As we have touched on before on this blog, our attachment style can influence our relationship satisfaction, with those of us that are insecurely attached generally reporting less satisfaction in our relationships. This may be disheartening for those of us that are insecurely attached, however we should really view it as good news, because it means that we have the ability to earn secure attachment and change our attachment styles. This one change could, in turn, help us to become more satisfied in our relationships, and even improve our overall wellbeing.
Insecure-avoidant attachment is characterized by feeling less comfortable with intimacy, and by being less likely to seek out close relationships. Those of us that are insecurely attached are more likely to be self-sufficient, and we show more discomfort with emotional closeness.1 Individuals with avoidant attachment styles enter into relationships much less frequently, and when we do, we are more likely to experience commitment aversion.1 Those of us that are avoidantly attached generally report lower rates of relationship satisfaction, as we have a harder time opening up and connecting with our partners. Those of us that are avoidantly attached also report less overall wellbeing, as we generally do not harness social support, which can contribute to rates of depression.1
I asked one avoidantly-attached friend about their experience earning secure attachment with their longtime partner and how their relationship satisfaction changed over time and they described their relationship as such:
“We were ‘together’ for almost a year before I finally felt comfortable taking the next step and labeling it because I’d been hurt pretty badly recently and didn’t want to rebound or open myself back up to that pain unnecessarily… [transitioning to a long-distance relationship] forced us to get comfortable because it was going to be really hard either way, but it would have been impossible if we weren’t on the same page and didn’t trust each other. And it’s been hard obviously, but only because I miss them and not because I’m terrified that they’re going to leave me or cheat on me or anything.”
Insecure-anxious attachment is characterized by a high desire for intimacy and closeness, but a persistent fear that something might go wrong. Those of us that are anxiously attached are more likely to experience feelings of jealousy, chronic fear of abandonment, and fear of being rejected.1 These negative emotions can lead to decreased relationship satisfaction for those of us that are anxiously attached, and can lead to feeling as though we can never get too comfortable in a relationship, despite our intense desire for closeness.1
One of my close friends who recently got engaged was discussed how moving in together allowed him to finally let go of some of his anxiously attached tendencies and become more securely attached to his fiancée:
“My partner and I started our relationship off as close friends, and I would definitely say that at first, we were insecurely attached. Because of the existing dynamic of our friendship, we constantly worried about doing something to harm the friendship, and personally I feel that at times, I let this worry prevent me from taking the necessary steps to build and strengthen our relationship. We eventually moved in together, and that alone was the turning point in our relationship, I would say. I immediately noticed a difference, and she went from my friend who I was dating to my partner who I was friends with. I no longer worried about upsetting or altering our friendship, because I knew our relationship was strong enough to withstand any changes.”
Both of these individuals have success stories about earning secure attachment. They prove that it is possible to alter one’s attachment style and change our insecure attachment behaviors to develop a secure attachment.
Those of us that are securely attached are comfortable with intimacy, and they find it easy to get close to other people. They do not share the same negative feelings or fears as insecurely attached individuals, and thus those of us that are securely attached report higher levels of relationship satisfaction.1 This is true across cultures, even among individuals from Western and Eastern cultures.1 It is surprising to see that there are such similarities across the world, especially when comparing individualistic versus collectivistic societies.
One personality trait that is correlated with relationship satisfaction, independent of attachment style is personal commitment, or our desire for a particular partner and a particular relationship.1 For those of us with strong personal commitment, we report significantly higher rates of relationship satisfaction.1 This is yet another fact that should bring us all hope, because it means that if we want to continue to be in a particular relationship, that we are more likely to be satisfied in our relationship. It sounds simple, but it is unifying across all attachment styles.
It is also important to remember, as always, that we have the power to change our attachment style, and we can earn a secure attachment style and find more relationship satisfaction if we are aware of our tendencies and work toward healthier patterns.
1Ho, M., Chen, S., Bond, M., Hui, C., Chan, C., & Friedman, M. (2012). Linking Adult Attachment
Styles to Relationship Satisfaction in Hong Kong and the United States: The Mediating
Role of Personal and Structural Commitment. Journal of Happiness Studies, 13(3), 565–578. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1007/s10902-011-9279-1
In previous years at Colorado State University I had lightly been introduced to the concept of attachment and attachment styles. This year I have been able to study and notice them in a more in-depth way. As I have been reading about them, I have been able to reflect upon what they look like in my own life. It wasn't until this semester when our professor talked about her own anxious attachment and described what that might manifest itself to look like in a relationship did I realize that I too had a tendency to have an anxious attachment. However, it was also encouraging to learn that there can be a larend/earned secure attachment in relationships as well.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate how this post highlights the negative impact of insecure attachment on relationships while also letting readers know that there is hope to become securely attached. I personally struggle with insecure attachment and am in the process of becoming more securely attached with my partner. We have found that my partner nicely pointing out my anxious habits can be helpful, and he is very understanding. He happens to be avoidant, so I have come to terms with communicating with him on his avoidant habits as well. As far as strong personal commitment, I feel strongly that we both have it. I believe that this factor promotes our relationship satisfaction and makes the process to become securely attached worth it.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first learned about attachment, I did not think of how it can influence different aspects of a person's life. In learning about attachment, I have been able to look back at my past relationships and notice that I have more of an insecure-avoidant attachment style. I can relate a lot to the quotes from the individuals who shared their experience of how they earned a secure attachment. It's good to learn that someone can earn a secure attachment because usually, when I think about attachment, I tend to think about it as a fixed characteristic. Although one can develop a secure attachment, it's not easy. It takes time and effort. I also thought it was interesting to read about personal commitment being a factor for higher relationship satisfaction. From my experience, I believe this is true. But I believe commitment from your partner is important as well.
ReplyDeleteBriana, I really enjoyed reading your thoughts on attachment and relationship satisfactions and commitment. I myself have insecure attachment due to childhood experiences and past relationships being toxic. Recently I have noticed myself being happier on my own and having issues with commitment when it comes to relationships with a partner. I thought it could just be an issue with me personally but knowing that it can be narrowed down to attachment proves to be somewhat comforting. It is also reassuring that secure attachment can be earned and that is is possible for me to achieve that in a future relationship. I am curious how long do you think this process takes? Is it different for everyone? Thank you for your thoughts and post.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed how you made it clear we have the option to change our attachment style by working on ourselves and gravitating towards healthier mechanisms. I had been in a four year relationship, and I had a very un-secure attachment due to my partner being unfaithful. I continued to go back because I had falsified hope. I took healthy steps and separated myself to first get a secure attachment with myself, so I could give my partner the same. Two years later, and we found ourselves talking again and one thing that helped me gain a secure attachment was not being intimate for almost a year. I did not want the relationship just to be about pleasure. Just like you said, a secure attachment had to be earned, it was not given. Thank you for expressing experiences of gaining a secure attachment.
ReplyDeleteI thought that your blog post was very interesting. I enjoyed how you went into detail about the different attachment styles and how as we grow up it can affect our relationship styles. I thought it was also interesting how as we get older individuals don't grow out of the insecure attachment styles but continue that attachment style throughout life and in future relationships. The gap between insecure-avoidant attachment and secure attachment is huge. It brings up questions about how can insecure-avoidant attachment be decreased and become more of a healthy attachment style. It was helpful to see examples of each attachment style from a real life example and an explanation of each relationship. This has been very helpful thank you!
ReplyDeleteYour blog post was very interesting and very informative. I thought everything that was said used a good variety of examples and focused on different areas. This makes it easy for a diverse community to read, meaning more people are able to relate to the blog post with different attachment styles. Speaking for myself, it was really awesome to go throughout the blog post and figure out which one I was and how I have seen my attachment style play a role in all my different relationships. I also really enjoyed how in the last part you touched on saying how everyone can earn a secure attachment. This gives people hopes to grow in their attachment style, I’ve seen many people conform that they will never change, but I think it’s important to note it is completely possible.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this blog post. It was very interesting and made it easier to connect to the author. Through this post, I was able to learn the attachment style that I show to my closest friends, along with my partner. I can relate on the fact that my attachment style hasn't changed throughout my life but it can be altered depending on the people that we are around. With my friends I feel as if I am securely attached and we both are able to communicate in a healthy way and provide support for each other. With my partner it is a little different because I find myself to be more anxiously attached and he is more avoidant. With the help of learning about attachment and this blog post I have been able to express this information to him and we have progressed a lot in becoming more securely attached. We are both supportive of each other and make it apparent what we want from one another. Through healthy communication it has help us immensely in this process. I also really enjoyed that you mentioned that anyone can earn a secure attachment. So people should not feel discouraged if they are confused with where they are at with the relationships/friendships in their life. It is important to know that pushing yourself and finding someone that can support you will make it so much easier to accomplish a secure attachment. Thank you for sharing this blog, I really enjoyed it!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed your blog as it was very informative and relatable. After reading your blog I think I an insecure-avoidant attachment. I have a hard time getting close to people and I am very closed off at times. Everyone knows me as not being intimate or emotional at all. This may be due to being hurt in the pass. I have over come some of my challenges by forcing myself to get out of my comfort zone by being more affectionate and expressing my emotions instead os suppressing them. I like how you gave a personal example about your friends relationship because it pin pointed a lot of habits or traits that I still have to over come.
ReplyDeleteHi Brianna! I feel like I was really able to gain a lot of insight from this post. I think that attachment styles can definitely make a major impact on our relationship satisfaction. It makes since that if you are constantly having relationship anxiety, you will have less satisfaction. I really enjoyed how you added at the end of this post that attachment styles in relationships can change and evolve into a secure attachment. I fully believe that if an individual has an insecure attachment, they can build their relationship into a secure one! Overall, I really enjoyed your post and I find attachment styles very interesting, and I loved how you connected it to relationship satsifaction.
ReplyDeleteRelationship satisfaction is something that I have found very interesting because there are numerous factors and individual experiences/attachment styles that influence each couples relationship. I found it really interesting that avoidantly attached individuals have lower reported overall well-being, as I was reading in another post how physical and mental health are related to our attachment style. My boyfriend previously felt that he had an avoidant attachment style, however; after we have been dating 3 years he shared that those feelings have primarily gone away and they felt happier overall now that they had a positive/healthy relationship.
ReplyDeleteRelationship satisfaction is definitely something that I have weighed in my personal life and within each of my past and current romantic relationships. As we grow into young adults and navigate the world around us, while trying to navigate all of the changes around us, having a stable partner has many benefits. I think that it is often hard to be sure of the world around you when so much of your life is changing. Depending upon attachment styles, this feeling may vary. However, I feel like relationship satisfaction and the insecurity of such is a shared experience by all of us, especially in this time period.
ReplyDeleteI personally found this blog to be really insightful as I further understood the different point of views of relationship satisfaction from different attachment styles. Personal commitment being a personality trait correlated to relationship satisfaction is a clear definitive to my life and my expectations. I seek high expectations of commitment in a relationship when I apply myself to something or someone I am all in and if the other person is not then I fail to be satisfied and distance myself. I think that a person can change my attachment style, but if they don’t have personal commitment within themselves and their life it is hard for me to believe it could come from a relationship.
ReplyDeleteWith the experience that was shared, I was only able to relate to parts of it. Very early on in my relationship that is 2 years, I felt very comfortable with my boyfriend and we didn’t necessarily tell each other we loved each other until we were comfortable with it. This was one of the main reason I loved my relationship was due to how comfortable I am and how he waited for me in many things. Starting off as friends I believe did help this as well. With our friends being able to talk about us through our relationship was very helpful due to how I felt that we were both being welcomed and no one disliked the way we were together.
ReplyDeleteI'm in college and still figuring out dating and relationships. This post really hit home for me. I have a friend who was in a relationship that looked great from the outside, but she wasn't happy. Reading your post about how important it is to really get each other in a relationship made me think of her. It's not just about liking the same stuff or hanging out with the same people. It's more about really understanding and caring for each other.
ReplyDeleteI like how this blog is easy to read and respectful. It's good to see a place where we can talk about the tough parts of relationships, not just the fun stuff. This post opened my eyes and is a big help for someone like me who's still learning about love in college.
I really enjoy attachment theory and reading about it. I think I have an insecure attachment and I am glad that you bring awareness to the fact that attachment styles are changeable. I like the idea that they can stay with a person but that they can also change depending on the two people in the relationship. I feel like with at least one person I have a secure attachment with at times. I also like that you bring up the fact that a person's attachment style can change their relationship satisfaction because I resonate with that. At times when I am feeling more insecure, attachment wise, I do notice more complaints popping up in my mind. At times when I am feeling more secure in an attachment, I notice that I am more patient or understanding.
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