“I’m a strong, independent woman,
and I don’t need NO man to complete me,” I snapped sarcastically, after my dad
attempted to assist me with carrying my ski equipment from the chalet to the
car after a day on the slopes last week.
He chuckled heftily and warmly
replied, “For now.”
Does my snarky response to my father’s offer of help sound
familiar to you? Maybe when you think about being single, Beyoncé’s “Single
Ladies” starts ringing in your head and you feel empowered to take on the
world. It is, however, a very real possibility that when you think about being
single, your mind reverts to a place of temper-tantrum or true heartache, or
the typical Hollywood chick-flick scene plays itself out in your mind: one of
binge-eating ice-cream, gulping cheap wine and sobbing into a pillow, “I’ll be
alone forever!”
Wherever you find yourself on this spectrum, a season of
singleness can be an extremely beneficial time of growth and development if you
capitalize on it intentionally. While my dad and I were joking back and forth,
his simple reply carries some truth, that I probably won’t be single forever.
My family has often encouraged me to figure out now who I’d like to date when
the time comes, so I’m not left either grasping for an unreachably high
standard, or settling for someone mediocre at best. While I’ve heard the
perspective that dating around is the way to figure this out, that can also be
an extremely hurtful—not to mention, exhausting—method. One dating book I have
on my shelf frames this as “the buffet approach,” and argues that people should
not be treated like side dishes to be “sampled and discarded.” 1
The next few paragraphs will offer some practical tips for
those of us who are, indeed, single-and-ready-to-mingle, on how to determine what
you should look for in your next boo, without trying everything at the buffet!
Research reveals that eventually, in a child’s transition to
adolescence, we begin to intentionally seek out attachment with peers.2
Whether or not this starts as a romantic endeavor, it is clear that we desire to form
attachment with those in a similar stage of life development as ourselves (an
unnecessarily academic way of saying: we want friends!).
Might I suggest that it could be
beneficial to take a step back and observe the people in your age cohort who
you have naturally gravitated toward? Chances are, you’re likely to seek out a
partner who has similar interests and values as yourself. If you only hang out
with friends who like to go on crazy, adrenaline-producing adventures, it might
be difficult to begin dating someone whose idea of a good time is reading a
book and drinking tea on Saturday night, and vice versa.
Social Psychology reveals that shared identity is a highly
important factor for effective communication.4 And since we know
communication is a quintessential aspect of a successful relationship, we can
infer that having a shared identity with your partner is equally as crucial. One
way to establish a “shared identity” is through personality. You might find it
helpful to first figure out your personality type, and then look for a mate who
complements your disposition. Get to know yourself! Here are a few resources to
get you started (just type these into your favorite search engine):
1. Myers
Briggs
2. The Big
Five
3. True
Colors Personality Assessment
4.
Enneagram
So, what if personality isn’t the only factor that matters
to you in a potential partner? It’s so important to determine the traits that
will “make or break” your compatibility or satisfaction in a relationship, and
there’s no better time to resolve this than while you’re single!
I once heard the idea of figuring out your must-haves in a
mate compared to baking a cake (and since I love all things junk-food, this analogy clicked in my head)...
1. First, establish what is in your cake batter. There are a
few essential ingredients one needs in order to create something even
resembling cake (egg, flour, baking soda, sugar…). What are those necessary
“ingredients”—the traits or values or attributes—of a person you would consider
entering into a relationship with? Take a moment and jot them down. These are
your non-negotiables; without this list of must-haves, you might as well put
the whisk away and turn off the oven, because your cake isn’t going to turn
out. A caveat to this step in cake baking: the essentials of your future
partner might look drastically different than that of your friend of the
opposite sex. Current research maintains that men tend to look first for
physical attractiveness, and women tend to seek out status and resources.5
So cut yourself some slack if the list of ingredients for your cake batter
seems shallow or impersonal—you’re
the one committing to eating it, “until death do you part.”
Jeremy Nicholson, Ph.D., writes
this: “Decide for yourself what you really need in a partner to be happy. What
are your specific criteria? How will you know when they are satisfied and met?
Forget finding the best in everything...what are the essentials that you need
to be content? Also, disregard what everyone else has and wants - go with your
own thoughts and feelings. Make a small list of the very important,
deal-breaker, must-have items. Then, only look for those!”3
I’ll be the first to dig in—my cake batter is made up of 1-cup
sense of humor, 2-cups Christian faith, ½ cup height (6’1” or taller, sorry
guys), 1-tablespoon sensitivity, and 1-teaspoon intelligence.
2. Next, determine your favorite kind of frosting. Cream
cheese, chocolate, buttercream? Which ingredients will you need to create this?
Consider jotting down a few things you’re looking for in a future mate that
would be really difficult to let go
of… but, if you had to, at least you’d still be eating cake! Full disclosure:
my frosting ingredients are 1-cup great smile, 1-tablespoon athleticism, and 2-teaspoons
good with words/expressing himself.
3. Lastly, what are your favorite cake toppings? Make a list
of the things you’d enjoy in a future partner, but could easily live without. My
personal toppings include a dash of musical talent, a splash of spontaneity,
and a sprinkle of money-in-the-bank.
Keep this list in mind next time you’re mingling with other
singles, and limit yourself to the people you see showcasing these
traits/values/characteristics.
If neither the personality tests nor the cake-baking analogy
are cutting it for you, don’t sweat it. There are plenty of resources out there
to assist you in the process of discovering the type of person to be looking
for at the next bar or social gathering you find yourself in. I would highly
encourage you to spend as much time as you need to determine what kind of
person you’d like to end up with.
All in all, I hope you intentionally utilize your season of
singleness. Your future self—still as strong and independent as ever—will thank
you.
What a wonderful post! Great insight! I completely agree with the cake analogy and with the idea of shared identity! I do think that for some people, relationships work better if individuals have more similar personalities. I am one of those people. My last relationship was great, and the man treated me with the utmost respect and care, but unfortunately, it was just not meant to be. My parents had always told me that he was nice but they couldn’t see us together. I adamantly denied their opinion, but once again, they ended up being right. I realize now when I look back on the relationship that if we had taken one of the personality tests you suggested, we would have come up with very different results. He and I were very different people who happened to cross paths for a finite amount of time. I also now realize that there were some aspects of my current cake that he did not quite match up with, some that fell under the “necessary ingredients” category. Ultimately, we would not have been the best match. This is why I agree that we should all take time to get to know ourselves and truly understand our wants and needs. If we take time to date ourselves, we will be much more prepared for any future potential partners that come our way! Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThis post is super great for everyone, whether you are single or not! I loved the cake analogy. Not only can it be used for people looking for their next partner, but also for people who may be reevaluating if whom they are with is actually a good fit for them. One lesson I’ve learned personally is to NEVER compromise on your essentials (or cake batter) when picking a partner. For me, these essentials are being open minded to diverse people, patience, selflessness and the ability to have a good time together while doing nothing. Even if these essentials sound small to you, which sometimes they are and that’s ok, that doesn’t mean you should compromise on them. Don’t date someone that doesn’t have these essentials, or a trait that offsets these, because in the long run that decision could come back to hurt you. There are plenty of people in the world, and you will find one that fits your essentials. Compromising on them is just as bad for you personally as it is for that potential relationship. It’s ok to compromise, in fact I think it’s essential for a good relationship, but if that compromise is happening in things you need in order to feel save and loved unconditionally, then they probably aren’t your person. However, don’t forget that it’s ok to make these mistakes. I know I did! After all, it’s hard to figure out what your essentials are until you date some people that definitely missed the mark. You really can learn a lot about yourself and what you want from relationships that don’t work, so don’t take those for granted just like you wouldn’t take your quintessential relationship for granted. Thanks for the tips Megan!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this post, Megan! I loved all of your analogies and stories, especially the cake baking one. It made me really reflect and think about what my cake batter, frosting, and topings are. I like to think I have it all figured out based on what I've learned throughout my past relationship, however when I sat down to decide what my non-negotiable qualities are, I had a difficult time deciphering which ones were absolutely essential and which would just be nice. This post made recognize how crucial it is to have it somewhat figured out before entering into a new relationship. I think it is so important to have a good idea of what these fundamental qualities are, so that you are better able to distinguish whether or not the person you are considering entering a relationship with is worth it. Sounds harsh, but seriously, it will save you so much time and heart ache in the long run! Thanks again, Megan, for this insight and for being so vulnerable in sharing your own cake ingredients!
ReplyDeleteMegan, this post was wonderful! I really appreciate your insight on making the most during times of singleness. I agree that being single is a critical part of one’s personal development. People really can reflect on what they value in life, what they value in others, and most importantly, what they value in themselves. A significant other should fulfill and enhance these qualities. I really like that you had a step-by-step “recipe” on how to find your significant other and you included some of your own ingredients. Understanding those non-negotiable traits and characteristics will allow individuals to better filter through potential partners. I have really enjoyed my season of singleness, as I have realized why my past relationships have not worked. I am hopeful for my new relationship because I know what I am looking for and those essential ingredients will build a strong and lasting bond. Thank you, again for this great post.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a wonderful blog! I am going to have to send it to my sister. She really hasn't had any boyfriends and she says she will never have one. At the beginning of the post where it said I got it myself, that reminded me of my sister so much! One day she will find the one. I believe this post could help her with that as well. The cake analogy is very helpful in painting a picture in someone's mind of what is most important to them when it comes to finding a man. The things one might need as of making the cake and then the frosting is things that are next important to one and finally the sprinkles are things that one may or may not find in a man but it would be okay if they didn't. Overall this post is very interesting and fun to read. It helps people paint a picture of the man they want to have. This not only have to work for women but men as well. Thank you for this wonderful blog.
ReplyDeleteHi! This post is incredible. I just got recently got out of a long-distance relationship, and I could really relate to a lot of the content in this post. I loved how you used baking a cake as an analogy for what qualities you like in a romantic partner. I also enjoyed how you talked about how being single can be beneficial for personal growth and development. I feel like it also ties into how it is super important to know your own qualities, and get to love yourself before you can commit to someone new. I really enjoyed this post!
ReplyDeleteBeing someone who identifies as a female as well as single, I could relate to this article as well as gain knowledge from a new perspective on dating. I really appreciated your analogy to baking a cake in terms of how you should go about dating. I would agree with the order of the list as well as its contents. I also believe that dating is an important way to figure out what you do and do not want in your future husband one day, and that is something I need to do a better job at, making that somewhat of a priority in my life if I ever hope to find “the one.”
ReplyDeleteWell I really enjoyed reading this article, I am a single woman and it can be real hard sometimes. I often want to create a really large list of things I want in a partner and I find myself eliminating every possible date or male friend in my life. Then sometimes I throw it all out the window and think I should settle for anyone who likes me, because my expectations are just too high. It is a pretty frequent flip flop between those two extremes. Knowing what my non negotiables are and looking for someone with those is so important and can help me live in a better balance. I think I will go make that cake right now! I will probably also invite my single gal pals to do it too.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoy this blog as it makes a fairly grim topic seem much more happy and cheerful. I have always felt this way in that I will 'be alone forever' but that I am also a 'strong-independent woman' as well. However, I have experienced the same harassment from my parents and my siblings claiming that I am not 'welcoming' love into my life. I this this blog does an excellent job of outlining not only the benefits of single portions of our life being areas of growth but also the fact that waiting to seek something we actually want is much more beneficial than 'trying everything' thank you for this!
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI love that this blog post is recommending to figure out my personality type before trying to find a potential partner. Of the four personality test types, I have only ever heard of two, the enneagram and the Myers-Briggs. I am intrigued by the big five and the true colors tests. I will be taking these two to see what they have to offer, and I might take the Myers-Briggs test to see if my personality has changed.
I love this baking a cake analogy. I have a list in my phone of ‘red flags’. This is basically the opposite of baking a cake, but these are things that will turn me away from someone immediately. I think this analogy is a much more positive way of looking at traits of a potential partner. I may have to revise my red flags list into an ingredients list. I think with the idea of finding a long-term partner, these are much more important.
Hi, Megan! This blog post was extremely engaging and fun to read! I have been playing my role in the single world for quite some time now, so it was super fun to read about what makes an individual physically and emotionally attractive to me. I had a blast reading the cake analogy and deciding which traits I looked for when developing my cake recipe (6'1'' and over for me too! :)). I often scold myself for being so picky when it comes to looking for a significant other, but after reading your insights, I felt much more comfortable living up to my high standards in the dating pool! Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHi Megan,
ReplyDeleteI love this analogy! It makes a lot of sense in my head (maybe because I too love anything junk food or sweet). Honestly, I have not ever really thought about what qualities I would want in someone, or what I would want in the base of my cake. This is likely because my current partner and I met in high school and have been dating for years now, so we came together partially because of proximity and our relationship has been great. Thus, I haven't needed to think about what qualities are most important to me. But it probably still would not be a bad idea to think about that so I can simply know myself and know what I want both now and potentially in the future.
The title is what caught my attention in this blog post, “let’s bake a cake”. At first, I was confused because for the first part of the blog there was nothing mentioning a cake but towards the middle it all made sense! I agree one does have to know what makes a good cake for them! Everyone has their own ingredients they absolutely enjoy, just like everyone has a “type”. I enjoyed reading this blog because I can certainly relate! I’m currently in my season of singleness and trying to figure out who could potentially be the one! What an inspiration to go and figure me out first and my likes and dislikes in order to make that delicious cake that’s perfect in my eyes and taste buds! I agree my future self will probably thank me!
ReplyDeleteUnknown, using this analogy of baking a cake in order to find the perfect mate is genius and helped me to understand this post so much better. We need a necessary list of values or traits we want or need in a partner and go from there which is an efficient way to narrow down options. Adolescence is the time of identity vs. role confusion and part of this is figuring out who we want. I agree that similar hobbies, interests, and values can make it easy to find a life-long commitment but I think there are many other ways to pair up with a good fitting partner. In my experience, differences can create change and growth.
ReplyDeleteI absolutely LOVE the cake analogy you described in your post! I think this analogy gives a very tangible, clear image of what it looks like to pursue romantic partners with intention. When I think about my cake, my batter is made of 2 cups of a sense of humor, 1 cup of kindness, 2 tablespoons of enthusiasm, and a teaspoon of attractiveness. These four qualities are essential nonnegotiables for me when searching for a romantic partner. Next, the ingredients for my frosting are 1 cup of curiosity, 1 cup of spontaneity, 2 tablespoons of extraversion, and 1 tablespoon of emotional maturity. Lastly, for my toppings I would like a dash of musicality, sprinkles of adventure, and a dollop of initiative.
ReplyDeleteUsing the metaphor “baking a cake” helps to discuss the value of intentional self-reflection during a period of singleness. It emphasizes that being single is not just a time to wait for the right partner, but an opportunity to identify key traits, values, and characteristics one desires in future and current relationships. The “cake batter” represents non-negotiable qualities in a partner, “frosting” symbolizes desirable traits, and “toppings” are the extras that are nice but not fully necessary. The piece encourages self-awareness through personality tests and observing personal values, emphasizing that this process helps avoid settling for less and expecting too much. Ultimately it stresses the importance of using this phase for personal growth to prepare for a healthier, happier future relationship. I resonate with figuring out the “cake batter” for a relationship because I went through something similar when I moved to Australia to study abroad. Being single allowed me to explore who I was and what mattered to me as a partner.
ReplyDeleteI really loved the analogy of baking a cake and figuring out what’s in your cake batter, what kind of frosting you want, and what kind of toppings to put on. I think it’s really easy to fall into the mindset of “I’m going to be alone forever” especially when the majority of your friends are in relationships. I can recall a couple times this year when I’ve thought that very same thought while waiting for all of my roommates to come home from their boyfriend’s houses. I think identifying and figuring out what traits and values you want in a partner is a very important first step to make. By figuring out what you want and don’t want you’ll end up with probably an amazing cake rather than a just okay one.
ReplyDeleteI loved your analogy of comparing partner characteristics to parts of the cake. Even though I am married, I realize that I can still apply the theory to see the different ways my partner is in cohesion with my desired “cake.” The exercise helped me to discover the points of contention in the relationship are from places and characteristics I desire. These traits my partner doesn’t have or aren’t as strong anymore after being married for almost eight years and having a child. I think it is helpful to consider if the qualities are still of importance to me. If so, perhaps a shift in perspective of qualities my partner does have is needed. Just as sometimes a missing ingredient is substituted in a cake, a desired trait could also be changed to one my partner does possess.
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