Should my Ex be my Enemy?
A primary area of debate in the topic of relationships is whether we should be friends with our ex. Perhaps the most dreaded sentiment of a breakup: “We can still be friends.” Some of us would say they would rather be hit by a truck than be friends with our ex. Others of us may maintain strong friendships with several of our past love interests. On the other hand, a good majority of us struggle with the choice to cut all ties with our ex or maintain a casual friendship. A pervasive idea portrayed in modern society is that “there’s no such thing as being just friends with an ex.”
Especially in college, maintaining friendship with an ex is a choice many of us are faced with. Generally, individuals have mutual friend groups, interests, and activities that might include a past romantic partner. In some cases, maintaining a friendship with this person may create a less awkward and stressful dynamic in social situations. On the other hand, being friends with an ex can reignite potent emotions and create unnecessary turmoil. I talked to some people on both ends of the spectrum. One of my friends mentioned:
“I dated my ex girlfriend for about a year and a half. We had a pretty cordial breakup,
and we’re still friends. It makes it a lot easier to hang out with our friend group when I
don’t have to worry about the awkwardness or tension. For me, I think it creates less
drama than trying to completely avoid each other.”
A research study conducted on 186 college students’ current relationship with their former partner would argue that my friend’s experience is reflective of their findings.1 The results of the study found that individuals who received more positive resources from the friendship with their ex had higher friendship quality than those who received less resources from maintaining a friendship with their ex.1 Essentially, individuals who received things such as love, status, services, or convenience from the friendship likely had higher friendship quality. In this case, my friend maintains emotional and social benefits by remaining friends with his ex. In turn, the friendship quality is also higher.
On the other hand, one of the people I interviewed explained that she maintains no friendships with any of her ex partners, and she is perfectly happy with that. The same study of college students discussed above also indicated that many individuals have high satisfaction despite low frequency of resources and low friendship quality from an ex. As research describes, individuals, like my friend, can be completely content with the dissolution of a friendship with their past partner if their expectations and circumstances related to the relationship align.
One of the most problematic aspects of remaining friends with an ex can be the disapproval of friends and family. I can say from experience, that many of my friendships with my ex partners have been difficult because my friends and family did not approve. Researchers indicate that barriers such as disapproval by a social support system can contribute to an inability to maintain a stable friendship with a past partner. Another example of a barrier is having a new partner. Many individuals find that they are unable to maintain their friendship with their ex once they begin a new relationship.²
So is it wrong to not want to come near your ex with a ten foot pole? Not necessarily. Is it a death sentence to try to keep that snapchat streak with the person you casually dated for a few months? I would say no. The most important thing to consider when deciding to stay friends with an ex is what the friendship would positively contribute to both of your lives, and whether you would be satisfied. When you begin to think the negatives may outweigh the positives, it may be helpful to let the relationship go to experience new opportunities.
¹Busboom, A. L., Collins, D. M., Givertz, M. D., & Levin, L. A. (2002). Can we still be friends? Resources and barriers to friendship quality after romantic relationship dissolution. Personal Relationships, 9(2), 215-223.
²Villella, S. (2010). Broken up but not broken: Satisfaction, adjustment, and communication in post-dissolutional relationships. Communication and Theater Association of Minnesota Journal, 37(1), 3.
¹Busboom, A. L., Collins, D. M., Givertz, M. D., & Levin, L. A. (2002). Can we still be friends? Resources and barriers to friendship quality after romantic relationship dissolution. Personal Relationships, 9(2), 215-223.
²Villella, S. (2010). Broken up but not broken: Satisfaction, adjustment, and communication in post-dissolutional relationships. Communication and Theater Association of Minnesota Journal, 37(1), 3.
I think remaining friends with your ex is close to impossible. My reasoning behind this is that there a many new boundaries to establish once you are broken up. For example, is it appropriate to talk to each other or how often. Do the couple still hang out. Do you guys talk about their dating? It also keeps you in the cycle where you can never fully move on from the relationship. Being cordial is an exception but most relationships do not end on a good note.
ReplyDeleteI think you can still be friends with an ex. However, it completely depends on the nature of the relationship and how the breakup went down. I am personally still friends with my ex even with some disapproval from friends. My ex and I have very similar lifestyles, we work out at the same gym, we are in a couple of the same classes. So it would be difficult to not stay friendly with each other. We bring a lot of good into each others lives even if its not a romantic relationship anymore. I think this friendliness is possible because our relationship started as a strong friendship, and the breakup was not dramatic or hurtful. If things had gone badly then it would have been harder to remain friends.
ReplyDeleteI think that it is possible to remain friends with your ex, however I would argue that it depends on the nature of your relationship and also the breakup. For example, my last breakup was a terrible experience and completely out of the blue. I did not receive closure from it and there is no way I would ever want to be friends with that ex of mine. I think that my life would be easier if we were still on cordial terms, due to mutual friend and social groups, however I am still happy that I don't have to interact or see him all the time. My friends are very respectful of this, and they do their best not to place me in any awkward situations with him on purpose. I can see the pros and cons to both as long as both individuals have moved on from the relationship and are happy in retrospect.
ReplyDeleteWhen it comes to maintaining friendships with an ex, I think it totally depends on the reasons for breaking up and the positive or negative feelings towards that person after you split. I think the point about how the quality of the relationship would impact both peoples lives for the better is the main factor for deciding whether or not to continue on a relationship just as friends. My friend's last breakup was very random and confusing due to the suspicions of cheating, and so for this example I find it very understandable to not want to continue on any sort of friendship with that person due to their lack of character and judgement, along with care for you and your feelings. She does not have any sort of friendship with this person anymore and they were best friends even before they dated so this was difficult. I think it completely depends on the relationship and the reason for deciding to split up with that person and the benefits for both people.
ReplyDeletewith your ex I believe that it is possible. In college, it is common to have a lot of mutual friends with your ex and that would be a reason that you would like to stay friends. From personal experience, I have not stayed friends with my ex and our mutual friends have usually picked sides on the breakup and it usually doesn’t end well. I think that if people stay friends with their ex it is likely that they will begin to develop feelings and potentially get back together. I don’t see the point in getting back together with someone because there was obviously a reason that we broke up. I can see my exes in public and be civil and there is nothing wrong with that but I don’t want to “catch up”. I also usually end up unfollowing my ex on all social media platforms because I don’t want to find myself looking at their profile to see if they’re doing “better” without me.
ReplyDeleteI believe that a successful friendship with a former partner depends on the circumstances of the dissolution of the relationship, as well as the motivations of the partners. I ended a relationship because my partner became emotionally abusive. A friendship did not work because of the reasoning for the break up, as well as the fact that there was not a mutual desire to remain connected. I also think it was easier to avoid a friendship because we had not pursued a friendship before our relationship, and we did not share many mutual friends. If we had a strong friendship before the initiation of a relationship or abuse did not become a problem, I think I would have felt differently about a post-relationship friendship. Overall, I think it is possible to be friends with an ex if both parties desire it and the relationship ended in a cordial manner.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree that this it is important to weigh the positives and negatives of continuing to be friends with your ex and recognize what is the safest and healthiest for each party. I think of myself and I do have some exs who I am and am not still friends with and those decisions were made for their own reasons in which we believed was best for us. A piece of this that I also think is important is to also have a support system behind you for whatever decision made on the mater. While the opinions of others matter being able to process a relationship with an ex with people who will also be impacted with the break up could be potentially helpful in recognizing if that is something that is in the best interests of everyone.
ReplyDeleteI believe that this topic is very difficult to decide which one is better. In my personal experience, I am really good at blocking out the person and everything they had to do. But this became harder in college when we were in the same friend group. For some reason, I feel as if it was harder to stay in touch rather than break everything off. I also feel as if this depends on the type of person and attachment levels someone has. I have noticed I am able to cut someone off from my life a lot easier than some of my friends.
ReplyDeleteThis was very interesting to read, as it is very relevant to my own life. I have really struggled with the issue of deciding whether to try to repair the relationship with my ex or not. For me personally, what makes this situation difficult, is that I was the one who was broken up with, however he was the one who maintained a lot of hostility after our relationship. As far as I am aware, there is not much a reason for this sentiment. Because of this situation, it's difficult to want to go out of my way to repair something that I never thought was broken until he demonstrated with his actions and words that we were not friends. I personally feel as though it was a lack of maturity, but I don't know for sure. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI often feel that this notion is always difficult for individuals to decide following a break up. In my own personal experiences I usually don't keep in contact with my ex after we break up because I feel that when I keep in contact with them there is no way that I would be able to get over them. I also feel that it is just easiest fro me because none of my exes have ever been within my friend group so the only reason they were ever around my friends was because of me. Although, I do feel like if my ex were to be in my friend group I would try and stay on good terms because I would hate to have a friend group disperse for that reason. Everyone handles things differently and this post was very interesting to see the data behind the friendship topic with exes.
ReplyDeleteI was not very surprised with some of the data you provided for this blog post, but it is very interesting to hear the studies behind it! When you are in a romantic relationship with someone, chances are you consider them to be one of your best friends already. When you make the decision to end the romantic part of your relationship, it can be difficult to give up that friendship as well. However, I have had situations after a breakup where it is simply just too painful to try and continue a friendship, knowing that I could never be as close to them as I once was.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your post! So many individuals have a common misconception that your ex must be your enemy when they most certainly don’t have to be. At least to an extent. All my exes are not my enemies. I ended my relationships with them on good terms and to this day even though we don’t talk we still wish each other well. On the other hand, my best friend and her ex-boyfriend had a really rough breakup which resulted in a restraining order. I think it all depends on the situation that both of you left off on and at the end of the way you also have to think about what is going to make yourself feel better.
ReplyDeleteHello,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this blog because it has very interesting sides to whether a person should be friends with their ex-partner or not. I could say from my own personal experience that being friends with an ex is hard to do. Especially if someone still has feelings or in-love with that person. I tried to be friends with my ex after a breakup and my expectations of him were still like we were in a relationship. So being friends for me did not work out because there were too many feelings still involved but I still think it could work out for people in this situation. Loved the post, thank you for writing!
Great work on this! I think you chose a very relevant topic when it comes to relationships. I think the decision between staying friends with your ex or completely leaving them behind is a universal question for all people who are exiting their relationship. I really liked how you provided us with two different scenarios, I think that really helped to normalize each option and not shine any negativity on either side. This decision between remaining friends with an ex or not, in my opinion, should be a hard no. I think there is a difference between friends and acquaintances, and in my opinion, an ex should be an acquaintance if they are lucky enough to even receive that.
ReplyDeleteHello!
ReplyDeleteYour blog post was extremely informative and fun to read! You kept me on the edge of my seat until the post was over by making me question the relationship I share with my ex. It was interesting to read about both scenarios in which one individual remained friends with their ex, while the other individual would never see or speak to their ex, again. I think it is extremely important to consider all aspects of the relationship and the break-up when deciding whether to remain in contact with an ex boyfriend or girlfriend. I, personally, think your point of reconciling old feelings is the most important factor when determining if you should remain in contact. Thank you for sharing!
I think that it is important to talk about such an interesting dynamic in a romantic relationship once it has ended. For me personally, it was hard to come together with my first serious relationship and be okay with being friends again. I think it also depends on the ex and the reason why the relationship was broken off. However, I think this is a type of thing that many people do not talk about, given that there is so much emphasis on the relationship breaking, rather than the potential rekindling afterwords. I think this was a great discussion post and made me reflect on my own personal relationships.
ReplyDeleteI know a lot of people who have struggled with the idea of being friends with their exes. It seems extremely hard to do so, but I realize everyone's situations are different. When my boyfriend and I broke up a couple of years ago, the first thing I thought of was that I wanted to remain friends. It became too difficult to do without there being a little bit of romance left. It is pretty interesting to learn about and I would like to hear more opinions on this topic. I like how you mentioned a mutual benefit from being friends. If both are content and have positive feelings toward being friends after a breakup, I think that can be healthy!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing!
I am currently going through a break-up and trying to decide whether or not to continue to communicate with him. Being friends and talking again has definitely brought up a lot of emotions. I feel it is important to spend some time apart with no communication to allow each other to heal before pursuing a friendship. Being friends with your ex makes you take on new roles and habits that are likely different than when you were in a relationship with them. For example, I am snap chatting with my ex again and I am trying not to Snapchat him as quickly as I used to because we no longer need to be in constant communication. Either way, I think everyone's situation is unique and it is important to weigh the benefits and the risks before deciding whether or not to be friends with your ex.
ReplyDeleteBeing friends with an ex is such a sticky subject. Everyone has different opinions on it. In my past relationships I have not continued to be friends with my exes simply because I have not felt the need to. However, in my current relationship I know that if we ever break up I would want to continue being friends. We were friends for a while before dating and I know losing both the relationship and the friendship would be crushing. But with that comes a lot of questions or complications. Overall, whether or not someone is friends with their ex is a personal decision and no answer is correct.
ReplyDeleteSuper interesting topic! I was drawn to this blog post because I am friends with almost all of my exes (the non-toxic ones) and I wanted to know what the research said. One of my exes has been my best friend for years. We tried dating for a few months but we both agreed that we were way better off as friends, so we stayed that way. I would say that as long as your ex is not toxic and you split on amicable terms, you can absolutely be friends if you want to. It really just depends on the relationship dynamic.
ReplyDeleteThis is something I am currently working through as I write this response. I have felt that disaproval from a friend who doesn't believe you can be friends with your ex. My ex and I have made it clear that we want to stay in each other's lives. The relationship did not become healthy towards the end because we fought a lot. But we knew we didn't want to lose each other. Now, I am struggling because there is a lot of unfinished buisness and situations we still need to talk through, we are planning on it, but currently being friends is still causing that tourmoil and tension between each other. I know we are capeable of being friends, it's just been so long since that's all we've been. But, this blog put it in perspective that our struggles with this are not isolated, it's normal to have a rocky period of figuring it out. I know we will eventually, it's only been about 4 months since we officially ended things.
ReplyDeleteI was able to relate to the question posed of “can you be just friends with an ex”. As mentioned, this is always the question at the end of the relationship where you decide whether to remain friends or not. I have personally been in the situation of deciding which option would be best for me, staying friends because it would theoretically be less difficult or parting ways and losing all contact. The research on the disapproval of your social support system in remaining friends with an ex was very interesting, but not surprising. Based on personal experience and the research presented, whether or not to stay friends with an ex can differ based on the nature of your relationship and whether or not you are in the same social circle.
ReplyDeleteI appreciated the advice shared in this post. I think how people handle relationships with exes, and even with people connected to them, really depends on the context. I do not have a relationship with my ex anymore, but I do still have a relationship with his parents. Neither of us finds it awkward, but my ex does. In my opinion, just because someone became an ex does not mean they stop being worthy of kindness, and I do not think relationships that are built with mutual friends or family should have to end simply because the romantic relationship did not work out. That said, an ex does not have to be an enemy either. Sometimes, it is best not to associate with them at all, as long as that distance does not come from a place of hate. I believe harboring anger or resentment only ends up hurting the person holding onto it. An ex is an ex for a reason, but forgiveness, whether it is spoken or just internal, is important for moving on.
ReplyDeleteI’ll be completely honest, my ex is my enemy. While it is totally normal to be friends with an ex, I believe it depends on the situation and feelings towards the relationship. My ex boyfriend cheated on me and made it very clear that he was not sorry, so I decided it would be best to remove him from my life for my own well-being. At the sacrifice of some of our mutual friends, I made the decision that was best for me. Messy breakups and intense feelings are common in college relationships, but the most important thing to remember is to do what will have a positive impact on your life, and what will not.
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