Across all attachment types, one fact remains true for all of us: the level of commitment we have significantly impacts our relationship satisfaction. The investment model describes our commitment to a relationship, using factors such as: satisfaction level, alternative partners, and investments in our relationship as predictors of commitment.2 This model shows that if we are happy in our relationship, do not have alternatives that seem more appealing, and if we have invested large amounts of time, energy, or other resources into the relationship, that we are more likely to be committed.2
Our satisfaction is determined by the rewards and costs that are associated with our relationship, and our overall commitment can be defined as our motivation to maintain a relationship based on our level of satisfaction. When the number of rewards exceeds the number of costs, we are more likely to experience satisfaction. This is fairly intuitive, but the number of costs and rewards can change even within the same day. We tend to be happier with our relationships on the days where the rewards significantly outweigh the costs, and our evaluation of the costs and rewards of a relationship are shaped by our attachment styles.2
For those of us that are insecurely attached, our attachment style influences our experience of relationship investment. Having a strong investment in a relationship can help to tie us to our partners, and it allow us to feel more satisfied by feeling closer to our partners.2 Those of us with anxious attachment styles are likely to experience a strong desire to merge with another person and forge a strong bond, even when considering our fears surrounding rejection.3 This means that those of us with anxious attachment styles are more likely than those of us with avoidant attachment to experience high levels of commitment.
I asked one friend that is anxiously attached about her experience with commitment levels and investment in her relationship, and she described the following:
“I definitely notice us to be more invested in each other and our relationship when we are feeling anxious about the relationship. Not to say we aren't now even though I feel secure, but I think when there's unrest or a feeling of anxiety related to attachment or the relationship I notice myself focusing a lot of my energy on the relationship probably in an effort to get back to that feeling of security.”
For those of us that are avoidantly attached, we tend to have more negative expectations for others, causing us to be less interested in committing to relationships.2 We tend to fear becoming dependent on others, which makes us less likely to be interested in forming committed relationships.3 Alternately, those of us that are securely attached tend to have positive opinions and expectations of others, we are comfortable getting close to others, and are likely to invest in a romantic relationship and practice healthy behaviors while doing so.2
The good news, and what we all need to remember, is that we have the power to change our attachment style, earn secure attachment, and form committed relationships. A recent study found that nearly 1 in 4 people are able to earn secure attachment, a number that increases when we are aware of our patterns and make an effort to change.1We do not have to perpetuate the same negative patterns of behavior, we have the power to change our lives and transform our relationships, and the first step begins with becoming aware of our patterns and making an effort to develop healthier behaviors. Another hopeful fact is that across all attachment styles, it remains true that relationship commitment is related to our level of satisfaction. Thus, no matter if we are more anxiously or avoidantly attached, if we are more committed, we are more likely to be happy in our relationship. And if both parties are happy and want to make a relationship work and last, then it is likely that it will.
1Dansby Olufowote, R. A., Fife, S. T., Schleiden, C., & Whiting, J. B. (2019). How can I become more secure?: A grounded theory of earning secure attachment. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/jmft.12409
2Etcheverry, P. E., Le, B., Wu, T.-F., & Wei, M. (2013). Attachment and the investment model: Predictors of relationship commitment, maintenance, and persistence. Personal Relationships, 20(3), 546–567. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2012.01423.x
3Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment process and couple functioning (Chapter 10). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed., pp. 299-346). New York: Guilford Press.
It's so funny that I have also been thinking about this recently. Your bolded text about how we are way more aware of the relationship when we are feeling insecure or anxious, has been incredibly relevant in my life. I talked to someone recently about my attachment style and how we are usually have insecure attachment in adulthood. My partner and my friend said they were more avoidant and I am definitely more anxious! This dynamic is so difficult to wade through and make sense of, but your post really point this dynamic out. We can always change our behavior and our attachment styles. We can always change and we are dynamic people! It is so amazing. Humans really are superheros in the area of resilience (in relationship and in life).
ReplyDeleteI found this post to be very interesting and applicable to an experience of my own. I believe that I lean towards being more avoidant and my partner seems to be more anxious. At the beginning of our relationship, this dynamic caused a lot of problems. My partner would get anxious that I felt differently about her, would become very needy, and make me feel suffocated. This only caused me to withdraw and distance myself even more. When I did this, she would become even more anxious and the cycle would repeat. This was a problem/pattern for a fair amount of time until we sat down and talked to each other about it. We found that we were both very invested in each other but just needed a few things from each other in order to make it work. She needed more reassurance from me, and I just needed a little bit more alone time. We began to implement what we talked about and are now very happy. With that said, I completely agree with you on the idea that we all have the power to earn secure attachment and form committed relationships.
ReplyDeleteI feel that I have a avoidant attachment to my partner but my partner has a anxious attachment to the relationship. Unfortunately, I have attempted to end the relationship once before and now my partner is nervous of rejection. He feels the need to see me constantly it feels and sometimes doesn't appreciate us having alone time. I feel that I need more time alone whereas this makes him feel rejection - "why would you not want to be with me in your free time? " Is a response that I have received but I have never said that to him! I understand that following the "almost break-up" he may feel anxious that I have insecurities about the relationship. I may try to bring this up in a way that shows him I just simply want to be on my own sometimes. I need ME time! Along with US time! It's good to know attachment styles can change and I think that we can still be fully invested in each other but also be fully committed while having some time apart. Thanks for this blog - really cool!
ReplyDeleteThe description of attachment styles in relationships was interesting. I recognized the rewards-cost evaluation with relationships. I wonder if we can objectively define or own attachment style, or if a neutral third party would more accurately define our style after personal conversations. Our perception of ourselves can be very different from reality. Having a trained counselor, psychologist, psychiatrist help us to define our attachment style would probably be most helpful. I do agree that the more time and energy you put into a relationship the more invested we are, which can lead to a more committed, and hopefully happier relationship. I wonder what type of attachment styles are found most often in abusive relationships. I’d like to be aware of that, so that armed with that knowledge I could perhaps avoid an unhealthy pattern in a relationship. In a previous relationship I did have an issue with ending the relationship. My friend was not accepting/understanding that I was no longer interested in continuing the relationship because of his behavior. I thought we could continue as friends, but it didn’t work.
ReplyDeleteMost of us have some awareness of what’s going on and what’s changing in our relationship. Understanding our attachment patterns can be a gift to a new relationship or a long-term commitment because it helps both in how we feel and thought process. My current partner, was very avoidant in the middle of our relationship because of his background. The attachment he developed as a child caused some trauma when difficult situations arises. The feeling of being safe and trusting others, he saw that as “too painful” to depend on others. Now he’s more comfortable in expressing his needs and emotional closeness towards me because of my own secure attachment towards him. I do agree that we have the power to change our attachment style, learning from our insecurities will lead to a better loving and supportive partnership. We can also find satisfaction in determining the rewards and costs that comes with the relationship, but having unrealistic rewards from one person can be damaging and can continue to harm the growth of the relationship’s attachment.
ReplyDeleteRelationship Commitment and the Investment Model
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this blog post, I was able to relate back to my past experience with my last relationship. When learning about the rewards and costs, one reward was knowing him from high school. When I moved to college and he came with me he was my safe place when I hadn’t made any friends yet freshmen year. A cost was that I wasn’t making any friends being with him 24/7. This decreased my level of satisfaction for keeping the relationship going with him. I could also relate to the avoidantly attached to the relationship but also very dependent on him. I agree with the idea of learning the power to earn secure attachments with people, which will help earn committed relationships with people.
Reading this blog was very interesting. I feel like i have an avoidant attachment because i have never been in a successful or long lasting relationship, therefore, i am always afraid of putting my feelings in someone else's hands and being hurt again. Although, i believe that there is a part of me open to starting a relationship with the right person. I agree that it is all up to the behavior you put towards your attachment style. I also agree that whatever mindset you have or behavior you portray towards relationships can either shape and/or change your attachment styles. I have a very positive and optimistic attitude in general, therefore, i always hope that one day i will be welcoming to a long lasting and serious relationship with a secure attachment style.
ReplyDeleteI thought that this blog was interesting to read. It is true that it depends on how much you are committed to someone, would depend on how happy you are in your relationships. It is all too common that after a good amount of time of being with someone, feelings of boredom or despair to be alone comes up. It can highly impact the relationship as well as the self-esteem of the person themselves. I have seen and experienced being in a relationship for a long amount of time and seeing others unhappy and interested in others, which can then result in infidelity or unhappiness and not knowing how to get out of it. It is important to understand what your attachment is and how it impacts how you feel about the individual, and possibly try to fix it before it becomes a toxic or unappealing relationship. The best way to be successful is to be fully aware of how you and your partner are feeling, and to be fully open about your feelings. There are so many factors to a relationships and being caring and aware of yourself is the best way to be successful.
ReplyDeleteBriana,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your insight, thoughts, and knowledge that you shared throughout this blog post. Relationship commitment is something that I often talk about with friends and the people around me that I walk and do life with. I am in a season of engagement, which is so sweet, but it has brought up a lot of questions from people that do not really know my finance and me. I think that their questions stem from insecure attachment and anxieties that come with someone who is more insecurely attached and all of the what if’s someone can think of. My finance has a securely attached attachment style and I do as well, and I think that this has aided us in a committed dating relationship and also in a season of engagement preparing for marriage.
Hi again Briana!
ReplyDeleteCommitment is a very important factor of relationship satisfaction in my experience. As I have learned being an HDFS major, the attachment style of a couple also has impacts on the way they communicate in a relationship. Communication can have impacts on the satisfaction of both parties in a relationship. Speaking from personal experience, the more communication in a relationship, the higher the satisfaction and commitment levels. If people with different attachment styles find it challenging to have a satisfying relationship, they may want to talk about ways to make communication better and therefore improving satisfaction.
I liked reading this article and learned a lot! I definitely think I used to be an avoidant attachment kind of girl. I held negative expectations for those who I was in relationships with. Due to this, relationships didn’t seem to last long because I was always thinking they wouldn’t last long in the first place. I agree with the statement that the pros and cones outweighing each other can change everyday. I definitely recognized this in previous relationships and it affected my outlook on the relationship everyday. I think that the statement that if we are satisfied and happy in our relationships, we will not be interested in other alternatives is so true. I think that every time I have felt dissatisfied in a relationship, I have been more interested in spending time with friends or spending time doing other things.
ReplyDeleteThis blog post was super interesting to read. When the author brought up costs and rewards, I instantly thought of social exchange theory. Are the investment model and social exchange theory related? The cost and reward way of thinking about relationship commitment made a lot of sense. I always wondered why my parents stayed together so many years because they were never really that happy and they were always fighting or bickering about one thing or another but their level of commitment was made stronger because of the number of things they had together and the number of years they were together. They had invested over 15 years with each other and had kids, cars, and a house together. They had a lot of shared security even if neither of them were necessarily happy which is most likely why they stayed together for as long as they did.
ReplyDeleteWhile reading this blog, I couldn't help but tie it back to the social exchange theory. When we feel like we are receiving what we are giving, we may have more positive attitudes toward the relationship. However, the moment we begin weighing our experiences in the relationship with more negatives, our relationship satisfaction is likely to go down. We are driven by what other people can give us, even if we aren't consciously aware of it. We want to know that when we are putting energy into a relationship, we are getting the same energy back. I've noticed with individuals I am close with, the moment they do not feel as satisfied with their relationship, they begin considering alternative partners. They usually do not seek those partners out, but for a moment they might wonder what it would be like to be with someone else. I believe in my own relationship, my partner and I had to work through a lot, so for a while, our relationship felt more negative than positive. I remember feeling exhausted frequently from the continuous negative interactions we were having- it almost got the point where I called for a break. However, in those hard moments, we made the decision to commit to each other regardless of the easier ways out. Now, we are the strongest we have ever been and both feel more secure in our relationship.
ReplyDeleteHearing you say that everyone has the ability to change their attachment style was very comforting to me as someone with an anxious attachment style. I've found myself feeling overwhelmed by fears of rejection and insecurity in relationships, as well as my partner falling out of love with me which I have seen take large tolls on my relationship. The idea that we can "earn" a secure attachment gives me hope that I can work to change my attachment style to something more secure. I understand that self-awareness can help me transform my attachment and empower me to create healthier connections and improve the incredible connections I already have. It’s reassuring to understand that change is possible, so I thank you for sharing your thoughts in this blog post.
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