Earning Secure Attachment

If you’ve been following along with me throughout these blog posts, then you’ll know that this is my long-awaited final post on earning secure attachment. Throughout these posts we have discussed the many ways that insecure attachment can negatively impact our physical and emotional health, our trends in behavior, our relationship satisfaction, and even our drug and alcohol use.2 In this post, we will explore the journey of earning secure attachment, and the research behind it.

In my prior posts I have tried to emphasize that we hold the power, and that we are not doomed to live a lesser life just because we might have developed an insecure attachment style to our parents in childhood. I myself was avoidantly-attached growing up, and I have since been working toward a secure attachment style. I am a work in progress, and I still have moments where I find myself reverting to my old tendencies, such as leaving the room during conflict when I should stay and work it out. But, the important thing that I try to remind myself—and that we should all remember—is that knowing about our tendencies and the effects that they can have empowers us to change our behaviors and work toward trusting both ourselves—and those around us—a little more, scary as it might be. 

We have talked at length about the negative impacts of insecure attachment, but let’s focus a little more on the benefits of secure attachment. After all, it’s a lot of work to earn secure attachment, so we should be sure it’s worth it first. Those with secure attachments tend to have healthier and overall more satisfying friendships and relationships.2 Secure attachment styles are associated with more positive interpersonal expectations compared to those of us with insecure attachment styles, as well as higher self-esteem, increased self-reflection, better coping skills, and a general belief that we are worthy of love.2 

I talked to one classmate who earned secure attachment with her partner about her journey from being anxiously-attached to securely attached, and she related the following: 

“It was a long journey, and I had to consciously make the choice not to perpetuate my anxious behaviors. I would now say that I am securely attached, but I was very much insecurely attached at the beginning of my relationship, and my partner has helped me a lot with that. He does a good job of calling me out on my behavior and working with me to engage in healthier behaviors. I think finding someone that accepts you unconditionally and is willing to work with you helps so much. It’s really hard to make the choices to engage in healthier behaviors, and it’s much easier to stay in your comfort zone and continue your old patterns, but it really does pay off.”

To understand attachment security in adulthood, we must go back to the formation in childhood. We form our first attachment bonds to our primary caregivers, typically our parents, and these bonds are formed primarily during times of distress, but are reinforced over time.1 For example, when a child who becomes securely attached cries, their caregivers respond quickly to comfort them, and continue to respond predictably.1 For a child who becomes avoidantly-attached, they might cry and find that they get little or no response from their caregivers, which teaches them that it is not safe to rely on others.1 For a child who is anxiously-attached, they might cry and have a parent who responds unpredictably, responding warmly at times, but overwhelming them or providing them with low levels of attention at other times.1 This leads to challenges with emotional regulation and expression later in life by teaching insecurely attached individuals that it is not safe to trust others.

Adult attachment theory posits that as we grow up, we will continue to project the beliefs that we developed from our caregivers onto other close adult relationships, either anticipating that others will be dependable and safe, or that others will be unpredictable or unreliable.2 These bonds and beliefs also shape our sense of worth, and our attachment security can even differ across relationships. Thus, we might be securely attached to our best friend but avoidantly attached to our partner, making it a very complicated process that varies between each individual.2

Research on the exact path to earning secure attachment is still fairly limited, however, there seem to be some key elements involved with earning secure attachment. The first is that we are better able to earn secure attachment when we have less rigid ideas about ourselves and others.2 Thus, if we believe wholeheartedly that we are broken and doomed to never trust anyone, then we are less likely to change. But, if we believe that we are capable of change and are not trapped in our negative patterns, we are much more likely to earn secure attachment.2 Therapy has also been cited as a helpful tool to assist us, but the most important steps toward earning secure attachment, according to this method, are developing new coping methods, improving communication skills, and adopting healthier methods of interacting.2 The second (and often co-occuring) path through which people gain secure attachment is by having an alternate support figure; this might be a reliable partner, friend, or family member, or it could even be a trusted therapist that provides them with a healthy, stable attachment figure.2 

Thus, the most important steps we can take to earn secure attachment involve intentionally reflecting on ourselves, developing healthier patterns and behaviors, and finding and cultivating positive and healthy relationships. Nearly 1 in 4 people earn secure attachment, and that number increases when we make a conscious effort to practice healthier behaviors.2 So, it is hard, but it is doable. The findings do not mean that everyone who is insecurely attached needs to see a therapist, merely that it can be of benefit to some people. These findings also don’t mean that you have to follow a particular path to earn secure attachment, but these have just been found to be the most common steps for people to take. But most of all, remember that you hold the power to change your attachment style and transform your life. 

1Cooke, J. E., Kochendorfer, L. B., Stuart-Parrigon, K. L., Koehn, A. J., & Kerns, K. A. (2019). Parent–child attachment and children’s experience and regulation of emotion: A meta-analytic review. Emotion, 19(6), 1103–1126. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1037/emo0000504

2Dansby Olufowote, R. A., Fife, S. T., Schleiden, C., & Whiting, J. B. (2019). How can I become more secure?: A grounded theory of earning secure attachment. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/jmft.12409

Physical Health

We’ve talked on this blog before about the impact that our attachment style can have on us physically, and we explored the effect that our attachment style can have on our stress levels and cortisol responses during conflict, which you can read about here: https://helpmeimlovesick.blogspot.com/2019/09/stress-levels-during-conflict.html. But, did you know that insecure attachment styles can impact our physical health in other ways, such as increasing our risk of coronary artery disease, and demonstrating a statistically significant shortening of our telomeres (the structures at the end of our chromosomes that impact aging)? All of which can result in a decreased lifespan for those of us that are insecurely attached. 

This is the point in the post where I would like to remind you all not to be afraid. We are not inherently doomed. When we are insecurely attached in childhood and it extends to our adult attachment style, or when we have negative experiences early on in our dating lives, it might feel like we were set up to fail, and the wide-ranging influence of adult attachment on our lives and our wellbeing can feel overwhelming. 

If I just described how you’re feeling, then please know that you do not need to be afraid. These are general trends and do not necessarily extend to everyone, and the impacts of an insecure attachment style also depends on the attachment style of one’s partner.¹ Our attachment security can also fluctuate between relationships, so we might be securely attached to our parents, for instance, but insecurely attached to our romantic partner, which influences the health effects.¹ We also have the ability to earn secure attachment and transform our lives, and the more aware we are of our attachment style, and the more we make cognizant efforts to develop healthy patterns, the more likely we are to actually earn secure attachment.¹ If you’re intrigued by this and want to learn more, stay tuned for next week’s post where we’ll explore the topic of earning secure attachment at length. 

As we have touched on before, supportive and high-quality relationships have been consistently linked to better health.² Our attachment style is closely tied to how we regulate our emotions and our affect, particularly relating to the emotions we experience when we feel threatened. Our strategies for affect regulation significantly impact our emotional health, which is linked to our perceptions of and behavior in close relationships, as well as our ability to regulate our emotions and engage in either health-protective or health-damaging behaviors.²

This makes our attachment style particularly relevant for our physical health, because being insecurely attached predisposes you to be more likely to engage in health-damaging behaviors such as increased drug and alcohol use—as you can read about on the blog here: https://helpmeimlovesick.blogspot.com/2019/10/drinking-habits.htmland here: https://helpmeimlovesick.blogspot.com/2019/11/marijuana-use.html riskier sexual behavior, poorer eating habits, and less exercise.² Avoidant attachment is also linked with less seatbelt use, and less frequent use of healthcare services.² Insecure attachment styles are also correlated with increased cardiovascular reactivity to changes in emotion from one’s partner and decreased immune function.² These factors can all add up to decrease the lifespan of insecurely attached individuals, negatively impacting our health. 

Those of us who are lucky enough to be securely attached do not experience the same health risks, and actually experience health benefits from having healthy, supportive, and close relationships.² It is something that we can all strive for, and trusting in one’s partner can significantly impact almost every area of our health and wellbeing.²

Individuals with earned secure attachment experience the same health benefits, and I spoke to one friend who managed to overcome his anxious attachment and earn secure attachment with his fiancée, and he described the following changes in his health behaviors:

“Before I was in my current relationship, I did not have any concept of self-care, and without a positive reinforcement in my life, things like wearing my seat belt and maintaining a healthy lifestyle (diet, exercise, etc.) were not priorities to me in any sense. Once I found myself in a healthy relationship with my partner, I did a complete 180. Having somebody teach me self-love and constantly reinforce to me how valued I was shifted my perspective, and made me realize that I owed it not only to myself to remain healthy, but to my partner as well. Since then, I’ve made quite a few changes. I’ve stopped smoking, begun routines of exercise and healthy diet, and have become a much safer driver. All it took was a relationship which made me feel valued and secure.”

At this point, I would like to reiterate that these are merely correlations and will not be true for everyone. Our partners’ attachment style plays a role in the health effects and the way we process our own emotions, and these correlations are not necessarily true for everyone. But, most of all, we have the power to change our attachment style and transform our lives, as we will talk about in the next and final post, so stay tuned because you won’t want to miss it. 

¹Dansby Olufowote, R. A., Fife, S. T., Schleiden, C., & Whiting, J. B. (2019). How can I become more secure?: A grounded theory of earning secure attachment. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/jmft.12409

²Pietromonaco, P., & Beck, L. (2019). Adult attachment and physical health. Current Opinion in Psychology, 25, 115–120. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2018.04.004

Facebook Use

Social media sites such as Facebook have gained popularity in recent years, leading many to wonder about the effects of maintaining relationships online, and in some cases partially replacing face-to-face contact with online communication. If you’ve been following along with the blog for some time now, you probably won’t be surprised to learn that our attachment style even impacts the manner in which we use Facebook. Social media sites such as Facebook are thought to provide a sense of closeness and belonging that satisfies attachment needs for those of us who are insecurely attached, allowing us to engage (or disengage) as much as we feel necessary.¹ Thus, Facebook serves different functions for those of us with different attachment styles.

Those of us that are anxiously attached have grown to expect fear and rejection from others, and so we are particularly diligent and skilled at detecting cues for rejection, and we are especially sensitive to any form of criticism.¹ Those of us that are anxiously attached are therefore more concerned about how other Facebook users such as friends, family, or romantic partners, might perceive us.¹ This can lead us to spend more time on Facebook, checking comments from other users and generally worrying about if others will view us positively.¹Anxiously-attached individuals have also been shown to use Facebook more often to alleviate their feelings of loneliness, which indicates that the frequency of their Facebook use could be influenced by their mood.¹ It has even been shown that when anxiously-attached individuals are in a bad mood, they are more likely to use Facebook to connect to others in an effort to improve their mood.¹

Those of us that are avoidantly attached generally tend to avoid developing close relationships with others, and are more likely to socially isolate ourselves.¹ This is unsurprising when considering the finding that avoidantly-attached individuals are less likely to use Facebook often, are less likely to be transparent and open on their profiles, and are less likely to like or enjoy using Facebook.¹ However, despite being autonomous and generally reluctant to share emotions, those of us who are avoidantly attached are still more likely than securely-attached individuals to have concern over how others view us on Facebook.¹

Those of us who are securely attached generally have high levels of social and emotional communication, are outgoing, sociable, and use Facebook in an overwhelmingly positive way.¹ Securely attached individuals are happy to have others view their Facebook profile, feel proud of their profile, and generally enjoy using Facebook.¹Those of us who are securely attached are also less likely to use Facebook as a tool to improve our mood—unlike anxiously attached individuals—and generally use Facebook as it was intended; to supplement our existing relationships in the real world.¹

I spoke to one securely-attached friend about her Facebook use and she described the following:

“I am very open online and don’t hide who I am, what you see is what you get. I mainly use [Facebook] to catch up with friends and family and even to connect with other people who have similar interests as me. I think some people like to put on a front and try to appear a certain way online, but I’ve never felt like I’ve had to do that.”

At this point I would like to remind you all that we all have the power to change our attachment style and earn secure attachment. We are not doomed to perpetuate any negative patterns of behavior that we might have adopted, and we need never feel hopeless. If you are interested in learning more about earning secure attachment, stay tuned for an upcoming post where we’ll explore it in detail. 

¹Oldmeadow, J. A., Quinn, S., & Kowert, R. (2013). Attachment style, social skills, and Facebook use amongst adults. Computers in Human Behavior, 29(3), 1142–1149. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1016/j.chb.2012.10.006

Marijuana Use

As we’ve talked about before on the blog, our attachment style can influence our drinking habits and alcohol use, which you can read about here:

https://helpmeimlovesick.blogspot.com/2019/10/drinking-habits.html

But, many of us—particularly those of us who live in states where recreational or medical marijuana has been legalized—may be curious about the effects of our attachment style on marijuana use as it relates to our romantic relationships. 

With drinking habits, the most significant increase in use is observed among those of us with anxious attachment styles, and it turns out that the same holds true for marijuana use. For those of us with anxious attachment styles who are already marijuana users, we are far more likely to demonstrate stress-attributed marijuana use.1 It is important to distinguish that having an anxious attachment style does not make you more likely to start using marijuana, but rather if a person with an anxious attachment style is already using marijuana, then they are far more likely to use it for the specific reason of relieving stress.1 

This stress-attributed use is most dramatically related to relationship anxiety, which those of us with anxious attachment styles are much more likely to experience frequently.1 This makes those of us with an anxious attachment style far more likely to use marijuana as a coping mechanism to soothe our relationship anxiety when we have fears about abandonment or lack of closeness with our partners.1 More specifically, fear of abandonment, which is strongly associated with anxious attachment, appears to be one of the most significant predictors of marijuana use.1 Thus, when those of us who are anxiously attached begin to fear abandonment from a partner, we are much more likely to turn to alcohol or marijuana to cope.

I asked one anxiously attached friend about his experience with using marijuana to cope with relationship anxiety and he described the following:

“Sometimes when I just feel like we are on different wavelengths or we can’t seem to connect for whatever reason I get really freaked out about the state of our relationship. It can be normal, everyday communication stuff and I just get so scared that we won’t work it out and I’ll lose her, and then I get worried about being too clingy. Sometimes I’ll smoke [marijuana] just to clear my head and keep my mind from spinning so much.”

Interestingly, those of us that are avoidantly-attached do not demonstrate the same increase in substance and marijuana use as those of us that are anxiously-attached.1 Marijuana use is significantly correlated with fear of abandonment, and those of us with avoidant attachment do not report fearing abandonment as much as those of us who are anxiously attached (perhaps we’ve just buried that fear more deeply and do not admit to it on surveys).. This is interesting to note, because those of us with avoidant attachment were shown to use alcohol to cope with our fears surrounding emotional intimacy, but marijuana was not observed to be used in the same way.1 

Those with secure attachment do not experience the same correlation and patterns of drug or alcohol use that are seen in those of us that are insecurely-attached, as secure individuals are less likely to experience fears of abandonment or fears of emotional intimacy.1 People with secure attachment styles have the emotional toolbox, so to speak, to discuss feelings and adopt healthier coping mechanisms for emotional distress.1

Another significant area of correlation with marijuana use has to do with self-esteem, which transcends all attachment styles and is true among all of us.1 Those of us with lower self-esteem are more likely to engage in marijuana use as a coping mechanism and a means of escape when the feelings of self-deprecation get to be too much to bear.1 

There is still limited research into the effects of marijuana use and attachment, but I am sure that there will be more extensive research as the drug continues to gain popularity and becomes legalized in more states. But even with these preliminary findings, it’s vital to remember that we are not trapped in our negative patterns of behavior. If anything mentioned above sounds like you, you don’t need to feel hopeless or upset. We all have the ability to change our attachment styles and our patterns of behavior, we can earn secure attachment if we are willing to work for it. If you want to learn more about this, stay tuned for an upcoming blog post about earning secure attachment. 

1Kassel, J., Wardle, M., & Roberts, J. (2007). Adult attachment security and college student 

substance use. Addictive Behaviors, 32(6), 1164–1176. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.addbeh.2006.08.005

Relationship Commitment and the Investment Model

Across all attachment types, one fact remains true for all of us: the level of commitment we have significantly impacts our relationship satisfaction. The investment model describes our commitment to a relationship, using factors such as: satisfaction level, alternative partners, and investments in our relationship as predictors of commitment.² This model shows that if we are happy in our relationship, do not have alternatives that seem more appealing, and if we have invested large amounts of time, energy, or other resources into the relationship, that we are more likely to be committed.²

Our satisfaction is determined by the rewards and costs that are associated with our relationship, and our overall commitment can be defined as our motivation to maintain a relationship based on our level of satisfaction. When the number of rewards exceeds the number of costs, we are more likely to experience satisfaction. This is fairly intuitive, but the number of costs and rewards can change even within the same day. We tend to be happier with our relationships on the days where the rewards significantly outweigh the costs, and our evaluation of the costs and rewards of a relationship are shaped by our attachment styles.²

For those of us that are insecurely attached, our attachment style influences our experience of relationship investment. Having a strong investment in a relationship can help to tie us to our partners, and it allow us to feel more satisfied by feeling closer to our partners.² Those of us with anxious attachment styles are likely to experience a strong desire to merge with another person and forge a strong bond, even when considering our fears surrounding rejection.³ This means that those of us with anxious attachment styles are more likely than those of us with avoidant attachment to experience high levels of commitment.

I asked one friend that is anxiously attached about her experience with commitment levels and investment in her relationship, and she described the following:

“I definitely notice us to be more invested in each other and our relationship when we are feeling anxious about the relationship. Not to say we aren't now even though I feel secure, but I think when there's unrest or a feeling of anxiety related to attachment or the relationship I notice myself focusing a lot of my energy on the relationship probably in an effort to get back to that feeling of security.”

For those of us that are avoidantly attached, we tend to have more negative expectations for others, causing us to be less interested in committing to relationships.² We tend to fear becoming dependent on others, which makes us less likely to be interested in forming committed relationships.³ Alternately, those of us that are securely attached tend to have positive opinions and expectations of others, we are comfortable getting close to others, and are likely to invest in a romantic relationship and practice healthy behaviors while doing so.²

The good news, and what we all need to remember, is that we have the power to change our attachment style, earn secure attachment, and form committed relationships. A recent study found that nearly 1 in 4 people are able to earn secure attachment, a number that increases when we are aware of our patterns and make an effort to change.¹We do not have to perpetuate the same negative patterns of behavior, we have the power to change our lives and transform our relationships, and the first step begins with becoming aware of our patterns and making an effort to develop healthier behaviors. Another hopeful fact is that across all attachment styles, it remains true that relationship commitment is related to our level of satisfaction. Thus, no matter if we are more anxiously or avoidantly attached, if we are more committed, we are more likely to be happy in our relationship. And if both parties are happy and want to make a relationship work and last, then it is likely that it will.

¹Dansby Olufowote, R. A., Fife, S. T., Schleiden, C., & Whiting, J. B. (2019). How can I become more secure?: A grounded theory of earning secure attachment. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/jmft.12409

²Etcheverry, P. E., Le, B., Wu, T.-F., & Wei, M. (2013). Attachment and the investment model: Predictors of relationship commitment, maintenance, and persistence. Personal Relationships, 20(3), 546–567. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2012.01423.x

³Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment process and couple functioning (Chapter 10). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed., pp. 299-346). New York: Guilford Press. 

Relationship Satisfaction

As we have touched on before on this blog, our attachment style can influence our relationship satisfaction, with those of us that are insecurely attached generally reporting less satisfaction in our relationships. This may be disheartening for those of us that are insecurely attached, however we should really view it as good news, because it means that we have the ability to earn secure attachment and change our attachment styles. This one change could, in turn, help us to become more satisfied in our relationships, and even improve our overall wellbeing. 

Insecure-avoidant attachment is characterized by feeling less comfortable with intimacy, and by being less likely to seek out close relationships. Those of us that are insecurely attached are more likely to be self-sufficient, and we show more discomfort with emotional closeness.1 Individuals with avoidant attachment styles enter into relationships much less frequently, and when we do, we are more likely to experience commitment aversion.1 Those of us that are avoidantly attached generally report lower rates of relationship satisfaction, as we have a harder time opening up and connecting with our partners. Those of us that are avoidantly attached also report less overall wellbeing, as we generally do not harness social support, which can contribute to rates of depression.1 

I asked one avoidantly-attached friend about their experience earning secure attachment with their longtime partner and how their relationship satisfaction changed over time and they described their relationship as such:

“We were ‘together’ for almost a year before I finally felt comfortable taking the next step and labeling it because I’d been hurt pretty badly recently and didn’t want to rebound or open myself back up to that pain unnecessarily… [transitioning to a long-distance relationship] forced us to get comfortable because it was going to be really hard either way, but it would have been impossible if we weren’t on the same page and didn’t trust each other. And it’s been hard obviously, but only because I miss them and not because I’m terrified that they’re going to leave me or cheat on me or anything.”

Insecure-anxious attachment is characterized by a high desire for intimacy and closeness, but a persistent fear that something might go wrong. Those of us that are anxiously attached are more likely to experience feelings of jealousy, chronic fear of abandonment, and fear of being rejected.1 These negative emotions can lead to decreased relationship satisfaction for those of us that are anxiously attached, and can lead to feeling as though we can never get too comfortable in a relationship, despite our intense desire for closeness.1 

One of my close friends who recently got engaged was discussed how moving in together allowed him to finally let go of some of his anxiously attached tendencies and become more securely attached to his fiancée: 

“My partner and I started our relationship off as close friends, and I would definitely say that at first, we were insecurely attached. Because of the existing dynamic of our friendship, we constantly worried about doing something to harm the friendship, and personally I feel that at times, I let this worry prevent me from taking the necessary steps to build and strengthen our relationship. We eventually moved in together, and that alone was the turning point in our relationship, I would say. I immediately noticed a difference, and she went from my friend who I was dating to my partner who I was friends with. I no longer worried about upsetting or altering our friendship, because I knew our relationship was strong enough to withstand any changes.”

Both of these individuals have success stories about earning secure attachment. They prove that it is possible to alter one’s attachment style and change our insecure attachment behaviors to develop a secure attachment.

Those of us that are securely attached are comfortable with intimacy, and they find it easy to get close to other people. They do not share the same negative feelings or fears as insecurely attached individuals, and thus those of us that are securely attached report higher levels of relationship satisfaction.1 This is true across cultures, even among individuals from Western and Eastern cultures.1 It is surprising to see that there are such similarities across the world, especially when comparing individualistic versus collectivistic societies.

One personality trait that is correlated with relationship satisfaction, independent of attachment style is personal commitment, or our desire for a particular partner and a particular relationship.1 For those of us with strong personal commitment, we report significantly higher rates of relationship satisfaction.1 This is yet another fact that should bring us all hope, because it means that if we want to continue to be in a particular relationship, that we are more likely to be satisfied in our relationship. It sounds simple, but it is unifying across all attachment styles. 

It is also important to remember, as always, that we have the power to change our attachment style, and we can earn a secure attachment style and find more relationship satisfaction if we are aware of our tendencies and work toward healthier patterns. 

1Ho, M., Chen, S., Bond, M., Hui, C., Chan, C., & Friedman, M. (2012). Linking Adult Attachment 

Styles to Relationship Satisfaction in Hong Kong and the United States: The Mediating

Role of Personal and Structural Commitment. Journal of Happiness Studies, 13(3), 565–578. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1007/s10902-011-9279-1