness but I also relate with being okay being single. Of course, I would love the opportunity to have the opportunity to be in a serious relationship, as I feel that the reason that I am in a period of singleness is to grow as a person, but also learn what I aspire to find in a relationship with a guy. I really like your insight on insecure attachment/other styles of attachment and how they correspond to our relationships. I agree having insecure attachment causes those to feel less confident in themselves, leading to a lot of fears with being in a committed serious relationship.
Ashlee, I thought your post on creating relationships and our attachment styles was very interesting. I enjoyed reading the input you got from those you interviewed and the information that you provided. I know for me personally; I have had difficulties maintain relationships because of the anxiety that I face once I’m in relationships. I also think it would be an interesting idea to include how attachment formation can change over time due to experience. Although attachment styles can begin in infancy, they can change throughout life based on the events and relationships that are created. I loved this post, great job with it!
ReplyDeleteHi Ashlee! This post was super intriguing and I felt like you did a great job pulling me in and getting me interested in this topic. I thought that your interview with Anna was especially interesting because of her awareness of her situation and the fact that her parents were still so in love with each other. I feel like a lot of the time, people with parents who are still in loving, committed relationships to each other are also in relationships. I found it surprising that Anna was not, but I also loved the way that she wasn’t in a rush, and how she mentioned that the right time would come. Personally, I related to that statement a lot because I wasn’t in a rush either, things just happened. Even more interestingly, my parents are divorced and have been separated for over 10 years. Because of this, I found it really interesting that I held that same belief as Anna.
ReplyDelete^I meant to include my name in this post!
DeleteI think that it is very important for people to realize that not everybody is seeking a relationship. Often in college, and especially towards the end, it seems as though family and friends are always Asking about potential partners. Many people find their partner in college, getting married soon after. I know for my sister, she has felt a lot of pressure to settle down and find a partner. She graduated college about three years ago and has had a few relationships, but nothing has stuck.Although she sometimes feels pressure, I know that she is not in a rush to get into a relationship, as she has seen my parents relationship, and does not want to settle for less than she deserves.
ReplyDeleteHi Ashlee, I really enjoyed this blog post! I appreciated your sense of humor throughout the post because it can be a hard topic to talk about. I am also like you, my family loves to ask question and my relationship status or if I am involved with anyone. This holiday season will be the first one in a while where I actually am in a relationship and don’t have to have the awkwardness of saying no to their questions and moving on. I can make you feel really sad to receive those question. I can tell you put a lot of hard work into this post, and it showed! You did a great job, thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThis post made me think a lot about my best friend. She had a less than desirable childhood where she felt abandoned by her mother and as a result has an avoidant attachment style. For the ten years that I have known her, she has not had a romantic relationship that has lasted much more than a year. She struggles a lot to initiate anything in a relationship (similar to your friend, Anna). This blog post leads me to think that maybe the reason she is afraid of initiating a relationship is because of her avoidant attachment style. She is likely afraid to be vulnerable in attempt to protect herself from feeling abandoned again.
ReplyDeleteThis post was really enjoyable to read, and it made me think a lot about my friend. She has never been in a committed relationship, just like your friend Anna, and I think it is because she doubts that she has the skills to maintain a relationship as well. She has never been the type to go on dates either, I think she just doesn't pursue anything because she is also so busy with everything. Her parents are also still very in love, and can act as a standard that many strive for. It was interesting to think about her while I was reading this. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHi there! I really enjoyed reading your post! I think attachment style can be attached to just about anything that happens in our lives. I have been in a committed relationship since my senior year of high school and now I am a few months away from graduation college. We have been through a lot together and he is my best friend. When we started dating I had no idea about attachment styles or any theories regarding relationships for that matter. Now I have learned a lot about it and I retroactively over-analyze my relationship quite often. I have more of an anxious attachment style and I think my boyfriend did too when we first started dating. We were obsessed with each other and we would hang out all the time during our senior year. It was fun and harmless and we grew so much together. After being together for one year we started to "chill out" a bit more with how crazy we were about each other. We have grown up together and raised our relationship to be what it is today. I think our attachment styles have both ebbed and flowed through the years and sometimes we still struggle to find the groove that it right for us. Our relationship is still forming, just like our attachment styles are. I think we have to confront our insecurities and find someone who challenges them in a comfortable and fun way. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this blog! Your interview with your friend Anna made me realize how often I compare my relationships to the relationship that my parents have. They support each other through everything and that is something that i look for in my own relationships. I could see how my attachment to parents has shaped my own attachment style with others. Although I have a secure attachment style, I too find myself wanting to find someone during cuffing season to spend my time with but would never initiate anything romantic.
ReplyDeleteMy attachment style is mainly anxious, and it has stood in my way in the past for sure. However, after a 3–5-year relationship with a previous boyfriend (super on again off again situation) the relationship formation that I experienced with my current boyfriend was something I had never experienced before. I have always been the person who wanted to be in a relationship, to have the closeness that we all crave from those romantic relationships with another person. With my current relationship I found that coming into it I was very cautious and almost avoidant due to how the last relationship was and how it ended. My parents didn’t like him, nor did most of my friends, which made it incredibly difficult. Though they may have been right I refused to see it and continued to push through. When through with is relationship, I put an incredible amount of stress on making sure that the next guy I brought home being someone that my family LOVED. I was single for a while but then was set up with my current boyfriend by my best friend and his cousin. We dated casually but exclusively for a few months; he had asked me to officially be in a relationship, but I put it off a few times before actually deciding that I wanted to. When looking back on why I did that it was because I was afraid that my family wouldn’t like him as much as I did (which was crazy he’s fabulous) and I couldn’t stand that kind of stress and rejection again. That is where my anxious attachment really came into play, but I overcame it and introduced him to my family. They did and still do LOVE him which has helped shift my attachment from a less anxious stance. Despite my ability to form intimate relationships with success, having an insecure attachment style has made it harder regardless of how. Being so family oriented my problem was with my fear of my family rejecting him, when really it was my ability to form attachments is fairly easy. Reading this post gave me some comfort knowing that this is something that more people go through regardless of the individuality of each experience. Thanks for posting!
ReplyDeleteGrowing up, I did not have a healthy or positive representation of what a stable relationship should look like. My parents were separated by the time I was two and for years after that, I was involved in severe triangulation as I was frequently put in the middle of their arguments and forced to take sides. Aside from this, when my parents got into new relationships, they were also very toxic and damaging. I remember that both of my parents’ partners would belittle me and caused me to fear them. Now that I am much older and am able to reflect on these experiences, I realize how they have impacted my attachment style. I am very anxious and avoidant in different ways. For instance, I am very fearful of being abandoned and often I am excessively clingy. On the other hand, I have been afraid of commitment for a long time and only recently have become open to the idea of one day getting marriage. However, I now know that these experiences will make me stronger, and I will one day break this generational trauma by maintaining a positive relationship between my future partner and I.
ReplyDeleteThe way that we attach to our caregivers from infancy all the way through adolescence definitely has an impact on our relationships in adulthood. Building that attachment early on affects how we view others, as well as how we think others perceive us (like our trust, self-worth, ability to ask for help from others, etc.). For example, I always felt securely attached to my mom. Creating this relationship early on has led to me knowing that I have someone I can reach out to, I can lend loyal support to others when needed, and I am lucky enough to have such positive relationships with people in my life.
ReplyDeleteBack when I was single, I remember everyone from friends to family asking me why I am single. For the longest time I kept telling everyone that I wanted to focus on school, but in all reality, I was scared to get attached to someone and then have that person leave due to not being enough for them. 6 years later I said yes to dating my partner on a whim after seeing him in person for only two days and I am in the most loving relationship that I have ever been in my life. I don’t feel like he will leave me because of all the communication that we have with one another. His secure attachment style is matched perfectly with my anxious attachment style.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this post because I think it brings a calling to reflect on your beliefs about relationships. I personally do not look to my parents for what a relationship looks like, but I think I am figuring it out as I go. I think that hearing about Anna’s experience with her insecure attachment style is relevant to everyone, even those without the same attachment style. I think a large contributing factor is social media. People we follow post the pretty parts of their relationships and that creates expectations for those watching when it comes to what their personal relationship should look like. I think this can especially affect adolescents because of their yearning of independence from their parents, they could look to social media for relationship dos and don'ts.
ReplyDeleteThis one was an interesting one for me to read. I felt that it really resonated with things that I struggle with in my daily life. I have lots of insecurities in my relationships with other people. I fear not being enough or sometimes even being too much. I am a very sensitive person. I find myself overthinking a lot and worrying about things that are out of my control. I think about how people might not like this about me when it is not something I can change and I have to remember this. This does not make me any less qualified to have these life changing friendships.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your blog post. This was very interesting to read and learn about. I like that you specifically pointed out the relationships that a child has with their parents and their importance of it. I also like how you connected it to being in a romantic relationship. I have found that my attachment style with my parents definitely influences how I go about navigating romantic relationships. I like how you included two different parts of the interview in order to get the full picture of Anna’s attachment style. I find it very interesting how our attachment styles influence so many aspects of our lives.
ReplyDeleteAshlee, I really enjoyed reading your post about emotional availability. You mention that you have a strong curiosity for the people around us who are single but want to be in a relationship. My roommate and best friend is struggling with this issue right now and it is interesting to compare our attachment styles in reflection with our dating life. My friend has an insecure attachment style so she sometimes feels that she isn;t adequate enough to be a good girlfriend which is so sad to see. On the other hand, I have an anxious attachment style and show different behaviors and fears within dating.
ReplyDeleteIt Is relatable for family members, more so during the holidays, to be curious about current relationships statuses or how it is going with current romantic individuals which doesn’t have to be a label. I agree there are evasive questions circulating around relationship formation and why family members are pressuring for answers. This is a time of comparing others’ patterns of romantic findings to our own which also brings up attachment styles. I also have an insecure attachment and it affects how I find romantic partners or why I fail to pursue them. The formation idealizes and my beliefs standardizes what I want and this is a great concept the blog included.
ReplyDeleteThe relationship between our parents has a significant impact on the partners we seek out, relationship quality, and our attachment. When I look back at partners that I have chosen in the past I see this and when I reflect on the feelings I hold within my own relationship I find this to be especially true. My parents are getting divorced and this isn’t coming out of nowhere as their relationship has been incredibly rocky throughout most of my life. I often worry about my relationship with my partner because of this. I worry about divorcing a partner that I possibly share children with later in life and not being able to start all over with someone new. I also worry about falling out of love, which was painful to watch my parents go through. I feel like these are realistic worries but they are without a doubt being driven by my parent’s choices, lives, and relationships.
ReplyDeleteIt's very relatable to feel the need to be in a relationship, especially when those around you seem to always be in one. Although this hasn't happened to me... yet, it has for some of my close friends. One of them consistently complains about his relationship status, especially when his father is always on his back and telling him to "get out there." Interestingly, he exhibits several characteristics of insecure attachment styles, which align with the essay's observation that such attachment patterns can lead to self-doubt and hinder confidence in romantic capabilities.
ReplyDeleteHis relationships also mirror those of Anna in the essay, which is so interesting considering how different they are, yet so similar in their challenges. I'm curious to see if he'll keep showing these similarities or if his environment will change him once more, especially now that he is in college and away from the familiar.