“She’s got Daddy Issues”
Thanks to our dear old friend, Sigmund Freud, who coined the term ‘father complex,’ the concept of daddy issues has been a focus of love life turmoil for decades. Daddy issues are essentially obstacles many of us face in forming and maintaining relationships due to emotional repercussions of an absent or turbulent childhood relationship with our father. We’ve all probably heard this plenty of times. “I swear she only dates men at least five years older than her. Talk about daddy issues.” Men are often accused of having daddy issues, as well. “He wouldn’t know commitment if it slapped him in the face. He must have some serious daddy issues!”
Chances are, whether it’s been you, a friend, or a family member; you have known someone who appears to have the infamous plague of ‘daddy issues.’ Although daddy issues are primarily used to describe female struggles with healthy relationship formation, self-esteem, and sexuality, this is a problem that can affect absolutely anyone. Typically, daddy issues manifest in men’s lives through struggles with commitment, affection, or respect in relationships. People experience these obstacles in a variety of ways, and not one individual is affected exactly the same as the next. Some experts would argue, that we all actually have our own level of daddy issues to a certain degree¹
Daddy issues can be a particularly sensitive topic for many people, specifically because it often addresses painful or uncomfortable experiences from the past. From an attachment perspective, daddy issues are disruptions in attachment carrying on into our romantic relationships.1 Although reflecting on potential daddy issues is difficult, many people often find relief from recognizing and addressing the way their relationships with father figures contributed to their relationship formations in adolescence and adulthood. A friend I talked to explained her experience with her own perceived struggle with daddy issues.
“I never realized how much my dad’s alcoholism and inconsistency in my life impacted me until I noticed what kind of boys I tend to date. Boys who are emotionally unavailable for some reason seem to be the ones I chase after most. I also looked for self validation from boys a lot in high school, and I would let them take advantage of me. It sounds super cliche’, but now that I’m older and can recognize it, I try to remember that I deserve better.”
From an attachment perspective, I would guess my friend’s father had an avoidant attachment with her. I have also had my own experience with avoidant fathers and daddy issues. Between an alcoholic father who died when I was nine, to an unaffectionate and uninvolved stepfather, I noticed my own fair share of relationship issues. Low self-esteem, a tendency toward toxic relationships, and an undying desire to feel wanted were just a few of the clues I began to notice in high school which led me to believe I had some serious daddy issues.
My friend and I are certainly not alone in our experience. A research study conducted on fatherless women’s communication in romantic relationships revealed that women with inconsistent and absent fathers were more likely to stay in dysfunctional relationships.²The study also revealed that many women would partake in self-silencing if they felt threat of their significant other leaving the relationship.² Similar studies conducted on adolescent sexuality revealed that adolescents with absent or inconsistent father-figures in childhood were likely to exhibit higher sexual promiscuity such as earlier onset of sexual activity, more sexual partners, and more risky sexual behaviors.1
Although this research may seem disheartening, a poor childhood experience is not a lifetime sentence to dysfunctional relationships. Human development research has indicated that childhood experiences and relationships greatly impact adult relationship experiences. However, research has also exhibited the power of individual resilience and protective factors.³ So what can someone do if they think they might be experiencing daddy issues? The best thing to do is recognize and reflect on how your past may be impacting your present relationships. If you have a history of dysfunctional male figures in your life, look to positive male role models and functional relationships to guide you. Therapy can also be a great option to understand unaddressed attachment issues. If it is possible to repair or strengthen your relationship with fathers or stepfathers, doing so might help. Don’t be afraid to talk to your partner about how your past has affected your emotions and communication. Yes, daddy issues are real, but they certainly don’t have to define your future relationships.
¹Bowling, S. W., & Werner-Wilson, R. J. (2000). Father-daughter relationships and adolescent female sexuality: Paternal qualities associated with responsible sexual behavior. Journal of HIV/AIDS prevention & education for adolescents & children, 3(4), 5-28.
²Jackson, L. M. (2010). Where's my daddy? Effects of fatherlessness on women's relational communication.
³Werner, E. E. (2000). Protective factors and individual resilience. Handbook of early childhood intervention, 2, 115-132.
Hello Rachel,
ReplyDeleteI found your post to be very interesting, as it relates heavily to my personal and professional experiences. As a female with daddy issues herself, I have a history of unhealthy relationships with boys and have been using the last few years to try and break these habits and cycles. With the help of lots of therapy and the knowledge I have gained in my years at CSU studying human development and family studies, I have been able to start the process of learning how to have healthy relationships. However, I know that this will be a lifelong journey because of the past that I have.
I found this blog to be particularly interesting because of the relatability of her posts. I especially was intrigued by her post “She’s Got Daddy Issues” because I can specifically relate to it. My dad was a loving father, who always supported me, however, we never talked about feelings or emotions in my home growing up. Because of this, I have grown up with hesitancy in trusting people with my feelings. My dad never did anything particularly bad, however, because it was never accepted to trust in others with my feelings, I now have trouble with that aspect of attachment in relationships. My friends often say I have a “wall” up protecting myself from being too vulnerable. Though it is something I work on often, much of this protective coping mechanism stems from the way I was raised.
ReplyDeleteRachel,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your perspective on "daddy issues". I found this post particularly interesting because of the relatability. I grew up with a relatively absent father until my step father came along in third grade, he was and still is a huge and important figure in my life but he chose alcohol over his family at one point and I experienced another fatherly figure "abandonment". Now, as I reflect on my past relationships, it makes sense as to why I have had so many trust issues with males. I was in a relationship with someone for two years and I never fully trusted them, I believe it was because of my "daddy issues" growing up. Now that I am able to reflect and recognize how my past effects my current relationships I can make an effort to change my ways and grow.
This blog has some interesting points of daddy issues that I may not completely be able to relate to, but I can see how the impacts of male figures in my life have influenced my romantic relationships. I think between seeing the mistakes that my father as well as my older brothers made in relationships, it made me more aware of the negative influences that men can have on my life, but truly it made me become a bit of a hopeless romantic. It made me feel like I had the potential to change a man’s tendencies because I now had this key to a man’s head, but in reality this was quite counterproductive because I found myself trying to “fix” men that had no intentions of changing and wanting to continue with their toxic behaviors.
ReplyDeleteThroughout the blog, I also have a deeper understanding of how everyone, to a certain degree, has daddy issues. I personally have noticed this in my life and my friends. We all have different types of dads, and that shines through in who we decide to date. Unfortunately, this does lead to not good habits in regards to who we date sometimes. I feel as if this is more commonly seen through girls, but have never thought about it from a male’s perspective. Overall, I think that it is super interesting to see how my parents have shifted the type of people that I have dated.
ReplyDeleteDaddy issues is an uncomfortable topic for many as it involves past trauma or events that have affected relationships today. My roommate and I have discussed daddy issues and mommy issues and how these terms came to be in our lives. From an attachment perspective, daddy issues are affected due to the lack of attachment to a parent or parents. My roommate has expressed how growing up she did not have a good relationship with her dad because he was in and out of jail. This has resulted in her avoidant attachment to her own romantic relationships. Daddy issues can have a big effect in someone’s life and it is important that more people know about the certain factors that affect this.
ReplyDeleteI thought this was a lovely and insightful post. I also liked that you mentioned that likely everyone has some form of daddy issues. I most definitely have my fair share of daddy issues and I have absolutely noticed a pattern in the types of boys that I choose to date. While I believe that I have a generally anxious attachment style, I have an avoidant attachment to my father. Substance abuse and manipulation are not necessarily qualities you would ever want in a person, but because my father participated in those things, I was willing to overlook them in my previous relationships. It is important to take note in the ways that these things effect you and your decisions. You explained this very well, thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThis blog post discussed Sigmund Freud's idea of an absence of a parental relationship causing deeper rooted issues in life. Not only in life but specifically in relationships. The blog brings up women that tend to date men that are much older than them because of their potential “daddy issues” because of issues with inner self love and self esteem. Something that was brought up on this blog was that everyone to an extent can have these daddy issues. I typically had always
ReplyDeletethought it was just people that had an absence of a father figure. This issue can be particularly hard for individuals because it brings trauma from the past and the vast majority of people don't feel comfortable discussing that. For example girls that tend to be using websites like seeking arrangements and only fans for money tend to have issues with father figures.
Hello Rachel, This topic of “daddy issues” has always been an uncomfortable topic. Just like you mentioned it is usually used in a form of down grading someone. However, I have never thought of the way that it is interpreted when it is directed towards men. I can understand where this can be a cause of an attachment style in relationships. From personal experience, I do believe that since my dad would do many things for me, I now have high expectations for anyone with that I am in a relationship. But at the same time, I do feel that my father's presence was hard due to when he was around he would never talk to you directly. Because of this, it lead to me wanting to be more heard by my partner. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHi, Rachel!
ReplyDeleteIt was truly interesting to learn about the term "daddy issues" from an emotional and psychological perspective. It is saddening to understand how often this term is thrown around to degrade someone, when it truly has a great impact on an individual's love language and attachment style. It was extremely interesting to read about "daddy issues" pertaining to men because I only ever hear the term being directed towards women. You did an excellent job at informing your readers that childhood trauma's effect on relationships can be changed through resilience and persistence. Thank you so much for sharing!
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI have also noticed a tendency towards not the greatest relationships and having a horrible desire to feel wanted and desirable in general. I agree that my relationship with my father has likely contributed to this ‘hole’ in my life. I have tried to fill this hole with compliments from men and just wanting them to like me in general. My father was not absent in my childhood, he was very much around and participated in many ways. But he was very inconsistent and had a tendency of making me and my siblings feel like nothing we could do was ever good enough. I have been lucky enough to gain an incredible stepfather who has showed me love and acceptance that I never gained with my biological father.
This post shares a connection with me personally because of the amount of times people tell me “you have daddy issues”. In almost all of my relationships, there have been instances of these “daddy issues” coming into play but I never related the attachment style I have to the daddy issues. It makes sense that there is a connection to past trauma or alteration of attachment through parent-child relationship which reflects in partner-partner relationships later. I know now that this is common for a lot of people and there are ways to heal from this trauma and become more resilient in future relationships because of these experiences.
ReplyDeleteI chose the "She's Got Daddy Issues" post because I can personally relate to it. I would consider my father to have avoidant attachment issues with all his children. Although as a child, my father was a great dad and I was often called a daddy's girl because of how close we were. As I started to grow up, my father relied heavily on drugs and started to distance himself from his family. We wouldn't talk for a couple of months and when we would, it was always short. In high school I got into my first serious relationship with a guy who also had daddy issues. His father had been in prison for most of his life but he never wanted to open up to me about it. I would consider this relationship to be toxic and lasted 6 years on and off. He never abused me physically but definitely emotionally. I could see a lot of my father's character in my ex and I often found myself chasing him and begging for his love, as I did for my father. We separated 2 years ago when I started to realize I deserve so much better. I still have a lot to learn and to work on with my relationships with my father and my future partners.
ReplyDelete