When the One isn't the One

Let’s be real, we all want to find our person.  We all want to find that one person who knows our deepest secrets, makes us laugh, supports us in whatever we do, and is a best friend all in one.  Romantic relationships are a really big deal! In fact, finding a partner to spend the rest of our lives with is seen as a huge priority to us college kids¹.

One of the factors that drastically impacts the way we connect and dive in to our romantic relationships is our attachment style. 

The idea behind attachment was first described by Bowlby as the emotional bond that forms between children and their parents.  The different attachment styles defined by Bowlby’s research partner, Mary Ainsworth, include:

·      Secure attachment

·      Anxious attachment

·      Avoidant attachment

* Feel free to click on these links to read blogs previously posted regarding each of these different attachment styles, what they mean, and tips and tricks to help adjust your attachment style to a more secure attachment! *

Attachment plays an enormously huge role in the way we navigate relationships.  It doesn’t just impact the relationships we have with our parents and our families, it impacts our relationships with friends, as well as our romantic relationships¹.  Our attachment style greatly impacts the way we interact with others in moments of joy and moments of conflict, as well as influences the way we handle the end of relationships¹.

Since attachments are so significant in our relationships, it comes as no surprise that attachment style incredibly affects the quality of romantic relationships and break-ups in college.  In general, secure attachments adjust better to the challenges life throws at us.  During break-ups, individuals with a secure attachment typically have a faster emotional recovery than others.  Having a secure attachment helps individuals to rationally think through their break-up, while also seeking advice from positive relationships.  On the other hand, having less of a secure attachment leads to decreased relationship satisfaction, which leads to more difficulty handling conflicts, which leads to more break-ups¹.  Yikes!

That’s not all, though.  Our attachment style impacts the way we grieve, too.  Avoidant attachment style is related to more avoidant coping strategies and instrumental grief responses, which is a fancy way of saying they try to think things through in their minds and avoid reminders of their partners.  On the other hand, anxious attachment style is related to anxious coping strategies and intuitive grief responses, such as worrying, ruminating, and convincing yourself you will never be lucky in love.

Individuals with less attachment security struggle in other areas of their life after a break up as well¹.  Researchers have found that those who are more anxiously attached typically feel more distressed about their break-up and struggle in school¹.  Also, both anxious and avoidant attachments are more likely to reach for the alcohol while grieving their break-ups¹. 

After reading this, you may be thinking to yourself “Geez, if I don’t have a secure attachment style, then I must be seriously screwed.”  Not going to lie, I thought this myself when I first read through the research.  It sounds brutal! When I reached out to my friends to see how they handled their break-ups, a majority of them mentioned how important it was to get support from their loved ones.  Whereas people who are more anxious may be comfortable in a face-to-face heart-to-heart interaction, those who are more avoidant may have an easier time opening up while doing an “activity” like hiking or biking.  Either way, taking the risk to get support is a healthy way to handle a break-up that may lead to more securely attached relationships in the future, which is something we all want, right?

“Having my friends and family surrounding me constantly made it an easier process.  I think the most effective thing I did was surround myself with positive people that love me. That way I felt comforted and would rarely feel alone. My support system was the most helpful part of my break-up!”

Don’t be discouraged if you identify with an anxious or avoidant attachment.  I know, the impacts seem drastic, however, there are ways you can help shift your attachment to a more secure style.  Here are some tips supported by the research:

·      Understand your attachment style

·      Believe that you are normal and that so many other people have similar struggles

·      Pay attention to what triggers you in relationships and how you respond

·      Notice what attachment styles you find yourself gravitating towards

o   Work to understand your partner’s attachment style so you can work through

·      Take risks! Express your feelings.  I know it can sound scary, but it is worth it!

Feel free to look through past blog posts as well! There are lots of tips and tricks there to help you every step of the way.   

Damsel in Distress

As college students, we experience incredible amounts of stress.  If you hang around any campus long enough, you are guaranteed to hear students chatting and complaining about how stressed and busy they are.  Between school work, extracurricular activities, having a job, and attempting to have a social life on top of it all, it’s no wonder that so many college students feel like their time is spread thin!

Since a lot of us already feel great stress, break-ups certainly don’t help us feel any less stressed.  Romantic relationships and the potential impacts of the ending of these relationships pose a unique struggle for us college kids, especially when life feels so uncertain as it is².  Going through a romantic relationship break-up in college can feel like an additional weight has been added to your already heavy load.  While this may be the case for many, the research shows that there are multiple factors that make us feel even more distressed when going through a break-up¹, such as:

·      Being the one broken up with (sorry dumpees L)

·      Stress in other areas of one's life (problems at a job, conflict between friends, etc.)

·      Negative beliefs about oneself (i.e. blaming yourself for the break-up)

There are other elements that leads some to feel greater stress about their break-up than others.   Individuals who felt rejected or betrayed, experienced their break-up recently, and had a difficult time finding a new relationship experience higher levels of distress when grieving their romantic relationship¹.

The suddenness of a break-up can make us freak out even more.  Along with other types of losses in our lives, when we lose someone we love very suddenly, we tend to feel in shock, leaving us feeling empty, numb, and as if we are living in a daze.  The world seems more surreal, and because of this, it takes us a while to adjust to the new norm.  My friend noted that, when her and her boyfriend suddenly broke-up, it was hard for her to process what happened.

“The break-up was so sudden and there had been a lot of arguing following up to the break-up”

Suddenness can lead to follow-up arguments, which can lead to more distress.  This escalation of distress can drag the break-up longer and leave us in an ambiguous limbo zone.  And then we feel even more distressed.  And then we argue more.  It’s a vicious cycle!

If you are feeling paranoid or anxious about how you will handle the stress of breaking up with a lover, never fear, researchers have found some protective factors that help to buffer the impacts of break-ups.  While a majority of this research is focused around protective factors for grieving the death of a loved one, I believe they apply really well to our romantic relationship break-ups as well. 

One of the greatest protective factors seen to soften the impacts of grieving a loved one is social support.  Researchers have found that positive social support is critical to recovering from a loss³.  Mourning the loss of a loved one while being surrounded by positive peers may be essential and invaluable to making sense of life after a loss³.  This social support undoubtedly has a positive impact on one’s prolonged grief and depression³.

My friend said it best when discussing how to handle the stress of her break-up;

“It was so important for me to remain positive about the situation.  Surrounding myself with positive relationships, I believe, was the most helpful part of moving on from my break-up”

If you read through that list of risk factors above and are thinking to yourself “Holy crap.  If/when my partner and I break-up, I’m completely screwed”, or if you are feeling like you relate a little too well to this distress, know that you are not alone.  These feelings are common for so, so many college students.  Know that it gets easier.  The research even says so!  We experience the greatest distress right after a break-up, and with time, our hearts heal¹. 

When it feels like your world is falling apart, and you cannot physically handle more stress, try to remain positive. 

Surround yourself with people that help you to refocus on the things in life that bring you joy and help you to find meaning in the madness. 

Focus on the relationships that fill you up, rather than the ones that bring you down.

Think about how much stronger of a person you will be on the other side of this challenge.  Rest in the fact that it will get easier because I promise you, it will.