Is Divorce Inevitable?

We have all heard the statistic—“nearly fifty percent of marriages end in divorce,” (Raley & Sweeney, 2020). While recent research shows that this is slowly going down, it is still appalling to those of us who have always felt called to marriage.  Divorce is a devastating thing, and it hurts everyone involved. If you or someone you know has experienced the effects of parental divorce, my heart goes out to you.  Truly this must be one of the most difficult things that a person—especially a child—can go through in their lifetime.

The impact of such an event in a person’s life is nearly always monumental.  It affects so many different areas, but the one that often gets the most attention is how it affects a person’s romantic relationships and their attachment style later in life. There are several existing hypotheses that suggest a child of parental divorce is far less likely to form secure attachments to their romantic partners. However, I have found this claim to be based more on anecdotal evidence than on actual scientific discovery. 

In a study by Fraley and Heffernan (2013), results suggested that parental divorce may have “selective effects” on attachment-building, but that it is more likely for this to manifest in insecure representations of one of their parents rather than in their romantic relationships; their mistrust could for one of their parents rather than their romantic partner. I discussed this topic with my future mother-in-law whose parents divorced while she was in junior high.   

“While I was a child, I had a very skewed view of marriage. I basically developed a bad taste in my mouth for men in general.... It was very challenging emotionally. I lived with my mom for most of it, then went through a rebellious phase where I didn’t want to live with her so moved in with my dad, but that only lasted a few months… he was hardly ever around.”

        

         One of the factors that Fraley and Heffernan (2013) suggest to be the most influential is whether children end up living with their father or mother after the divorce.  If the child stays with the mother, insecure representations of men and fathers often form; on the other hand, if the child stays with the father, the same typically happens for women and mothers (Fraley & Heffernan, 2013).  My (soon-to-be) mother-in-law’s experience is no exception to this.

         “There were a few years where I said, ‘Naw—I’m never getting married!’…Before I met [my husband] I have to admit I went through a phase where I was always trying to find approval in men, and my relationships with them were not the healthiest.”

         By this time in her life, she might have fit the stereotype of a child of divorce inhibited from building secure romantic relationships. However, this is not how everything turned out. The results from Fraley and Heffernan’s (2013) study suggest that the “association between parental divorce and insecurity in romantic relationships is relatively small,” and that this is likely due to individual’s implementation of mechanisms to avoid their parents’ mistakes.

         “With [my husband], we never wanted to make our kids go through what we went through if possible, so my mentality shifted to trying to make our marriage the best it could be and taking that commitment to a whole other level… I treat it as a gift—as something that I want to bring glory to God, that others might see and desire to have.”

         She and her husband—both children of divorce—have been happily married for nearly thirty years now.

Clearly, experiencing divorce as a child does not determine the fate of a person’s marriage, but then what is the key to ensuring your marriage doesn’t end up as your parents’ did? My belief is that it’s learning: learning from couples who show you a strong and healthy relationship and learning how to save the good parts of your parents’ relationship while learning how to avoid the areas that were weaker.  Or perhaps you grew up with amazing family relationships and your parents were always together? Then maybe it’s about learning from their strengths and how they embraced the joys and challenges of marriage; always remembering to never take for granted the example that they gave you. The success of our relationships is not bound by the fate of our parents’, but rather the effort that we put into them.  Marriage takes hard work; it requires for you to wake up each day ready to sacrifice for your spouse and choose to love them—in sickness and in health.

References:

Fraley, R. C., & Heffernan, M. E. (2013). Attachment and Parental Divorce: A Test of the     Diffusion and Sensitive Period Hypotheses. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin,    39(9), 1199–1213. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167213491503

Raley, R. K. & Sweeney, M. M. (2020). Divorce, repartnering, and stepfamilies: A decade in          review. Journal of Marriage and Family, 82(1), 81-99. https:doi- org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/jomf.12651

Jealous Much?

When I find myself stumbling into a new relationship, or even in the not-so-long-long-term relationships I’ve had, I realize that it is so easy for me to become jealous. I also find that it is usually pretty easy to make my partners jealous when I feel like I am not getting the attention I deserve (this is probably very unhealthy, so please don’t follow my lead). I tell myself over and over to not be jealous, but it always seems to be something that as hard as I try, I can’t seem to block that emotion out. I’ve always thought a reasonable amount of jealousy is healthy, because then the person I am with knows I care about them—and vise versa. But, why do some people get more jealous than others? What is the reason behind it?

I thought it would be interesting to see if certain attachment styles were associated with different levels of jealousy. As discussed in previous posts, there are three main types of attachment: secure, insecure-avoidant, and insecure-ambivalent. Jealousy is a normal human emotion that everyone typically experiences. However, securely attached people tend to report that it does not get in the way of their everyday lives with their partner or affect them as much as insecurely attached people (Güçlü et.al, 2017). I personally find comfort in knowing that feeling jealous with a partner is normal and even people who are secure in their relationships experience jealousy.

Research shows that different attachment styles show jealousy in relationships in different ways. Although insecure-avoidant people tend to come across as uncaring, or indifferent about relationships, they also experience jealousy. Research shows that typically when an insecure-avoidant person becomes jealous, they will often use coping strategies like denial to avoid jealous feelings in a relationship (Güçlü et. al, 2017). This can come across as dismissive and even heartless to a partner. Insecure-anxious people on the other hand deal with jealousy in a more aggressive way. Insecure-anxious people tend to express jealousy with things like anger, intrusiveness, and control over partner’s behaviors (Güçlü et. al, 2017). This can push a partner away and damage trust between a couple.

I asked one of my friends who identifies as having an insecure-anxious type of attachment if there were any times that she let her jealousy get the best of her and this is how she responded:

            “When I was in early college, I was really jealous of a girl who was friends with my then-boyfriend. I would always ask him about her and get angry and tell him I didn’t believe him when he told me she was just a friend. I would always get into my own head and I would stalk them both on social media searching for something that really, I was just making up in my head. My jealousy (along with many other factors and toxic things in our relationship) ultimately led to our relationship ending.”

Although this may sound extreme to some people and it may be hard for us to understand how someone could become so jealous, knowing that certain attachment styles may lead us to act in certain ways when we are jealous can offer some comfort.

So, what should we do when we feel that pang of jealousy? Start by normalizing your own jealousy, as well as your partner’s—recognize that this is just a part of life! Next, take a deep breath and resist the urge to attack, withdraw, or punish. Try to be open with your partner about how you’re feeling, even if it makes you feel ashamed or embarrassed. If you’re in a long-term relationship and have some doubts, ask your partner for reassurance in a calm manner, without demanding it.

Next time you find yourself responding to feelings of jealousy in ways that you feel like you normally wouldn’t, take a step back and use the time to reflect on how your attachment may influence your choices. We aren’t crazy, we’re only human.

Güçlü, O., Şenormancı, Ö., Şenormancı, G., & Köktürk, F. (2017). Gender differences in romantic jealousy and attachment styles. Psychiatry and Clinical Psychopharmacology, 27(4), 359–365. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1080/24750573.2017.1367554

Swiping Right: The Use of Dating Apps in the World Today

Today, more than ever before, almost anything we could want is at our fingertips. And potential partners are no exception. Tinder, Grindr, Bumble, and other online dating apps are becoming more popular, and perhaps you’ve even used one of these apps to meet someone. But who benefits the most from online dating apps, and what are the outcomes of using them? Should we all use our phones to find dating partners?

What kind of people use dating apps?

The reason I’ve never downloaded Tinder or another dating app is because I know I would feel extremely self-conscious about other people deciding if they liked me based on my appearance alone. I also know I have some anxious attachment tendencies, and asking someone I met online to constantly reassure me may not be the best thing for either of us. I recognize that perhaps my personality is not suited for online dating, and I think a bit of self-exploration might be helpful for anyone contemplating online dating apps. My close friend told me about why she has personally enjoyed in-person interactions more:

“... there is already an expectation when you meet someone who is using a dating app, whereas the suspense of not knowing if another person reciprocates feelings is more exciting for me”.

But, some people have no qualms about online dating, and may not be bothered by interactions that can sometimes feel a tad shallow; they may even be looking for the simplicity of casual, appearance-based relationships. One study found that people who are high in relationship anxiety and low in sexual permissiveness (ie, how open they are to having sex with others) were less likely to use dating apps (Sumter & Vandenbosch, 2019). The authors also point out that someone’s identity and motivations will contribute to their use of dating apps. If someone expects to have low commitment in their experiences and wants to only meet up with others who find them mutually attractive, they will probably find a lot more success! Having realistic expectations about the results of dating apps, just like in any other aspect of life, will be beneficial for us.

What are the outcomes of using dating apps?

Rosenfield (2018) ultimately found that online dating apps were only having a modest effect on their users’ lives, contrary to many researchers who claim shallow and unstable relationships form through online dating. It turns out that there are two sides to every story, and there are some positive outcomes as well. Good news: people who start dating through online apps are no more likely to break up than people who meet in person! (Rosenfield, 2018). Couples are actually likely to get married faster if they started their relationship using dating apps. This is likely because people have a greater selection online than in person, and are possibly better matched. My close friend agrees:

“Dating apps provide an unprecedented reach to other individuals who are searching for a partner which is a major difference between finding a date in person versus dating apps”.
So if you turn forty someday and are unmarried but desperately want to be, there may be some forty-somethings out there online who are perfect for you!

At the end of the day, it seems to me that the success or end result of any dating interaction, online or in person, is up to us. My close friend points out that,

“People are judged on their appearance and snippets of their personality in a couple pictures and sentences...However, that being said, many in-person interactions are shallow as well. We can judge others in person with those same principles”.

It’s up to us to decide what kind of interactions we want, and to be honest with ourselves and with the people we date!


Sources

Rosenfeld, M. (2018). Are Tinder and dating apps changing dating and mating in the USA? In J. Van
Hook, S. M. McHale, & V. King (Eds.), Families and technology. (Vol. 9, pp. 103–117). Springer Nature Switzerland AG. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1007/978-3-319-95540-7_6

Sumter, S. R., & Vandenbosch, L. (2019). Dating gone mobile: Demographic and personality-based
correlates of using smartphone-based dating applications among emerging adults. New Media & Society, 21(3), 655–673. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1177/1461444818804773