Attachment Style and Relationship Formation

    November is quickly approaching and with it comes snuggle weather, family holidays, snowball fights, hot chocolate, and the most dreaded of all; cuffing season. Cuffing season, following “hot girl or boy summer”, starts in the fall months and goes throughout winter. This season may be full of fun Instagram worthy winter adventures with your new boo. Or our relationship status may remain unchanged. If your family is anything like mine, the change of seasons becomes a time for the dreaded questions about my lack of a romantic life. These cheery conversations usually occur over the mashed potatoes at the dinner table. In case your family isn’t the same as mine, here are some of the questions I have been asked: “Why aren’t you dating anyone?” “There has to be a cute guy at the college of yours.” “You know you’re getting older right?”. Despite the want for Instagram worthy date pictures and the pressure from my family I do not feel the need to be in a relationship. After all, being single during our emerging adult years can empower us to explore our passions, and life goals. 

    Despite me being okay with this season of singleness, I was curious about individuals that want to be in a relationship but are currently single. I have friends that are always in a relationship or going on dates, but I also have friends that have only been on a handful of dates since high school. I was curious about how our attachment styles impact our self-efficacy in relationship formation. For this blog I interviewed a very sweet friend of mine, Anna. She has not been in a committed relationship before. When asked about her confidence in initiating, developing and maintaining a relationship her response was as follows: 

    “Obviously, I am not very good at initiating a romantic relationship. If I was in a relationship, I feel like I would be scared the whole time that I couldn’t maintain it. I would be afraid that he would leave me. The fear of rejection is the main thing that I believe stops me from pursuing romantic relationships.”

 

    When we have an insecure attachment, we may frequently doubt our ability to be successful in tasks, especially during social interactions¹. We might even feel unqualified to be in a romantic relationship. When we have insecurities, we do not jump headfirst into situations where our insecurities could become obvious. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy: individuals with an insecure attachment have a lower sense of efficacy which then negatively influences their ability to engage in romantic relationships¹. Anna agreed and said that she is not confident in her ability to have a relationship and is afraid to seek them out even though she wishes to pursue one. Our confidence in our own ability has a major impact on what we pursue, and this can especially be seen in our pursuit of a dating relationship. 

    Our caregivers have a much greater impact on our relationship formation than I had previously believed. Their interactions with each other, and with us while we were children provide us with a representation of what relationships should look like². Anna stated during her interview that her parent’s relationship provided her with an idea of what she wants her future relationships to look like. She mentioned that despite her challenging relationship with her parents during childhood, she now has a greater appreciation of her parents’ marriage and parenting style. 

    “My parents have a huge impact on my current view of dating relationship. My parents love each other so much. They’re good at very different things but that makes them a good team. I don’t think that they love each other any less than they did on their wedding day. I strive to be as in love as they are and parent as they did. My parents are absolutely amazing. Another way they have impacted my current view is that they met when they were older. I know that the right time will come, and I can wait as long as I need. I am not in a rush to find my future husband.” 

    The representation that we form greatly depend on the warmth, and responsiveness our parents provided us². Due to this representation individuals who have an insecure attachment style have been shown to experience increased difficultly forming intimate relationships compared to individuals with a secure attachment style. It is interesting that we internalize our parent’s interactions with us and then use that as a model for, potentially, all of our future relationships². 

    I find it fascinating that our attachment style impacts our relationship self-efficacy and psychosocial development. Our relationships with our caregivers during childhood have such a far-reaching impact that I had not previously considered. I believe that this blog emphasizes the important of evaluating our own intentions and ideals concerning romantic relationships. Whether you are staying single or finding a new boo this cuffing season, reflection can be powerful tool to improve the initiation, development, and maintenance of relationships. 

¹Cnossen, F. S., Harman, K. A., & Butterworth, R. (2019). Attachment, efficacy beliefs and relationships satisfaction in dating, emerging adult women. Journal of Relationships Research 10(19), 1-9. doi: 10.1017/jrr.2019.14 

²Kumar, S. M., & Mattanah, J. F. (2016). Parental attachment, romantic competence, relationship satisfaction, and psychosocial adjustment in emerging adulthood. Personal Relationships, 23, 801-817. doi: 10.1111/pere.12161

Gaining a Secure Attachment

    Throughout my blog posts and those posted by others we have explored the impact that childhood attachment has on us as emerging adults. The majority of the blogs have focused on the impacts of having an insecure attachment. This may be discouraging to read if we identify with an attachment style other than secure. But the coolest thing about attachment is that we have the ability to experience growth and switch to a secure attachment style! Around one in four individuals change their attachment style during adulthood¹. Throughout this blog we have encouraged readers and ourselves to reflect on our own attachment style. This reflection has prepared us with the knowledge to potentially change our attachment style. 

    Before we make the decision to pursue earning a secure attachment, we must decide if it is worth the work and reflection; which in my opinion, it is. Individuals who have a secure attachment have a higher self-esteem, are comfortable sharing emotions, more independent, and have better communication skills to list a few benefits². This is an extremely shortened list of traits associated with a secure attachment. In addition to providing personal benefits, having a secure attachment also improves our romantic and personal relationships¹. When we are in a securely attached relationship, we experience higher satisfaction, intimacy, and trust. We also experience better conflict resolution and less overall conflict in the relationship. Everyone can experience a secure attachment; it is not out of our reach¹. 

    One way that we can change our attachment style is by forming new relationships with others who can serve as attachment figures³. These relationships can be with friends or romantic partners³. Emerging adulthood is a great time to find others to form these relationships with because for most of us, this is the first time that we are leaving our parents and meeting people outside of our hometown. I know this is true especially for me; during the last four years at CSU I have met so many people that have become my second family. These new attachment figures, most commonly romantic partners, often displace our caregivers and become a key attachment figure³. This study found that we rank our attachment figures from most to least important based on their accessibility and support of our attachment needs (think back to safe haven and proximity maintenance). During childhood our caregiver, typically our mother, is our most important attachment figure but when we enter into romantic relationships our partner often eventually replaces our caregiver(s) in the most important slot (but remember our caregivers may remain key attachment figures throughout our lives)³. Rose, mentioned in my Happily Attached Forever blog, has gained a secure attachment with her fiancé Aaron. I asked her to rank her attachment figures based on importance. 

    “This is the first time in my life I could actually list a personal relationship BEFORE my immediate family. I would rank it as the following. Aaron is definitely first—and he will be for the rest of my life. My immediate family (parents and siblings) follow right after him. They all know me at a great depth, especially my oldest sister Allyson. My close friends come right after my family. I want good things for them and they’re on my mind a lot. I rejoice in my friends’ highs and share in their lows. I actually think troubles in friendships are my highest level of self-inflicted stress—if I feel some sort of conflict with a friend of mine, I’ll just stress over it until it is solved.” 

    Though we can gain a secure attachment through our relationships, it is important to remember that for this to occur our attachment figure needs to have or be working towards a secure attachment¹. This requires a high amount of intentionality when determining who we should form relationships with⁴. We cannot gain a secure attachment if we are in relationships with only insecurely attached individuals¹. We must also be intentional about our own behavior in our relationships⁴. We should work on pursuing healthy behaviors such as slowly trusting our partner more and gaining a healthy amount of intimacy⁴. We are active agents in this change as well. We cannot just rely on our securely attached partner to make this change occur. I asked Rose what she did to gain a secure attachment with Aaron. 

    “To gain a secure attachment with Aaron, I had to determine if I could trust him. I think the biggest milestone for me was actually sharing some unfortunate truths about myself with him. Sharing the worst things about myself with Aaron and realizing that they didn’t push him away gave me great confidence in our relationship. He didn’t reject me at my worst, and that removed a lot of uncertainty from our relationship”. 

    As well as seeking relationships with secure individuals we can apply the reflections we have been making throughout these blogs to redefine our identity⁴. We have to believe that we are worthy and capable of a secure attachment. An important aspect that allows us to redefine our identity is removing any victim mentality that we may have from our childhood relationships. This is not an easy task that occurs overnight but there are multiple resources that we can use such as therapy, self-help books, or revisiting our past relationships to make amends⁴. Everyone is capable of achieving a secure attachment style if they reflect on their own relationships and characteristics and are willing to make changes. The most impactful ways that we can gain a secure attachment is through engaging in healthy secure relationships, being intentional, and redefining our identity. These behaviors will require conscious thought and reflection, but they are doable. We are in charge of our own attachment style, and it is up to us to pursue healthy and positive behaviors that will transform our relationships and life. 

 

¹Levine, A., & Heller R. S. F. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find- and keep- love. Penguin Group. 

²Rotner, J. (2020). HDFS 311: Family Relationships [PowerPoint slides]. Retrieved from Colorado State University Canvas site for HDFS 311: https://ramct.colostate.edu/ 

³Keren, E., & Mayseless, O. (2013). The freedom to choose secure attachment relationships in adulthood. The Journal of Genetic Psychology, 174(3), 271-290. doi: 10.1080/00221325.2012.681326 

⁴Dansby Olufowote, R. A., Fife, S. T., Schleiden, C., & Whiting, J. B. (2019). How can I become more secure?: A grounded theory of earning secure attachment. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 46(3), 489-506. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/jmft.12409

Deciphering Attachment Style

    Imagine if I were to tell you that there was a way to transform your romantic relationships. A way to know what your partner wants in a relationship and explain their behavior. The ability to know the thoughts that you, and your partner, may not be comfortable discussing. Learning each other’s attachment style could help provide a total relationship transformation. In a previous blog, Exploring Adult Attachment, the AAI was discussed as a resource that can be used to help determine attachment. In this blog we will be looking at the Attached Compatibility Quiz to determine our own attachment style and our partners². Unlike the AAI, the Attached Compatibility Quiz asks about our current relationship instead of our history with our caregivers². This is a great resource to start exploring attachment styles within our relationships. 

    Knowing our partners attachment style is a useful way to gain a deeper understanding of their behavior, as well as a way to predict future behavior¹. In our relationships we act in predictable ways based on our attachment style. The authors of the book Attached, even go as far as saying that these predictable behaviors are predetermined. Our attachment style influences our views on physical and emotional intimacy, conflict management, communication skills, and overall desires in the relationship. As a result of the influence attachment has on these behaviors, we can make predictions based on our partner’s attachment style. We can predict that individuals with an avoidant attachment style want emotional closeness but have an even stronger desire to push their partner away and maintain their independence. We can also predict that individuals with an anxious attachment style may desire to be close to their partner, and when they are not this desire can consume them. As you can see, knowing our partners attachment style can help us explain and predict the behavior which will transform your relationship¹. For this blog I had Sophie complete the quiz and answer the reflection questions below. Sophie has been dating Tyler for the last year, but they have been long distance their entire relationship. 

1. What were your results from the attachment style survey? What did you decipher as your partners attachment style? 

My results showed that I was insecure avoidant. Tyler was secure. 

2. Where their any questions in the survey that you had a challenging time answering or sparked discussion? 

The first question that I thought was interesting was question 3, “An argument with my partner doesn’t usually cause me to question my relationship”². We haven’t really had many arguments in the past year that we have been dating. When we do have arguments, we have agreed to disagree or just flipped a coin. I always try to avoid arguments if necessary. 

The last question was “my independence is more important to me than my relationship”². I was not in a relationship for a very long time, so I figured out how to be independent before I figured out how to be in a relationship. It is weirder for me to be in a relationship than it is to be independent. 

3. How do you react when he infringes on your independence?

I do value being independent because, I know that as a future vet I will need to make my own decisions. I need to have confidence in my own decision and opinion. I have to decide where to go for vet school, and where to live. This decision has to be the best for me and no one else. When he does infringe on my independence it honestly is not that bad because, he is in Denver, so there is not much he can do. I sometimes keep things foggy and don’t share everything to maintain my independence. I do that with plans to stay independent and not hurt his feelings.

4. After reading the chapter in Attached¹ that explained your attachment style, were you surprised about any traits or characteristics that described your attachment style? Do you disagree with any of them? 

I somewhat agree with having deactivating strategies¹. With the potential to go to vet school out of the country I often wonder if I should continue trying to have a relationship with him. I also wonder if once I am in vet school if we should continue trying to make this relationship work. I also think about the age gap, and if he is in a different place in his life than I am in mine. 

I disagree that I don’t focus on small imperfections¹. I notice them but they do not impact my relationship decisions. The last thing that I agreed on that was mentioned in this chapter was avoiding emotional intimacy1. I do not say I love you. It is very hard and does not come naturally. 

5. How can/does knowing Tyler’s and your attachment styles impact your relationship? Can knowing this information help you improve your relationship? 

Honestly, I don’t think it does a lot. I think that even if we have different attachment styles, we still have a good relationship. I think especially with our attachment styles it is good that we are long distance. I think if I were around him every day it would be harder to get used too. Long distance allows me to maintain my independence. In the future I want to gain a secure attachment, but since my life is so up in the air I do not want to form a secure attachment with Tyler until after vet school. 

    Knowing our own and our partners attachment style is very powerful and can transform our relationship. Though Sophie does not plan on using the knowledge gained about her attachment style to immediately improve her relationship with Tyler, she was able to recognize multiple aspects in her life that are influenced by her attachment style. Influenced by Sophie’s reflection; I plan on transforming my future romantic relationships and friendships by acknowledging when my behavior is a result of my attachment system. I believe that acknowledging our attachment styles will provide us with more intimate and supportive relationships. 

¹Levine, A., & Heller, R. S. F. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find- and keep- love. Penguin Group. 

²Levine, A., & Heller, R. S.F. (2018). Compatibility Quiz. Attached. Retrieved from https://www.attachedthebook.com/wordpress/compatibility-quiz/

Happily Attached Forever

    This weekend my roommates and I had a Disney movie marathon, mainly watching the Disney princess movies. During my childhood I was obsessed with Disney movies involving princesses. I had this fantasy in my head that when I was older my prince charming would come and dramatically change my life. I am not sure if other people can relate to this fantasy, but even if you did not dream of prince charming coming to your rescue you probably still had (or have) a dream romantic partner. I think that it is common for us to long for romantic partners that will transform our lives and provide opportunities that would otherwise not be available. One theme that I noticed in these princess movies is that prince charming offered an increased sense of security that was lacking before the princess had met him. Reflecting on that idea, I was curious about if, regardless of our own attachment histories, we are drawn to securely attached individuals. 

    To explore this topic further I interviewed my roommate Rose about her relationship with her fiancé Aaron. Rose reported that with her parents she believes that she has an insecure attachment but with Aaron she experiences a very secure attachment. 

    "My relationship with Aaron is very secure. I have no doubts about him. He feels like family, I can go to him in any moment of need and tell him any struggles that I have. I don’t have this same level of security with my parents, I have spent so much time trying to appease my mother. My mom is pretty overbearing especially when I was a teenager. She is very opinionated, critical, and controlling." 

    Researchers have found that we do prefer partners that are secure in their attachment style when we are dating¹. This idea is referred to as the attachment security hypothesis. These researchers completed an experiment that I found to be interesting. College-aged students were told to read imaginary relationship scenarios that represented one of the four attachment types: secure, anxious, avoidant or disorganized. They were then asked to rank the imaginary scenarios based on their initial reaction and emotions felt. I found it interesting that the scenarios with a secure attachment style represented were always ranked first and rated more positively regardless of the participant’s own attachment style. It is crazy that with insecure attachment styles, “like does not typically attract like.” This is even true in relationships between two individuals with insecure attachments! It is more likely that one couple will have an anxious attachment style and the other partner will have an avoidant attachment style. It is less that in long-term dating relationships two people with the same attachment styles are together, and the only exception is two securely attached individuals¹. Rose believes that in her relationship with Aaron, different attachment styles and personalities definitely attracted and brought them together. 

    "My relationship with Aaron has just been something I never thought I would have experienced. He is perfect and patient in so many ways. For example, when we have conflict, he knows how I deal with conflict, and that I have a lot of trouble thinking through the issue and what I want to say. He is very patient and silent as he waits for me to talk. He knows that it will take a couple minutes for me to figure it out. He just is so perfect and the opposite of what I experienced in childhood with my parents." 

    Even if you never dreamed of prince charming coming to your rescue, relationships with securely attached individuals can have the same effects as Prince Charming, by increasing the security in our attachment experiences. These relationships can be with both romantic partners and friends. Rose’s relationship with Aaron shows how powerful human connection is and the growth we can experience within a healthy and secure relationship. I have learned that maybe it is worth pursuing a romantic partner that is different than what I would have expected. After all, opposites may attract. 

¹Chappell, K. D., & Davies, K. E. (1998). Attachment, partner choice, and perception of romantic partners: An experimental test of the attachment‐security hypothesis. Personal Relationships,5, 327-342. doi:10.1111/j.1475-6811.1998.tb00175.x