Attachment and Addiction

    If you’ve been reading this blog, we know that attachment styles can heavily influence aspects of our lives such as relationships, thought processes, and self-image. However, as we’ve written about in our prior posts, attachment style has also been found to have an influence on the addictive tendencies of others. In a recent study, it was found that individuals with an anxious attachment style are more likely to relapse into addictive tendencies. With the back and forth that individuals with anxious attachment styles experience, it can be very easy to go from one extreme of avoiding something to needing an endless amount of it, which helps make sense of why relapse is more common. These back-and-forth behaviors are reflected both in relationships and correlate with addictive behaviors in individuals with anxious attachment styles. 

        For the sake of privacy, I am withholding the identity of the individual that I interviewed privately. They helped shed light on how relapse relates to attachment style. 

 “It can be really easy to find that immediate-release that things like drugs or coping behaviors can offer. Especially when you are at that extreme of just feeling like you need so much of something, it can be easier to go back to your own behaviors than to rely on others.” 

     As someone with an anxious attachment style, I have found that my coping mechanisms come into play when I am most vulnerable and overwhelmed. Although they are not drugs, I can understand how relapse within these behaviors is extremely common, as I resort back to my more negative coping mechanisms when I feel extreme anxiety. My interviewee was able to reflect on this as well: 

 “It sometimes feels as though the anxiety will swallow you whole if you don’t find a way to relieve it. Relapsing with coping behaviors has always been a way for me to fight this overwhelming feeling and deal with these feelings that don’t include projecting onto others. This makes me feel a lot safer and that I can both understand and rely on my actions and know who to blame if they go wrong.” 

     Throughout this interview, it became apparent that this issue is a reoccurring issue, as it is for many individuals with this attachment pattern. Luckily, there are ways to help an anxious attachment style through therapy methods like CBT. I have found that this has personally worked so well for some of the things that I struggle with relating to my anxiety and anxious attachment style. Another study done found that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, (a practice geared towards challenging and changing negative thought patterns and beliefs) found that this practice greatly benefits those with high anxiety related to attachments.

1 & 2 Marshall, S. W., Albery, I. P., & Frings, D. (2018). Who stays in addiction treatment groups? Anxiety and avoidant attachment styles predict treatment retention and relapse. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy, 25(4), 525–531. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1002/cpp.2187 3. McBride C, et al. "Attachment As Moderator of Treatment Outcome in Major Depression: A Randomized Controlled Trial of Interpersonal Psychotherapy Versus Cognitive Behavior Therapy," Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology (2006): Vol. 74, No. 6, pp. 1041–54

Infidelity and Attachment

Infidelity and Attachment

By Nalani Saeks

Experiencing infidelity can be really hard. For many people, it can shake their trust in future partners, sever their relationships, and damage their self-image or sense of worthiness. I know that I personally had experienced infidelity throughout my high school years and this is a somewhat common experience for many people, as 21% of married men and 11% of married women engage in sexual infidelity.^[i] For me, in addition to already having an anxious attachment style, the wounds from being cheated on have definitely impacted my relationships today. But what happens when infidelity causes someone great pain? And is it possible to heal from an attachment injury like cheating and go on to trust a new partner?

 

Attachment injuries occur when someone in a relationship feels abandoned, betrayed, or like they can no longer trust their partner.^[ii]  Because infidelity can cause the affected partner to feel betrayed, abandoned, and unable to trust, it is considered an attachment injury. The pain of affairs and being cheated on can cause a number of responses including shame, depression, anxiety, and flashbacks, all features of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).^[iii] One of my good friends, Zach, experienced cheating in his first long-term relationship, I asked him how it impacted his feelings about himself and how it affected his trust in future partners. He explained that he felt absolutely betrayed and unworthy. 

 

“It’s hard to explain exactly what it does to you when you first find out, but I can still remember how my heart dropped. I started to think about it constantly, questioning why I wasn’t enough. I didn’t want to get into another relationship because I was afraid I would feel that pain again. My anxiety definitely got worse after it happened and it feels like that cycle has continued with my other romantic partners. My trust issues cause problems and I have definitely been dishonest in order to prevent myself from getting hurt, again” 

 

Although the aftermath of experiencing this type of attachment injury can include symptoms of PTSD like numbing, avoidance, rumination, and hypervigilance, it is possible to heal from this type of betrayal.^[iv]  One of the most helpful forms of therapy for couples that chose to stay together that research has shown is EFT or emotionally focused therapy. ^[v] Up to 73% of couples who have worked with a therapist using EFT have been able to heal the relationship and stay together ^[vi] For those of us that have experienced infidelity and struggle with healing our relationship if we chose to stay in it, this is great news. Although Zach chose to end the relationship in which his partner cheated, I asked him about whether or not he felt hopeful about his future relationships he said,

 

“I think that it might take a lot of work, and probably an understanding partner, but I do think that I will be able to trust again. I’ve been taking time to remember who I am and what I deserve and I am hopeful that I will find that one day”. 

 

 

Like any trauma, there is always a chance for healing. Although the dynamic nature of humans can sometimes lead to us causing pain in those that we love, we also have the amazing gift of resilience. If you are struggling with any of the common reactions to a betrayal from a romantic partner, noting that it is normal to experience a PTSD response might be helpful in how you approach your path to healing. If you have personally experienced an attachment injury such as cheating, it might be helpful to consider finding a therapist who is trained in EFT. 

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^[i]Harvey, A. (2021). HDFS 402: Infidelity and Affairs[PowerPoint slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State University Canvas site for HDFS 402: https://colostate.instructure.com/courses/120328/pages/module-11-overview?module_item_id=3358196

^[ii] Makinen, J. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2006). Resolving attachment injuries in couples using emotionally focused therapy: Steps toward forgiveness and reconciliation. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 74(6), 1055–1064. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006x.74.6.1055 

^[iii] Harvey, A. (2021). HDFS 402: Infidelity and Affairs[PowerPoint slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State University Canvas site for HDFS 402: https://colostate.instructure.com/courses/120328/pages/module-11-overview?module_item_id=3358196

^[iv] Harvey, A. (2021). HDFS 402: Infidelity and Affairs[PowerPoint slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State University Canvas site for HDFS 402: https://colostate.instructure.com/courses/120328/pages/module-11-overview?module_item_id=3358196

^[v]Schade, L. C., & Sandberg, J. G. (2012). Healing the Attachment Injury of Marital Infidelity Using Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy: A Case Illustration. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 40(5), 434–444. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2011.631374 

^[vi] Makinen, J. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2006). Resolving attachment injuries in couples using emotionally focused therapy: Steps toward forgiveness and reconciliation. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 74(6), 1055–1064. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-006x.74.6.1055 

"Just Leave Me Alone!" A quick guide to understanding and communicating your attachment needs

 “Just Leave Me Alone!” A quick guide to understanding and communicating your attachment needs. 

 

So hopefully at this point, you know what your attachment style is. If not, go check out the other awesome blog posts to figure it out! Unfortunately, when we have insecure attachment styles, it can make communicating with our intimate partners difficult. This post will help you understand some of your attachment needs and some common behaviors that people with anxious and avoidant attachment styles display. Then, I will give you examples of how to own your needs and communicate them effectively to your intimate partners. 

 

Avoidant Behaviors: 

●      Attempt to maintain independence^[i]

●      Distancing coping strategies^[ii] (removing themselves from conflict etc.)

●      Fear of intimacy^[iii]

●      Denying partner’s attachment needs^[iv]

 

Anxious Behaviors:

●      Vigilant about partners pulling away ^[v]

●      Clinging^[vi]

●      Demanding^[vii]

●      Fear of separation^[viii]

●      Over expression of needs^[ix]

 

Anxious Needs: 

●      Closeness with partner^[x]

Avoidant Needs:

●      To feel appreciated^[xi]

Note* This is not a comprehensive list 

 

I interviewed my brother, Charlie,  and his girlfriend, Bea, about their communication patterns and whether they thought it was impacted by their attachment styles. They told me: 

 

Bea (anxious attachment style): “I definitely struggle with explaining to Charlie that my fear or abandonment can make me behave in ways that I realize aren’t even helpful. I tend to cling and accuse him of things when I’m feeling disconnected. This can impact his response for sure.”

 

Charlie (avoidant attachment style): “Yeah. I usually shut down and get angry when I feel like I’ve done something wrong so it’s hard for me to put myself in her shoes.” 

 

Although these are common responses for these attachment styles, it is possible to slowly break this cycle of communication and help tune into your partners needs during conflict. These examples are suggestions made by my therapist and examples of phrases that my partner and I try to use to break our anxious-avoidant cycle. 

 

Some examples for expressing anxious attachment needs: 

 

“I can understand if it is hard to talk about things when they go wrong in our relationship, sometimes I get scared, too. At the same time, something has come up that I would like to work together to resolve so that we can feel close. Will you let me know when you are ready to talk?” 

 

“I love that we are able to spend time apart doing our own things, at the same time, I have felt a little disconnected recently, could you help me find a solution so that we can balance our time together with our other activities?” 

 

Some examples for expressing avoidant attachment needs: 

 

“What you have to say is really important to me, but I struggle to listen when I feel like I messed up. Could we try approaching this in a different way?”

 

“I’m noticing you are feeling a lot of emotions right now, it makes sense that you would be upset about this. At the same time, I am used to turning inward to calm myself down and avoid painful emotions. Can you help me understand how I can help you right now?” 

 

I hope that this guide can help you express your needs in a safe way and benefit you and your partner in the future! I would love to hear what communication strategies work in your relationships! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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^[i] Simpson, J. A.,; Rholes, W. S. (2012). Adult Attachment Orientations, Stress, and Romantic Relationships. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 279–328. https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-0-12-394286-9.00006-8 

^[ii] Simpson, J. A.,; Rholes, W. S. (2012). Adult Attachment Orientations, Stress, and Romantic Relationships. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 279–328. https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-0-12-394286-9.00006-8 

^[iii] Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2012). Adult Attachment Orientations, Stress, and Romantic Relationships. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 279–328. https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-0-12-394286-9.00006-8  

^[iv]Vollmann, M., Sprang, S., & van den Brink, F. (2019). Adult attachment and relationship satisfaction: The mediating role of gratitude toward the partner. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(11-12), 3875–3886. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519841712 

^[v] Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2012). Adult Attachment Orientations, Stress, and Romantic Relationships. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 279–328. https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-0-12-394286-9.00006-8 

^[vi]Vollmann, M., Sprang, S., & van den Brink, F. (2019). Adult attachment and relationship satisfaction: The mediating role of gratitude toward the partner. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(11-12), 3875–3886. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519841712 

^[vii]Vollmann, M., Sprang, S., & van den Brink, F. (2019). Adult attachment and relationship satisfaction: The mediating role of gratitude toward the partner. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(11-12), 3875–3886. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519841712 

^[viii]Vollmann, M., Sprang, S., & van den Brink, F. (2019). Adult attachment and relationship satisfaction: The mediating role of gratitude toward the partner. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(11-12), 3875–3886. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519841712 

^[ix]Vollmann, M., Sprang, S., & van den Brink, F. (2019). Adult attachment and relationship satisfaction: The mediating role of gratitude toward the partner. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(11-12), 3875–3886. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519841712

^[x] Simpson, J. A., ; Rholes, W. S. (2012). Adult Attachment Orientations, Stress, and Romantic Relationships. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 279–328. https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-0-12-394286-9.00006-8  

^[xi]Vollmann, M., Sprang, S., & van den Brink, F. (2019). Adult attachment and relationship satisfaction: The mediating role of gratitude toward the partner. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(11-12), 3875–3886. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407519841712