If you’re someone lucky enough to have snatched up a
significant other who seems to complete you in every way, congratulations! What
a gift and joy embarking in a serious relationship can be, if you play your
cards right. But anyone who’s been in a committed partnership for an extensive
period of time knows that making it last is no walk in the park. Marriage is
hard work, and if you’re anything like my parents, you won’t always like your
spouse… but hopefully you’ll always love them, until death do you part.
How do you get there? How do you maintain the love and
commitment that is necessary to carry two broken people through the most
difficult realities of partnership, all while keeping “the spark” alive? And
what role does your attachment style play in the creation and sustaining of an
unbreakable connection?
While I am personally lacking in commitment experience, I
have an array of wise voices in my world who offer great nuggets of wisdom when
it comes to being “in it for the long haul.” I interviewed six people in
committed romantic relationships; two have been married for 26 years,
one has been married for 13 years, one got married a year ago, and two are
engaged to be married (to different people). I talked to each of my
participants separately, to eliminate answers being swayed. I hope their
responses to questions of intimacy in a committed relationship shed some light
on the reality of what it takes to make this thing, called love, last.
If you could give a
new couple one piece of advice to create an intimate bond, what would you say?
Engaged: Rely on a shared belief that both of you have. Be willing to be open and vulnerable in the hard parts, don’t fake it.
26 years married: Share your fears. It creates vulnerability.
13 years married: Be quick to forgive.
Engaged: Do fun things that both of you like to do.
26 years married: Serve your mate. Don’t’ be selfish, serve no matter what.
One year married: Quality time together with no cell phones or distractions, not even movies or TV
What are the
quintessential factors to maintaining a healthy, close relationship?
Engaged: Honesty, forgiveness for both yourself and your partner, willingness to admit your own short-comings and actually do something about them/grow from mistakes.
13 years married: Forgiveness, actual unconditional love, selfless desire to please the other person.
26 years married: Don’t forget to date! Even after 26 years. Communication; Don’t hold things in. Discuss in a timely manner. Find common interests and do them together. Give each other a healthy space.
Engaged: Communication, trust and reliability.
One year married: The ability to work through conflict in a healthy way with good communication.
26 years married: Time and proximity on a regular basis plus communication. Men, listen!
When did you know that
your partner was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?
26 years married: As we became friends, I knew she was the one I wanted to share my life with.
Engaged: Over time. After we decided to choose each other, even after we had hurt each other.
13 years married: We were doing long distance for a summer, and then I got off the phone with her and realized I couldn’t live the rest of my life without her.
One year married: Not sure exactly when—maybe one time when we danced on the beach at sunset.
26 years married: After a couple months of dating.
Engaged: You just kind of know.
How have you and your
partner overcome difficulties in your relationship?
26 years married: Lots and lots of forgiveness, with a huge dose of me changing and growing.
Engaged: Having people in our lives that are willing to keep us accountable and be honest/call us out. Actually addressing things instead of just hoping they’ll get better.
13 years married: Quality and quantity communication.
26 years married: Humility. Ask for forgiveness. Talk! Talk! Talk! Focus on the good aspects. Listen to other friends bitch about their lousy husbands and realize just how good you have it!
Engaged: Talking it out and seeking counsel from a wise couple that both of you trust.
One year married: By being available to each other and cancelling other plans when needed to communicate and have needed quality time.
Can you share three
words that come to mind when you think of the word “commitment”?
Engaged: Lasting, trust, intimacy
One year married: Steadfast, resilience, unwavering
26 years married: Work, satisfaction, intentional
Engaged: Choice, long-term, selfless
26 years married: Long-term, bond, covenant
13 years married: Unconditional, predetermined, effort
I don’t know about you, but reading through these replies
inspires and encourages me to begin to think about ways in which I can ensure
intimacy and closeness in a future committed relationship. There seems to be a
theme amid each of my interviewees’ thoughts and reflections: one of putting
your partner first, being willing to work for the relationship, and a lot of communication.
While there are some fantastic, practical tips for creating committed
intimacy represented above, there is one other monumental factor that needs to be considered in the maintenance of a
lasting partnership. This factor has been forming and evolving since you were
born, and many family study theorists argue that it is the foundation on which
all relationship success is built. I am referring to none other than your
attachment style. Let’s hop onto the attachment “train” for a second: research
reveals that greater intimacy is more likely to be felt by secure people than
either anxious or avoidant people1.
“Secure people had more optimistic
beliefs about romantic love than their anxious or avoidant counterparts. Secure
people were more likely to believe in the existence of romantic love, the
possibility of maintaining intense love over a long period, and the possibility
of finding a partner one could really fall in love with”1
A large body of evidence also concludes that insecurely
attached individuals showcase lower relational commitment, and are less likely
to engage in relationship maintenance efforts, make sacrifices for the
relationship, and employ healthy communication habits. Insecure partners also
engage in more frequent and severe relationship conflict and have a harder time
expressing respect, admiration, and gratitude toward their mate1.
Now, maybe you’re rolling your eyes, because you’re sick and
tired of hearing about attachment styles and it all seems slightly
overwhelming; perhaps you don’t actually have a clue where you stand on the
secureàanxiousàavoidant spectrum. Have
no fear. Below are a few resources to delve into your personal attachment
style, as well as how you relate to a romantic partner. You may find it is
beneficial to have your partner complete these assessments as well:
1. Attachment Styles and Close Relationships: http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl
2. Experiences in Close Relationship Scale- Short Form (ECR-S): http://wei.public.iastate.edu/manuscript/ECR-S.pdf
3. Relationship Attachment Style Test: http://testyourself.psychtests.com/testid/2859
Hopefully the combination of my interviewees’ advice and the
invitation to navigate your attachment style more intentionally will prolong
the life of your romantic relationship… maybe even “until death do you part.” I’m
confident that fighting for a more intimate commitment and secure attachment
with your partner will not only greatly aid in your happiness, it will be just
what the doctor ordered for your lovesick diagnosis.
Really well written - LOVE the insights!
ReplyDeleteVery insightful! You give many of us things to think about ... whether we are newly weds or old folgies.
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate your practical and thoughtful approach to "commitment" in this article! Even after 23 yrs of marriage I am still learning and your article was very helpful in that process!
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteThanks for this awesome post, Megan! I’ve always found myself being curious about how some people make their relationships last and others can’t seem to grasp that correct equation for a strong commitment. I love your friend’s advice about the importance of spending quality time with your partner away from distractions like electronics or media. I think that our world is so overly focused on what’s going on everywhere else, that we forget how important the things happening right around us can be. I also noticed how often they mentioned vulnerability and communicating even about things that are hard to talk about. Not every conversation will be easy, but if you’re with the right person you will be able to talk through it together and be better because of it. I definitely have to push myself to be more vulnerable sometimes, but I can see how it makes my boyfriend and I closer when I do. It’s also important to remember that even the couples that have been together a long time aren’t perfect, you just have to be willing to work for your relationship. Thanks for the good insight!
Wow! What awesome insight! I love all the advice that was given in this post. I think one thing that stood out to me most when considering my own self in future relationships was forgiveness for yourself. Often, I think it is easier for many of us to forgive others, but it is incredibly hard to forgive ourselves if we fall short of our expectations. As has been said, we are our own greatest critics. Nobody is perfect, and there will be mistakes made along the way when cultivating a lifelong relationship, but we must learn to forgive ourselves. Otherwise, we might add more stress onto the relationship than we want. The insight of all the couples you interviewed was great. It goes to show that lifelong, committed relationships are not a cake walk. Rather, it involves constant effort and perseverance through the ups and downs life throws at you. But how beautiful of a relationship it will be if you stick with it! Thanks for sharing Megan!
ReplyDeleteMegan, thank you for this great post! I think it is so important to address the extensive work that marriage and commitment require. I like that you provided insight from six different individuals, especially those interviewees who have been married for several years. I thought it was interesting that many of the interviewees had similar responses no matter how long they have been married or even engaged. The advice pertaining to overcoming difficulties was very helpful. Hard times make or break relationships, so learning how to get through these rough patches will create a stronger attachment in the end. Asking for forgiveness allows one to admit that they have made a mistake, and their partner will eventually be able to look past the mistake over time. Time heals. I also really enjoyed reading the section about how each person came to know that their partner was the one. Not everyone experiences love at first sight, and it is often a mutual understanding that both individuals come to in their own way. I think the manner in which people fall in love and choose their significant other is representative of their attachment style. Thanks again for this post, Megan!
ReplyDeleteGreat job with this post, Megan. I really liked the questions you asked the couples, because they are questions that I have been wondering about too. I found it very interesting that the answers were so similar for most couples, especially the couple that has been married for 26 years vs. the engaged couples. I took these answers as advice because my boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 and a-half years so things are getting serious. We both want to get married eventually, so we will take any advice we can get. My boyfriend and I both realize that relationships aren’t easy, but we know its possible to make it work. This was a great blog entry idea!
ReplyDeleteWow, Megan! I really loved this post. I really appreciate how you addressed and recognized how much hard work it takes to stay in a committed, life-long, loving relationship. Sometimes it feels like once you find your soulmate, you're good to go and life will be a lovely walk in the park, when unfortunately that may not always be the case! A couple of the main points your interviewees gave were that forgiveness, communication, and selflessness are crucial to committed relationships. These are things that, in my opinion, are easy to fall by the wayside. It can be so easy to get caught up in holding on to your partners wrongdoings and your own selfish ambitions. I know in my past relationship, I frequently kept a list of what my partner did wrong and felt like my needs were above theirs at certain times, and looking back, that definitely impacted our relationship in a negative way. Thank you so much for this incredible insight, Megan! I loved this blog and will definitely be looking back on this advice in my next committed relationship!
ReplyDeleteMegan I absolutely loved this post!I love that you interviewed the several different kinds of couples! I feel like this gave so much insight as to what long term married relationships and engaged relationships are like! I have been dating my boyfriend (now fiancé) for four years now (long distance) and we are now engaged to be married this summer! I feel like a lot of what you and the different couples said really resonated with me, as I feel like I use a lot of the same values that these couples do in my own relationship. The most important things that I think kept us happy and together are commitment and like many couples expressed open communication. We have a rule that if something is bugging us we say it right then or as soon as possible. I think that’s a huge part of relationships is being able to effectively talk to each other. While we use almost all of the same traits other couples listed above, it is super interesting to compare relationships, especially couples who have been married 26 years! I also can really see how attachment comes into play here! It makes sense why secure individuals may react in those ways versus insecure! Thanks so much again for the insightful blog post!
ReplyDeleteI think you did a great job to show the similarities and differences between couples that are first starting out to couples that have been together for a long period of time. What I found more interesting were the similarities. My perception is that you do not always know the importance of putting the other person first, or to communicate, and have the willingness to be in the relationship. And maybe to take this study further is to ask how they communicate, how they put their person first, and how do they show that they are in it to win it. I think that asking the how is important to be able to see if these things change over time. I would make assumptions that it gets easier over time as you have figured out the ways your partner communicates and what they need in the relationship. But when I read this I thought a lot of my grandparents who have been together since high school and just had their 51st wedding anniversary. Their responses I believe would be similar to the couple in this study who had been married for 26 years. They do not take each other for granted and know how good of a partner they have so I think they would probably watch their friends who have lousy husbands and hug each other a little tighter at the end of the night. Obviously, I do not think there is magic rule book for love but this article eased my mind that couples from every point have similar things they need in order to last. Thanks for the insight Megan!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this post and thought you did a wonderful job exploring the different perspectives of relationships in different stages. As someone who is also not currently in any serious relationship it is sometimes hard to imagine being in a place where you would commit yourself entirely to another individual. I loved the part when asked how did you know and one couple answered you just do. My sister used to ask her friends that were married or engaged this question and they would always say you'll just know. I've never seen my sister get so frustrated with an answer and now that she is engaged she is saying the exact same thing. I just found it humorous that apparently when you're meant to be with someone you just know. One of the biggest decisions of your life and you just get to the point where you know. You would think there would be a bit more depth in the answers, but maybe when I find the one I'll just know. I love the voice of this post and the in depth questions that magnified how much work a relationship is. Thanks for the fun read!
ReplyDeleteI think that the way that you interviewed individuals from very different stages in their marriage or relationships was so clever and beneficial for your readers! I definitely resonated with how you said that couples may not always like one another, but they always love each other. An example I have of this, is how my parents are best friends and very much in love. They have the type of relationship that I strive to have. Despite this, there are times when my dad can get very cranky and short with my mom, due to hunger or a lack of sleep. In these times, my mom is not very fond of my dad or his behavior, however she still loves him, even in these moments.
ReplyDeleteAwesome blog post! Growing up I was very fortunate enough to be in a household where my parents were married and never got divorced. From this experience I have learned a lot about my own standards of love as well as have gotten first hand experience in how to maintain a relationship. A lot of what was said in the blog post specifically about quintessential factors to maintaining a healthy relationship, I could make connections to in my parents relationship. This blog post has confirmed my pre existing belief that relationships and marriage can last as well as be healthy.
ReplyDeleteThis blog post primarily focuses on the hardships marriages face as these individuals get older, throughout this post, it talks about a different arrangement of individuals engaged for different periods of time. I thought that it was interesting how the longer couples who have been married longer express to be vulnerable, open up, face insecurity with their partner, it is what makes up the intimate bond. As I was relating this example to my life, I thought about my roommate and friend, who struggled with her ex-boyfriend after he left her during a very important time in her life. For my roommate, she forgave fast, and the partner continued to do the same issues that were primarily ruining the relationship in the first place.
ReplyDeleteHello,
ReplyDeleteThis was such an informative post so thank you for sharing! It is so cool to see different pieces of advice from people who are in different stages of their relationship. I learned a lot from reading them. I have been trying to focus on bettering myself and my relationship. I have been in one for about 5 1/2 years. Those 5 1/2 years definitely came with some bumps down the road. I am always curious about what my life will look like in another 5 1/2. I look at people, like my parents, who have been together for about 30 years and wondered what the secret is.
Great post!
This article was really interesting and I really appreciated the interviews because it gave a clearer insight. I feel like when people get married, some fail to maintain the love and trust and honor that they once had. I think that at the start of a marriage or even the start of a relationship, there should be rules and tricks to help keep the relationship healthy. I remember a time when my mom and step dad were starting their marriage long distance. They made a rule where if they were ever having bad days apart from each other that they would take the time they needed before talking on the phone. This helped avoid conflict between the marriage and helped when they stopped doing long distance!
ReplyDeleteWow, I really enjoyed this post! Reading this made me think about what I value in a relationship and what I am looking for in a spouse. Based on the interviews you conducted there were common themes between all couples despite one being engaged and one being married for 26 years. The one that stood out the most to me is that being in a committed relationship and being in love is ultimately a choice. Reflecting on the relationships I see in my life it truly is a choice you need to consciously make everyday. My parents got divorced when I was 5 and both got remarried and now make that choice with their current spouses. Overall, I enjoyed reading this post and aspire to have the same love these different couples share.
ReplyDeleteOne piece of advice that stood out to me from your post was the comment from the person who had been married to their partner for 26 years who said "Don't forget to date!" This may seem like such a simple concept, but this recently became a significant aspect of my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been dating for almost 9 months now, and a few weeks ago we had a really difficult conversation. I told him that for the past few months I had not felt valued, treasured, or pursued. I felt like we had gotten into such a casual routine with one another that we were operating more as friends than as a couple. During that conversation, my boyfriend and I agreed that we needed to reignite the spark we had when we first started dating by actually going on dates and making memories with one another. Since then, we've gone to a movie at the Lyric, played pool at Brother's, played mini golf, and tonight we are baking together. I am very grateful to share that continuing to date has improved our relationship exponentially, and it's encouraging to know that a couple that has been married for 26 years feels the same way.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDeleteWhen entering a relationship, there are often various concerns and unknowns. Understanding the keys to building and maintaining long-lasting, intimate relationships, while emphasizing the importance of communication, vulnerability, and selflessness are some of the tools to a successful long-lasting relationship. Insights for individuals in various stages of commitment ie, engaged, newlywed, and long-term married highlight practices like prioritizing quality time, practicing forgiveness, and sharing interests. With this, the blog post discusses attachment styles, which profoundly influence relational success. Secure attachment fosters optimism, commitment, and healthy communication, while insecure attachment can lead to conflict and reduced relational effort. The piece encourages readers to explore their attachment styles while applying practical and psychological insights to cultivate lasting intimacy. This article resonates with me when I look at my parent's relationship. They were married at 26 and 28 and have been married for 25 years. They have been through a vast variety of ups and downs and the topic of divorce has fully come up. However, now they are happier than ever because they use time and proximity regularly to communicate. I have watched their attachment styles change as different phases of life come up, and while it hasn't always been easy, they have put in the work and are still together due to this.
I found it very interesting to see the differences in responses from the different long term relationship levels. I found it that the engaged and one year married couples seemed to emphasize intimacy, fun, and dating the most, whereas the longer married couples highlighted communication, commitment, and being quick to forgive. This really shows the way things change over time and how people work toward maintaining a lasting relationship. For my parents, who have been married for 25 years, I think they would have similar answers to the 26-year married couple. For my roommate who is just recently engaged, she would definitely fall more in line with the idea of keeping the fun alive.
ReplyDeleteIt was interesting to hear almost the same thing, yet receive different responses from the various couples. The married couples' responses showed that they always loved their partners, no matter the circumstances, and it reminded me of most couples in my life. I often see them argue over things that I think would be detrimental to their relationship, but they always work it out by communicating. I'm no expert in love, but over time, all I hear is that communication works better than anything. Reading this blog post made me realize the power of communication in relationships and how beneficial it is in all situations.
ReplyDelete