Making the Decision to Move in Together

I’d like to continue the discussion of a topic we began in past blog posts: Cohabitation. Deciding to live with your romantic partner is a huge decision, and one that a lot of us in emerging adulthood might face. We ask questions like, “Are we ready to make this step?” and “What kind of roommate will they be?” and even sometimes “What will my parents think?” (that’s a big one for me). We’re afraid that moving in together for the wrong reasons might ruin the relationship. So what does the research say about reasons for cohabitation?

Spending Time Together

One reason I’ve often heard when talking to friends is that they were basically already living with their significant other, and so it just made sense to move in so they could spend more time together. From an attachment point of view, you have successfully created an attachment bond with your partner and find feelings of peace, safety and security together (Zayas et al., 2015). No wonder you enjoy being together! My close family member relates to this:

“My partner and I decided to move in together because we were previously living separately and yet spending most of our time together in either one of our apartments. It made sense financially to pick one place that we would both be in all the time, rather than each of us only using our respective homes some of the time” (T. Marbois, personal communication, April 20, 2020).

And the research supports this decision. Both Tang et al. (2014) and Rhoades et al. (2009) found that when couples listed spending time together or convenience as their reason for cohabitation, their relationship satisfaction was higher. So maybe if your romantic partner is your best friend and you cannot get enough of being together, moving in might be a way to make your connection even stronger!

“Testing” the Relationship

I have also heard friends discuss how they moved in with their partner so they could “test” their relationship by sharing living situations. I put this in quotation marks because this word often has a negative connotation, but truly, making sure your partner is someone you can live with is probably a good idea, especially if your intention is long-term cohabitation or marriage! People who are more anxiously attached may also have this reason as a higher priority, most likely because they have more relationship doubts that they want to reassure (Rhoades et al., 2009).

The two articles mentioned earlier (Tang et al., 2014, Rhoades et al., 2009) also found that when couples listed their reason for living together as testing the relationship, their relationship satisfaction is lower. Findings included increased negative communication, lower commitment, and higher levels of attachment insecurity, depression and anxiety. What this research suggests for me is that if we have higher expectations for the relationship with our significant other in comparison to a platonic roommate, we may come across more conflict. Although conflict can be uncomfortable and hard, it is possible to negotiate with your partner in a healthy way, and may improve your relationship satisfaction. This is what my family member had to say about approaching conflict with her partner and her consequent commitment to him: “We choose to talk through the difficult topics in hopes of cultivating a healthy, happy relationship. Right now, my goal is to be with him indefinitely” (T. Marbois, personal communication, April 20, 2020).

Ultimately, it seems that couples move in together for a multitude of reasons, and often more than just one. No reason is bad; it is up to us to choose how we handle issues that will undoubtedly arise. I think that maybe approaching our decision with a little more optimism, a little less pessimism, and a whole lot of grace, will do us some good!


Sources

Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. (2009). Couples’ reasons for cohabitation:
Associations with individual well-being and relationship quality. Journal of Family Issues, 30(2), 233–258. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1177/0192513X08324388

Tang, C.-Y., Curran, M., & Arroyo, A. (2014). Cohabitors’ reasons for living together,
satisfaction with sacrifices, and relationship quality. Marriage & Family Review, 50(7), 598–620. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1080/01494929.2014.938289

Zayas, V., Gunaydin, G., & Shoda, Y. (2015). From an unknown other to an attachment figure:
How do mental representations change as attachments form? In V. Zayas & C. Hazan (Eds.), Bases of adult attachment: Linking brain, mind, and behavior (pp. 168-176 only). New York, NY: Springer.

“Fear of Being Single”

As children, we develop certain fears that we often carry for the rest of our lives.  Maybe a traumatic experience on the swings when you were three years old set you up for a lifelong fear of heights.  Maybe a terrifying shadow that only appeared at night in your childhood bedroom is the reason that you still sleep with a nightlight. When I was young, I was never afraid of moths—I would catch them in my hands and I loved the way they tickled my fingers.  However, after a particular instance when a moth flew out of my bedsheets as I was crawling into bed one night—I’ll admit it—moths have brought me to tears….on multiple occasions.

It is clear that our childhoods can have a monumental impact on the fears that we take on later in life.  One of the most prominent may not be spiders or ghosts, however, but a fear of being single. 

We have all known at least one person who seems to always be in a relationship.  Maybe that person is you.  I interviewed one senior in college who reported the longest period of time that she has been single since 8^th grade being “three months.” If this sounds familiar, it can leave us wondering why people who are equally as beautiful, equally as smart, and equally as friendly can be completely unalike in this area. 

If you have been following this blog and read my last post about perpetual singlehood, you might be asking if there is also a connection to attachment theory for those who are constantly in a romantic relationship.  It may consequentially surprise you that these two population groups who appear to be total opposites, have actually been suggested to be “cut from the same cloth” as it were.  Research has suggested that those who are almost never single also tend to show anxious attachment—just like those who have always been single! (Spielmann, et al., 2013).

However, that is not all that research suggests. Some studies also link always being in a relationship to “settling for less” in those relationships (Spielmann et al., 2013).  Women with a fear of being single were more likely to show romantic interest in partners who were less responsive and less attractive than their counterparts (Spielmann et al., 2013). When I asked the same college senior if she could remember a time when she clearly settled in a relationship, she responded, “Ummm I mean, yeah.  Probably, I’d have to say all of them.” ….Then again, don’t we all feel that way about our exes?

If you find yourself in this position—seemingly always in a relationship or at least always looking for one—consider taking some “me” time. Being single can give you the opportunity to develop strong friendships, learn new things, travel to places you’ve never been, and truly get to know yourself more.  It is critical to have this time before getting married because it allows you to become the person that you want to be for your future spouse. 

Although research is inconclusive, there seems to exist a trend for rocky relationship histories to correlate in some way with our attachment patterns.  Just as we develop fears during our childhoods of heights, the dark, or terrifying and dusty winged insects, it seems that the attachment pattern that forms in our infancy can cultivate a very real “fear of being single.”  In my very non-professional opinion, exposure therapy may be the best remedy for all of the above.

Spielmann, S. S., MacDonald, G., Maxwell, J. A., Joel, S., Peragine, D., Muise, A., & Impett, E. A. (2013). Settling for less out of fear of being single. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 105(6), 1049–1073. https://doi.org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1037/a0034628  

Do Opposites Attract?

I am sure that at some point in time we have all heard the infamous phrase: “opposites attract.” It has been used to describe many things from the science of magnetism to explaining surprising matches in relationships between two people who we may never have expected to be together. I personally have found myself (a poster child for the average-looking human) attracted to people who I would describe as incredibly different than myself… something about those heavy metal, eye-liner wearing, jet-black dyed hair, pierced up men really gets to me, what can I say. So, is this phenomenon true? Do opposites really attract?

I decided to look into the studies of attachment style. There are three main types of attachment: secure, insecure-anxious, and insecure-avoidant. Secure attachment is the type of attachment that we typically all strive for—these are the people who generally have the most success in relationships. Anxious and avoidant attachment styles tend to have more issues in relationships due to insecurity. Anxious people have tendencies to jump straight to intimacy and overwhelm their partner, while avoidant people come across as uncaring and more into prospects of a sexual relationship rather than an intimate one (Zortea, Gray, & O’Connor, 2019). Many of us have likely experienced relationships where we had more anxious tendencies and others where we have leaned more on the avoidant side, but in general, we tend to identify with one over the other if we experience insecure attachment.

Research shows that everyone, regardless of their own attachment style, finds securely attached partners most attractive (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). But I was curious as to whether or not anxious people tend to end up with avoidant people (and vise-versa) or if insecurely attached people tended to end up with people who had the same attachment style as their own. Research conducted by Mikulincer and Shaver (2016) found that in many cases, people with an avoidant attachment wound up in actual dating relationships with anxiously attached people. The researchers speculated that this was because anxiously attached people take more initiative in starting relationships and avoidant people tend to passively accept the situation, rather than communicate their objections (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). This would suggest that while opposites may not always attract, they may tend to find themselves in relationships together because of their differences.

A friend of mine explained that she had typically found herself being the anxious one in relationships and her partners always seemed to be avoidant. When I asked about how this happened, she explained:

“I typically am the one who initiates relationships and I tend to go for men who have a hard time opening up, so when they do open up it feels like a victory and makes our relationship feel stronger. But after a while, it feels like they typically pull away and it is a constant battle to maintain emotional intimacy.”

However, before you walk away from this thinking that you have to find the avoidant to your anxious or the anxious to your avoidant, research has also suggested that insecurely attached people tend to seek out people with their same attachment style. Anxious people do find themselves drawn to anxiously attached people and the same goes for avoidant seeking out avoidant—this is likely because people feel more validated in their feelings and actions when they are with someone who has the same tendencies as them (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016).

There is evidence that supports the idea that opposites attract, but understand that there is also evidence supporting that similar people end up together as well. So, if you find yourself drawn to someone and question how you ended up there, don’t overthink it, just lean in. Who knows, the love of your life may be someone you would have never expected.

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment process and couple functioning (Chapter 10). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed., pp. 299-346). New York: Guilford Press.

Zortea, T. C., Gray, C. M., & O’Connor, R. C. (2019). Adult attachment: Investigating the factor structure of the Relationship Scales Questionnaire. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 75(12), 2169–2187. https://doi org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1002/jclp.22838

Do I Have to Put a Ring on It?

In our western society, there is a progression in relationships that many people tend to follow and watch unfold. Typically, a couple meets, begins dating, and eventually works their way up to cohabitating and then marriage. However, one question I have always wondered is why couples feel the need to get married if they are already in a relationship that involves the commitment of living together? I wanted to know what made people choose whether to cohabitate or marry because the two options seem so similar to me. Through digging further into this topic, I found that there are a number of factors that people consider when choosing cohabitation or marriage.

Cohabitating seems like a good idea, in fact, the research shows that 1 in 5 people are cohabitating before marriage (Blekesaune, 2016). We all have our own living habits and quirks that make us comfortable in our homes. Some may call my habit of placing trashcans in certain spots in my house “quirky” but I call it “efficient.” And while I think it is no big deal to keep a spotless bathroom mirror, my roommate prides herself in keeping our mirror spick-and-span. We all have that one thing. Another thing we are likely all guilty of is making sure to tidy up our home before people come over so we can make the best impression on our guests. You have to pretend like you don’t usually live with a pile of not-quite-dirty-not-quite-clean clothes on your chair, and empty water glasses laying around—that’s just how it goes. But, once we begin cohabitating with a significant other, our normal living habits begin to take over and we find out how our partners really live. Dividing up household labor becomes something couples must tackle which studies have shown is easier to do in marriages than in cohabitation (Blekesaune, 2016). This is because when couples are cohabitating, they are more likely to keep their independent roles and feel less inclined to divide up household roles without the life-long commitment.

It is important to look into how different attachment styles deal handle cohabitation and marriage as well. As we have talked about a lot in this blog, there are three main attachment styles: secure, insecure-avoidant, and insecure-anxious. Although research has found that attachment style does not predict whether or not one person is more likely to cohabitate than another, it has found that people with anxious attachment styles are less likely to be satisfied and show affection in their relationships while cohabitating and while married (Kulik & Havusha-Morgenstern, 2011). Through this we can see that attachment can play a role in the satisfaction of a cohabitating or marital relationship, but it does not always predict whether a person will choose to cohabitate or get married. 

Research found that 90% of couples who were married decided to get married said love was the main reason, while only 73% of couples who were cohabitating said love was the main reason (Horowitz, Graf, & Livingston, 2019). There are many other reasons people cohabitate as well. A friend of mine who cohabitated in her previous relationship pointed out that she did it because it made sense financially. She said:

            “I was moving to a new state after graduating college and he came with me. He had a stable income at the time and I was just starting a new job, so I couldn’t have afforded my own place anyway. It just made sense in the end that we lived together to cut some costs.”

Is money really one of the biggest motivating factors in cohabitating? Research has shown that 38% of cohabitators agree that it was their number one reason for moving in together—this compares to only 13% of married couples saying they got married for financial reasons (Horowitz, Graf, & Livingston, 2019). I can understand this, because as an emerging adult who is close to entering the workforce, I will likely continue to have roommates out of college until I am financially stable enough to live on my own. Cohabitating with a partner is similar in this way financially.

Older generations are more likely to advocate for couples to get married if they are going to be cohabitating, while younger generations generally believe it is okay to cohabitate without the intention of marriage (Horowitz, Graf, & Livingston, 2019). Historically, it was rare for people to live together before they married one another. Even in today’s world, though, some young people still choose to marry without cohabitating first. I asked a friend of mine who recently got married without cohabitating what she thought one upside of cohabitating before marriage would be as well as what she believed the benefits of not cohabitating before marriage were, she responded:

“Cohabitating before marriage probably helps alleviate a lot of the early issues surrounding schedule, who does what chores, annoying habits, and just everything that comes from learning to live with someone else. But, with that said, not cohabitating kind of forces deeper communication earlier on, I think. If you have the attitude that you’re going to be married forever, but you don’t know what it’s like living with the other person, that’s a big inspiration to ask lots of questions beforehand, talk out potential issues, and just make sure there are as few surprises as possible.”

So, what is it that makes people choose cohabitation or marriage? People have many individual preferences as to whether they want to cohabitate or get married including considerations about love or finances. Either way, every relationship is different. It is up to the individuals to choose what is right for them, which in today’s world could mean marriage, cohabitation, or neither!

Blekesaune, M. (2018). Is Cohabitation as good as marriage for people’s subjective well-being? Longitudinal evidence on happiness and life satisfaction in the British household panel survey. Journal of Happiness Studies, 19(2), 505–520. https://doi- org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1007/s10902-016-9834-x

Horowitz, J. M. Graf, N. Livingston, G. (2019, Nov 6). Marriage and cohabitation in the US. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2019/11/06/marriage-and-cohabitation-in-the-u-s/

Kulik, L., & Havusha-Morgenstern, H. (2011). Does cohabitation matter? Differences in initial marital adjustment among women who cohabited and those who did not. Families in Society, 92(1), 120–127. https://doiorg.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1606/1044- 3894.4057

Long Distance Relationships: Are They Worth It?

Should I pursue a long-distance relationship with them?

Many of us have asked ourselves this question before; I know I have. It’s the classic Camp Rock story: we’ve met someone on a trip over the summer, and we’ve developed a hardcore crush or maybe even started to date that special someone. But when the time you have together is coming to an end, you have to decide if you’ll end the relationship or try to continue it hundreds of miles apart. So what factors should you consider? 

How close you already are to your partner.

Attachment studies show that after we’ve begun creating deeper connections with someone, they become a source of comfort in times of stress, also known as our safe haven (Harvey, 2020). If we cannot physically go to our partner when we are struggling, will you be able to get support from them via technology, or from another close friend? Even leaving your partner after bonding closely with them can cause separation distress, which can include longing for your significant other and feelings of loneliness (Harvey, 2020). It sounds like no fun, right? It is paramount for us to consider if we’ll have the time and energy in our lives to not only support our significant other, but also get support for ourselves (which is an entire job on its own, as we all know). A close friend of mine who has experience in long-distance relationships told me how he maintained closeness with his most recent relationship: “We did a lot of Facetime and a lot of Skype. Even if we weren't talking just one-on-one, we would have each other on while we did our own thing. It was as close as we could get to being in the same room together” (S. Black, personal communication, April 15, 2020).

What your personal attachment style is.

There are different attachment styles that an individual may have, and these will influence our behaviors in romantic relationships, which may be highlighted in long-distance. For example, someone with an anxious attachment style may already be prone to worrying if their partner cares about them or enjoys being with them, and this fear may be amplified if they are unable to receive in-person support (Harvey, 2020). On the flip side, someone with a secure attachment may need less affirmation about the quality of their relationship, and can be honest if any issues arise, even though it might be more difficult to handle conflict while separated (Harvey, 2020). If you are someone who is future-focused and enjoys dreaming about you and your partner’s eventual reunion, you may also experience more satisfaction; so daydream to your heart’s content! (Merolla, 2012). 

But just because someone does not have a secure attachment or optimistic orientation does not mean long-distance would be impossible. Personally, I tend to need a lot of reassurance in my relationships, and while in a recent long-distance relationship, I just needed simple texts throughout the day to remind me that my partner still cared about me, and they were more than happy to do that to keep our relationship intact.

If you’re willing to put in a little more work.

Ultimately, not being physically close to your partner means that we may have to pick up the phone a little more in order to stay close. Luckily, an increase in communication technologies has greatly decreased historical stress in long-distance relationships (Merolla, 2012). We are all unique individuals, and our differences may mean that some of us may not be the best fit for long-distance. I know plenty of friends that have pursued someone from afar, and an equal amount who have decided against it. I encourage you to do what feels best for YOU. I think my close friend summarizes this decision nicely: “It really is something that you may not know until you try it, but before entering into a long distance relationship, really think about who the person is and where you are in your life” (S. Black, personal communication, April 15, 2020).


Sources
Harvey, A. (2020). Couples and Attachment [PowerPoint slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State 

University Canvas site for HDFS 402: info.canvas.colostate.edu

Merolla, A. J. (2012). Connecting here and there: A model of long‐distance relationship 
maintenance. Personal Relationships, 19(4), 775–795.
https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2011.01392.x

Attached… To Singlehood?

We’ve all been there, it’s the dreaded night of February 14^th and it seems that everyone you know is out with their SO and somehow you are the only one who does not have flowers and chocolate to post on your Instagram story today.  So, you go buy yourself your very favorite ice cream and tell yourself that this is better anyway because THIS way we can pick out whatever we’re in the mood for, and it doesn’t have to be in the shape of a heart. You spend the rest of the night watching cheesy chick flicks and yelling at the women in the movies for being overly dependent on some man, until your roommates come home humming “The Way You Look Tonight” by Frank Sinatra.

Okay—so not everyone has had that exact Valentine’s day experience, and we certainly live in a time when being single is no longer something that is looked down on or something that should be avoided. Being single can be damn empowering, and we could all do well to remember that! 

But what about those of us who have always been single? Who have defied the stigma of needing a relationship for so long that we can count the number of second dates that we have been on one…fist.  Could it be possible that people who have never been in a serious relationship and have never been married are more likely to fit a particular attachment pattern? 

In a study conducted by Verrinder (2012) looking at 55 never-married, college-educated women, those who had dated by age 16 tended to be securely and avoidantly-attached, and those who were securely attached were more likely to have had a relationship that lasted more than three months. Most women who were anxiously-attached had not yet begun to date by age 16 (Verrinder, 2012). 

Anxiety seems to play a huge part in the presence or absence of romantic relationships in a person’s life. I asked a recent college graduate who has never been in a real romantic relationship whether she felt that anxiety ever inhibits her from doing the things that she wants to do, to which she replied, “Yes. 100%. All the time.”  It was the most resounding answer she had given me the entire interview.  Findings from the previous study also indicated that women who were not dating tended to have the highest anxiety scores (Verrinder, 2012).

When I asked our college graduate about the only “fling” she had ever had, she described it as “confusing… I never knew where we stood, and truly, I didn’t ever really want to ask. Being with him was fun but the thought of making it something serious was daunting.  It made my stomach hurt just thinking about it.”  It was clear that she wanted a committed relationship, but the guy that she wanted it with seemed not to exist.

But why is this?  Does not being in a relationship make people more anxious or do anxious people tend not to get involved romantic relationships?

Well, not all research agrees that those with anxious attachments are bound for eternal singleness.  In fact, a comparative interview study of single people and couples, ages 25-55, found that single people are just as likely to be securely attached as married people—suggesting that “single adult life can be just as secure and satisfying as a married life,” (Schachner, 2006).

Understanding the roots of our attachment style can give us the tools we need to heal from any wounds in our past and move us toward more security and relationship success. Yet even so, being single also doesn’t mean that we have an anxious attachment style, or anything in need of fixing.  Our relationships are complex and we will probably never fully understand them.  However, we do know that plenty of people who have been single their whole life can often feel trapped by it (Verrinder, 2012).  If that’s you, know that you’re not alone, but don’t let the world tell you that it takes a relationship to define you!  Not a single other person can make you worth more than you already are! So let that anxiety go and simply be the whole and complete person the world needs you to be.

Schachner, D. (2006). Attachment and long-term singlehood. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, University of California at Davis.

Verrinder, F. (2012). A descriptive study of the dating relationships and attachment status of        always-single, white, college-educated, heterosexual women between the ages of 35-42.       In Dissertation Abstracts International: Section B: The Sciences and Engineering (Vol     72, Issue 12-B, p. 7702).