Sometimes, it seems like you are the only person who is single in the sea of college students. When you are “single and ready to mingle” it seems as if no one else is ready to mingle. What is up with that? At times, it is a tough position to be in, and it is a hard position to ignore! I am no stranger to this struggle, however, I would like to take some time to remind both you and myself that even though it may be hard to see at times, being single is one of the best stages in our life. It might sound crazy, but think about it. When you are single, you have the chance to learn about yourself. You have the chance to strengthen your other relationships. You have the chance to go out with your friends on weekend nights or binge eat ice cream while watching every episode of a TV show on Netflix for days at a time. There’s really no limit, because all of the time that isn’t committed to schoolwork, work, family, or friends is committed to yourself.
Still though, I know it is hard to be single at times. So, I took the time to interview several people on their viewpoints of the single life in order to receive some beneficial advice for myself and advice I can pass on to others. I interviewed a married couple, an engaged couple, a dating couple, and someone who is single to get all viewpoints when answering these questions. Their answers were fantastic!
1. If you could go back in time, what would be the best advice you would give to your single self?
“The best advice I would give to my past self would be to not compromise who I was to try and gain the interest of someone. Pretending or trying to like something that I really was not interested in made any relationship that could have formed completely useless since it would not be authentic. A desire to be loved is no reason to change who I was.”
“The best relationships happen when they are least expected. When you focus on enjoying life, you attract the people who feel the same way. So instead of worrying about who to date next, or constantly calling your best friend every second because “OH MY GOD, I just saw the cutest guy”, put your energy into living your life. Above all: date yourself. This way, when you meet the person you are meant to be with, you’ll have so much more to offer. Because you have such a high standard for how to treat yourself, you’ll expect no less from those around you.”
2. What are the best strategies to getting to know yourself?
“I try to always be honest and true with myself, so I guess the best way to get to know myself is to work through and understand my own emotions. I think that is key: knowing how you feel in each situation.”
“Try different things to find out what you are good at and what you enjoy. Read books and articles to see what sparks your interests. Also, pay attention to your feelings in every experience. This way, you will know how to recreate the positive responses and focus on changing the negative responses.”
3. When your past relationship(s) ended, what did you reflect upon and what intentional changes did you make for yourself when preparing for your next relationship?
“If someone broke up with me, I would definitely be sad, but in the end, I would be grateful that I didn’t end up with that person. I would reflect upon why the relationship didn’t work. This takes a lot of honesty. It’s not always the other person’s fault or perhaps it’s not anyone’s fault. Perhaps we weren’t very compatible to begin with. It’s true you may need to makes some changes in yourself, for example, if you are too needy or too insecure or not attentive enough in the relationship, but the core of who you are should not change.”
“I would reflect mostly on what characteristics of that person turned me off, how the relationship made me change, and what I didn't like about myself in the relationship. I would focus on being who I am by going back to what I personally enjoyed doing and try to make that satisfying enough for me.”
If there is one thing we should take away from this post, it is something that appeared in each person’s answer: take time to get to know yourself. Learn what your likes and dislikes are. Learn what inspires you. Learn what emotions and reactions you have in each situation. Learn what attachment style you have so that you may be able to prepare yourself for your next relationship. Strengthen the relationships you have currently with your friends and family so that you have a solid support system. There is no better time for you to do all of this then when you are single!
Most importantly, before you fall in love with someone else, fall in love with yourself. Become your own best friend, and shape yourself into the person that you want to be. Embrace every aspect of who you are, flaws and all. Because, just as my friend said above, when you know yourself, you have so much more to offer. We need to enjoy this season of singleness, because chances are it won’t last forever.
Dee Dee, I loved reading these responses from your friends. A lot of it was stuff I could relate to, and I have thought about in the past, but it’s definitely gratifying to hear it coming from someone else too. The answer that is resonating the most with me is when your friend talked about how the best relationships happen when they are least expected. I have been that girl that was tired of being single, and felt lonely, so I was always looking for whom I could potentially go on a date with. It became a bigger focus than it should have been, but I guess loneliness makes people do weird things. After some time, I stopped this habit and focused on myself. I took myself on dates to my favorite places, spent more time with my family and my friends, got back into running and I watched Greys Anatomy all the way through at least twice. That was some of the best times of my life, actually. And because of it, I got more confident in myself and learned to not need another person, and that’s exactly when I found my boyfriend. Turns out the best people really do come into your life when you aren’t looking, and you do have more to give them the more confident in yourself you feel. To be single is a beautiful thing and something to embrace. The more you get you get out of it, the better it will make your relationships down the road. Thank you for reminding us of that, Dee Dee!
ReplyDeleteThank you Dee Dee for this awesome blog post! I really loved how you acknowledges that sometimes being single is hard to ignore and really hard to handle, but that you're here in this struggle with us and that singleness can actually bring us a lot of growth and joy. I feel as though when we are single, we tend to focus on the negative aspects, rather than that the season of singleness can actually be really beautiful. I love what your friend said about dating yourself, because it is so true! When you learn to love yourself and love life without the presence of a significant other, your whole world changes! I can speak from personal experience when I say that focusing on finding a lover is absolutely exhausting, but when you shift your focus to yourself, life become a whole lot more exciting. You get to invest in yourself, your hobbies, your relationships with friends and family, and figure out what is really important to you in a relationship, which is something that is truly beautiful. This is always a wonderful reminder, so thanks again Dee Dee! I'm leaving feeling ready to take myself on a date!
ReplyDeleteDee Dee, I found your post very thoughtful and applicable. The advice your interviewees provided is valuable because everyone will go through a period in their life of being single. Personally, I found your post to be very helpful as I am going through a season of singleness. I am still learning about my attachment style because I feel that it slightly changes with new people I become friends with or date. I think that it is important to accept that your attachment style will not be compatible with everyone you come across because this is just the nature of it. An individual can feel so secure with him or herself until they meet someone that might cause them to question their security. I love that attachment can be an evolving process, and I believe this process is best facilitated by being single. I really like that you stated we must fall in love with ourselves first before we can fall in love with anyone else. This is such an important concept to understand and be able to commit to even though it is not easy. Thank you for this wonderful post Dee Dee!
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate the authenticity of the people you interviewed, Dee Dee. Their themes of “fall in love with yourself first” really hit home for me. I’ve watched one too many friends go through break-ups in which their entire world crumbled because the entirety of their identity was found in their significant other. I think this could have been avoided if they had allowed themselves to discover their own true value before dating another person. This blog post offered many reminders for myself, as well, as I navigate an extended season of singleness. I often forget to invest as much in me as I would a partner, and I need to be intentional about “dating” myself once again. I often forget that some of the adventures I dream about going on with a future mate, I can endeavor in with family or friends. Picnics, hiking, movies, exploring new places—these things aren’t reserved for the “stupid and in love,” as it were. There’s so much life to be lived, and no one should wait around to live it just because they’re “single and ready to mingle.”
ReplyDeleteI agree with the points made in this article. I have been single for a while now and used to really struggle with it; however, in the past year I have really stepped into the benefits of the single life. One thing I realized is that it is a sweet--and limited--season. Once I find a spouse, I will forever more be with him and need to respond to his needs and my own with life and decisions. Right now, I am only in charge of myself. If I want to move to a different country for 4 months (which I recently did) I can without the burden of missing my partner. When I am exhausted and burnt out from my semester, I can choose to read for 2 hours, or spend time with my gal pals to help myself refuel rather than stressing about fitting in the appropriate time for a boyfriend. Ultimately, I have the opportunity to become the woman I want to be, without the influence of a man. Knowing yourself is important, and finding happiness on your own is imperative in order to not depend on someone else for happiness. I believe you need to be content with yourself in order to have the healthiest relationship. Though I am excited for the stage of life that I am committed to someone, I am thankful for my short season of self-discovery and the time I get to stay up late giggling with my roommates rather than being married and living with a man at a young age. All seasons are sweet, especially if you embrace and delight in the richness of what each season holds.
ReplyDeleteI would have to agree that being single is probably one of the best stages in our life. It's hard sometimes because you see other people in relationships and you kind of want to be in one. Just having someone there for you who is going to love you and support you no matter what, that's special. But at the same time, being single is a time where you gotta learn to do your own thing and grow. You become this independent individual. You don't worry about what others think and you learn to appreciate yourself. You also learn to love yourself, be you. I would also agree that the best relationships happen unexpectedly. You just don't see them coming. I agree with the author, taking time to getting to know yourself is essential when you're single. You enjoy that time without having to worry about pleasing someone else. This was a really good read and I enjoyed every bit of it. I love the title too, because it's true, you gotta love your season of singleness. It takes time, but eventually you enjoy every bit of it. Loving yourself is essential no matter what.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Dee Dee for posting such a great blog. Being single myself, I took a lot from this post. I often find myself trying way to hard to find the “perfect someone” but at times it gets exhausting and it’s difficult because a lot of the time when I come close to a relationship I put up this wall and suddenly have no interest in that person. When someone had replied, “Above all: date yourself” this was really eye opening to me because with my history of dating, I always tried to change who I am in order for them to like me. I now realize that this is not healthy for my own well-being and I need date myself in order to figure out who I really am and what I need in a significant other.
ReplyDeleteI found this blog post so interesting to me and there are many points I can relate back to. The fact that this blog post describes many aspects in my life of being in the single life stage for a quite a while now. Something that really relates and settles within myself is embracing yourself and developing self-love. Without self-love, it is hard to allow yourself to be with somebody and love him or her when you cannot love yourself. I learned this through my last relationships when I felt they were not valuing me or the relationship how it should be. It made me take a step back to realize what my worth is and values. One day I will be meant for someone and will value them and our love. This post just gave me many reminders about myself and what I need to look forward to in my future relationships
ReplyDeleteDee Dee, this is really inspiring! This is something that I really needed to hear. It can be so hard to think of anything other than the fact that I am single. It can also be difficult to think of the positive aspects of singleness and I agree that it is extremely important to do. I find myself longing for an romantic relationship a lot of the time but I also really enjoy being single. I have learned a lot about myself throughout this time and it has been nice to be able to focus on me. I love "me time". Right now, I appreciate the time I have to journal, color, read, and work on the other relationships in my life. In the last several years of being single, I have created an even stronger relationship with my brother. Sometimes I just need to be told that it is okay to be single. Thank you for that!!
ReplyDeleteDee Dee I loved your post! I can totally relate to this post as I have been in a season of singleness since January. At first I was very lonely and felt the need to try to fill the void. I was going out every weekend hoping to meet someone and always trying to dress/act to impress. It was exhausting! At the beginning of March I decided to embrace being single. Since I decided that I have felt less stressed and have been able to focus on me, which relates to the idea of “dating” yourself. I have started to workout more, spend more time with my family and friends, and try things that I always wanted to. It has been one of the most growing periods of my life and am so thankful for this season. As summer approaches and many of the activities that I attend or want to attend which are heavily populated with couple, like weddings, concerts, drive in, picnics, hiking I hope I can remember the beauty in “dating myself”. So in the meantime I am going to continue to embrace this season of singleness, truly enjoy life, and wait until someone comes along that is perfect for me! Thanks for sharing and helping me continue to see the positive benefits of being single.
ReplyDeleteI think one of the most important lessons I have learned from failed relationships is that you must love yourself before loving someone else. I think this blog post did a perfect job illustrating how to appreciate being single. I used to struggle accepting that I was single and would hope that I would magically find the perfect guy. After being single for awhile now, I have learned to find ways to be happy without needing validation from a significant other. I have witnessed so many people I know slowly slip away from their friends and family after getting in a relationship. Unfortunately, after they break up, they soon realize that they don’t know how to be alone. I think it is so important for every individual to learn to love life alone because in the end you can only depend on yourself.
ReplyDeleteI really loved this post and thought it was really meaningful and interesting to read. Looking back at when I was single, I wish I wouldn't have been so hard on myself and wish I would've enjoyed it more. I agree that before getting in a relationship it's so important to know yourself and love yourself. If you aren't happy with yourself, you can't be happy in a relationship. I think it's super important to know what you like and dislike before getting in a relationship and it's also important to spend time alone and check in with yourself to make sure you're happy and being taken care of.
ReplyDeleteThis was a fantastic blog post and my favorite one I have read. This blog post hit home for me, because I would be what some people might call a “relationship person.” I am an individual who always seems to either be dating someone or where I have singled it down to one guy I want to pursue. My personality type is someone who loves to give to others and provide support, but I have seen this get me in trouble at times. Looking back I have also seen tendencies in myself to frame who I am around the person I am wanting to have a relationship with. From this blog post I now understand the importance of embracing being single to discover who I really am.
ReplyDeleteI loved reading these thoughtful responses! It really shows that your friends have grown more in their seasons of singleness. I especially love the responses on the best strategies to getting to know yourself. One thing I learned after my breakup is that I shouldn’t be in a new relationship If I don’t love myself first because how can you love someone else the way they need to be loved if you can’t love yourself? Being honest and true to yourself will only be beneficial to you in the long run. I am experiencing this at this moment. I am trying to love myself more day by day and find things that I love doing before going and trying to find a partner.
ReplyDeleteThank you for such a great blog! I got out of a relationship a few months ago and it was my first serious relationship. We had been together for three and a half years and he was what I thought was my best friend. Our breakup was extremely messy and in a way I felt like I lost a safe space and my best friend. However, one day I shifted my mentality to the one that you have written about and realized that being alone is the perfect time to focus on yourself and really take time for self care in your day-to-day life. I have applied this through therapy, journaling and other ways to better myself. I think the advice you have given in this blog can be very beneficial for anyone who may need to shift their mindset about being single.
ReplyDeleteI loved reading this post as I have always felt I am the only one in my friend group or even in college in general who has not had a very long-term relationship or found 'the one' already. I think the part of this that stood out to me the most and made me stop and think is the comment on not compromising who you are to gain the interest of someone. I have done this far too much in relationships and even flings and I think it has led me to lose small pieces of myself along the way for fear of being rejected or disliked. I am glad I am not the only one who feels this way and think this blog does an excellent job of examining how to be single and enjoy it when everyone around is doing the opposite.
ReplyDeleteHi Dee Dee,
ReplyDeleteI’m glad that you mentioned that how in a season of singleness we have the opportunity to strengthen the friendships and other relationships that we have in our lives. I have absolutely experienced faults in important relationships during the ties I have a partner.
I have also noticed this change in my roommate and one of my best friends. Over the past year and a half, she had a partner who didn’t treat her very well and would get upset whenever she went out. This led her to not going out or being close to her friends. Recently they broke up, and she has been making amends and rekindling lost relationships. I am very proud of her, and although this is a very difficult time, she is doing so well for herself.
Hello!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading this blog post and I am sure it has helped many college students feel content with being single (including myself!). I always find myself shifting back and forth between wanting to be in a relationship and wanting to be single, so I suppose this was the reassurance I needed to stay single! It was nice to read about your friends' experiences with previous relationships and what they have learned from them. I appreciated your theme of self-love and self-appreciation because I don't think that it is discussed enough. I thank you for the advice and I really enjoyed your post! :)
This blog definitely touched my heart! As much as every word was difficult to digest they were spot on! It’s lonely to be single and yes especially during these fun and outgoing college years but just like this blog life keeps reminding me that well hey being single might feel lonely but you’re certainly not alone! Family and friends are there to support you and your story because at the end of the day you are your own story's main character. “A desire to be loved is no reason to change who I was” - engaged couple. Wow, what a beautiful way to put it! Definitely reminding myself of this quote on those hard days!
ReplyDeleteHi! This blog post really spoke to me. I am in my first post-relationship single period. I was in a relationship for almost two years that was mostly long distance. We both don't want to lose each other, but niether of us know how to be single/dating while keeping each other around. There is a lot of unfinished and undiscussed stuff between us that we don't know how to handle. I know I am a mostly secure attachment style (with a bit of avoidance in it), and he is an anxious attachment. My couple and family studies class has really put the relationship in perspective, but I'm still working through it. After reading this blog post, I know I am doing great in the single life. I truly do think I'm living up to every opportunity like one of the respondents said to do! Although, the idea of starting over with someone is scary. But, this definitely reassured me that everything is going to be okay.
ReplyDeleteThis post was very inspirational. As a married person, I sometimes wish I had taken more time to focus on myself before getting married. While I do not regret marrying my spouse, there are moments in our marriage when I discover new things about myself that I had not realized before. Sharing those discoveries with my partner can feel a bit awkward at times. I think that getting to know yourself while dating might make it easier to communicate who you are, compared to figuring it out while already married. Although I would never want to become single again, I honestly do not know if I would choose to get married again. There is a part of me that feels I did not fully explore my own personal journey before marriage, and it's much harder to do so now.
ReplyDeleteThe title of this post caught my attention first as I am currently in a season of singleness. I really appreciated the advice shared from many different viewpoints as it was all beneficial to hear. Although I have been in this season for a while now, with the expectation of a couple flings here and there, I still don’t feel ready to be in a committed relationship, but I never knew why. After the Couples and Attachment lecture, it became very clear to me that I had a disorganized attachment style, both anxious and avoidant. After this most recent fling and fallout, I just realized I don’t really know myself outside of school and family, but I would really like the time to learn what I like, what I don’t like, and how to build more secure relationships, including with myself.
ReplyDeleteEven though I am currently in a relationship, I really loved this post, it was much needed to fully understand what it means to be single and the goodness in it. It reminded me of how important that time in my life was when I was single. Looking back, being on my own helpmed me understand what I value, how I like to spend my time, and the kind of partner I wanted to be. I strengthened my friendships, learned to enjoy my own presence, and built a lot of confidence and security in myself. That self-knowledge still shows up in my relationship now as I have a much clearer sense of who I am. This post is such a great reminder that singleness isn’t just a waiting period rather, it’s a time for becoming.
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