With
all this talk about attachment style, you might be wondering what exactly is a
secure attachment and what might this look like in every day life? Well to
begin with, individuals have either a secure or insecure attachment in close
relationships, and the insecure attachment can be further categorized. These
insecure attachments will be explored later! So, with this information I should
point out that attachment is not an individual trait, but is a quality that is
variable to change in differing relationships1.
I
definitely noticed this when reflecting back on my own relationships. I dated
my ex boyfriend for four years and had a secure attachment with him. We had our
arguments, but we were able to work through issues in mature ways, together.
Not only is being in a relationship a learning experience, but it is also an
opportunity to learn how to be securely attached to one another. I felt
securely attached in this relationship with my ex, but I did not feel this way
with a guy whom I recently dated for two months. I knew from the beginning that
he did not have a secure attachment with his parents based on our previous
conversations about our families, and this affected me, and us as a couple, in
the dynamics of the relationship. He would instigate conflict and have
irrational trust issues. It never felt like we were a team. Even though I have
secure attachments with my parents and many of my friends, this relationship
made me want to shut down and avoid confrontation. I think it is intriguing how
unhealthy relationships can make one feel crazy and not in touch with
themselves.
So,
based on my past experiences and knowledge of current research I am writing this post to give
a small glimpse at what a secure attachment in a relationship can look like and
how it affects the relationship. You can tell when there is attachment security
because conflict discussions will be effective and your significant other will show
supportive behavior2. Being supportive of your partner is so
important because this will encourage them to turn to you during the hard
times. You want to be their go-to person! Offering reassurance and comfort are
signs of a secure attachment. Given the same scenario, individuals who are
securely attached will expect that support to be available because they feel
confident in confiding in their significant other2. Support and
conflict resolution are what researchers call dyadic, which means that
individual behavior is often influenced and reflected by a partner’s behavior. Partners
will provide mutual support for each other, and build off of each other’s
support methods through regulating emotions together3. Additionally,
having a secure attachment allows individuals to feel confident about
themselves and about the relationship, which allows for the trust to flourish. Trust
and open communication can go a long way. Here are just a few tips to consider
that will help you and your current (or future) significant other navigate the
hard times and foster that secure attachment:
1.
Taking
a step back from the situation is okay! Everyone needs a breather once in
awhile to gather their thoughts and re-evaluate the situation.
2.
Remember
that arguments are not about pointing fingers or who can come out on top. try using statements such as “I feel…” or “It upsets me when…”. Argue as a team! The
relationship will be stronger as a result.
3.
Validating
each other’s feelings is important. Feelings are never right or wrong, and
sometimes they don’t even make sense! Acknowledging how your partner feels will
allow you to step into their shoes.
4.
Be
mature and be able to admit when you’ve done something wrong. This will be very
appreciated by your significant other!
5.
At
the end of it all, just remember that you love this person. You want what is
best for them and they want what is best for you. Be grateful for the arguments
and disagreements you get to have with them because honestly, life is too short
to be fighting over a forgotten date night or why the trash is never taken out.
I love how you talked about that a secure attachment means having mutual trust in each other when life gets hard. I think it’s easy for people to forget that being in a great relationship doesn’t mean there’s never hard times, it just means you get through them together, as a team! In fact, one of my strongest past relationships fell apart because we stopped going to each other for support and started to take our frustrations out on each other rather than talking through things openly. We were together for over 4 years and it taught me that no matter how comfortable you are with someone or how “set” you think you may be, never stop putting in effort. Even if a relationship starts as secure, that can change if you don’t work hard; it really is huge to turn to your partner for the good and bad stuff. Talking things through with your partner and being vulnerable with them is going to help create a more secure attachment between you, according to research. It’s definitely easier said than done to always turn to this person, but if you are with someone you can genuinely trust and be open with, then there’s a good foundation for that secure attachment to be there and stay strong. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable!
ReplyDeleteWow! I love the tips that you gave to foster secure attachment! All of them are incredibly important in maintaining that strong relationship with your significant other. I think we all sometimes struggle at each of those points, but that is ok! It is all part of being human and learning from each experience. Throughout my life I have been very fortunate to witness the secure attachment between my parents. They do exactly what you stated in this blog: being supportive, offering reassurance and comfort, and engaging in mature conflict resolution. I always asked them what the secret was, and they always answered that your partner is your best friend, not your dependent. You are both equally strong, confident individuals with your own backgrounds and stories who have formed a relationship built off friendship and love. Your partner is the person you go to when you want to share how your day at work went or when you want to share the silly story of what happened to you at the grocery store. You are there to support each other through every up and down, and to show patience and forgiveness even when it may be hard. Often, the formation of a secure attachment is a continuous journey. It may be hard at times to practice each of the tips shared in this post, but it is absolutely worth it in the end!
ReplyDeleteThank you for laying out what a secure attachment looks like! I love how you pointed out that it is a quality of a relationship that can change depending on the relationship. When I look back on some past relationships, I can totally see where I have secure attachments vs. insecure attachments, and the difference is astounding! My relationship with my parents is a great example of a secure relationship, because I am always able to trust them and confide in them whenever things seem to be going horribly wrong. On the other hand, my relationship with my ex boyfriend was tainted by anxiety and conflict, and as I reflect I can tell that it was super insecure. I love the tips you gave about fostering a secure attachment! My favorite one is probably validating the other persons feelings. Like you said, sometimes feelings don't make any sense, but the ability to validate and try to understand the other person's emotions makes all the difference in a relationship. Thanks for sharing!
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ReplyDeleteThanks, Kaylee, for shedding some light on how to nurture a secure relationship. It is so easy to forget that a relationship is a team of two people that requires collaboration and patience. I was just engaged in a conversation the other day, with a good friend who is struggling in her romantic relationship. Her partner is easily heated and argumentative and their disagreements quickly materialize as toxic finger-pointing and hurtful personal attacks. We bounced around ideas about how they could approach conflict in a healthy, constructive way, and our discussion concurs with many of your suggestions! While it requires some introspection and humility, asking for a few minutes to breathe and process alone is one of the most mature things we can do when conversations with our significant others become intense. Empathic communication and "I..." directed statements instead of "you..." are other extremely beneficial elements of a fruitful, healthy conversation. Now, if only it was simple to remember these things in the heat of the moment! Nonetheless, it is so important for couples to take a step back and evaluate their relationship; we will mess up and hit roadblocks, but secure attachment is attainable and worth the effort.
ReplyDeleteThis was a fantastic and very enlightening post! To start, I want to commend you on distinguishing the difference in what an attachment is, not being an individual trait. I think the pieces of information you chose for your post really helped to explain what a secure attachment style looks like. I also really liked how you noted that even a brief relationship with the wrong person can make you start to doubt yourself, even if you have lived with a secure attachment style in previous relationships. I personally went through this with my ex boyfriend. Before learning what attachment styles were, I wasn't able to internally see that he was undoing all the progress I had made within myself and made me doubt everything all the time. He wasn't capable of a secure attachment style and with that, drove me towards a more anxious one myself. I think it is great that you closed this blog with ways to nurture a and grow a secure relationship with a partner.
ReplyDeleteAs someone with a secure attachment style, I was able to really relate to this blog post. I am currently in a relationship with someone who also has a secure attachment. Of course we have our ups and downs, but we are always able to communicate effectively and feel secure and secure in our relationship. Much like the experience in this blog, in a past relationship I dated someone who had an insecure attachment with his parents. In this relationship, we had a lot of problems and when we would fight, he was manipulative and selfish, which made me feel crazy and act in a way someone with an anxious attachment style would. It is so interesting to see how mine and others' relationships can differ so much based on their partner's attachment style.
ReplyDeleteI really connected with this post and how it talks about having mature conversations even during disagreements. My boyfriend and I are still working on that. We've been together for over a year but we argue more now that I'm away at college. Just last week we fought over me not texting enough when I was stressed with exams. I got defensive but he was calm and acknowledged my workload is intense. Even though I was impatient, he validated my feelings while explaining that more communication would reassure him when we’re apart. I took a step back and apologized for assuming he was attacking me. This post reminded me that even when there’s conflict, if we come together as a team and show understanding, we can get through anything. I’m grateful I have someone who is patient while we keep learning.
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