So you’ve gone through your season of singleness, you’ve
found someone you’re really excited about and you’re nervous about what happens
next. You’ve been through that “butterflies in your stomach” phase and you always
have them on your mind or want to spend every second with them. You’ve spent a
good amount of time together and you are feeling really hopeful about how
compatible you are. Now you’re asking yourself the big question: Am I really
ready to commit to this person and take the next step in our relationship?
That can be
a scary stage to be in, because that’s a big question! It’s okay to feel
scared, but I want you to know that this is a completely normal stage to be in.
In fact, you are on your way to the clear-cut attachment phase of your
relationship1. This stage means you passed the infatuated pre-attachment
phase, you’re on the tail end of the attachment-in-the-making phase where you began
to lean on your partner more and your relationship is becoming a bigger part of
your daily life1. You’ve gone through some good and not so good
times together as a team, and now it’s time to go from the honeymoon
phase to a very real, committed relationship. Even if the person you are with
is ideal, that doesn’t mean this transition isn’t a little scary. There are a
lot of changes that happen in that transition, and it’s easy to long for the
overly romantic honeymoon phase. So, to try and ease some of your worries about
taking that next step, I asked some of my family and closest friends (dating, engaged
and married), both gay and straight, about
their process of transitioning from the passionate honeymoon phase to the more
committed phase of their relationship. I hope hearing about their stories helps
you to embrace yours!
How long into your
relationship did the ”honeymoon phase” end? What changed in how you interacted
with your partner after this change occurred?
· “It was about 6 months into the relationship. We were less patient with each other and we got pickier…our communication wasn’t as good as it should have been. Overall, it was harder to please each other. But it got better 6 months after that. We had to get our feet on the ground again and realize we aren’t perfect and fighting is ok.”
·“He has never been much of a romantic so there was no baskets of roses and hot bubble baths for me...and I think because we were best friends before we got into a relationship there wasn't much of a "honeymoon phase" ... there was a little bit of parading each other around in our new found relationship but it didn't last long.”
·“Around 2 years into our relationship. We had a long honeymoon phase! But we would have more fights, only on occasion. The newness and discovery of the relationship started to wear off, and it started to feel much more real. But we felt closer as partners transitioning out of the honeymoon phase.”
How did you decide
your partner was worth committing to for the long term?
·“Because we realized that even though we fought, she was my best friend and it wouldn’t matter what we fought about because at the end of the day I was always happy with her and I know I wanted to be with her forever. She was worth pushing through all the hard stuff. “
· “Even though we transferred out of the honeymoon phase, it still felt exciting. It’s not like we ever sat and talked it through, that transition just happened naturally. As you move along, you don’t find any deal-breakers. It’s easy to feel like someone is perfect, but after the honeymoon phase if you still see perfection in them, then that’s a good sign. It’s not like there was a certain point where I said ‘I’m committed to this person’, it just happened because nothing came up to take our optimism away.“
·“When I met him I knew in the back of my mind we would be in each other's lives for a long time in some form.... we also had a pretty serious fight and after it was over I decided I had worked too hard to let him go. It was kind of one of those where we knew too much about each other to let each other go.”
Did this change from
passion to security also lead to changes in your relationships with other
people?
·“Yes! Definitely. You don’t have as much time for friends. Friends drift away. You don’t do the same things with them anymore, especially when your friends are single. The same activities aren’t going to be as fun once you become a couple as they were when you were single. When you commit to this relationship, you lose touch with your single friends and start focusing your energy on this relationship.”
·“I feel like during the honeymoon phase I only spent time with her, but as we came out of that phase I realized how important balancing time with friends was. I needed more time with my friends to help me transition with my girlfriend into this phase more smoothly. “
·“To some extent they did change ... we had our core friend group which we are still friends with all but one of them today. Also my two best friends are both married so we kind of started doing the couples thing more often so the group of single friends just slowly disappeared.”
What’s some advice you
have for people adjusting out of the “honeymoon phase” of their relationship?
·“Biggest advice I would have is to make sure they are your best friend ... and not like high school besties ... like truly the first person you think about when you wake up. The one you feel your most confident around and the one that empowers and embraces the true you.”
·“Be patient! Communicate about everything. Don’t assume they know how you feel or how they feel. If you aren’t willing to discuss things, it won’t work. But if you are willing to talk about things, that passion will come back in a new, better way.”
·“If you have to ask yourself, then you aren’t ready to commit to this person. If it’s the right person, then that transition will come naturally."
Based on these interviews, there is a lot of changing that
will happen when you decide to commit to your partner and enter that clear-cut
attachment phase. But the beauty of it is, if it’s the right person, you are
going to get through it just fine. In fact, you may learn more about the
relationship and get a deeper appreciation for them during this slightly
unsteady time. Use your partner for support, because they are probably nervous
too. When I decided I wanted my relationship with my boyfriend to be much more
than just a honeymoon phase, I was nervous, but I felt ready for any changes we
would face because we would be facing them together! If you feel safe with your
partner and feel like even the hard times with them are worth more than easy
times with someone else, I push you to embrace this change. The honeymoon phase
is fun, but once you’re ready to commit, it will be even more powerful in an
entirely new way.
Enjoy your new adventure. Embrace the change. Enjoy this new
part of your journey together!
This is really interesting! I liked when you talked about how it's normal for people to feel the way they do! There is hope for everyone with the right communication skills! Great article!
ReplyDeleteThis is great and it’s on such an important topic! The transition you discuss can indeed be a hard time, but as you said, the potential scariness and change is worth it to create a strong relationship with the right person. It was about 6 months into my last relationship when my boyfriend and I began to undergo this transition. There was more bickering and we did begin to see the little flaws in each other. However, I think it’s important to be able to undergo this transformation and look past the romantic honeymoon curtain and see your partner and relationship for what it truly is. One of the most important aspects of a relationship is being able to accept your loved one for who they are, flaws and all. And you hope that they do the same for you. No one is perfect. Instead, I believe that you come to love an imperfect person perfectly throughout the development of your relationship. So, although this relationship transformation is difficult, it is worth it. You learn new, more intimate details about your partner, you learn how to overcome obstacles together, and you discover whether you truly want to stay in the relationship or not. Thank you for sharing with us Emma!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Emma! I appreciated each couple's perspective on the "Honeymoon" phase of a relationship, and especially valued the transparency in these responses. I recently had a conversation with my best friend, who has been engaged for almost five months now, and she expressed some similar realities. She shared, like one of your interviewees, that there has been more fighting and less patience. However, she also told me that she's never felt closer to her fiancé, as they are finding that their relationship is more grown-up now, more real, and more life-giving. Transitioning out of the "Honeymoon" phase is no walk in the park, but it is a step in the journey toward a steady, healthy long-term relationship. And like one of your participants said, even though the "Honeymoon" phase is over, the relationship can still be exciting! In fact, from what my best friend described, exiting that phase results in a sweeter, more satisfying connection. (This isn't to say you should rush the "Honeymoon" phase, however... enjoy it while it lasts! Just don't stay there forever-- honeymoons are expensive, anyway.)
ReplyDeleteThank you for this insightful post, Emma! I think that this is a very important topic to address because everyone in committed relationships experience this tough transition. Couples can experience this transition anywhere from 3 months to 2 years into their relationship, but individuals face similar challenges. I really liked the advice that your interviewees provided concerning communication and really knowing that your partner is your best friend. I think that these two components are so important in growing a strong attachment with a significant other because when an individual has the confidence to confide, communicate, and believe in their partner, then the rest will follow naturally. I also thought the question about changes in relationships with others was interesting. I have always struggled to balance relationships with friends, especially when friends are single. It is just important to not lose sight of who you were before the relationship and still maintain those close ties. I believe having a secure attachment can foster this, and help individuals grow into a better person in the end. Again, thank you for the post Emma. It was very helpful and informative!
ReplyDeleteAwesome post, Emma! I really love how you acknowledge how it can be really scary to take a next step in a relationship, and that its totally normal to be scared. I think its super important to recognize that moving through these stages of attachment is normal, just like your friend said. The transition just happens naturally, and can be a good indication if this relationship is meant to be. From my own personal experience, I have witnessed friends go through this transition much more awkwardly. To me, it almost seems as though if the transition is more challenging than it should be, it might be time to reevaluate the relationship. I also really love how your friend noted how important it is to have a secure and solid friendship with your partner. This creates an even stronger and solid base for the relationship to grow off of. Thanks again for the post, Emma! I really enjoyed it!
ReplyDeleteI absolutely loved and appreciated this article. There is such a huge focus on relationships now-a-days and I think people often get caught up in the need to have a significant other that they often forget that the "honeymoon phase" is temporary and there is a point when relationships get difficult and real. I have been in a relationships for seven and a half years. My boyfriend and I started dating my freshman year of high school after being life-long friends before hand. Not only did we have the honeymoon phase but we were also considered by so many as "young and in love". It wasn't until my senior year of high school and his freshman year of college where reality truly set in and we both realized that relationships are hard and require a lot of work and sacrifice. Relationships aren't always smooth sailing and its important that people know this and are aware of this aspect of relationships. I agree with the what your friend noted that having a friendship with your partner is vital in a healthy and happy relationship. My boyfriend is truly my best friend and there is a lot of comfort in that! Thank you so much for this post, Emma!
ReplyDeleteThis was a great post—thank you for sharing your thoughts Emma! Growing up, I had always heard of the “honeymoon phase” and thought it was a silly concept. Why wouldn’t couples just chose to be happy all the time, right? Now that I have experienced more grown-up relationships, I realize it’s not a silly concept. In fact, it’s a concept that hits hard if the person you’re with is not the one; however, I think this process is necessary for one to determine whether the relationship is worth it. If you and your partner can make it successfully through the aftermath of the “honeymoon phase,” all other phases should be no problem. I am not saying the other phases in life will not be difficult, but the honeymoon phase is looked upon as the most exciting and fun part. When two people are still willing and excited to be together after that initial phase is over, then they definitely exhibit true love and will be able to make it for the long haul.
ReplyDeleteWell written Emma! The transition from the honeymoon phase to commitment is an important one that everyone who’s been in a serious relationship can probably relate too. I think this is an important topic to write about as it tackles a critical stage in developing a deeper more meaningful relationship with a significant other. I love how you included personal anecdotes from three different people as I thought it really helped convey how different people overcome or feel about this transition. Personally, I really resonated with the advice one gave about being patient and communicating about everything. When my girlfriend and I transitioned from the honeymoon phase to commitment we tried to become committed too fast, and ended up feeling more disconnected. However, when we decided to take things slower and just let the commitment happen naturally, we became much closer. I think this post captures the transition from the honeymoon phase to commitment fantastically, well done.
ReplyDeleteThe transition from the honeymoon phase to commitment was super scary for me and made me feel like something was wrong. The honeymoon phase lasted from November 2018 to January 2020 which obviously was really long and when things started to shift it made me feel like my partner and I weren't in a good place anymore when really, we were in a great place and finally getting comfortable. I wish I would've known more about this before it happened so I would've known it was normal and not the end of our relationship. Down the road, we had a short breakup and after we got back together, the honeymoon phase started again and I was more prepared for when it shifted and it wasn't as scary. We knew the other was worth it and although the change was scary, we made it work! Great post!
ReplyDelete7. Clear-cut attachment is something that I see very clearly in my parent's relationship. One thing that they have always told me about this stage in a relationship, is that although it is not as "new" and "light" as the honeymoon phase, there are still so many benefits that come with it. They have said that a lot of time is spent trying to impress one's partner when in that initial phase, however, 22 years later (very much out of the honeymoon phase), they do not stress or worry about impressing one another. They are more vulnerable, open, and secure, which has brought about many benefits to their marriage.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great post! I really appreciated the detail you put in by inserting thoughts and quotes from family and friends in different phases and types of relationships. That type of insight is very interesting to read and I think really helps readers understand that the leap from the honeymoon phase to commitment doesn't have to be a scary thing to go through with. After my last relationship, I have found it really hard to allow myself to go from any type of honeymoon phase to something more serious. With my ex, it was a very easy transition but our breakup was very rough after three and a half years and I feel that I am subconsciously sabotaging myself out of fear of heartbreak again. I am really appreciative of the advice portion of this blog because it gave a more personal view on common questions people have at this stage of relationships.
ReplyDeleteThis post is really important because this is not a topic that people commonly discuss. I feel like the end of the honeymoon phase is somewhat of a taboo topic that people avoid. Back in high school, every short relationship I had would end immediately after the honeymoon phase concluded. I am in a relationship now that has gone on for about a year and a half and I don’t know if our honeymoon phase is even over. We have such a good time together and rarely have rough patches. Things are a bit different now than they were toward the very beginning of our relationship though. We might have a different dynamic because he is my best friend. I loved the interviews and different perspectives because everyone has different experiences in relationships and their unique dynamics.
ReplyDeleteThis post is very interesting to read and cool to read other peoples' opinions on their own honeymoon phases. Over the course of my relationship I can not really remember our honeymoon phase ending. Not to say it is still going, because it isn't, but the transition from that to the next phase just felt natural (or maybe I don't remember the honeymoon phase ending because that was almost 3 years ago). However, my partner and I have never really fought which in a way makes me feel as though our honeymoon phase is not completely over. Him being one of my best friends both before and after we started dating definitely made our transition different than people who were not friends first, and I think made our honeymoon phase look different. The fact that our transition felt so smooth makes me realize how comfortable we were and are with each other; everything felt so natural.
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