Attachment Styles and Casual Sex

                "They are just a friend with benefits.” “There are no strings attached.” “It was just a one-nightstand.” I have heard it all. Casual sex, at least in my life as a college student, is a very common topic of discussion. Everyone's different perspectives make for fun debates around the coffee table. I can recall making jokes to one of my girlfriends for spending the night at a guy's house or taunting my guy friend for not “just making his move already.

         I asked one of my guy friends (we will call him Chase) about his thoughts on casual sex, and he shared: “There is nothing wrong with it, as long as intentions are set beforehand. If all parties involved are on the same page about what is about to go down and the reasons for it then by all means go for it.” Chase is a ladies’ man, whose attachment style screams avoidant. He doesn't like conflict, avoids talking about his feelings, and overall is the walking definition of avoidant attachment. Based on this, I was not surprised to learn his thoughts on casual sex.

         Several studies have been done on attachment styles and their relationships to casual sex. Sprecher (2013) found that individuals with avoidant attachment styles tend to be the most accepting of casual sex and partake in it more often than individuals with other attachment styles. In addition, in another study, it was found that avoidantly attachment individuals tend to be more positive about “loveless and uncommitted” sex overall (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). These individuals are less worried about the feelings attached to sleeping with someone and they are more able to put them aside.

         Chase told me, “The thing about casual sex is not about the person you are ‘[H3] doing it with’ but just really about the sex itself. It's just about two people enjoying the moment.” This again was not surprising to hear as Chase's tendency is to go with the flow and steer away from developing feelings. His avoidant style also makes causal sex an easy thing for him to openly talk about.

         This isn’t to say that individuals who aren’t avoidant in their attachment style are all against casual sex or will never partake in it. In the words of my good friend Chase, “You do you, as long as it is consensual and safe.” But I’m curious, what do you and your friends think about casual sex?

Refrences

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment and sex (Chapter 12). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed., pp. 372-392). New York: Guilford Press.

Sprecher, S. (2013). Attachment style and sexual permissiveness: The moderating role of gender. Personality and Individual Differences, 55(4), 428–432. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2013.04.005

Are you more likely to cheat based on attachment styles?

Why do people cheat? This is a very loaded question, one that is often met with hostility. My sister likes to answer this question the same way every time she is asked about her ex-boyfriend:  “because they are insecure little ‘weenies’ and cheating with someone else gives them a twisted sense of power.” There is no one answer, but researchers have found that attachment style influences the likelihood of cheating. 

My sister’s ex-boyfriend cheated on her just days after their 2-year anniversary. It broke her heart and she ended things right after that. “I was devastated. 2 years of trust and love and secrets. 2 years thrown out the window.” When I asked her if there were any indicators that he would be unfaithful or if she noticed anything off about him before he cheated, she mentioned that he had become increasingly insecure about himself and whether or not she still loved him. “He was always asking if I loved him or if I wanted to be with him. He was so clingy and was constantly asking for sex. If we weren’t sleeping together all the time, he questioned my love for him.” After listening to her talk about him, I think that my sister’s ex had an anxious attachment style. As we’ve learned in this blog, those of us with more anxious attachment styles tend to be more clingy, hypervigilant, and demand more reassurance.  

When it comes to cheating and its relationships with types of attachment styles, it is suggested that people with anxious attachment styles are more likely to cheat than others (Cohen, 2005). They are more likely to second guess thoughts and feelings in the relationship and have lower self-esteem about their role as a partner. Those with anxious attachments may cheat and seek sexual interactions because they equate sex with love (Harvey, 2021). In other words, anxious people think that if someone is willing to have sex with them, that it means they love them. To them, sex is the reassurance of love. 

Understanding attachment styles has helped me make sense of my sister’s experience. Her ex, who had an anxious attachment style with her, was constantly in need of reassurance that she loved him, questioned them as a couple, and thought sex was the only way for her to prove she loved him, and when that wasn’t enough,  he cheated on her. Although e was never able to give her a reason for why he cheated, his anxious attachment more likely than not played a role in it. 

References

Cohen, A. B. (2005). The relation of attachment to infidelity in romantic relationships: An exploration of attachment style, perception of partner's attachment style, relationship satisfaction, relationship quality and gender differences in sexual behaviors (Order No. 3213084). Available from ProQuest Dissertations & Theses Global. (305362570). https://ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/login?url=https://www.proquest.com/dissertations-theses/relation-attachment-infidelity-romantic/docview/305362570/se-2?accountid=10223

Harvey, A. (2021). Relationship Formation and Sexual Intimacy [PowerPoint slides]. Colorado State University Canvas. http://canvas.colostate.edu

Dating Apps as Means of Connection Building

Right now more than ever before in my life, I have been struggling to build new relationships. Coming out of what has now been a 2-year long global pandemic, right into the chaos of the end of the semester, I have been struggling to meet new people. Wondering if I was alone in these feelings, I asked a friend (who we will call Abby) if she could relate, and she shared how she has downloaded several dating apps to try and meet new people. And it turns out she is not the only one: With the ever-growing world of technology, increased isolation due to COVID, and overall lack of time to go out because of increased schoolwork, dating apps are being turned to by college students all over the world (Fortune, 2021). 

I asked Abby “why dating apps?” and she explained, “I want to be able to make attachments with new people and also to build up my confidence with social interaction. I struggle to talk to people, so I thought that this would be a good way to force myself to practice engaging in conversations with strangers.” So far Abby’s experience with these apps has been primarily positive; she has met quite a few people and is enjoying talking to new people. 

However, Abby did mention the negative side of dating apps. For example, she shared that she was getting a lot of unwanted and often unnecessary messages. “I mean I was expecting to get a couple of bad ones here and there, but I ended up getting way more than I was ever expecting.” Unfortunately, this is not uncommon as women are twice as likely to receive unwanted responses (Harvey, 2022).

 Abby also mentioned how she sometimes feels like she's playing a risky game with the dating apps. She says “you don't really know these people. Just some pictures and a 250-word biography doesn't tell you who they are or how you will get along with them. It does leave a lot of gray areas.” Abby explained how this makes it harder to achieve the one thing she hopes to get from the apps: genuine connections. Again, Abby is not alone with this desire for real connections. A study conducted by Beauchamp and colleagues (2017) on undergraduate women's experiences with dating apps found that the majority of women who interact with dating apps are looking for engaging and healthy relationships.

Overall, Abby’s experience with dating apps seems representative of other college-aged women and perhaps other genders as well. Many of us are using dating apps to meet new people and create connections. Most of us will run into unwanted messages here and there, but overlooking those cons, dating apps seem like a good tool to help individuals build relationships. 

References

Harvey, A. (2021). Relationship Formation and Sexual Intimacy [PowerPoint slides]. Colorado State University Canvas. http://canvas.colostate.edu

Beauchamp, A. M., Cotton, H. R., LeClere, A. T., Reynolds, E. K., Riordan, S. J., & Sullivan, K. E. (2017). Super Likes and Right Swipes: How Undergraduate Women Experience Dating Apps. Journal of the Student Personnel Association at Indiana University, 1–16. Retrieved from https://scholarworks.iu.edu/journals/index.php/jiuspa/article/view/23700

References

Harvey, A. (2021). Relationship Formation and Sexual Intimacy [PowerPoint slides]. Colorado State University Canvas. http://canvas.colostate.edu

Beauchamp, A. M., Cotton, H. R., LeClere, A. T., Reynolds, E. K., Riordan, S. J., & Sullivan, K. E. (2017). Super Likes and Right Swipes: How Undergraduate Women Experience Dating Apps. Journal of the Student Personnel Association at Indiana University, 1–16. Retrieved from https://scholarworks.iu.edu/journals/index.php/jiuspa/article/view/23700

Fortune. “Activity on Dating Apps Has Surged during the Pandemic.” Fortune. Fortune, February 12, 2021. https://fortune.com/2021/02/12/covid-pandemic-online-dating-apps- usage-tinder-okcupid-bumble-meet-group/.