When I find myself stumbling into a new relationship,
or even in the not-so-long-long-term relationships I’ve had, I realize that it
is so easy for me to become jealous. I also find that it is usually pretty easy
to make my partners jealous when I feel like I am not getting the attention I
deserve (this is probably very unhealthy, so please don’t follow my lead). I
tell myself over and over to not be jealous, but it always seems to be
something that as hard as I try, I can’t seem to block that emotion out. I’ve
always thought a reasonable amount of jealousy is healthy, because then the
person I am with knows I care about them—and vise versa. But, why do some
people get more jealous than others? What is the reason behind it?
I thought it would be interesting to see if certain
attachment styles were associated with different levels of jealousy. As
discussed in previous posts, there are three main types of attachment: secure,
insecure-avoidant, and insecure-ambivalent. Jealousy is a normal human emotion
that everyone typically experiences. However, securely attached people tend to
report that it does not get in the way of their everyday lives with their
partner or affect them as much as insecurely attached people (Güçlü et.al,
2017). I personally find comfort in knowing that feeling jealous with a partner
is normal and even people who are secure in their relationships experience
jealousy.
Research shows that different attachment styles show
jealousy in relationships in different ways. Although insecure-avoidant people
tend to come across as uncaring, or indifferent about relationships, they also
experience jealousy. Research shows that typically when an insecure-avoidant
person becomes jealous, they will often use coping strategies like denial to
avoid jealous feelings in a relationship (Güçlü et. al, 2017). This can come
across as dismissive and even heartless to a partner. Insecure-anxious people
on the other hand deal with jealousy in a more aggressive way. Insecure-anxious
people tend to express jealousy with things like anger, intrusiveness, and
control over partner’s behaviors (Güçlü et. al, 2017). This can push a partner away
and damage trust between a couple.
I asked one of my friends who identifies as having an
insecure-anxious type of attachment if there were any times that she let her
jealousy get the best of her and this is how she responded:
“When
I was in early college, I was really jealous of a girl who was friends with my
then-boyfriend. I would always ask him about her and get angry and tell him I
didn’t believe him when he told me she was just a friend. I would always get
into my own head and I would stalk them both on social media searching for something
that really, I was just making up in my head. My jealousy (along with many
other factors and toxic things in our relationship) ultimately led to our
relationship ending.”
Although this may sound extreme to some people and it
may be hard for us to understand how someone could become so jealous, knowing
that certain attachment styles may lead us to act in certain ways when we are
jealous can offer some comfort.
So, what should we do when we feel that pang of
jealousy? Start by normalizing your own jealousy, as well as your partner’s—recognize
that this is just a part of life! Next, take a deep breath and resist the urge
to attack, withdraw, or punish. Try to be open with your partner about how you’re
feeling, even if it makes you feel ashamed or embarrassed. If you’re in a
long-term relationship and have some doubts, ask your partner for reassurance
in a calm manner, without demanding it.
Next time you find yourself responding to feelings of
jealousy in ways that you feel like you normally wouldn’t, take a step back and
use the time to reflect on how your attachment may influence your choices. We
aren’t crazy, we’re only human.
Güçlü,
O., Şenormancı, Ö., Şenormancı, G., & Köktürk, F. (2017). Gender
differences in romantic jealousy and attachment styles. Psychiatry and
Clinical Psychopharmacology, 27(4), 359–365.
https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1080/24750573.2017.1367554
Hi Molly! I wanted to let you know that I found this blog entry very interesting. I would to would like to know whether or not jealousy is more or less likely to occur according to one's attachment style. Personally, I believe that it mostly has to deal with the attachment style that you have with your partner and the insecurities that an individual has. In my personal experience, in my relationship, I did not get jealous. Although I had a secure attachment with my parents growing up, I believe this was due to the fact that I was secure in my relationship with my boyfriend. Another example of this was my mom and dad in the beginning of my parents relationship. My mom had an insecure-anxious attachment with her parents but did not become jealous at any point in her relationship with my dad. On the other hand, my dad had a secure attachment with his parents but was jealous at times, even though my parents had a secure relationship.
ReplyDeleteMolly, I really enjoyed your blog post. I found it very informative and easy to follow and understand! I can relate to this because I have a friend whose boyfriend gets jealous very easily. She has had to learn how to assure him in those aspects. I think for her realizing what jealousy looks like for him and noticing when he gets the most jealous has helped. Knowing that she is able to comfort him the best way she can. I think its very important for the individual who gets jealous to understand what makes them to most jealous and how they show their jealousy. From that they should communicate that to their partner so they can work though it together.
ReplyDeleteMolly, I found your thoughts on jealousy in this blog to be really interesting. I also am led to believe that insecurities and jealousy in couple relationships could be related to attachment styles. In my relationship, my boyfriend tends to have an insecure-anxious attachment and easily displays jealousy. On the other hand, I find myself to have more of an anxious-avoidant type of attachment, which sometimes looks as if I don't care as much as him. This can cause other insecurities, but especially jealousy. However, when my partner and I express each other's bits of jealousy, I believe it can talked through in a healthy way. I agree that this is a normal part of life and being open is the best way to deal with it. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteHi Molly, I really enjoyed your post! I have often experienced jealousy with my current boyfriend because he has a couple close friends who are female, and even briefly dated a few of them, long before I came into the picture. I have self-identified as having some insecure-anxious tendencies, and it's true, I do tend to get angry when I feel jealous, just as the research you cited suggests. I think it's interesting that, if the root of jealousy is the fear of abandonment or lost connection, we all express it different ways. I do find that asking for reassurance has been the most helpful thing when I've felt jealous. I think the topic of your post is very relevant, and very insightful. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteThis is such an interesting take on jealousy in relationships and thank you for sharing your friends experiences regarding the topic. I would agree that there are so many factors that go into feeling jealousy whether it is insecurities, baggage from past romantic relationships, as well as what you mentioned about ones attachment style. Personally I identify with a secure attachment style but can lean towards being avoidant when I feel insecure in the relationship. This avoidance can turn into not bringing up these insecurities which can spiral into so many other problems into a relationship. Realizing this in myself, I have been able to do more reflecting and understanding what triggers insecurities and whatnot. I would love to understand how different combinations of partners attachment styles contribute to jealousy.
ReplyDeleteThis was such an interesting article to read. I often experience jealously but I try my best to not let it get the best of me. I think it is important to realize that everyone experiences jealousy and it how we handle it matters. It is interesting to read how different attachment styles deal with jealously differently. I have been in relationships with both an insecure-anxious and insecure-avoidant individual. Having a partner who is insecure-anxious can make an individual feel bad about themselves and my first relationship was with someone who was insecure-anxious. I found that in this relationship I was always saying sorry for things I was wrongfully accused of. This relationship quickly ended as everything I was being accused of was the things my partner was doing. The next relationship I was in was with an individual who fits the insecure avoidant type of jealously. In this relationship I found I was always feeling uncared for as he never showed jealously. When he did feel jealous instead of telling me he would avoid me and not talk to me. This sent me mixed signals and I was often confused about what he was mad about. I agree with your post I think jealously is a natural human emotion but I think it is important to handle it in a calm matter. In a relationship a partner should know how your feeling. I think being told all my life that jealously is unattractive has made me not talk about the ways I am feeling. Thank you for sharing your views on jealously. I would love to hear the different attachment styles and how those individuals view jealously so I can compare with how I handle jealously.
ReplyDeleteHi Molly! Thank you for sharing this – I think it can be difficult to be vulnerable and admit our own difficulties in relationships! I think this was really interesting to read but left me with some questions! I tend to think of myself as insecure-anxious in my relationships. I experience high levels of intense jealousy, but I tend to internalize those thoughts and feelings and do not take it out on my partner, so I am not sure where that fits in with different attachment styles! I will have to do some more research. I love that you ended the post with urging us to normalize jealousy. I think it is a very stigmatized feeling or emotion and it is important to remember that it does not mean we are crazy and that it is all related to our experiences and attachment styles. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHI Molly!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this post, thank you for sharing it. Reflecting back on my own relationships, some toxic, some not, I realize that I too found it easy to make my partner jealous when I felt aI wasn't getting enough attention. I knew this was unhealthy, as I should have just asked for reassurance in the first place. I have also noticed that in my unhealthy relationship, my boyfriend didn't pay much attention at all, and was caught lying multiple times, this only multiplied my jealousy by 100! Everytime he would be around any girl, I think my anxiety combined with my jealousy was extensive. I love how you said that when you are having feelings of jealousy to take a step back and ask for reassurance, and reflect on your own attachment, however, I also think it is important to maybe consider why you are having such intense jealousy issues and feelings? Could it be the way your partner is making you feel? How they treat you/what they say? If so, its possible the relationship is unhealthy and not for you, and your jealous issues may not be like this in a healthy relationship.
Hi Molly!
ReplyDeleteI loved reading your post and can relate! In regard to my own life, I am also a very jealous person, but I think it comes more from trust issues within relationships, rather than my attachment style. I would consider my attachment style to be secure, but have had untrustworthy experiences with previous relationships that I blame for my jealousy. Loyalty is the most obvious trait you must trust in a relationship, but for me, I had one partner that was extremely unloyal, and the trauma I have from it sometimes reflects in my current relationship, although there is no reason for it to show. I agree that attachment style has a great impact of how you act in a relationship, and there are many many factors that can contribute as well.
Thank you for sharing again!
Hi Molly!
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading your blog about how people with different attachment styles respond and show jealousy it made a lot of sense that those who do not have secure attachments such as insecure-avoidant, may disregard the feelings of jealousy and act dismissive or as though they do not care towards their partner. In my personal experience, my most previous boyfriend would never act jealous and though I never wanted him to feel jealous or upset in any way I found it weird that he showed no reactions when other men would reach out to me. I would get upset with myself for being mad that he wasn’t jealous and that when other women would pay him attention I would get jealous. Your blog post gave me a new perspective of this situation and made me realize I was not wrong to feel off-put by that behavior.
Molly, you have made jealousy in relationships more clear to me. It makes so much sense how those who do not have a secure attachment, disregard their emotions about being prideful or jealous. In my own personal experience, my friend was dating this guy who was extremely jealous and she never understood why. His parents were very uninvolved in his life and he did not ever get much attention growing up. After reading this, it makes more sense as to how and why he acted the way he did. Not saying that all those who have a secure attachment never get jealous, but those who do not have secure attachment also lack the important things in life that are needed to create a healthy and less jealous mindset.
ReplyDeleteAs I was reading this blog post, I realized that I was able to relate to feeling jealous in a relationship. I never really thought about how attachment styles could affect jealously as I believe it is normal for partners to experience jealously at one point during the relationship. It was interesting reading how insecure-anxious individuals may express more anger where insecure-avoidant individuals demonstrate denial. This shows how every form of jealously may come off different which is why communication in a relationship is crucial. In a previous relationship, I noticed that I constantly felt jealous where in other relationships I trusted my partner. This blog allowed me to evaluate my past relationships and understand how attachment styles influence feelings of jealously.
ReplyDeleteHi Molly,
ReplyDeleteI agree that jealousy is normal in relationships, but I also agree that different attachment styles contribute to how some people get more jealous than others. You stated that insecure-avoidant people tend to come across as uncaring but also experience jealousy. I have seen this through my past romantic relationship. I came across as not caring and often lacked effort in my relationship even though I would find myself getting jealous in certain situations. It is a topic that is hard to understand as we all get jealous in different ways and forms. I do believe that our attachment styles have a lot to do with how we react to jealousy and even how we show emotions in a relationship.
Hi Molly,
ReplyDeleteI thought this post was really interesting to read and also helpful. I sometimes get jealous myself and would say it's definitely one of my toxic traits so it was nice to hear I'm not the only one and people do get jealous in relationships and there are ways to overcome it. I'm in a long-term relationship so I don't get as jealous anymore but it does still affect me and I take a step back and think about it before acting out. I'm also able to get reassurance from my partner which always helps and calms my nerves. Thanks for sharing!
Hi Molly! This post reminded me of being 15 again! I haven’t begun a new relationship in a long… time but when I was, I was such the jealous person. It is interesting that different attachment styles can predict weather you’re the jealous type in a relationship or not. Knowing myself and my attachment it is interesting that I find myself feeling jealous. When I am I find myself pushing the person away because I hate feeling feelings. I guess that is what an avoidant person does, isn’t it? Like you said we are only human, and we must think deeper about the reasons we are feeling certain feelings no matter how uncomfortable to feelings are. - Ashley Hildreth
ReplyDeleteThis was an interesting topic to read about, and I am not ashamed to say that I have felt similar emotions in some of my romantic relationships in the past as well. I agree that jealousy can be extremely hard to block out, although through learning different lessons within my own experiences, given the mutual communication and honesty in the relationship, I think that even those with varying attachment styles can maintain stable relationships. Alongside her friend’s attachment style, I can also identify with having an insecure-anxious type. Since at multiple times throughout my childhood and life overall, I was not able to gain the reassurance that I required from my caregivers at times; this is particularly why it is extremely important to me in all my close relationships now as an adult.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your post I consider myself to have an insecure-avoidant attachment style. When I was in previous relationships, I tried to hide my jealousy because I didn’t want my partner to think that I was overreacting. I also thought that it was dumb of me to be jealous because I was already the one in the relationship and not the other girls. I also think that there was a downfall to me trying to hide my jealousy because my boyfriends used to tell me that I didn’t love them because I didn’t show any jealousy. I think at the end of the day it depends on the connection you have with your significant other and if they really understand your attachment style.
ReplyDeleteI have always kind of been a jealous person and it has gotten better with time and maturity, but sometimes I still can’t help my feelings/emotions! Jealousy is a normal human emotion that everyone experiences. I do also believe that some people express/experience jealousy more commonly than others. I feel sometimes as if I even tend to show more jealous emotions than my friends do in similar situations. I related to your friend when she was explaining her situation of becoming jealous of a girl who was friends with her now ex-boyfriend. I do believe that to a certain extent that a significant others’ attachment relationship can affect the way that they deal with things in a relationship and can cause more jealous tendencies. Jealousy happens and its normal and I think that’s a good thing to remember, but its’s how you deal with it is what matters!
ReplyDeleteJealousy is such a complicated topic for a lot of people. I also thought it was healthy to have a little bit of jealousy in every relationship, it means you like your significant other. I feel like it would make sense for someone to be jealous when their significant other is getting along with other people. I am not a very jealous person, but I sometimes find the feeling creeping through me when I see my boyfriend laughing at other women’s jokes and generally getting along with them. I like to think I have a secure attachment style, but it does lean a little bit on the anxious side. Before this class, I never realized how much attachment style plays into almost every single part of life and how people interact with each other.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this blog, I found it very interesting how jealousy is projected differently in relationships. Especially in relation to attachment styles, I am more curious about how jealousy in a relationship may look different between each partner. I relate to this in my own life because I often find myself occasionally getting jealous in my current relationship with my boyfriend. I have a more insecure attachment style and struggle in moments to find trust when my other feelings get in the way. I think it is interesting to compare how we both deal with jealousy because my boyfriend has a more secure attachment style. Overall, I really enjoyed this blog post and finding parallels within my own life. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHi Molly
ReplyDeleteYour blog regarding different forms of jealousy and how they are expressed made sense to me as I read how those without secure attachments, such as insecure-avoidant types, may disregard jealousy and show disregard for their partners. Insecurities from past romantic relationships, or attachment styles are the reasons why one feels jealous due to these factors. I have a secure attachment style when I'm in a relationship, but when I'm insecure in a relationship, I may avoid getting into it. I appreciate that you gave me a new way to look at this, and it helped me understand that the way I think is not wrong and I shouldn't feel offended. Thank you for sharing your friends' experiences regarding jealousy in relationships, which offers a unique perspective on this topic.
When it comes to my own feelings of jealousy, whether it be in a romantic relationship or a friendship, I think it really depends on how close I am with that person. There have been a couple romantic relationships and friendships where I have not been jealous, but many where I have been. In the instances where I haven’t been jealous, I think it is because I didn’t consider myself to be close with that person, where there were many things I would keep to myself. For those that I felt closest to, where I shared so much about myself I hadn’t with others, I would get jealous and upset very often. Although I know that it is normal to feel that way, it would make it hard to focus on getting work done and listening to their reasoning behind the actions that made me jealous. What I have found to work in my current romantic relationship is to be open with all that is going on and to have the feelings validated. For example, there was a girl that was constantly asking my boyfriend intimate details about our relationships that I was uncomfortable with, getting jealous when he told her that he loved me before he ever said it to me. I was so jealous and upset that I was yelling and crying, saying hurtful things. Rather than playing into my jealousy, my boyfriend was calm and said he understood my feelings and asked the girl to stop asking for such personal details of our relationships. This has made me trust in him more, feeling less jealous over the little things.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who has an anxious attachment style in romantic relationships I don’t feel like I experience a lot of jealousy. Looking back at the beginning of my current relationship I definitely exhibited more jealous tendencies then than I do now. When I did experience jealousy in my relationship it wasn’t a lot of jealousy and I think it was due to a lack of self-esteem and trust in the relationship. My last relationship actually ended because my ex was jealous of anyone and everyone that got to talk to me, look at me, or spend time with me (which was extremely toxic).
ReplyDeleteI feel like jealousy is often looked at as a negative thing, but is something that everyone experiences. Whether this was getting one less present from your parents on Christmas or if this was your partner hanging out with his girl best friend who he tells you “you don’t have to worry about”, there is jealousy in most people’s lives. For me, it has rooted from fear. The fear that I am not good enough to make the cut for the next party or hangout. We are human and we think about things. It explains to be open about the way you feel; I have found that to really work.
ReplyDeleteWith the few different partners I have had, I feel that each has shown me jealousy in a different way. The partner I had in high school fit the idea of how insecure-avoidant people would react. Quite dismissive and in denial to avoid it and it didn’t cause a lot of problems but was noticeable. The boyfriend I had at the beginning of college fit the description of insecure-anxious. He would be angry, and intrusive, he always needed to know who I was with and talking to and was very clearly jealous pretty much whenever I wasn’t with him. My now Fiancé who fits the secure attachment description, has only ever appeared jealous one time and has never let it affect our relationship because he is confident in us. For me, my jealousy was never something that bothered me until after my relationship at the beginning of college. The amount of jealousy he showed me lingers into my now amazing relationship. I show much more jealousy than my partner and it has greatly improved over the years but there were times it would disrupt my life. It’s interesting to see how I have experienced all three types of attachment/jealousy relationships and how they have changed my own thoughts and actions on jealousy.
ReplyDeleteenjoyed reading your post and found it really interesting that different levels and forms of jealousy are correlated to certain attachment styles. I would not consider myself a jealous person, but I have felt jealousy before and I try to remind myself that if it was something to worry about then my significant other would tell me and to trust them. It is good to remember that jealousy is a normal thing to experience and to work it out with your romantic partner and it could strengthen your relationship by having more communication about what makes you feel uncomfortable and work through it.
ReplyDeleteJealousy in relationships is such an interesting topic as it is, but I was so intrigued by the idea of how jealousy appears differently in people with different attachment styles. As I read through how each of the three main attachment style’s jealousy levels differed, all of them made sense from my personal experience and experiences with some of my friends. I have a secure attachment style, so jealousy has never been a problem in any of my relationships. However, I have had a friend with the insecure-anxious attachment style who would get very upset and angry at her partner when she felt jealous, much like how the insecure-anxious attachment style was explained in this article. I think it is super important in relationships to be aware of your attachment style and your partners when it comes to jealousy, so that problems can be addressed appropriately based on your jealousy level.
ReplyDeleteMolly, this is an interesting topic especially since I do tend to become a pretty jealous person pretty fast. I have an insecure-ambivalent attachment style and relate to feeling very jealous and getting angry about it. It creates a fight or flight response and creates extreme mistrust in the other person. This has caused major issues in my past relationships; however, it has gotten better over time through healthy relationships. It is encouraging that jealousy is a normal feeling and I'm eager to use the strategy of understanding you and your partner's tendencies to make the relationship healthier. It’s so important to be open and honest with your partner.
ReplyDelete