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Wednesday, September 11, 2019

Attracting a Partner

We have talked at length on this blog about how having a secure attachment style makes it easier to facilitate a healthy romantic relationship, but being securely attached also helps us to attract potential partners.1 It’s no secret that the majority of us are drawn to individuals who we perceive to be emotionally healthy. When we imagine a partner that we would like to end up with, most of us would describe them as having qualities such as being reliable, warm, trusting, and secure, which are all characteristics of those with a secure attachment style.1 But, as we know, many of us are not securely attached, and those of us with insecure attachment styles are still able to attract partners. This raises the question, what qualities allow insecurely attached individuals to attract partners?

It turns out that individuals who are insecurely attached possess many traits that are seen as desirable, despite our less optimal attachment style. Individuals that are anxiously attached are often initially perceived as being more caring, interested, and attentive to potential partners than individuals with different attachment styles, which can be extremely appealing.1 These individuals are also more likely to disclose personal information, which can make them come across as more communicative than those who are securely attached. 

Avoidantly-attached individuals are often appealing because they are seen as highly self-sufficient and independent, which are personality traits that are highly desirable in Western culture.1 Those of us who are avoidantly attached also tend to focus on the positive while minimizing unpleasantness during interactions, and we often use humor to keep interactions upbeat. These traits cause avoidantly attached individuals to be perceived as easy-going, upbeat, and low-maintenance. All of these qualities can be seen as desirable and help to attract potential partners. 

These behaviors are often played up by those of us with insecure attachment styles. I know that when I first start out in relationships, I will often attempt to appear more aloof and independent so that I don’t come across as “clingy,” which means not texting as often as I might want to, and deliberately allowing my partner to be the first to initiate contact. However, I have often found myself wanting to initiate contact, despite choosing not to, thus playing up my avoidant attachment style. 

I asked one friend that is anxiously attached about her experiences early on in the dating process, and she reflected on her experiences:

“I definitely come off a little strong at first, I really like to open up and learn as much as I can about my partner at the beginning of relationships. Most guys I have been with have liked how attentive I am, but sometimes I do have to dial it back a bit.”

Being aware of these trends in behavior allows us to become more self-aware and mindful of whether we are engaging in insecure attachment behaviors, or false self-presentation, and it also allows us to be more aware of these behaviors in others.1 Everyone engages in false self-presentation to a degree when attempting to attract a new partner, but there are times where it can be damaging to the relationship at a later date. If an individual pretends to be a completely different person than they truly are to attract a partner, conflict is bound to happen down the line when this false self-presentation is revealed. 

However, this is nothing to be afraid of, as we are not confined to one attachment style for life. Just because we might present with these insecure attachment behaviors does not mean that we are doomed. We have the ability to develop a secure attachment style, and being aware of our behaviors is the first step toward establishing healthier patterns.

1 Brumbaugh, C. C., & Fraley, R. C. (2010). Adult attachment and dating strategies: How do insecure people attract mates? Personal Relationships17(4), 599–614. 
https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01304.x


5 comments:

  1. Hi Briana, I have always wondered how my attachment style can help or hinder the relationship I have with my partner. I thought this post was interesting because having an anxious attachment style myself, I view it as bad or worse than secure attachment. So I try to hide the anxious part of myself, I try to not overthink every little thing, and try to not put lots of meaning into simple things that partner does or says. I never thought of having an anxious attachment style as something with desirable traits which a partner would want in a relationship. Now that I think about it, I am very attentive to the needs of my partner. I am intuitive to his emotions, likes or dislikes before he even tells me what he thinks or feels. I think that having an anxious attachment style is not that bad after all.

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  2. I was very intrigued by this blog post Brianna. I have never really thought about how my attachment style might affect me in the dating process, but I will from now on. My attachment style is a lot like yours because when I meet someone new, I find myself doing less even when I want to do more. I try to avoid being clingy or seem too anxious. By doing this I never know if it helps or hurts the relationship formation, but it definitely protects my ego and self esteem when the new relationship doesn’t progress the way I thought it would.

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  3. Briana, This post explains how individuals who are in a secure relationship often make it easier to attract good potentially new partners, often people are drawn to emotionally healthy individuals who possess characteristics of those of a secure attachment style. When reading this post, I was relating this post to my own experiences. I personally come on very strong at first, wanting to express my entire personality all at once. Often when I am around someone I am interested in or find attractive, I am very sarcastic and will try to be as funny as possible for them to like my personality. Usually, after a while, I will dial it down after I become comfortable with the person.

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  4. I do believe it’s true that people are very attracted to confident people and when people are in a healthy state of mind, everyone’s happy. I’ve never really realized how my attachment style traits can benefit and be desirable in relationships. As a more anxiously attached person, I related to the tendencies of being more caring, interested, and attentive to potential partners rather than someone who has a more secure attachment style. I also tend to try and come across as more of a chill and go-with-the-flow type of gal when first developing relationships when in reality, that’s not always how I am/want to be. I also think that when I was younger, I wasn’t aware of these tendencies in my behavior and I scared off a lot of boys.

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  5. This article is interesting because it shed light on the fact that most people what to eventually end up with someone who is securely attached but most people are not securely attached. We hope that as insecurely attached people get older, they earn a secure attachment but that isn’t always the case. I know that when I first started my most current relationship, I tried to make myself seem less clingy and more okay with being physically separated for long periods of time even though I have an anxious attachment and need a bit more reassurance and closeness than the average person. I was afraid that my new partner would find me unappealing if I came off as too clingy and he would leave before getting to know me. I completely related to the anxiously attached friend that the author interviewed for this blog post.

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