Green with Envy or Red with Abuse?

Green with Envy or Red with Abuse?

Ah, the big green monster, the emotion you probably hate to openly express the the most. Jealousy is an unfortunately large part of human nature, especially in romantic relationships. Some people are naturally less jealous than others. Chances are, however, you have felt the uncomfortable itch of jealousy before. Although jealousy is a normal human emotion, it can cause a lot of issues in romantic relationships. Some people view jealousy as flattering and a sign that their significant other truly loves them. Particularly, those of us with more insecure or anxious attachment styles tend to be more jealous than those with a secure attachment.¹ However, sometimes, perceived jealousy can actually be signs of emotional abuse. Regardless of whether you are a particularly jealous person or not, it’s important to recognize unhealthy jealous behaviors in yourself and in your partner.1

Especially in a college setting, it seems that jealousy is a major topic of relationship strife. Feeling like your significant other is giving more time, attention, or affection to someone else can be difficult to handle. On the other hand, having a jealous significant other when you’re not particularly jealous can be difficult, as well. Many couples struggle with this disconnect. An individual I talked to explained her struggle with jealousy

“I tend to be a very jealous person. My boyfriend is good friends with his ex girlfriend. With my jealous nature, this was extremely difficult for me to get over at first. I would be tempted to monitor their infrequent text messages and snoop. It created a lot of conflict between us because he felt insulted that I didn’t trust him. I’ve gotten better, but I still notice it now and again.”

I think the majority of us can relate to her experience to some degree. However, researchers indicate that certain patterns of jealous behavior can indicate abuse. Research conducted on 160 men and their partners indicated that jealousy often positively correlated with abusive behavior.¹ However, the researchers did not refer to natural jealousy as abusive behavior. Researchers indicated that jealousy became abusive and problematic when the jealous partner created unwarranted jealous conflict.¹  In a relationship, that might look like a partner becoming confrontative and jealous about an interaction with a peer or coworker as being “flirtatious,” when it is simply cordial and harmless. A family member that I interviewed explained her experience with a partner whose jealousy became abusive:


“My ex boyfriend used to workout at the gym I worked at. When I would be friendly and
kind to male members, he would accuse me of flirting with them. It was to the point where if I greeted a guy at the front desk, I was trying to get his number. Then, he would constantly come into workout during my shifts, and he would wait in the parking lot until my shift was over. It wasn’t until he tried to get me to quit my job that I realized I had to dump him like a hot potato.”

Researchers would describe what my family member was experiencing as “intrusiveness.” This is when a jealous partner partakes in unwarranted following, watching, or involvement in their partner’s life outside of the relationship. Although individuals can feel compelled to do this for a variety of reasons, an insecure childhood attachment or history of trauma and abuse are some of the primary indicators of this form of abuse.

It is easy to believe that jealousy is natural and sometimes even a sign of affection. However, certain levels and forms of jealous are unhealthy. Whether you notice these behaviors in you or your partner, it is important to recognize the warning signs of abusive jealousy. Do you notice yourself or your partner creating unwarranted conflict in response to fear or mistrust? Do you notice yourself or your partner excessively monitoring one another? These can be signs of abusive jealousy. If you notice these signs in a relationship, it is important to remove yourself from the abusive pattern, and seek support. Jealousy is a natural part of human relationships, but remember, jealousy does not equal love.

¹Attridge, M. (2013). Jealousy and relationship closeness: Exploring the good (reactive) and bad (suspicious) sides of romantic jealousy. SAGE open, 3(1), 2158244013476054.
²Dutton, D. G., Van Ginkel, C., & Landolt, M. A. (1996). Jealousy, intimate abusiveness, and intrusiveness. Journal of Family Violence, 11(4), 411-423.