Green with Envy or Red with Abuse?

Green with Envy or Red with Abuse?

Ah, the big green monster, the emotion you probably hate to openly express the the most. Jealousy is an unfortunately large part of human nature, especially in romantic relationships. Some people are naturally less jealous than others. Chances are, however, you have felt the uncomfortable itch of jealousy before. Although jealousy is a normal human emotion, it can cause a lot of issues in romantic relationships. Some people view jealousy as flattering and a sign that their significant other truly loves them. Particularly, those of us with more insecure or anxious attachment styles tend to be more jealous than those with a secure attachment.¹ However, sometimes, perceived jealousy can actually be signs of emotional abuse. Regardless of whether you are a particularly jealous person or not, it’s important to recognize unhealthy jealous behaviors in yourself and in your partner.1

Especially in a college setting, it seems that jealousy is a major topic of relationship strife. Feeling like your significant other is giving more time, attention, or affection to someone else can be difficult to handle. On the other hand, having a jealous significant other when you’re not particularly jealous can be difficult, as well. Many couples struggle with this disconnect. An individual I talked to explained her struggle with jealousy

“I tend to be a very jealous person. My boyfriend is good friends with his ex girlfriend. With my jealous nature, this was extremely difficult for me to get over at first. I would be tempted to monitor their infrequent text messages and snoop. It created a lot of conflict between us because he felt insulted that I didn’t trust him. I’ve gotten better, but I still notice it now and again.”

I think the majority of us can relate to her experience to some degree. However, researchers indicate that certain patterns of jealous behavior can indicate abuse. Research conducted on 160 men and their partners indicated that jealousy often positively correlated with abusive behavior.¹ However, the researchers did not refer to natural jealousy as abusive behavior. Researchers indicated that jealousy became abusive and problematic when the jealous partner created unwarranted jealous conflict.¹  In a relationship, that might look like a partner becoming confrontative and jealous about an interaction with a peer or coworker as being “flirtatious,” when it is simply cordial and harmless. A family member that I interviewed explained her experience with a partner whose jealousy became abusive:


“My ex boyfriend used to workout at the gym I worked at. When I would be friendly and
kind to male members, he would accuse me of flirting with them. It was to the point where if I greeted a guy at the front desk, I was trying to get his number. Then, he would constantly come into workout during my shifts, and he would wait in the parking lot until my shift was over. It wasn’t until he tried to get me to quit my job that I realized I had to dump him like a hot potato.”

Researchers would describe what my family member was experiencing as “intrusiveness.” This is when a jealous partner partakes in unwarranted following, watching, or involvement in their partner’s life outside of the relationship. Although individuals can feel compelled to do this for a variety of reasons, an insecure childhood attachment or history of trauma and abuse are some of the primary indicators of this form of abuse.

It is easy to believe that jealousy is natural and sometimes even a sign of affection. However, certain levels and forms of jealous are unhealthy. Whether you notice these behaviors in you or your partner, it is important to recognize the warning signs of abusive jealousy. Do you notice yourself or your partner creating unwarranted conflict in response to fear or mistrust? Do you notice yourself or your partner excessively monitoring one another? These can be signs of abusive jealousy. If you notice these signs in a relationship, it is important to remove yourself from the abusive pattern, and seek support. Jealousy is a natural part of human relationships, but remember, jealousy does not equal love.

¹Attridge, M. (2013). Jealousy and relationship closeness: Exploring the good (reactive) and bad (suspicious) sides of romantic jealousy. SAGE open, 3(1), 2158244013476054.
²Dutton, D. G., Van Ginkel, C., & Landolt, M. A. (1996). Jealousy, intimate abusiveness, and intrusiveness. Journal of Family Violence, 11(4), 411-423.

Should my Ex be my Enemy?

Should my Ex be my Enemy?

A primary area of debate in the topic of relationships is whether we should be friends with our ex. Perhaps the most dreaded sentiment of a breakup: “We can still be friends.” Some of us would say they would rather be hit by a truck than be friends with our ex. Others of us may maintain strong friendships with several of our past love interests. On the other hand, a good majority of us struggle with the choice to cut all ties with our ex or maintain a casual friendship. A pervasive idea portrayed in modern society is that “there’s no such thing as being just friends with an ex.” 

Especially in college, maintaining friendship with an ex is a choice many of us are faced with. Generally, individuals have mutual friend groups, interests, and activities that might include a past romantic partner. In some cases, maintaining a friendship with this person may create a less awkward and stressful dynamic in social situations. On the other hand, being friends with an ex can reignite potent emotions and create unnecessary turmoil. I talked to some people on both ends of the spectrum. One of my friends mentioned:

“I dated my ex girlfriend for about a year and a half. We had a pretty cordial breakup,
and we’re still friends. It makes it a lot easier to hang out with our friend group when I
don’t have to worry about the awkwardness or tension. For me, I think it creates less
drama than trying to completely avoid each other.”

A research study conducted on 186 college students’ current relationship with their former partner would argue that my friend’s experience is reflective of their findings.1 The results of the study found that individuals who received more positive resources from the friendship with their ex had higher friendship quality than those who received less resources from maintaining a friendship with their ex.1 Essentially, individuals who received things such as love, status, services, or convenience from the friendship likely had higher friendship quality. In this case, my friend maintains emotional and social benefits by remaining friends with his ex. In turn, the friendship quality is also higher.

On the other hand, one of the people I interviewed explained that she maintains no friendships with any of her ex partners, and she is perfectly happy with that. The same study of college students discussed above also indicated that many individuals have high satisfaction despite low frequency of resources and low friendship quality from an ex. As research describes, individuals, like my friend, can be completely content with the dissolution of a friendship with their past partner if their expectations and circumstances related to the relationship align.

One of the most problematic aspects of remaining friends with an ex can be the disapproval of friends and family. I can say from experience, that many of my friendships with my ex partners have been difficult because my friends and family did not approve. Researchers indicate that barriers such as disapproval by a social support system can contribute to an inability to maintain a stable friendship with a past partner. Another example of a barrier is having a new partner. Many individuals find that they are unable to maintain their friendship with their ex once they begin a new relationship.²

So is it wrong to not want to come near your ex with a ten foot pole? Not necessarily. Is it a death sentence to try to keep that snapchat streak with the person you casually dated for a few months? I would say no. The most important thing to consider when deciding to stay friends with an ex is what the friendship would positively contribute to both of your lives, and whether you would be satisfied. When you begin to think the negatives may outweigh the positives, it may be helpful to let the relationship go to experience new opportunities.


¹Busboom, A. L., Collins, D. M., Givertz, M. D., & Levin, L. A. (2002). Can we still be friends? Resources and barriers to friendship quality after romantic relationship dissolution. Personal Relationships, 9(2), 215-223.
²Villella, S. (2010). Broken up but not broken: Satisfaction, adjustment, and communication in post-dissolutional relationships. Communication and Theater Association of Minnesota Journal, 37(1), 3.

"She's Got Daddy Issues"

“She’s got Daddy Issues”

Thanks to our dear old friend, Sigmund Freud, who coined the term ‘father complex,’ the concept of daddy issues has been a focus of love life turmoil for decades. Daddy issues are essentially obstacles many of us face in forming and maintaining relationships due to emotional repercussions of an absent or turbulent childhood relationship with our father. We’ve all probably heard this plenty of times. “I swear she only dates men at least five years older than her. Talk about daddy issues.” Men are often accused of having daddy issues, as well. “He wouldn’t know commitment if it slapped him in the face. He must have some serious daddy issues!”

Chances are, whether it’s been you, a friend, or a family member; you have known someone who appears to have the infamous plague of ‘daddy issues.’ Although daddy issues are primarily used to describe female struggles with healthy relationship formation, self-esteem, and sexuality, this is a problem that can affect absolutely anyone. Typically, daddy issues manifest in men’s lives through struggles with commitment, affection, or respect in relationships. People experience these obstacles in a variety of ways, and not one individual is affected exactly the same as the next. Some experts would argue, that we all actually have our own level of daddy issues to a certain degree¹

Daddy issues can be a particularly sensitive topic for many people, specifically because it often addresses painful or uncomfortable experiences from the past. From an attachment perspective, daddy issues are disruptions in attachment carrying on into our romantic relationships.1 Although reflecting on potential daddy issues is difficult, many people often find relief from recognizing and addressing the way their relationships with father figures contributed to their relationship formations in adolescence and adulthood. A friend I talked to explained her experience with her own perceived struggle with daddy issues.

“I never realized how much my dad’s alcoholism and inconsistency in my life impacted me until I noticed what kind of boys I tend to date. Boys who are emotionally unavailable for some reason seem to be the ones I chase after most. I also looked for self validation from boys a lot in high school, and I would let them take advantage of me. It sounds super cliche’, but now that I’m older and can recognize it, I try to remember that I deserve better.”

From an attachment perspective, I would guess my friend’s father had an avoidant attachment with her. I have also had my own experience with avoidant fathers and daddy issues. Between an alcoholic father who died when I was nine, to an unaffectionate and uninvolved stepfather, I noticed my own fair share of relationship issues. Low self-esteem, a tendency toward toxic relationships, and an undying desire to feel wanted were just a few of the clues I began to notice in high school which led me to believe I had some serious daddy issues.

My friend and I are certainly not alone in our experience. A research study conducted on fatherless women’s communication in romantic relationships revealed that women with inconsistent and absent fathers were more likely to stay in dysfunctional relationships.²The study also revealed that many women would partake in self-silencing if they felt threat of their significant other leaving the relationship.² Similar studies conducted on adolescent sexuality revealed that adolescents with absent or inconsistent father-figures in childhood were likely to exhibit higher sexual promiscuity such as earlier onset of sexual activity, more sexual partners, and more risky sexual behaviors.1

Although this research may seem disheartening, a poor childhood experience is not a lifetime sentence to dysfunctional relationships. Human development research has indicated that childhood experiences and relationships greatly impact adult relationship experiences. However, research has also exhibited the power of individual resilience and protective factors.³ So what can someone do if they think they might be experiencing daddy issues? The best thing to do is recognize and reflect on how your past may be impacting your present relationships. If you have a history of dysfunctional male figures in your life, look to positive male role models and functional relationships to guide you. Therapy can also be a great option to understand unaddressed attachment issues. If it is possible to repair or strengthen your relationship with fathers or stepfathers, doing so might help. Don’t be afraid to talk to your partner about how your past has affected your emotions and communication. Yes, daddy issues are real, but they certainly don’t have to define your future relationships.

¹Bowling, S. W., & Werner-Wilson, R. J. (2000). Father-daughter relationships and adolescent female sexuality: Paternal qualities associated with responsible sexual behavior. Journal of HIV/AIDS prevention & education for adolescents & children, 3(4), 5-28.
²Jackson, L. M. (2010). Where's my daddy? Effects of fatherlessness on women's relational communication.
³Werner, E. E. (2000). Protective factors and individual resilience. Handbook of early childhood intervention, 2, 115-132.

Long-Distance Relationships

Saying goodbye to someone we love is never easy, especially if it’s our partner or spouse. More and more people are involved in long-distance relationships and many of us have experienced this challenging separation first hand.  We have waited to see our partner for so long and only get to see them for a short time before they are off again.  These feelings of separation protest³ or not wanting to let our partner go after we see them are a very normal experience.

Luckily, long-distance relationships can be just as satisfying and stable as relationships with those who are in close proximity³.  There are many new ways to maintain feelings of closeness or proximity without being physically near our partner. While physical closeness is still a desire of most of us in these relationships, the ability to contact our partner through technology has greatly advanced. In addition, there are ways to feel psychologically close through replaying of memories or looking at pictures. This is a useful tool to use during time of separation, but does not necessarily replace the feeling of being face to face with our partner.

But there are differences in how attachment is experienced in close and long-distance relationships.  For those of us who have been in a long-distance relationship, we have experienced the vicious reunion-separation cycle time and time again. The goodbyes cause us to experience distress that may target the attachment system. Those we love make us feel safe and being separated from them may leave us feeling anxious².

For those of us in long-distance relationships, we rely heavily on the reunion experience after a long time away from our partner. This style of relationship can leave us feeling lonely or lost at time, but that does not necessarily predict a secure attachment¹. In long-distance relationships it is very common for us to feel decreased relationship satisfaction following two weeks of our partner departing, or even less¹.

In certain circumstances, such as military relationships, this cycle may be experienced differently due to the additional risks that armed forces face when they travel overseas. These couples often face uncertainty of whether or not their spouse is okay or if they will return home. This is often reflected in non-deployed spouse’s attachment and reaction to their partner being deployed.

Based on the dangers of the military, many wives of deployed spouses reported avoidance behaviors while their partner was deployed¹.  In addition, reports of anxious thoughts were described in the last few weeks awaiting their spouse’s arrival back home. A unique aspect of this was those who experience avoidance and anxiety while their spouse or partner is deployed, was that positive, secure attachment was restored upon their spouses return³. However, the reunion does not always produce immediate relationship harmony. It may take time for the relationship to return to its previous status. This shows that though feelings fluctuate while our partner is away, it is still possible to maintain a secure attachment and a healthy relationship across far distances.

Signs that signal that we are in a healthy long-distance relationship may be an increase in “we-ness.”  The greater sense of couple hood we have with our far away partner or spouse may result in a shared identity, leading to a greater sense of security².

Long-distance relationships aren’t for all of us, but for those of us who are foraging the way and driving (or flying) to see our partner, it is important to keep in mind that all types of relationships can be successful. It’s never easy to let our partner go, but the joy of the reunion that is to come, may be worth the wait.

¹Borelli, J. L., Sbarra, D. A., Snavely, J. E., McMakin, D. L., Coffey, J. K., Ruiz, S. K., … Chung, S. Y. (2014). With or without you: Preliminary evidence that attachment avoidance predicts nondeployed spouses’ reactions to relationship challenges during deployment. Professional Psychology: Research and Practice, 45(6), 478–487. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1037/a0037780.supp

²Borelli, J. L., Sbarra, D. A., Randall, A. K., Snavely, J. E., St. John, H. K., & Ruiz, S. K. (2013). Linguistic indicators of wives’ attachment security and communal orientation during military deployment. Family Process, 52(3), 535–554. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/famp.12031

³Pistole, M. C. (2010). Long-distance romantic couples: An attachment theoretical perspective. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 36(2), 115–125. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2009.00169.x

Cheating

It’s something we all dread—some more than others—and the fear of being cheated on can keep us from fully opening up in relationships. It is a fear that is, quite unfortunately, founded in logic, as over 25% of married men and 20% of married women engage in extramarital sex over the course of their marriage⁴.

But what about dating couples? Well, one’s behavior in dating relationships can, unsurprisingly, predict their behaviors in marriages.

The likelihood that a person will cheat on their partner is, like so many other things, related to our attachment styles, or the idea that our childhood experiences with caregivers shape our future behavior and expectations for our romantic relationships. And unfortunately, there is more bad news for those of us who are insecurely attached, whether married or dating, as we are more likely to cheat on our partners than those of us who are securely attached⁴.

Anxiously attached individuals are more likely to seek intimacy with another partner through infidelity if they feel that their needs for intimacy are not being met, whereas those of us, like myself, who are avoidantly-attached are more likely to be chronically less committed to our relationships, and possess more sexually permissive attitudes⁴.

I know what you’re all thinking: it’s just more bad news for those of us who are insecurely attached. But, there is hope. As we’ve talked about on this blog before, there are steps that you can take to become more securely attached to your partners, and improve relationship satisfaction, which would effectively work to prevent infidelity and strengthen your relationship, which you can read about here.

These steps can be taken as preventative measures before infidelity occurs, but they can also be taken after learning about an affair; and an astounding 60-75% of married couples stay married after learning of one partner’s affair¹.

Whether a couple stays together after an affair has a lot to do with their level of commitment and their willingness to work on the relationship, and this is true whether a couple is married or if they are dating⁴.

I know how challenging it can be to trust someone and be willing to be vulnerable when the threat of cheating and the fear of betrayal remains. And although I haven’t been cheated on, I’ve seen the effects first hand.

When I was in middle school, my mom found out that my father had been having a secret affair for years, and was leaving her for another woman. The whole family was shocked as he filed for divorce and left, and my mom and I were left behind to pick up the pieces of our family.

So it comes as no surprise to me that partners who are cheated on often experience symptoms similar to posttraumatic stress disorder².

I asked one friend who was cheated on what it was like for her, and she described it as a truly traumatic experience:

“It was so much worse for me than a regular breakup. I’ve been dumped before, but being cheated on made me doubt myself and feel worthless. I was angry and depressed, and it took years before I could look back with clarity and see that it wasn’t a reflection of me or my worth as a partner.”

As traumatic as being cheated on can be, there is hope for individuals and for couples. My own childhood experiences and watching my parents split up have had a lot to do with why I am more insecurely attached and shy away from emotional intimacy. I’ve seen the pain that can result from trusting someone too much, and it can be terrifying.

But, again, there is hope for all of us. And while I still tend towards insecure attachment, I have happily been with my partner for nearly two years, and we are quite securely attached. It has taken a lot of work on both of our ends, and will likely take more work as time goes on. But, by working to become securely attached in our romantic relationships we can all work to improve relationship satisfaction and prevent infidelity, since couples who are securely attached are significantly less likely to cheat on their partners⁴.

And, again, there is hope for couples that have already experienced infidelity as well, if both partners are willing to work at it. Therapy can be very effective, and some couples even report closer marital relationships following an affair and therapy³.

While the thought of being cheated on can be a terrifying and intrusive thought that can prevent us from opening up, it doesn’t have to be. So often affairs are a result of underlying problems related to attachment insecurity, and this can be improved over time.

In the case of my own parents, they had their fair share of other problems, and the affair was just the precipitating factor for their divorce. To be honest, they’re both far happier now than when they were together.

For others, don’t let fear get in the way of your happiness. There’s hope for preventing affairs, and hope for healing after them. For those of us who are anxiously attached: slow down, relax, and trust in your partner before jumping to conclusions or doing something you’ll regret. For those of us who are avoidantly attached, take a chance on your partner and try opening up—they might just surprise you.

 ¹Baucom, D. H., Snyder, D. K., & Gordon, K. C. (2009). Helping couples get past the affair: A

clinician's guide. New York: Guilford Press.

²Blow, A. J., & Hartnett, K. (2005). Infidelity in committed relationships II: A substantive review.

Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 31(2), 217-233. doi: 10.1111/j.1752-0606.2005.tb01556.x

³Fincham, F. D., & Beach, S. R. H. (2010). Marriage in the new millennium: A decade in review.

Journal of Marriage and Family, 72(3), 630-649. doi: 10.1111/j.1741-3737.2010.00722.x

⁴Russell, V. M., Baker, L. R., & McNulty, J. K. (2013). Attachment insecurity and infidelity in

marriage: Do studies of dating relationships really inform us about marriage? Journal of Family

Psychology, 27(2), 242–251. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1037/a0032118

Why can't I sleep?

We’ve all experienced it: anger and irritation due to lack of sleep. I can remember countless times that I have become frustrated over my partner simply breathing too loud when I am tired.  As college students, we are pulled in many directions and sometimes sleep ends up on the bottom of the priority list.  What we likely don’t consider about the amount of sleep we get is how it may affect our closest relationships.  It is not unlikely for us to take out our anger on those who we are closest with, because we trust them the most.  Yet, the research is unclear if better sleep leads to more secure romantic attachment or if secure attachment leads to better sleep¹.

The unfortunate news for all of us is that regardless or our attachment style, we are all likely to experience sleep disturbances¹, some just more than others.  Whether it’s the snoring or our attachment, our chances of getting more sleep don’t seem great.  For those of us who experience anxious attachment and may feel supremely vulnerable in our current or potential relationships, we may face sleep challenges due to overthinking a situation, AKA ruminating¹.

“I lay there and think and think and think, and before I know it, its 2AM.”

It can be very frustrating when we can’t seem to fall asleep because we are overthinking every moment of seeing our crush from across campus, especially because today he smiled back. This giddy emotion can become too much to handle and all we can think about is maybe running into him again tomorrow. But then, the giddiness turns to terror and all we can think is what if he only smiled because I was having a bad hair day or my makeup looked like a clown? Even worse, what if I am just not good enough for any relationship? All of these thoughts can keep us up to all hours of the night and may resemble those of us with anxious attachment; those of us who may be losing sleep because we find ourselves overthinking every detail.

On the other hand, those of us with avoidant attachment styles may be suppressing emotions and feeling as though we have needs unmet by our partner, which is also a contributor to sleep disturbances¹.  Those of us with this attachment style may see the same crush on campus and try to suppress the true emotions we are feeling because we don’t want to get our hopes up. Or, we may not even be truly interested, but our biology is making us feel like we are.  Even though we may not be overthinking, we are still likely to lose sleep while making an effort to calm our biological systems.

Regardless of which of these categories we fall under, any emotional distress or conflict with our partner will likely lead to decreased sleep for the night¹.

Sleep is a major factor of self-care in the lives of us college students.  It’s something we heavily rely on to focus and be engaged in the present moment.  Despite the many factors of relationships that could be keeping us awake, it is important to recognize why we may be losing sleep. First, try just becoming aware of your rumination or suppression, and remind yourself that you are normal. Many other people are doing exactly what you are doing, at this exact same moment!  And then,maybe give a creative solution a try. While we likely can’t change our day or experiences with a partner or crush, we can try listening to music, consuming less caffeine, or putting down screens an hour before bed.  These may not be full-proof, but give them a shot next time you see your crush or stay something stupid to your SO and can’t seem to sleep.

¹Adams, G. C., & McWilliams, L. A. (2015). Relationships between adult attachment style ratings and sleep disturbances in a nationally representative sample. Journal of Psychosomatic Research, 79(1), 37–42. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1016/j.jpsychores.2014.12.017