Long-Distance Relationships

Saying goodbye to someone we love is never easy, especially if it’s our partner or spouse. More and more people are involved in long-distance relationships and many of us have experienced this challenging separation first hand.  We have waited to see our partner for so long and only get to see them for a short time before they are off again.  These feelings of separation protest³ or not wanting to let our partner go after we see them are a very normal experience.

Luckily, long-distance relationships can be just as satisfying and stable as relationships with those who are in close proximity³.  There are many new ways to maintain feelings of closeness or proximity without being physically near our partner. While physical closeness is still a desire of most of us in these relationships, the ability to contact our partner through technology has greatly advanced. In addition, there are ways to feel psychologically close through replaying of memories or looking at pictures. This is a useful tool to use during time of separation, but does not necessarily replace the feeling of being face to face with our partner.

But there are differences in how attachment is experienced in close and long-distance relationships.  For those of us who have been in a long-distance relationship, we have experienced the vicious reunion-separation cycle time and time again. The goodbyes cause us to experience distress that may target the attachment system. Those we love make us feel safe and being separated from them may leave us feeling anxious².

For those of us in long-distance relationships, we rely heavily on the reunion experience after a long time away from our partner. This style of relationship can leave us feeling lonely or lost at time, but that does not necessarily predict a secure attachment¹. In long-distance relationships it is very common for us to feel decreased relationship satisfaction following two weeks of our partner departing, or even less¹.

In certain circumstances, such as military relationships, this cycle may be experienced differently due to the additional risks that armed forces face when they travel overseas. These couples often face uncertainty of whether or not their spouse is okay or if they will return home. This is often reflected in non-deployed spouse’s attachment and reaction to their partner being deployed.

Based on the dangers of the military, many wives of deployed spouses reported avoidance behaviors while their partner was deployed¹.  In addition, reports of anxious thoughts were described in the last few weeks awaiting their spouse’s arrival back home. A unique aspect of this was those who experience avoidance and anxiety while their spouse or partner is deployed, was that positive, secure attachment was restored upon their spouses return³. However, the reunion does not always produce immediate relationship harmony. It may take time for the relationship to return to its previous status. This shows that though feelings fluctuate while our partner is away, it is still possible to maintain a secure attachment and a healthy relationship across far distances.

Signs that signal that we are in a healthy long-distance relationship may be an increase in “we-ness.”  The greater sense of couple hood we have with our far away partner or spouse may result in a shared identity, leading to a greater sense of security².

Long-distance relationships aren’t for all of us, but for those of us who are foraging the way and driving (or flying) to see our partner, it is important to keep in mind that all types of relationships can be successful. It’s never easy to let our partner go, but the joy of the reunion that is to come, may be worth the wait.

¹Borelli, J. L., Sbarra, D. A., Snavely, J. E., McMakin, D. L., Coffey, J. K., Ruiz, S. K., … Chung, S. Y. (2014). With or without you: Preliminary evidence that attachment avoidance predicts nondeployed spouses’ reactions to relationship challenges during deployment. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 45(6), 478–487. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1037/a0037780.supp

²Borelli, J. L., Sbarra, D. A., Randall, A. K., Snavely, J. E., St. John, H. K., & Ruiz, S. K. (2013). Linguistic indicators of wives’ attachment security and communal orientation during military deployment. Family Process, 52(3), 535–554. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/famp.12031

³Pistole, M. C. (2010). Long-distance romantic couples: An attachment theoretical perspective. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 36(2), 115–125. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2009.00169.x

Cheating

It’s something we all dread—some more than others—and the fear of being cheated on can keep us from fully opening up in relationships. It is a fear that is, quite unfortunately, founded in logic, as over 25% of married men and 20% of married women engage in extramarital sex over the course of their marriage⁴.

But what about dating couples? Well, one’s behavior in dating relationships can, unsurprisingly, predict their behaviors in marriages.

The likelihood that a person will cheat on their partner is, like so many other things, related to our attachment styles, or the idea that our childhood experiences with caregivers shape our future behavior and expectations for our romantic relationships. And unfortunately, there is more bad news for those of us who are insecurely attached, whether married or dating, as we are more likely to cheat on our partners than those of us who are securely attached⁴.

Anxiously attached individuals are more likely to seek intimacy with another partner through infidelity if they feel that their needs for intimacy are not being met, whereas those of us, like myself, who are avoidantly-attached are more likely to be chronically less committed to our relationships, and possess more sexually permissive attitudes⁴.

I know what you’re all thinking: it’s just more bad news for those of us who are insecurely attached. But, there is hope. As we’ve talked about on this blog before, there are steps that you can take to become more securely attached to your partners, and improve relationship satisfaction, which would effectively work to prevent infidelity and strengthen your relationship, which you can read about here.

These steps can be taken as preventative measures before infidelity occurs, but they can also be taken after learning about an affair; and an astounding 60-75% of married couples stay married after learning of one partner’s affair¹.

Whether a couple stays together after an affair has a lot to do with their level of commitment and their willingness to work on the relationship, and this is true whether a couple is married or if they are dating⁴.

I know how challenging it can be to trust someone and be willing to be vulnerable when the threat of cheating and the fear of betrayal remains. And although I haven’t been cheated on, I’ve seen the effects first hand.

When I was in middle school, my mom found out that my father had been having a secret affair for years, and was leaving her for another woman. The whole family was shocked as he filed for divorce and left, and my mom and I were left behind to pick up the pieces of our family.

So it comes as no surprise to me that partners who are cheated on often experience symptoms similar to posttraumatic stress disorder².

I asked one friend who was cheated on what it was like for her, and she described it as a truly traumatic experience:

“It was so much worse for me than a regular breakup. I’ve been dumped before, but being cheated on made me doubt myself and feel worthless. I was angry and depressed, and it took years before I could look back with clarity and see that it wasn’t a reflection of me or my worth as a partner.”

As traumatic as being cheated on can be, there is hope for individuals and for couples. My own childhood experiences and watching my parents split up have had a lot to do with why I am more insecurely attached and shy away from emotional intimacy. I’ve seen the pain that can result from trusting someone too much, and it can be terrifying.

But, again, there is hope for all of us. And while I still tend towards insecure attachment, I have happily been with my partner for nearly two years, and we are quite securely attached. It has taken a lot of work on both of our ends, and will likely take more work as time goes on. But, by working to become securely attached in our romantic relationships we can all work to improve relationship satisfaction and prevent infidelity, since couples who are securely attached are significantly less likely to cheat on their partners⁴.

And, again, there is hope for couples that have already experienced infidelity as well, if both partners are willing to work at it. Therapy can be very effective, and some couples even report closer marital relationships following an affair and therapy³.

While the thought of being cheated on can be a terrifying and intrusive thought that can prevent us from opening up, it doesn’t have to be. So often affairs are a result of underlying problems related to attachment insecurity, and this can be improved over time.

In the case of my own parents, they had their fair share of other problems, and the affair was just the precipitating factor for their divorce. To be honest, they’re both far happier now than when they were together.

For others, don’t let fear get in the way of your happiness. There’s hope for preventing affairs, and hope for healing after them. For those of us who are anxiously attached: slow down, relax, and trust in your partner before jumping to conclusions or doing something you’ll regret. For those of us who are avoidantly attached, take a chance on your partner and try opening up—they might just surprise you.

 ¹Baucom, D. H., Snyder, D. K., & Gordon, K. C. (2009). Helping couples get past the affair: A

clinician's guide. New York: Guilford Press.

²Blow, A. J., & Hartnett, K. (2005). Infidelity in committed relationships II: A substantive review.

Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 31(2), 217-233. doi: 10.1111/j.1752-0606.2005.tb01556.x

³Fincham, F. D., & Beach, S. R. H. (2010). Marriage in the new millennium: A decade in review.

Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 630-649. doi: 10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00722.x

⁴Russell, V. M., Baker, L. R., & McNulty, J. K. (2013). Attachment insecurity and infidelity in

marriage: Do studies of dating relationships really inform us about marriage? Journal of Family

Psychology, 27(2), 242–251. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1037/a0032118

Why can't I sleep?

We’ve all experienced it: anger and irritation due to lack of sleep. I can remember countless times that I have become frustrated over my partner simply breathing too loud when I am tired.  As college students, we are pulled in many directions and sometimes sleep ends up on the bottom of the priority list.  What we likely don’t consider about the amount of sleep we get is how it may affect our closest relationships.  It is not unlikely for us to take out our anger on those who we are closest with, because we trust them the most.  Yet, the research is unclear if better sleep leads to more secure romantic attachment or if secure attachment leads to better sleep¹.

The unfortunate news for all of us is that regardless or our attachment style, we are all likely to experience sleep disturbances¹, some just more than others.  Whether it’s the snoring or our attachment, our chances of getting more sleep don’t seem great.  For those of us who experience anxious attachment and may feel supremely vulnerable in our current or potential relationships, we may face sleep challenges due to overthinking a situation, AKA ruminating¹.

“I lay there and think and think and think, and before I know it, its 2AM.”

It can be very frustrating when we can’t seem to fall asleep because we are overthinking every moment of seeing our crush from across campus, especially because today he smiled back. This giddy emotion can become too much to handle and all we can think about is maybe running into him again tomorrow. But then, the giddiness turns to terror and all we can think is what if he only smiled because I was having a bad hair day or my makeup looked like a clown? Even worse, what if I am just not good enough for any relationship? All of these thoughts can keep us up to all hours of the night and may resemble those of us with anxious attachment; those of us who may be losing sleep because we find ourselves overthinking every detail.

On the other hand, those of us with avoidant attachment styles may be suppressing emotions and feeling as though we have needs unmet by our partner, which is also a contributor to sleep disturbances¹.  Those of us with this attachment style may see the same crush on campus and try to suppress the true emotions we are feeling because we don’t want to get our hopes up. Or, we may not even be truly interested, but our biology is making us feel like we are.  Even though we may not be overthinking, we are still likely to lose sleep while making an effort to calm our biological systems.

Regardless of which of these categories we fall under, any emotional distress or conflict with our partner will likely lead to decreased sleep for the night¹.

Sleep is a major factor of self-care in the lives of us college students.  It’s something we heavily rely on to focus and be engaged in the present moment.  Despite the many factors of relationships that could be keeping us awake, it is important to recognize why we may be losing sleep. First, try just becoming aware of your rumination or suppression, and remind yourself that you are normal. Many other people are doing exactly what you are doing, at this exact same moment!  And then,maybe give a creative solution a try. While we likely can’t change our day or experiences with a partner or crush, we can try listening to music, consuming less caffeine, or putting down screens an hour before bed.  These may not be full-proof, but give them a shot next time you see your crush or stay something stupid to your SO and can’t seem to sleep.

¹Adams, G. C., & McWilliams, L. A. (2015). Relationships between adult attachment style ratings and sleep disturbances in a nationally representative sample. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 79(1), 37–42. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1016/j.jpsychores.2014.12.017