Attachment Struggles During Pregnancy

    Being pregnant and creating a family of your own is one of many people’s greatest achievements in life and can be a large source of joy. While I don’t have any first-hand pregnancy experience, I remember when my mom was pregnant with my twin sisters. I was only four years old, so I only remember being super excited about seeing my mom walk around with my sisters in her belly.

    While pregnancy is a time of joy and excitement for many, it can have many hard components that come along with it such as depression, anxiety, and changing self-image issues. This got me thinking, how does being pregnant impact attachment? I interviewed my mother, Cindy, about her experiences during pregnancy. When asked about changes in her relationship she noticed while pregnant, she said:

“Being pregnant was one of the greatest periods of my life, but I remember it brought a lot of difficulties that I didn’t have before. It made me feel really insecure about my image and what I could do with my body, and the stress of having a high-risk pregnancy really took a toll on the romance in [my husband and I’s] relationship,”

    Cindy isn’t alone in these feelings. In fact, many pregnant women go through many hard mental as well as physical changes during pregnancy. While many women report symptoms of a changing attachment style, attachment science isn’t often applied to pregnancy outside of the mother and child. One study examined this specifically within teenagers, and found that pregnant teenagers are three times more likely to form an insecure attachment style such as enmeshed (anxious), angry-dismissive (avoidant), or fearful¹. This in turn contributes to significantly higher rates of depression for pregnant women. Adult pregnant women were also found to have a more insecure attachment style compared to pregnant teenagers¹.

    However, pregnancy also has the  ability to cause many positives in relationships. When asked about positives she saw in her relationship while pregnant, Cindy recalled:

“While the ‘stereotypical’ romantic things died down, I fell in love with [my husband] more and more while pregnant. Going through something like this together really strengthens your bond, your trust, and your commitment to each other. I felt very happy and safe, even if the romantic picnics weren’t as frequent anymore.”

    Pregnancy is a huge change for many individuals, and has the possibility to lead to both positive and negative outcomes. I think one of the key takeaways from this topic is that more research needs to be done to examine the relationship between pregnancy and romantic attachment. It is also important to think of ways we can support pregnant persons and how individuals whose partners are pregnant can foster a secure attachment style during this time.

    I’d love to hear how you think people can foster a secure attachment style while going through pregnancy, and how can they keep this going after the baby is born. Comment your thoughts below!

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¹ Figueiredo, B., Bifulco, A., Pacheco, A., Costa, R., & Magarinho, R. (2006). Teenage pregnancy, attachment style, and depression: A comparison of teenage and adult pregnant women in a Portuguese series. Attachment & Human Development, 8(2), 123–138. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1080/14616730600785686

Help! How Do I Heal?

 Help! How do I heal? 

For those of us who struggle with an insecure attachment style, it can be difficult to know what path to take to get ourselves closer to experiencing the world as someone with a secure attachment. Although there is no shame in having an anxious, avoidant, or mixed insecure attachment style, I know that I wanted to feel secure with my long-term partner and try and decrease the anxiety I felt surrounding our relationship. After starting therapy with a therapist who focuses on trauma-focused techniques for healing, I found that I was able to calm my nervous system surrounding my fears of abandonment. I hope to offer a little guidance so that  my fellow insecure attachment friends find similar relief. 

 

The techniques that my therapist uses are brainspotting and EFT (emotional freedom technique) and if you are interested in learning more about either of these, I have attached links at the end of this post. However, I will be focusing on another technique today called EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing). If you are unfamiliar with EMDR, I will give a brief overview and then discuss how this approach can be useful in overcoming the hardships that come with an insecure attachment. Basically, EMDR is an approach that therapists use that involves using sounds that go from ear to ear, taps from hand to hand, or eye movements while assisting the client in processing trauma, shame, fear, and other challenges.

^[1]

The main focus is to desensitize the client to their original emotional responses to triggers.^[ii] Because people who experience insecure attachment styles tend to fear being abandoned, fear intimacy, ruminate over the relationship, and experience other challenges that prevent them from finding safety and security in their intimate relationships, utilizing a technique that can calm these fears can be extremely helpful.^[iii]  

 

As I began my research on EMDR, I remembered that my cousin, Mairi, had found success with this technique and she has also shared that she struggled with insecure attachment. When I asked her if she felt like EMDR has helped her overcome negative core beliefs she held about herself and if she felt like her anxiety surrounding relationships has changed sinced starting EMDR she responded,

 

“Yes, absolutely. It has enabled me to rediscover the relationship I have with myself and not feel like my brain is lying to me constantly. And I have also been able to accept the trauma that I have gone through and not let it hold me back in future relationships. I have developed a really great support system now that I am able to trust myself and trust others.” 

 

Mairi noted that she feels like EMDR has had a great impact on her attachment style. This aligns with research conducted surrounding the impact that EMDR has on helping people gain a secure attachment style even if they started with an insecure attachment style.^[iv] This is just one way to begin on your path to healing and attempt to form a secure attachment. If this is something you are interested in, as my cousin Mairi said, 

 

“It’s okay to not go with the first EMDR specialist you meet. You need to find someone you connect with and feel supported by”. 

 

This work is difficult, but it is so worth it.

 The EMDR International Association (EMDRIA) can help you find an EMDR practitioner  This work is difficult, but it is so worth it.

 

 

 

 

Link to details about Brainspotting:

 

https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/types/brainspotting-therapy

 

Link to details about EFT:

 

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6381429/

 

 

 

 

 

 

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^[1] Wesselmann, D., Davidson, M., Armstrong, S., Schweitzer, C., Bruckner, D., & Potter, A. E. (2012). EMDR as a treatment for improving attachment status in adults and children. European Review of Applied Psychology, 62(4), 223–230. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.erap.2012.08.008 

^[ii]Wesselmann, D., Davidson, M., Armstrong, S., Schweitzer, C., Bruckner, D., & Potter, A. E. (2012). EMDR as a treatment for improving attachment status in adults and children. European Review of Applied Psychology, 62(4), 223–230. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.erap.2012.08.008 

 

^[iii] Harvey, A. (2021). HDFS 402: Infidelity and Affairs[PowerPoint slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State University Canvas site for HDFS 402: https://colostate.instructure.com/courses/120328/pages/module-9-overview?module_item_id=3358190

 

^[iv] Wesselmann, D., Davidson, M., Armstrong, S., Schweitzer, C., Bruckner, D., & Potter, A. E. (2012). EMDR as a treatment for improving attachment status in adults and children. European Review of Applied Psychology, 62(4), 223–230. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.erap.2012.08.008 

 

Attachment Style and Related Medical Needs

    The relationships that we form with others play a huge role in your physical and mental health. Being able to create and maintain healthy relationships can stem from the attachment style that is developed in childhood and influenced throughout life. Many individuals are affected by childhood-related trauma, or other negative life events that can lead to having insecure attachment styles within relationships. 

     Based on previous experiences that correspond to an individual’s overall attachment style, research has found that some resulting attachment styles have a higher need for medical attention throughout their lives than others. Based on coping mechanisms and attachment styles that have developed from interpersonal experiences, some individuals have experienced more detrimental effects to their mental health, which then corresponds to physical health. 

     Honestly, I think that this is so highly correlated with the amount of satisfaction and healthiness that we see in our relationships. Relationships, especially intimate ones, can have drastic effects on our day-to-day lives. This includes our mental health and physical health, so having an attachment style in which you are unable to develop healthy relationships can be very straining on multiple aspects of life. Insecure attachment styles have been found to correspond to higher levels of physical symptoms and more symptom reporting than those with secure attachments For the sake of this blog post, I interviewed a friend of mine, Hunter, who has also struggled with attachment style. I asked him specifically how this affected his medical needs and this is what he had to say: 

 “I have an anxious attachment style, and I have found that I go to the doctor pretty frequently. I have several medical issues that impact my life but don’t have an official diagnosis as to why I experience them. These include migraines, stomach pain, and regularly having nights where I am throwing up but am not ‘sick’. I don’t know if this has any correlation to my attachment style or if my body is just weird, but I do go pretty frequently.” 

    

     As Hunter’s story suggests, studies have found that individuals with insecure attachment styles are more likely to have a need for medical attention more regularly. Individuals with anxious attachment styles have been seen to have more medical visits than those with any other attachment style. 

     I have personally experienced these effects through my romantic relationships. I struggle with having a more anxious/insecure attachment style due to past trauma, and it can be really difficult at times to talk with my partner and not internalize many of the things that may ‘trigger’ my trauma responses. 

     As we have talked about in this blog, there are a lot of ways to increase attachment security in relationships and improve health. I found that going to therapy and talking with a professional regarding the problems I have had has made my health significantly better. This reduces the strain that is placed on an individual and can create healthier coping mechanisms, improving the result that this has on physical health because of the correlation it has to mental health. The ties that mental and physical health have together are ones that should be known and acknowledged by everyone. Hunter said something in our interview that also related to this concept, 

 “I know that mental symptoms can begin to manifest and present as physical symptoms within my life, and I often wonder if that’s where some of my symptoms come from. I have noticed when I am in a better place mentally, I don’t experience them as frequently.” 

     It can be really difficult to work through the problems that arise in disordered attachment styles but there is still hope! Having a solid support system and knowing the resources that are available to you plays a large part in this. At the end of the day, recognize your needs and understand what you can do to meet them in the most effective way possible.

1 & 2. Lafrenaye-Dugas, et. Al.. (2020) Profiles of medical services use and health status in sex therapy clients: Associations with therapeutic alliance, attachment and trauma. Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality. Vol. 29 Issue 3, p263-274. 12p. 

 3. Cienchanowski, P., Walker, E., Katon, W., & Russo, J. (2002). Attachment Theory: A Model for Health Care Utilization and Somatization. Psychosomatic Medicine. Volume 64, Issue 2, p. 660-667.

Mindfulness – It Impacts More than just Yourself!

    Mindfulness is something we have all heard a lot about, that is, the idea of intentionally strengthening or achieving peace within your mind, body, and soul. I myself have struggled with achieving what I thought were “typical” types of mindfulness, but I found out that mindfulness can be achieved through a variety of ways: through meditation, taking a walk, even crafting or listening to music.

    I have been told the benefits of mindfulness for as long as I can remember, and I always have heard that it can impact every area of your life. As someone with an anxious attachment style who is in a committed relationship with someone who holds a secure attachment style, I got to wondering how mindfulness is related to attachment.

    As it turns out, there is a very strong association between mindfulness and attachment styles, with those with insecure attachment styles reporting lower levels of mindfulness¹. Mindfulness activities diminish perceived stress, anxiety, rumination, and negative affect and increase positive affect and self-compassion¹. These are all contributors to well-being in relationships, as well as predictors of attachment security.

    While I may be inexperienced in practicing mindfulness, I have many friends who have been practicing it for years. I reached out to one of them, Olivia, and asked her about how she’s noticed mindfulness impacting her life, but especially regarding her dating life:

"The most valuable thing about mindfulness, which for me exists in the form of meditation and  reflection, is an increase in self-esteem. I have found not only to appreciate myself more, but also how to work on becoming more confident. This has helped me in my dating life because I know my worth and my partner’s worth, and I find I don’t get jealous or clingy nearly as much as I used to.”

    Olivia, while not currently in a committed relationship, hints at one of the concepts discussed earlier: secure attachment. Olivia’s mindfulness practices have allowed her to form healthy habits that contribute to her secure attachment style, which has been beneficial in her relationships. The research backs this up, it has been shown that mindfulness increases sense of well-being and diminishes the negative effects of insecure attachment on this well-being.

    While this relationship between mindfulness and attachment science is new, there are very promising correlations between the two. This is something we can all take into account with our relationships, both romantic and platonic. I know I will be starting to make some more time in my week to explore mindfulness, and I look forward to seeing its impact on my relationships. Remember, mindfulness can be practiced in many different ways – it is all about finding the one that is best for you. What are your favorite ways to practice mindfulness?

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¹ Davis, T. J., Morris, M., & Drake, M. M. (2016). The moderation effect of mindfulness on the relationship between adult attachment and wellbeing. Personality and Individual Differences, 96, 115–121. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1016/j.paid.2016.02.080

Attachment During the COVID-19 Pandemic

    We are currently in April of 2021, which marks a little over a year since diving into socially distanced and mask-wearing life as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic. If you’re like me, it’s been pretty tough. As someone with a more anxious attachment style, I was underprepared for the amount of issues COVID and its isolation and separation would bring for me and my relationship. Being apart from my partner made it difficult for me to have my needs met because I thrive off of close contact and quality time, which was severely cut-down during COVID.

    I was curious about how attachment has been impacted by social isolation. I interviewed my roommate, Jessica, about her experiences with her partner during COVID-19. When asked about how she saw changes in her relationship during this time of lockdown, Jessica hinted about how being socially-distanced for a long period of time caused her to take on more of an anxious attachment style than she had held previously.

"For a while, we agreed to remain socially distant with our relationship. We got as creative as we could for date ideas, with lots of them happening outside or via Facetime. I don’t usually see myself as a “needey” partner in a relationship, but I found being socially distant was really hard. It was like we were together, but we weren’t.”

    External stressors such as a pandemic have large impacts on mental health and attachment¹. It is no wonder that many of us, all with varying levels of attachment, have been feeling off during this event. Emotional responses during global stressors are more likely to include fear and uncertainty, and this can severely impact the degree of security in a relationship. Instead of going out and seeking other sources of support, many couples have been forced to seek only one main source of support – each other¹.

    The concepts of safe haven and separation distress are useful in understanding this relationship stress. Safe haven consists of relying on an attachment figure to provide safety and comfort, but isolation has caused couples to either get not enough of this or too much of it². Separation distress may be the biggest component of attachment theory exacerbated by COVID, as many couples who may have already been feeling fears of disconnectedness have seen it rise during the increased separation that has come with COVID. For instance, I noticed myself feeling very anxious when away from my partner, and when we were able to see each other when it was deemed “safe”, I had a hard time being separated afterwards as I was fearful that the separation would be long-term again.

    However, it isn’t all bad. COVID also brings many positive possibilities for couples such as more opportunities for self-development and exploration and learning how to problem solve with your partner. When asked about how she has seen her relationship grow during COVID, Jessica discussed the importance of intentional time with each other.

“We found it almost convenient that we couldn’t hang out with a lot of other people…And with so little that we’re able to do in the outside world, it gave us more opportunity for pure quality time moments between us where all we could do was sit in my room and talk, take a drive and talk, cook dinner and talk, etc. It really required a liking for the other person that wasn’t solely based on environment or exposure.”

    COVID has caused many people to reevaluate what is important in their lives, and relationships are no exception. There have been many challenges regarding attachment that have arisen as a result of this stressor, with some relationships surviving, and others not being as lucky. Putting effort towards developing secure attachment is crucial here, as it allows you to dive down into your partner’s needs and feelings in a relationship. Some ways you can work to do this are setting time to intentionally talk with your partner, going on dates, and making an effort to pay attention to your partner’s love languages. Couples who have done this during the pandemic also report more positive relationship satisfaction levels³. With intention and dedication, we can all get through the hardships that may arise and emerge even stronger.

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¹ Williamson, H. C. (2020). Early effects of the COVID-19 pandemic on relationship satisfaction and attributions. Psychological Science, 31(12), 1479–1487. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1177/0956797620972688

² Vowels, L. M., & Carnelley, K. B. (2020). Attachment styles, negotiation of goal conflict, and perceived partner support during covid-19. Personality and Individual Differences. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1016/j.paid.2020.110505

³ Moccia, L., Janiri, D., Pepe, M., Dattoli, L., Molinaro, M., De Martin, V., Chieffo, D., Janiri, L., Fiorillo, A., Sani, G., & Di Nicola, M. (2020). Affective temperament, attachment style, and the psychological impact of the COVID-19 outbreak: An early report on the Italian general population. Brain, Behavior, and Immunity, 87, 75–79. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1016/j.bbi.2020.04.048

Forming Attachment in a Society Online

    One of the most up-and-coming dating strategies we are seeing as a society is revolving around online dating. Especially during the time of a worldwide pandemic, it can be incredibly difficult to meet new people, specifically someone of romantic interest. I know that for me personally, I found the relationship that I am in current through a dating app but never expected to meet a partner through it. Why was I on the app, then? I used it to cure boredom or help with validation. 

 For many individuals of our generation, dating apps are commonly used for casual sex, boredom busters, meeting new people, or for getting validation online. It’s easy to swipe through an app looking at the first picture or two of possible candidates and swiping based on their looks or the few words they fit into the text below. But how does this affect how we actually view and think of the person on the other side of the screen? I interviewed a friend, Sara, to get a little more information on what she thought as a user of online dating apps: 

 “Honestly, I feel like using apps like Tinder and Bumble reduce people down to pictures, similar to the way that social media does. We live in such a fast-paced society and I feel like so many of us are so quick to judge others based on meaningless things like how well they take pictures and can put them in a profile. In reality, this says little to nothing about who they actually are.” 

 But how does this affect the way we are able to develop an attachment to these individuals who are very real people when we meet them in person? From the conversations and experiences I have had, many of these interactions never take on a “face-to-face” element, and when they do, it’s almost as if you are meeting a stranger regardless of how many times you have talked before. For many, it’s a way they can hide behind a device and avoid the possibility of rejection or gain validation from the number of matches or messages they get and move on. This is especially relevant for individuals with a more anxious attachment style, as these ideas apply more specifically to them, (Chin, et al., 2019). 

 “Although there are real relationships and positive outcomes that can come from dating apps, for many people it is just a game. There is a real-life fear of meeting strangers from the internet which can made implementing this seems dangerous. So, for a lot of people, it will never impact their real-world experiences.” 

 Although dating apps can be used for positive outcomes, such as the one I have experienced, for many these outcomes are few and far between. Dating apps can be seen as a game and minimize the idea of someone being a real person who is experiencing real life just as intensely as you are. 

1. Chin, et. Al., 2019. Attachment to Dating Apps: Attachment Orientations and preference for dating apps. Mobile Media & Communication, https://doi.org/10.1177%2F2050157918770696