We know from prior blog posts that individuals with a secure attachment style have more positive relationship tendencies and handle conflict better, but did you know that those of us with insecure attachment styles actually experience a more significant stress response when discussing conflict with our partners?1 The quality of a relationship influences our physical health in addition to our mental and emotional wellbeing.1 The significance is so strong that people in healthy marriages with secure attachment have better physical and emotional health, and even experience fewer declines as they age.1
This may sound like bad news for those of us that are insecurely attached, but we have to remember that it is possible to earn secure attachment and change our attachment style. There really is hope, just because we are insecurely attached at one point in our lives does not mean that we are doomed to remain that way!
Most of us experience an increase in the level of cortisol—or stress hormone—in our blood stream when we get into conflict with our partners. It is normal to feel higher levels of stress or concern while fighting with someone important to us. However, those of us with insecure attachment styles experience significantly higher levels of cortisol compared to those of us that are securely attached, which is important to note because prolonged exposure to high levels of cortisol can have negative effects on our physiological health and wellbeing.1
Those of us that are securely attached experience a less significant spike in our cortisol levels during conflict, and our cortisol levels return to normal much faster following a fight with our partner. These individuals are also better able to soothe their partner and solve conflict.1 This is consistent with the better emotional regulation and higher levels of partner support that are seen among those of us that are securely attached, and it provides a healthy goal for us all to work toward.
Those of us that are anxiously attached tend to experience relationship conflict as being more distressing than those of us that are avoidantly or securely attached. Male partners that are anxiously attached experience significantly higher levels of cortisol during and following fights with their partners, when compared to males with any other type of attachment.1
The most significant stress response in women is seen among those with male partners that are avoidantly attached.1 This phenomenon in women is unique to most other attachment findings, as our partner’s attachment style can play a larger role in our stress response than our own attachment style does.1 This also indicates that women are generally more closely attuned to their partner’s emotions and behaviors than men.1
Differences in gender aside, those of us that are anxiously attached still tend to have the most significant stress response, with avoidantly attached individuals following closely behind.1 This is all important to know because it can offer an explanation for our response to conflict, and it can also help us to better empathize with our partners while experiencing conflict.1 For those of us with partners that are insecurely attached, it is important to be responsive, gentle, loving, and patient with our partners, even during conflict. This can be challenging, but it is a good goal to work toward, and it can help to build secure attachment, which fosters the healthiest relationships, and can even improve one’s physical health.1
I asked one friend in a long-term committed relationship about any changes that she has noticed in her stress levels when she and her partner get into conflict now compared to when they first started dating and she recounted her experiences:
“In the 2.5 years we've been together, I have noticed us both becoming more comfortable with conflict, being able to talk about things without yelling or getting easily offended… with each fight, each opportunity to learn, and the more time we have together, the anxiety surrounding disagreements and fights and conflict does go down and makes our relationship stronger and the communication better.”
This friend is now securely attached, but recalls demonstrating anxiously-attached behaviors at the beginning of the relationship, providing a success story that proves that it is possible to change one’s attachment style and earn secure attachment.
The most important thing to remember in all of this is that you have the power to change your attachment style. Just because you are insecurely attached now does not mean that you will be this way for the rest of your life, and merely being aware of one’s tendencies allows us to work toward a more secure attachment style. It is important to be patient with yourself and with your partner as you work toward secure attachment behaviors, as these changes do not occur overnight, and it can take a lot of hard work to get there. But, with a little elbow-grease and a lot of love, we can all earn secure attachment.
1Brooks, K. P., Robles, T. F., & Schetter, C. D. (2011). Adult attachment and cortisol responses to discussions with a romantic partner. Personal Relationships, 18(2), 302–320. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/j.1475 6811.2011.01357.x
This was so interesting and informative, and I'm glad I got to read your blog! Difficulty with conflict is definitely something that I have experienced. Being a people pleaser, it's difficult to bring about issues or feelings that I am experiencing. I have gotten better with this, however, as I have gotten older! One thing I always need to remind myself it that conflict is not necessarily a bad thing, and is something that happens in many relationships (both romantic, familial, and friends!). Communication is important to ensure that everyone is getting their thoughts out and is on the same page. I do think that a majority of conflict is a lack of or miscommunication. Knowing that one can change their attachment style, especially if the work is put in, is definitely comforting and good information to know! Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI do agree that it is possible to earn secure attachment. I believe that if we are insecure or avoidant attachment, it can bring damage and harm to individuals. Stress is a major factor that contributes to our overall health. I myself have experienced difficulties with conflict and find conflict to be stressful. Attachment styles have a lot to do with how we react to stress and conflict and it knowing how to change our attachment style can also change the way we react to situations and overall change our lifestyle. Thank you for providing information on different attachment styles.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reminding everyone that insecure attachment styles are not the end all be all. There is always a way to work towards a secure attachment style. I have an anxious attachment style and I can totally see where my stress levels are much higher during conflict than they should be. In my next relationship, I plan on addressing ways in which we need to handle conflict to hopefully avoid elevated cortisol levels. I appreciate you pointing out the negative impacts these high levels of stress can have on our overall well-being. This serves as a great reminder for me to work on my ways of coping with stress and continue to work towards a secure attachment style.
ReplyDeleteHi!
ReplyDeleteI found this post to be very informative and interesting! Throughout my whole life and within relationships, I always knew that conflict gives me an enormous amount of stress. Reading this post, I was able to make a lot more sense as to why my avoidant attachment style may cause me to have much higher stress levels than other attachment styles. While you mentioned that anxious attachment styles hold the most significant stress response, it did not surprise me that avoidantly attachment individuals were close behind. Knowing this, it is something that I want to take into further conflict and try and manage a lot better. Stress is something that can be detrimental to health and relationship in total.