Social Media Use

Social media has become a daily part of life for many of us within the United States, and because of the increased use, much research has been done into the effects of social media on our mental and emotional wellbeing. However, did you know that our attachment style also plays a role in how we use social media, and how we present ourselves online?2 Lower relationship satisfaction, which is more common among those of us with insecure attachment, is also likely to lead to social media addiction, demonstrating once again the vast influence of our attachment style on the way we lead our daily lives.1

It is important at this point to remember that we all have the power to change our attachment style and work toward a secure attachment. Those of us that are insecurely attached do not have to be confined to our insecure attachment style for life, and acknowledging our patterns allows us to make conscious changes. 

With that said, there are some interesting patterns exhibited by individuals with different attachment styles on social media. Those of us that are insecurely attached are more likely to emphasize certain aspects of our personality online, while downplaying others, and we are more likely to show a different side of ourselves in person versus online. Whereas, those of us that are securely attached are more likely to present the same face both online and in person.2 

Those of us that are avoidantly attached are more likely to enjoy blogging and using social media because it gives us the freedom to engage as much as we like and withdraw for a few days, or shut down the interaction entirely, if we begin to feel overly vulnerable.2

Those of us that are anxiously attached are three times more likely than securely attached individuals to reveal more personal information during online interactions.2 It is thought that those of us that are insecurely attached feel more comfortable being vulnerable online about the traits that we perceive to be “less desirable,” whereas we tend to hide these traits during in-person interactions.2  Interestingly, compared with those of us who have secure attachment styles, insecurely attached individuals are much more likely to believe that the people they interact with online would describe them negatively, and they are more likely to believe that the people who know them in-person would have positive opinions of them.1 This might be because those of us with insecure attachment are more open online about the aspects of our personality that we perceive to be less desirable, causing us to believe that the individuals who know the aspects of our personalities that we are insecure about will be more likely to describe us negatively.2

Those of us that are insecurely attached are also more likely to turn to social media for support, rather than our romantic partners. Those of us that are securely attached are comfortable relying primarily on our partners, but individuals that are insecurely attached are more likely to compensate for emotional and social support through social media use.1 I asked one friend about her patterns of social media use in her relationship, and she described some very healthy, secure attachment behaviors for her use of social media sites:

“[I] try not to make it seem like my life is all peaches and cream. However, I do not get on social media to complain and search for compliments and reassurance [about my relationship].”

Being aware of our patterns of social media use allows us to ensure that we are engaging in healthy patterns, and this allows us to consider what changes we might need to make while working toward practicing more secure attachment behaviors. Research on social media use and relationship satisfaction is also important to consider, and it is beneficial to be able to recognize when we are turning to social media for support rather than our partners. All of this can help us to work toward healthier attachment behaviors, more positive social media use, and can help us to build a stronger relationship.

1Jenkins-Guarnieri, M. A., Wright, S. L., & Johnson, B. D. (2013). The interrelationships among attachment style, personality traits, interpersonal competency, and Facebook use. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 2(2), 117–131. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1037/a0030946

2Trub, L. (2017). A portrait of the self in the digital age: Attachment, splitting, and self-concealment in online and offline self-presentation. Psychoanalytic Psychology, 34(1), 78–86. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1037/pap0000123

Stress Levels During Conflict

We know from prior blog posts that individuals with a secure attachment style have more positive relationship tendencies and handle conflict better, but did you know that those of us with insecure attachment styles actually experience a more significant stress response when discussing conflict with our partners?1 The quality of a relationship influences our physical health in addition to our mental and emotional wellbeing.1 The significance is so strong that people in healthy marriages with secure attachment have better physical and emotional health, and even experience fewer declines as they age.1 

This may sound like bad news for those of us that are insecurely attached, but we have to remember that it is possible to earn secure attachment and change our attachment style. There really is hope, just because we are insecurely attached at one point in our lives does not mean that we are doomed to remain that way! 

Most of us experience an increase in the level of cortisol—or stress hormone—in our blood stream when we get into conflict with our partners. It is normal to feel higher levels of stress or concern while fighting with someone important to us. However, those of us with insecure attachment styles experience significantly higher levels of cortisol compared to those of us that are securely attached, which is important to note because prolonged exposure to high levels of cortisol can have negative effects on our physiological health and wellbeing.1

Those of us that are securely attached experience a less significant spike in our cortisol levels during conflict, and our cortisol levels return to normal much faster following a fight with our partner. These individuals are also better able to soothe their partner and solve conflict.1 This is consistent with the better emotional regulation and higher levels of partner support that are seen among those of us that are securely attached, and it provides a healthy goal for us all to work toward.

Those of us that are anxiously attached tend to experience relationship conflict as being more distressing than those of us that are avoidantly or securely attached. Male partners that are anxiously attached experience significantly higher levels of cortisol during and following fights with their partners, when compared to males with any other type of attachment.1 

The most significant stress response in women is seen among those with male partners that are avoidantly attached.1 This phenomenon in women is unique to most other attachment findings, as our partner’s attachment style can play a larger role in our stress response than our own attachment style does.1 This also indicates that women are generally more closely attuned to their partner’s emotions and behaviors than men.1 

Differences in gender aside, those of us that are anxiously attached still tend to have the most significant stress response, with avoidantly attached individuals following closely behind.1 This is all important to know because it can offer an explanation for our response to conflict, and it can also help us to better empathize with our partners while experiencing conflict.1 For those of us with partners that are insecurely attached, it is important to be responsive, gentle, loving, and patient with our partners, even during conflict. This can be challenging, but it is a good goal to work toward, and it can help to build secure attachment, which fosters the healthiest relationships, and can even improve one’s physical health.1

I asked one friend in a long-term committed relationship about any changes that she has noticed in her stress levels when she and her partner get into conflict now compared to when they first started dating and she recounted her experiences:

“In the 2.5 years we've been together, I have noticed us both becoming more comfortable with conflict, being able to talk about things without yelling or getting easily offended… with each fight, each opportunity to learn, and the more time we have together, the anxiety surrounding disagreements and fights and conflict does go down and makes our relationship stronger and the communication better.”

This friend is now securely attached, but recalls demonstrating anxiously-attached behaviors at the beginning of the relationship, providing a success story that proves that it is possible to change one’s attachment style and earn secure attachment. 

The most important thing to remember in all of this is that you have the power to change your attachment style. Just because you are insecurely attached now does not mean that you will be this way for the rest of your life, and merely being aware of one’s tendencies allows us to work toward a more secure attachment style. It is important to be patient with yourself and with your partner as you work toward secure attachment behaviors, as these changes do not occur overnight, and it can take a lot of hard work to get there. But, with a little elbow-grease and a lot of love, we can all earn secure attachment.

1Brooks, K. P., Robles, T. F., & Schetter, C. D. (2011). Adult attachment and cortisol responses to discussions with a romantic partner. Personal Relationships, 18(2), 302–320. https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/j.1475 6811.2011.01357.x

Attracting a Partner

We have talked at length on this blog about how having a secure attachment style makes it easier to facilitate a healthy romantic relationship, but being securely attached also helps us to attract potential partners.1 It’s no secret that the majority of us are drawn to individuals who we perceive to be emotionally healthy. When we imagine a partner that we would like to end up with, most of us would describe them as having qualities such as being reliable, warm, trusting, and secure, which are all characteristics of those with a secure attachment style.1 But, as we know, many of us are not securely attached, and those of us with insecure attachment styles are still able to attract partners. This raises the question, what qualities allow insecurely attached individuals to attract partners?

It turns out that individuals who are insecurely attached possess many traits that are seen as desirable, despite our less optimal attachment style. Individuals that are anxiously attached are often initially perceived as being more caring, interested, and attentive to potential partners than individuals with different attachment styles, which can be extremely appealing.1 These individuals are also more likely to disclose personal information, which can make them come across as more communicative than those who are securely attached. 

Avoidantly-attached individuals are often appealing because they are seen as highly self-sufficient and independent, which are personality traits that are highly desirable in Western culture.1 Those of us who are avoidantly attached also tend to focus on the positive while minimizing unpleasantness during interactions, and we often use humor to keep interactions upbeat. These traits cause avoidantly attached individuals to be perceived as easy-going, upbeat, and low-maintenance. All of these qualities can be seen as desirable and help to attract potential partners. 

These behaviors are often played up by those of us with insecure attachment styles. I know that when I first start out in relationships, I will often attempt to appear more aloof and independent so that I don’t come across as “clingy,” which means not texting as often as I might want to, and deliberately allowing my partner to be the first to initiate contact. However, I have often found myself wanting to initiate contact, despite choosing not to, thus playing up my avoidant attachment style. 

I asked one friend that is anxiously attached about her experiences early on in the dating process, and she reflected on her experiences:

“I definitely come off a little strong at first, I really like to open up and learn as much as I can about my partner at the beginning of relationships. Most guys I have been with have liked how attentive I am, but sometimes I do have to dial it back a bit.”

Being aware of these trends in behavior allows us to become more self-aware and mindful of whether we are engaging in insecure attachment behaviors, or false self-presentation, and it also allows us to be more aware of these behaviors in others.1 Everyone engages in false self-presentation to a degree when attempting to attract a new partner, but there are times where it can be damaging to the relationship at a later date. If an individual pretends to be a completely different person than they truly are to attract a partner, conflict is bound to happen down the line when this false self-presentation is revealed. 

However, this is nothing to be afraid of, as we are not confined to one attachment style for life. Just because we might present with these insecure attachment behaviors does not mean that we are doomed. We have the ability to develop a secure attachment style, and being aware of our behaviors is the first step toward establishing healthier patterns.

1 Brumbaugh, C. C., & Fraley, R. C. (2010). Adult attachment and dating strategies: How do insecure people attract mates? Personal Relationships, 17(4), 599–614. 

https://doi-org.ezproxy2.library.colostate.edu/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2010.01304.x