Have you ever
noticed how some people seem to effortlessly go through the ups and downs of
relationships? Almost as if they are able to handle whatever situation they may
be going through with their lover, no matter how hard? There have been a couple of relationships
that have stood out to me as ones that seem to stay steady throughout the
absolute worst of times, and I often find myself wondering what the special
ingredient is. I vividly remember one instance in which my parents were talking
about finances and things were pretty intense.
I can clearly picture the moment in which my dad reassured my mom, who
was anxious and frustrated. The moment
he told her everything would be ok, she relaxed and let out a sigh of relief. The trust that she had in him was solid,
despite her initial concerns about money.
As I was watching this, I was astounded at how my mom was able to shift,
and trust in him. I would’ve continued
to freak out for at least a good 30 more minutes, and the fact that my mom
didn’t absolutely blew my mind.
Interactions like these are the ones
that get my head spinning about how some people seem to have such trust and
security in their relationship, while others can barely let their partner walk in
or out the door without wanting to check in with them about every encounter
they had that day. How do we become so
faithful and confident in a relationship? What is this secret ingredient for success? After
some research and personal investigation, I have come to find that this secret
ingredient may be one’s attachment style.
What is an attachment style you might
ask? Well, I’m here to lay it all out for you! Lucky you! Attachment was first
described by Bowlby as the emotional bond formed between a child and their
caregiver, beginning in infancy1.
The safety of this initial bond has many implications on our future relationships. These interactions that we have as kids with
our caregivers begin to form our mental expectations (or what Bowlby called
“internal working models”) of what relationships should look like. We carry our
initial models of relationships with us into adolescence and adulthood,
revising them as we go, and they form the basis for how we attach to others.1
And, depending on the type of experiences
and attachments one has had in life, these attachment styles can look pretty
different in romantic relationships. So,
for example, do we feel trusting, secure, and comfortable in a relationship or do
we consistently worry about the availability of and trustworthiness of our partners?2.
Like it or not, the beliefs we developed as a child influence how we interact
with and respond to relationships in our everyday lives as adults.
By now, you’re probably
contemplating what your own attachment style and beliefs are and how they
affect your dating life. Well, don’t
worry! We are here to help! Over the next couple of weeks, we will be laying
out each different type of attachment, what they mean, and how to know if they
apply to you. Be sure to stay tuned!
It is crazy to think about how influential an attachment style you began forming in infancy can be on your current and future interactions and relationships! It is such a complex and fascinating concept. In addition to the internal working models mentioned above, there are also four universal elements of attachment defined by Bowlby. These elements are that you maintain the connection you have created with your loved ones, your loved ones become your safe havens, you miss your loved ones when they are distant, and your loved ones are a secure base in which you depend on for support1. Addressing these four elements and the internal working models mentioned in this blog post have the power to influence individuals and their relationships. For example, a therapy known as attachment-informed therapy has begun making an appearance. A recent review defined six goals and strategies that attachment-informed therapy has: influencing internal working models, creating a secure base, understanding relationship experiences, addressing attachment issues, working with the differing attachment styles, and knowing one’s own attachment style2. Each of these are based off Bowlby’s original ideas! It is amazing that a theory developed in the past continues to have such a presence in our modern-day society. This is a topic that deserves further discussion.
ReplyDeleteSources:
1. Johnson, S. (2013). Love sense: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships. New York, NY: Little.
2. Berry, K., & Danquah, A. (2016). Attachment-informed therapy for adults: Towards a unifying perspective on practice. Psychology and Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, and Practice, 89, 15-32. doi:10.1111/papt.12063
While this post gave a great first look at attachment and what it is, I found myself worrying the whole time while reading it, wondering if my future relationship destiny is already set based on how my parents interacted with me as an infant. Looking into this further, I found that that’s definitely not the case. Miranda is right, attachment in infancy is the basis for how we attach to intimate partners later in life, but that doesn’t mean our attachment style can’t change over time or evolve based on who we are with. Researchers such as Johnson have found that humans have “mental models”, which basically means our emotions, actions and decisions can change to better align with that of who we are with. This means that you may have an anxious attachment style in some scenarios, like when you and your partner have been in a rocky phase, but a secure attachment when things are going well or you’re feeling confident about the relationship. Your internal working model is able to change to better fit with your partner’s, hopefully making you more resilient through the hard stuff as a couple. However, this doesn’t mean your body instantly knows how to react in each situation or for whomever you’re with, and your relationship will then be fool proof. This process, and your mental model, takes a lot of self-awareness and a deep understanding of your partner. In other words, it takes a lot of time and effort, as all good relationships do. So attachment may not be the sole answer to a good relationship, but understanding your style, your partner’s style, and what situations may change those things sure gets you on the right path to a stronger relationship.
ReplyDeleteSources:
Johnson, S. (2013). Attachment: The key to love. In Love sense: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships (pp. 32-58). New York: Little.
Thank you for this well-written blog post explaining attachment, Miranda!
ReplyDeleteI am going to hop onto Emma's train of thought for a second. I couldn't agree more that the relationships and attachments we experience as children greatly affect and shape romantic attachments in adulthood. And while our mental expectations, or internal working models, according to Bowlby, materialize at a very young, there is hope for those who are unfortunate enough to suffer from insecure attachment established in childhood. That hope is termed “earned-security” and refers to adults who didn’t have a healthy internal working model until later on in life, when they were given a second chance at creating a secure attachment style, with an alternative support figure. This figure can be another family member other than the original caregiver, or can be a non-family friend, or even a therapist. The point is, our internal working model can be beneficially altered in just enough time to enter into a healthy, thriving romantic relationship. For instance, many adopted children, who came from traumatic and abusive home situations go on to be successful in every facet of life, due to a secure attachment with their adopted caregiver. Earned security is possible and can manifest itself in a romantic relationship, so never fear. And those who had an insecure attachment style but later earned security are just as likely as those who always had a secure attachment to be securely attached to their children, according to the study below. There’s hope!
Source:
Saunders, R., Jacobvitz, D., Zaccagnino, M., Beverung, L. M., & Hazen, N. (2011). Pathways to earned-security: The role of alternative support figures. Attachment & Human Development, 13(4), 403-420. doi:10.1080/14616734.2011.584405
I think this post is great, Miranda! As I was reading, I began to wonder what specific implications attachment style has on individuals, and ultimately, how these implications facilitate healthy, happy relationships. Just as Emma stated, attachment style may not be the key ingredient to all relationships, but I think it is important to address exactly how healthy attachments affect us, and the benefits that come out of healthy attachments. Identifying our own attachment style will allow strengths and weaknesses to come to light, while gaining a better sense of our individuality. Making sense of what we are really great at and what we struggle with is a huge step in the initial stages of finding love. Research has found that individuals who experience success in romantic relationships exhibit higher levels of self-efficacy and lower levels of attachment anxiety. This concept of self-efficacy is key because it is one of the many implications of attachment style. Self-efficacy can be related to the internal working models that are formed because having the belief to succeed in a given relationship and then having the emotional capacity to bond with a partner go hand-in-hand. They build off of each other. I enjoyed this post, and exploring the different facets of this complex topic will be interesting.
ReplyDeleteSource:
Weisskirch, R.S. (2017). Abilities in romantic relationships and well-being among emerging adults. Marriage & Family Review, 53, 36-47. doi: 10.1080/01494929.2016.1195471
Thank you for your post! Learning about attachment styles has been very interesting because you don't really know how much of an impact they can have on your relationships until you know what you're looking for. I remember a similar situation with my parents growing up. My dad is a mortgage loan officer and right before the housing market crash of 2008, we had just built and moved into our new house as well as having built a second house next door to sell. When the housing market crashed, obviously no one was looking to buy a house in the price range of $1 million so we were paying the mortgages on both of the houses. My parents were very stressed about finances and were thinking about selling both of the houses just to get rid of them but my dad knew exactly how to keep my mom calm throughout the situation and how to calm her nerves. We got through this tough time and I was able to see how healthy their relationship is just by my dad being able to communicate with my mom as well as getting her to open up so he could ease her mind. They were so in sync in that moment that I was able to really appreciate the relationship style that they have built over the years. I think it is great that your post does such a good job at explaining such a healthy attachment style for people to learn more about what it may look like. Thank you for such an informative post!
ReplyDeleteHi there,
ReplyDeleteI found your post to be helpful in getting a better idea of attachment style and how it related to our romantic partner relationships. After reflecting on my own relationship, I also have found that when I am being reassured by my partner my stress levels decrease. Similarly, to how you described, I think it is due to my secure attachment and being able to rely on my partner. It is interesting to me how our relationships formed at birth in turn effect each of our own personal dating lives and relationships. I would be interested it see how other attachment styles would have responded to the example you described in your post. Thanks for sharing.
Attachment has changed the way that I view the world. It is such an important aspect of development and is the key to successful relationships. My mom was dating this man who did not want to commit. They dated on and off for five years and he strung her along. Everything was on his terms and based on his schedule. She spent years trying to figure out why he never wanted to commit and why he would push her away whenever they got close. I explained attachment theory to her and everything just clicked. He has an avoidant attachment and it was affecting the relationship my mom was hoping for. She was always hopeful that he was going to change but he never did and teaching my mom about attachment theory gave her a sense of closure. Being aware of our attachment gives us autonomy and choice in our relationship interactions which is priceless.
ReplyDeleteHi there! I really found your blog post very insightful because of how attachments styles can help in relationship through the story of your parents to begin with. It really important the effects of a partners attachment style in a relationship because its some of the earliest traits that can be formed in human development since it comes from infancy and childhood that we will revise throughout the years as we grow old. I believe that my current romantic partner have similar attachment styles from friends since I was a kid so it was really interesting learning about how it a big influence.
ReplyDeleteAttachment style is the key ingredient for success in a relationship is the key takeaway from this post and I agree. I strongly believe that a partner is supposed to compliment the other person causing change and growth and support. In my experience, I tend to feel worried about the trustworthiness and availability of my partner. This is probably due to my attachment style. I wonder if after we enter into a relationship if that attachment style shifts or changes. If so, It would be interesting to research the ways that this happens and if there is an amount of beneficiary and noticeable change within the conflict in a relationship.
ReplyDeleteAttachment styles are very important in relationships and I believe they affect how partners interact with each other, problem solve, and even their intimacy. While attachment style is very important, there are other factors that also play into having a successful relationship. For example, personality and how someone handles stress is very important. In the blog, the author mentions how their parents were stressed about financial problems. If I were in a relationship with someone, I would want someone who is able to reassure me, and calm me down rather than adding to the stress. So, although attachment style is important, there is many other factors to also consider.
ReplyDelete: I do believe that one’s attachment style can really determine the success of a relationship. Because our attachment styles begin to form at such a young age, there is not much an individual can do later on to change that. I personally would like to believe that I have a trusting perspective or mindset in my romantic relationships, but that is just not the reality. This can most likely trace back to my attachment style that developed between me and my parents. Although attachment styles may be a key ingredient for success in a romantic relationship, I do believe there are other factors. I think a partners’ personalities and past experiences in relationships are also key ingredients that can either make or break a relationship.
ReplyDeleteAttachment styles are super important for a solid base of a relationship, I think it is super important to know about your attachment style(s) when entering relationships, romantic and/or friendships. It is so important to be able to communicate your needs with your partner and being able to understand their needs as well. I really appreciated your example with your parents story it helps put the importance of attachment styles into perspective. I learned about attachment styles in one of my classes and looked into my attachment style and I have been able to better communicate with others my needs for our relationship. I have also had the other party of my relationship(s) take the attachment style quiz so I am able to best support them too.
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