Surviving the Distance

Okay, relationships are difficult, but when a couple is separated by a physical distance this adds a new kind of difficult that many individuals struggle with. There is not a wrong or right way to go about a long distance relationship, but I believe it takes two determined and securely attached people to truly make it work. Getting to this point of being securely attached to one another may require an attachment-in-the-making phase, which allows individuals to form an attachment bond and recognize their partner as a safe haven¹. Seeing your significant other, being with them, confiding in them, and enjoying time together are important moments leading up to the hard “goodbye” or “see you later”. I experienced a two-year long distance relationship and it taught me valuable lessons of communication, trust, the value of quality time together, and appreciation of the little things. I reached out to two of my girlfriends who have also gone through long distance relationships in different states and even countries away from their significant other. I asked them questions about attachment, what long distance has taught them, and their general pieces of advice. I hope you find their insight helpful!

1)   Do you feel that you and your significant other had a secure attachment before the distance? Or did this develop over time when you were apart?

I think we were in a unique situation because it was a bit of a whirlwind right before we were about to be apart for an unforeseeable amount of time. However, he and I had developed a very close friendship prior to our relationship beginning. In a round about way yes, I do believe we had a secure attachment and it developed over time as well. 

I would say that my SO and I had a secure attachment before the distance, as we were close friends for years before we dated. I think the distance also helped us build a stronger sense of communication that helped solidify our senses of attachment. 

2)   What did you learn from being in a long distance relationship, and will this carry over into your current or future relationships?

I learned how important open communication is especially when you are unable to see your partner’s physical queues. Without open and honest communication about everything within your relationship it can never be successful. This will most definitely carry over into my future relationships. 

My long distance relationship taught me to emphasize communication. It was easier to talk and show emotions when we were able to see each other every week, so when my SO and I were transitioning to long distance it put a strain on our relationship. We had to be more committed to talking and that was how we could "spend time together." Moving forward, I know that I put an emphasis on communication and the ease in which my partner and myself can communicate, as it is a necessity in a close relationship. 

3)   Would you ever consider another long distance relationship? Would you do anything differently?

I would consider a long distance relationship in the future. The only thing I would do differently is to be in a relationship longer before deciding to attempt long distance and I would make sure to discuss how challenging the distance is for both of us more regularly. I would do this so that we would both understand where we were and how we were feeling, again going back to the open communication.

If it was the situation, I would enter another long distance relationship. Long distance sucks at times in my experience. It was difficult to feel like we were actively involved in the other's life and supported when both individuals are busy with differing schedules, so I would try to make more time for video chatting and phone calls. The distance also helped me feel like we were closer when we got to see each other in person. I feel that we both valued that time and made extra efforts to be involved in each other's activities and lives. I feel that I learned more about myself and what I want from a romantic relationship in my long distance relationship than in previous non-distance relationships. 

4)   What is one piece of advice you have in order to keep that spark alive?

I think it is most important to trust each other and decide what works for you two within the relationship, regardless of if the relationship results in an open relationship for a short time or staying monogamous. I also believe it is important to be able to allow the other to go do their own thing and not be attached to their phone all the time. Allowing each other to go out and be present in their life and knowing that you will be there when they are not busy is key.

Advice I have to keep the spark alive is to have fun in including your partner in your daily lives, find ways that work for each other in order to feel intimate with your SO.

Interviewing my friends allowed me to better understand long distance relationships from different perspectives. All in all, I have come to the conclusion that having a healthy attachment with your partner will allow the communication, trust, and love to follow naturally. No, a secure attachment does not guarantee success in long distance relationships, but it definitely helps. Ultimately, two people need to be committed to the distance in order to survive the distance, but having a secure attachment definitely stems from this commitment.

Navigating New Relationships

When you start dating a new person, everything about them is unbelievably exciting.  Everything is so new, and even the littlest of moments can give you the biggest butterflies.  You want to spend as much time as possible with your new boo! While new relationships are super exhilarating, it can become challenging to balance your new love with your old relationships.  I can speak from personal experience when I say that it is very thrilling to get involved in a new relationship and neglect the other important people in your life.  You are not alone in your struggle! It can be so easy to get caught up in new relationships, and we’re here to give you some advice to navigate the highs and lows of new relationships!

            There are a lot of aspects of new relationships that are hard to manage.  How often should you spend time with that person? How much is ok to share with them right off the bat? Is it ok to have sex super early in the relationship?  These are some seriously important questions to ask, which is why I decided to interview some of my friends who have had a lot of experience in the relationship department.  Some of these friends have had some seriously rough experiences with boys and have now found themselves in super secure, strong relationships.  Others have witnessed a lot of their friends experience rocky relationships in the past and have learned a lot from their experiences.  Overall, this advice stems from their personal experience and may not apply to everyone, however, they provided me with a lot of insight into these challenging questions and I would love to share their thoughts with you!

Regulating the Beginning of a Relationship

            Out of all the answers that my friends gave me when asked, “What advice do you have about regulating the beginning of a relationship?”, the most common answer was to make sure you distribute your time and energy amongst all other relationships. Some other answers included:

o   -Setting boundaries and letting intentions known for both parties known at the start of the relationship

o   -Remember to not get consumed with the relationship too fast

o   -Don’t lose focus on everything else in your life, this is the fast track to losing your sense of self and identity

Oversharing vs. Under-sharing

            It can sometimes be super difficult to know how much is acceptable to share with your new partner.  You can either feel like your sharing your deepest darkest secrets with them or not being vulnerable enough.  When I asked my friends “What is your advice in regards to how much to share with your partner at the beginning of a relationship?”, they had diverse responses, some of which included:

o   -It is important to get values across right away, that way there is no misunderstanding about where you stand at the beginning of the relationship

o   -Guard your heart and share things about your life and experiences that you would be willing to share with an acquaintance

o   -Don’t go super in depth about your most painful experiences, as this may lead to a lot more complications and heartbreak if relationship ends.

o   -Make sure vulnerability and sharing is equal, otherwise one partner may become more attached than the other

Including Sex in the Beginning of a Relationship

            The physical aspect of a relationship is without a doubt an important aspect of relationships, however there has been a lot of question regarding how necessary it is to engage in intimate physical activities early in a relationship.  When I asked my friends “What are your thoughts about including sex in the beginning of your relationship?”, they all had similar answers:

o   -It's up to everyone individually but honestly it kind of makes sex the center of your relationship from an early stage, which doesn't leave a lot of room to grow in other ways

o   -Including sex in the beginning of a relationship would bring the focus of the relationship too much on the physical aspect of the relationship, rather than building a strong relationship based on emotional and spiritual connections

o   -Psychology statistics will tell you that it leads to shorter relationships because it leads to relationship being built off a physical connection first.

            After reflecting on this advice, I think it is important to evaluate your relationship, if you are in one, and see where things can improve.  If you are not in a relationship, I think it can be super helpful for future relationships to think about how you would address these topics.  Like I said, this advice stems only from my friends personal experience and does by no means apply to everyone, however, I hope this advice equipped you with some helpful tips to navigating the beginning of a relationship!  

A Look into the Avoidant Attachment Style

“You know me.  The minute they get close I start to pull away.  I don’t know…I guess I’m just not comfortable with letting anyone get too close.”

My best friend since kindergarten gave me a sad look through the Skype camera after explaining to me why exactly she had ended things with the guy she had been seeing.  She liked hanging out with him, but when it came to intimacy and expressing her feelings and desires to him, she pulled away, unwilling to foster such a bond.  And this wasn’t the first time that this had occurred in one of her potential relationships.  It was a common pattern.  Sound familiar?  Or what about these:

“I know we’ve been together for a while, and I really do like you.  I’m just not quite ready for a commitment.  I just need a little more time.”

“I’m not looking for anything serious right now.”

“I just can’t help but notice ___ about my partner.  I know it is a small thing that shouldn’t affect anything, but I just notice it every time.  It’s really getting in the way of our relationship.”

“No, I don’t need you to help me.  I can do this on my own.”

“They are trying to get close to me, but it is making me uncomfortable.  It’s just too much.”

As you read these, are you possibly remembering a time either you or your loved one has said something in relation to these comments?  These tend to be common statements of what is known as the avoidant attachment style.  Avoidant attachment style is observed as an individual’s self-reliance and resistance to becoming emotionally close to another¹.  Although a person may be involved in a relationship, the idea of depending on another person is uncomfortable, and they often perceive their partner as “clingy” when they begin to get too close².  This attachment style is also characterized by³:

• Lack of vulnerability and self-disclosure
• Increased likelihood to focus on the negatives in a situation and in a partner
• Internalizing emotions

I know it may not sound like the best thing in the world, but if you can relate, it doesn’t mean that you will never be able to foster that closeness with a loved one.  Rather, it just means that your partner is going to be one lucky person when you begin to open up to them.

            So how then, can you begin to counteract this attachment style?  One of the best pieces of advice I have ever received about relationships was when I was told that to truly learn and understand someone else, one must offer up some of themselves.  To be vulnerable and allow someone access to your thoughts and heart is one of the most intimate and difficult experiences.  And it takes an immense amount of courage to do this or to try!  Having an avoidant attachment style does not mean there is something wrong with you or that you will forever be pushing relationships away.  Some of us just take a little longer to trust and open up, but just like anxious attachment styles, those with avoidant attachment styles can also develop a secure attachment with a little extra patience and self-awareness!

Here are some of the best simple ways to begin developing that secure attachment between you and your partner:

• Have patience with one another and with yourselves.
• Recognize the deactivation signs!  Know when you or they are beginning to pull away and come up with strategies to counteract them.  It can be as simple as just saying “I can feel myself pulling away.”
• Try to share something new about yourself.  Let your partner know who you are. The person you are with wants to know all of you :)
• Set aside a time in the day where you and your partner can sit and tell each other about how your day went or how you are doing. And,
• Try to see the positives of each potential negative situation.