Green with Envy or Red with Abuse?

Green with Envy or Red with Abuse?

Ah, the big green monster, the emotion you probably hate to openly express the the most. Jealousy is an unfortunately large part of human nature, especially in romantic relationships. Some people are naturally less jealous than others. Chances are, however, you have felt the uncomfortable itch of jealousy before. Although jealousy is a normal human emotion, it can cause a lot of issues in romantic relationships. Some people view jealousy as flattering and a sign that their significant other truly loves them. Particularly, those of us with more insecure or anxious attachment styles tend to be more jealous than those with a secure attachment.¹ However, sometimes, perceived jealousy can actually be signs of emotional abuse. Regardless of whether you are a particularly jealous person or not, it’s important to recognize unhealthy jealous behaviors in yourself and in your partner.1

Especially in a college setting, it seems that jealousy is a major topic of relationship strife. Feeling like your significant other is giving more time, attention, or affection to someone else can be difficult to handle. On the other hand, having a jealous significant other when you’re not particularly jealous can be difficult, as well. Many couples struggle with this disconnect. An individual I talked to explained her struggle with jealousy

“I tend to be a very jealous person. My boyfriend is good friends with his ex girlfriend. With my jealous nature, this was extremely difficult for me to get over at first. I would be tempted to monitor their infrequent text messages and snoop. It created a lot of conflict between us because he felt insulted that I didn’t trust him. I’ve gotten better, but I still notice it now and again.”

I think the majority of us can relate to her experience to some degree. However, researchers indicate that certain patterns of jealous behavior can indicate abuse. Research conducted on 160 men and their partners indicated that jealousy often positively correlated with abusive behavior.¹ However, the researchers did not refer to natural jealousy as abusive behavior. Researchers indicated that jealousy became abusive and problematic when the jealous partner created unwarranted jealous conflict.¹  In a relationship, that might look like a partner becoming confrontative and jealous about an interaction with a peer or coworker as being “flirtatious,” when it is simply cordial and harmless. A family member that I interviewed explained her experience with a partner whose jealousy became abusive:


“My ex boyfriend used to workout at the gym I worked at. When I would be friendly and
kind to male members, he would accuse me of flirting with them. It was to the point where if I greeted a guy at the front desk, I was trying to get his number. Then, he would constantly come into workout during my shifts, and he would wait in the parking lot until my shift was over. It wasn’t until he tried to get me to quit my job that I realized I had to dump him like a hot potato.”

Researchers would describe what my family member was experiencing as “intrusiveness.” This is when a jealous partner partakes in unwarranted following, watching, or involvement in their partner’s life outside of the relationship. Although individuals can feel compelled to do this for a variety of reasons, an insecure childhood attachment or history of trauma and abuse are some of the primary indicators of this form of abuse.

It is easy to believe that jealousy is natural and sometimes even a sign of affection. However, certain levels and forms of jealous are unhealthy. Whether you notice these behaviors in you or your partner, it is important to recognize the warning signs of abusive jealousy. Do you notice yourself or your partner creating unwarranted conflict in response to fear or mistrust? Do you notice yourself or your partner excessively monitoring one another? These can be signs of abusive jealousy. If you notice these signs in a relationship, it is important to remove yourself from the abusive pattern, and seek support. Jealousy is a natural part of human relationships, but remember, jealousy does not equal love.

¹Attridge, M. (2013). Jealousy and relationship closeness: Exploring the good (reactive) and bad (suspicious) sides of romantic jealousy. SAGE open, 3(1), 2158244013476054.
²Dutton, D. G., Van Ginkel, C., & Landolt, M. A. (1996). Jealousy, intimate abusiveness, and intrusiveness. Journal of Family Violence, 11(4), 411-423.

Should my Ex be my Enemy?

Should my Ex be my Enemy?

A primary area of debate in the topic of relationships is whether we should be friends with our ex. Perhaps the most dreaded sentiment of a breakup: “We can still be friends.” Some of us would say they would rather be hit by a truck than be friends with our ex. Others of us may maintain strong friendships with several of our past love interests. On the other hand, a good majority of us struggle with the choice to cut all ties with our ex or maintain a casual friendship. A pervasive idea portrayed in modern society is that “there’s no such thing as being just friends with an ex.” 

Especially in college, maintaining friendship with an ex is a choice many of us are faced with. Generally, individuals have mutual friend groups, interests, and activities that might include a past romantic partner. In some cases, maintaining a friendship with this person may create a less awkward and stressful dynamic in social situations. On the other hand, being friends with an ex can reignite potent emotions and create unnecessary turmoil. I talked to some people on both ends of the spectrum. One of my friends mentioned:

“I dated my ex girlfriend for about a year and a half. We had a pretty cordial breakup,
and we’re still friends. It makes it a lot easier to hang out with our friend group when I
don’t have to worry about the awkwardness or tension. For me, I think it creates less
drama than trying to completely avoid each other.”

A research study conducted on 186 college students’ current relationship with their former partner would argue that my friend’s experience is reflective of their findings.1 The results of the study found that individuals who received more positive resources from the friendship with their ex had higher friendship quality than those who received less resources from maintaining a friendship with their ex.1 Essentially, individuals who received things such as love, status, services, or convenience from the friendship likely had higher friendship quality. In this case, my friend maintains emotional and social benefits by remaining friends with his ex. In turn, the friendship quality is also higher.

On the other hand, one of the people I interviewed explained that she maintains no friendships with any of her ex partners, and she is perfectly happy with that. The same study of college students discussed above also indicated that many individuals have high satisfaction despite low frequency of resources and low friendship quality from an ex. As research describes, individuals, like my friend, can be completely content with the dissolution of a friendship with their past partner if their expectations and circumstances related to the relationship align.

One of the most problematic aspects of remaining friends with an ex can be the disapproval of friends and family. I can say from experience, that many of my friendships with my ex partners have been difficult because my friends and family did not approve. Researchers indicate that barriers such as disapproval by a social support system can contribute to an inability to maintain a stable friendship with a past partner. Another example of a barrier is having a new partner. Many individuals find that they are unable to maintain their friendship with their ex once they begin a new relationship.²

So is it wrong to not want to come near your ex with a ten foot pole? Not necessarily. Is it a death sentence to try to keep that snapchat streak with the person you casually dated for a few months? I would say no. The most important thing to consider when deciding to stay friends with an ex is what the friendship would positively contribute to both of your lives, and whether you would be satisfied. When you begin to think the negatives may outweigh the positives, it may be helpful to let the relationship go to experience new opportunities.


¹Busboom, A. L., Collins, D. M., Givertz, M. D., & Levin, L. A. (2002). Can we still be friends? Resources and barriers to friendship quality after romantic relationship dissolution. Personal Relationships, 9(2), 215-223.
²Villella, S. (2010). Broken up but not broken: Satisfaction, adjustment, and communication in post-dissolutional relationships. Communication and Theater Association of Minnesota Journal, 37(1), 3.

"She's Got Daddy Issues"

“She’s got Daddy Issues”

Thanks to our dear old friend, Sigmund Freud, who coined the term ‘father complex,’ the concept of daddy issues has been a focus of love life turmoil for decades. Daddy issues are essentially obstacles many of us face in forming and maintaining relationships due to emotional repercussions of an absent or turbulent childhood relationship with our father. We’ve all probably heard this plenty of times. “I swear she only dates men at least five years older than her. Talk about daddy issues.” Men are often accused of having daddy issues, as well. “He wouldn’t know commitment if it slapped him in the face. He must have some serious daddy issues!”

Chances are, whether it’s been you, a friend, or a family member; you have known someone who appears to have the infamous plague of ‘daddy issues.’ Although daddy issues are primarily used to describe female struggles with healthy relationship formation, self-esteem, and sexuality, this is a problem that can affect absolutely anyone. Typically, daddy issues manifest in men’s lives through struggles with commitment, affection, or respect in relationships. People experience these obstacles in a variety of ways, and not one individual is affected exactly the same as the next. Some experts would argue, that we all actually have our own level of daddy issues to a certain degree¹

Daddy issues can be a particularly sensitive topic for many people, specifically because it often addresses painful or uncomfortable experiences from the past. From an attachment perspective, daddy issues are disruptions in attachment carrying on into our romantic relationships.1 Although reflecting on potential daddy issues is difficult, many people often find relief from recognizing and addressing the way their relationships with father figures contributed to their relationship formations in adolescence and adulthood. A friend I talked to explained her experience with her own perceived struggle with daddy issues.

“I never realized how much my dad’s alcoholism and inconsistency in my life impacted me until I noticed what kind of boys I tend to date. Boys who are emotionally unavailable for some reason seem to be the ones I chase after most. I also looked for self validation from boys a lot in high school, and I would let them take advantage of me. It sounds super cliche’, but now that I’m older and can recognize it, I try to remember that I deserve better.”

From an attachment perspective, I would guess my friend’s father had an avoidant attachment with her. I have also had my own experience with avoidant fathers and daddy issues. Between an alcoholic father who died when I was nine, to an unaffectionate and uninvolved stepfather, I noticed my own fair share of relationship issues. Low self-esteem, a tendency toward toxic relationships, and an undying desire to feel wanted were just a few of the clues I began to notice in high school which led me to believe I had some serious daddy issues.

My friend and I are certainly not alone in our experience. A research study conducted on fatherless women’s communication in romantic relationships revealed that women with inconsistent and absent fathers were more likely to stay in dysfunctional relationships.²The study also revealed that many women would partake in self-silencing if they felt threat of their significant other leaving the relationship.² Similar studies conducted on adolescent sexuality revealed that adolescents with absent or inconsistent father-figures in childhood were likely to exhibit higher sexual promiscuity such as earlier onset of sexual activity, more sexual partners, and more risky sexual behaviors.1

Although this research may seem disheartening, a poor childhood experience is not a lifetime sentence to dysfunctional relationships. Human development research has indicated that childhood experiences and relationships greatly impact adult relationship experiences. However, research has also exhibited the power of individual resilience and protective factors.³ So what can someone do if they think they might be experiencing daddy issues? The best thing to do is recognize and reflect on how your past may be impacting your present relationships. If you have a history of dysfunctional male figures in your life, look to positive male role models and functional relationships to guide you. Therapy can also be a great option to understand unaddressed attachment issues. If it is possible to repair or strengthen your relationship with fathers or stepfathers, doing so might help. Don’t be afraid to talk to your partner about how your past has affected your emotions and communication. Yes, daddy issues are real, but they certainly don’t have to define your future relationships.

¹Bowling, S. W., & Werner-Wilson, R. J. (2000). Father-daughter relationships and adolescent female sexuality: Paternal qualities associated with responsible sexual behavior. Journal of HIV/AIDS prevention & education for adolescents & children, 3(4), 5-28.
²Jackson, L. M. (2010). Where's my daddy? Effects of fatherlessness on women's relational communication.
³Werner, E. E. (2000). Protective factors and individual resilience. Handbook of early childhood intervention, 2, 115-132.