Until Death Do You Part

If you’re someone lucky enough to have snatched up a significant other who seems to complete you in every way, congratulations! What a gift and joy embarking in a serious relationship can be, if you play your cards right. But anyone who’s been in a committed partnership for an extensive period of time knows that making it last is no walk in the park. Marriage is hard work, and if you’re anything like my parents, you won’t always like your spouse… but hopefully you’ll always love them, until death do you part.

How do you get there? How do you maintain the love and commitment that is necessary to carry two broken people through the most difficult realities of partnership, all while keeping “the spark” alive? And what role does your attachment style play in the creation and sustaining of an unbreakable connection?

While I am personally lacking in commitment experience, I have an array of wise voices in my world who offer great nuggets of wisdom when it comes to being “in it for the long haul.” I interviewed six people in committed romantic relationships; two have been married for 26 years, one has been married for 13 years, one got married a year ago, and two are engaged to be married (to different people). I talked to each of my participants separately, to eliminate answers being swayed. I hope their responses to questions of intimacy in a committed relationship shed some light on the reality of what it takes to make this thing, called love, last.

If you could give a new couple one piece of advice to create an intimate bond, what would you say?

Engaged: Rely on a shared belief that both of you have. Be willing to be open and vulnerable in the hard parts, don’t fake it.
26 years married: Share your fears. It creates vulnerability.
13 years married: Be quick to forgive.
Engaged: Do fun things that both of you like to do.

26 years married: Serve your mate. Don’t’ be selfish, serve no matter what.
One year married: Quality time together with no cell phones or distractions, not even movies or TV

What are the quintessential factors to maintaining a healthy, close relationship?

Engaged: Honesty, forgiveness for both yourself and your partner, willingness to admit your own short-comings and actually do something about them/grow from mistakes.
13 years married: Forgiveness, actual unconditional love, selfless desire to please the other person.
26 years married: Don’t forget to date! Even after 26 years. Communication; Don’t hold things in. Discuss in a timely manner. Find common interests and do them together. Give each other a healthy space.
Engaged: Communication, trust and reliability.
One year married: The ability to work through conflict in a healthy way with good communication.
26 years married: Time and proximity on a regular basis plus communication. Men, listen!

When did you know that your partner was the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?

26 years married: As we became friends, I knew she was the one I wanted to share my life with.
Engaged: Over time. After we decided to choose each other, even after we had hurt each other.
13 years married: We were doing long distance for a summer, and then I got off the phone with her and realized I couldn’t live the rest of my life without her.
One year married: Not sure exactly when—maybe one time when we danced on the beach at sunset.
26 years married: After a couple months of dating.
Engaged: You just kind of know.

How have you and your partner overcome difficulties in your relationship?

26 years married: Lots and lots of forgiveness, with a huge dose of me changing and growing.
Engaged: Having people in our lives that are willing to keep us accountable and be honest/call us out. Actually addressing things instead of just hoping they’ll get better.
13 years married: Quality and quantity communication.
26 years married: Humility. Ask for forgiveness. Talk! Talk! Talk! Focus on the good aspects. Listen to other friends bitch about their lousy husbands and realize just how good you have it!
Engaged: Talking it out and seeking counsel from a wise couple that both of you trust.
One year married: By being available to each other and cancelling other plans when needed to communicate and have needed quality time.

Can you share three words that come to mind when you think of the word “commitment”?  

Engaged: Lasting, trust, intimacy
One year married: Steadfast, resilience, unwavering
26 years married: Work, satisfaction, intentional
Engaged: Choice, long-term, selfless
26 years married: Long-term, bond, covenant
13 years married: Unconditional, predetermined, effort

I don’t know about you, but reading through these replies inspires and encourages me to begin to think about ways in which I can ensure intimacy and closeness in a future committed relationship. There seems to be a theme amid each of my interviewees’ thoughts and reflections: one of putting your partner first, being willing to work for the relationship, and a lot of communication.

While there are some fantastic, practical tips for creating committed intimacy represented above, there is one other monumental factor that needs to be considered in the maintenance of a lasting partnership. This factor has been forming and evolving since you were born, and many family study theorists argue that it is the foundation on which all relationship success is built. I am referring to none other than your attachment style. Let’s hop onto the attachment “train” for a second: research reveals that greater intimacy is more likely to be felt by secure people than either anxious or avoidant people¹.

“Secure people had more optimistic beliefs about romantic love than their anxious or avoidant counterparts. Secure people were more likely to believe in the existence of romantic love, the possibility of maintaining intense love over a long period, and the possibility of finding a partner one could really fall in love with”¹

A large body of evidence also concludes that insecurely attached individuals showcase lower relational commitment, and are less likely to engage in relationship maintenance efforts, make sacrifices for the relationship, and employ healthy communication habits. Insecure partners also engage in more frequent and severe relationship conflict and have a harder time expressing respect, admiration, and gratitude toward their mate¹.

Now, maybe you’re rolling your eyes, because you’re sick and tired of hearing about attachment styles and it all seems slightly overwhelming; perhaps you don’t actually have a clue where you stand on the secureàanxiousàavoidant spectrum. Have no fear. Below are a few resources to delve into your personal attachment style, as well as how you relate to a romantic partner. You may find it is beneficial to have your partner complete these assessments as well:

1. Attachment Styles and Close Relationships: http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl
2. Experiences in Close Relationship Scale- Short Form (ECR-S): http://wei.public.iastate.edu/manuscript/ECR-S.pdf
3. Relationship Attachment Style Test: http://testyourself.psychtests.com/testid/2859

Hopefully the combination of my interviewees’ advice and the invitation to navigate your attachment style more intentionally will prolong the life of your romantic relationship… maybe even “until death do you part.” I’m confident that fighting for a more intimate commitment and secure attachment with your partner will not only greatly aid in your happiness, it will be just what the doctor ordered for your lovesick diagnosis.

From the Honeymoon Phase to Commitment: Embracing your Journey

           So you’ve gone through your season of singleness, you’ve found someone you’re really excited about and you’re nervous about what happens next. You’ve been through that “butterflies in your stomach” phase and you always have them on your mind or want to spend every second with them. You’ve spent a good amount of time together and you are feeling really hopeful about how compatible you are. Now you’re asking yourself the big question: Am I really ready to commit to this person and take the next step in our relationship?

            That can be a scary stage to be in, because that’s a big question! It’s okay to feel scared, but I want you to know that this is a completely normal stage to be in. In fact, you are on your way to the clear-cut attachment phase of your relationship¹. This stage means you passed the infatuated pre-attachment phase, you’re on the tail end of the attachment-in-the-making phase where you began to lean on your partner more and your relationship is becoming a bigger part of your daily life¹. You’ve gone through some good and not so good times together as a team^, and now it’s time to go from the honeymoon phase to a very real, committed relationship. Even if the person you are with is ideal, that doesn’t mean this transition isn’t a little scary. There are a lot of changes that happen in that transition, and it’s easy to long for the overly romantic honeymoon phase. So, to try and ease some of your worries about taking that next step, I asked some of my family and closest friends (dating, engaged and married), both gay and straight, about their process of transitioning from the passionate honeymoon phase to the more committed phase of their relationship. I hope hearing about their stories helps you to embrace yours!

How long into your relationship did the ”honeymoon phase” end? What changed in how you interacted with your partner after this change occurred?

· “It was about 6 months into the relationship. We were less patient with each other and we got pickier…our communication wasn’t as good as it should have been. Overall, it was harder to please each other. But it got better 6 months after that. We had to get our feet on the ground again and realize we aren’t perfect and fighting is ok.”

·“He has never been much of a romantic so there was no baskets of roses and hot bubble baths for me...and I think because we were best friends before we got into a relationship there wasn't much of a "honeymoon phase" ... there was a little bit of parading each other around in our new found relationship but it didn't last long.”

·“Around 2 years into our relationship. We had a long honeymoon phase! But we would have more fights, only on occasion. The newness and discovery of the relationship started to wear off, and it started to feel much more real. But we felt closer as partners transitioning out of the honeymoon phase.” 

How did you decide your partner was worth committing to for the long term?

 ·“Because we realized that even though we fought, she was my best friend and it wouldn’t matter what we fought about because at the end of the day I was always happy with her and I know I wanted to be with her forever. She was worth pushing through all the hard stuff. “

 · “Even though we transferred out of the honeymoon phase, it still felt exciting. It’s not like we ever sat and talked it through, that transition just happened naturally. As you move along, you don’t find any deal-breakers. It’s easy to feel like someone is perfect, but after the honeymoon phase if you still see perfection in them, then that’s a good sign. It’s not like there was a certain point where I said ‘I’m committed to this person’, it just happened because nothing came up to take our optimism away.“

 ·“When I met him I knew in the back of my mind we would be in each other's lives for a long time in some form.... we also had a pretty serious fight and after it was over I decided I had worked too hard to let him go. It was kind of one of those where we knew too much about each other to let each other go.”

Did this change from passion to security also lead to changes in your relationships with other people?

·“Yes! Definitely. You don’t have as much time for friends. Friends drift away. You don’t do the same things with them anymore, especially when your friends are single. The same activities aren’t going to be as fun once you become a couple as they were when you were single. When you commit to this relationship, you lose touch with your single friends and start focusing your energy on this relationship.”

 ·“I feel like during the honeymoon phase I only spent time with her, but as we came out of that phase I realized how important balancing time with friends was. I needed more time with my friends to help me transition with my girlfriend into this phase more smoothly. “

 ·“To some extent they did change ... we had our core friend group which we are still friends with all but one of them today. Also my two best friends are both married so we kind of started doing the couples thing more often so the group of single friends just slowly disappeared.”

What’s some advice you have for people adjusting out of the “honeymoon phase” of their relationship?

·“Biggest advice I would have is to make sure they are your best friend ... and not like high school besties ... like truly the first person you think about when you wake up. The one you feel your most confident around and the one that empowers and embraces the true you.”

 ·“Be patient! Communicate about everything. Don’t assume they know how you feel or how they feel. If you aren’t willing to discuss things, it won’t work. But if you are willing to talk about things, that passion will come back in a new, better way.”

 ·“If you have to ask yourself, then you aren’t ready to commit to this person. If it’s the right person, then that transition will come naturally."

Based on these interviews, there is a lot of changing that will happen when you decide to commit to your partner and enter that clear-cut attachment phase. But the beauty of it is, if it’s the right person, you are going to get through it just fine. In fact, you may learn more about the relationship and get a deeper appreciation for them during this slightly unsteady time. Use your partner for support, because they are probably nervous too. When I decided I wanted my relationship with my boyfriend to be much more than just a honeymoon phase, I was nervous, but I felt ready for any changes we would face because we would be facing them together! If you feel safe with your partner and feel like even the hard times with them are worth more than easy times with someone else, I push you to embrace this change. The honeymoon phase is fun, but once you’re ready to commit, it will be even more powerful in an entirely new way.

Enjoy your new adventure. Embrace the change. Enjoy this new part of your journey together!

Let’s Bake a Cake

“I’m a strong, independent woman, and I don’t need NO man to complete me,” I snapped sarcastically, after my dad attempted to assist me with carrying my ski equipment from the chalet to the car after a day on the slopes last week.

He chuckled heftily and warmly replied, “For now.”

Does my snarky response to my father’s offer of help sound familiar to you? Maybe when you think about being single, Beyoncé’s “Single Ladies” starts ringing in your head and you feel empowered to take on the world. It is, however, a very real possibility that when you think about being single, your mind reverts to a place of temper-tantrum or true heartache, or the typical Hollywood chick-flick scene plays itself out in your mind: one of binge-eating ice-cream, gulping cheap wine and sobbing into a pillow, “I’ll be alone forever!”

Wherever you find yourself on this spectrum, a season of singleness can be an extremely beneficial time of growth and development if you capitalize on it intentionally. While my dad and I were joking back and forth, his simple reply carries some truth, that I probably won’t be single forever. My family has often encouraged me to figure out now who I’d like to date when the time comes, so I’m not left either grasping for an unreachably high standard, or settling for someone mediocre at best. While I’ve heard the perspective that dating around is the way to figure this out, that can also be an extremely hurtful—not to mention, exhausting—method. One dating book I have on my shelf frames this as “the buffet approach,” and argues that people should not be treated like side dishes to be “sampled and discarded.” ¹

The next few paragraphs will offer some practical tips for those of us who are, indeed, single-and-ready-to-mingle, on how to determine what you should look for in your next boo, without trying everything at the buffet!

Research reveals that eventually, in a child’s transition to adolescence, we begin to intentionally seek out attachment with peers.² Whether or not this starts as a romantic endeavor, it is clear that we desire to form attachment with those in a similar stage of life development as ourselves (an unnecessarily academic way of saying: we want friends!).

Might I suggest that it could be beneficial to take a step back and observe the people in your age cohort who you have naturally gravitated toward? Chances are, you’re likely to seek out a partner who has similar interests and values as yourself. If you only hang out with friends who like to go on crazy, adrenaline-producing adventures, it might be difficult to begin dating someone whose idea of a good time is reading a book and drinking tea on Saturday night, and vice versa. 

Social Psychology reveals that shared identity is a highly important factor for effective communication.⁴ And since we know communication is a quintessential aspect of a successful relationship, we can infer that having a shared identity with your partner is equally as crucial. One way to establish a “shared identity” is through personality. You might find it helpful to first figure out your personality type, and then look for a mate who complements your disposition. Get to know yourself! Here are a few resources to get you started (just type these into your favorite search engine):

            1. Myers Briggs

            2. The Big Five

            3. True Colors Personality Assessment

            4. Enneagram

So, what if personality isn’t the only factor that matters to you in a potential partner? It’s so important to determine the traits that will “make or break” your compatibility or satisfaction in a relationship, and there’s no better time to resolve this than while you’re single!

I once heard the idea of figuring out your must-haves in a mate compared to baking a cake (and since I love all things junk-food, this analogy clicked in my head)...

1. First, establish what is in your cake batter. There are a few essential ingredients one needs in order to create something even resembling cake (egg, flour, baking soda, sugar…). What are those necessary “ingredients”—the traits or values or attributes—of a person you would consider entering into a relationship with? Take a moment and jot them down. These are your non-negotiables; without this list of must-haves, you might as well put the whisk away and turn off the oven, because your cake isn’t going to turn out. A caveat to this step in cake baking: the essentials of your future partner might look drastically different than that of your friend of the opposite sex. Current research maintains that men tend to look first for physical attractiveness, and women tend to seek out status and resources.⁵ So cut yourself some slack if the list of ingredients for your cake batter seems shallow or impersonal—you’re the one committing to eating it, “until death do you part.”

Jeremy Nicholson, Ph.D., writes this: “Decide for yourself what you really need in a partner to be happy. What are your specific criteria? How will you know when they are satisfied and met? Forget finding the best in everything...what are the essentials that you need to be content? Also, disregard what everyone else has and wants - go with your own thoughts and feelings. Make a small list of the very important, deal-breaker, must-have items. Then, only look for those!”³

I’ll be the first to dig in—my cake batter is made up of 1-cup sense of humor, 2-cups Christian faith, ½ cup height (6’1” or taller, sorry guys), 1-tablespoon sensitivity, and 1-teaspoon intelligence.

2. Next, determine your favorite kind of frosting. Cream cheese, chocolate, buttercream? Which ingredients will you need to create this? Consider jotting down a few things you’re looking for in a future mate that would be really difficult to let go of… but, if you had to, at least you’d still be eating cake! Full disclosure: my frosting ingredients are 1-cup great smile, 1-tablespoon athleticism, and 2-teaspoons good with words/expressing himself.  

3. Lastly, what are your favorite cake toppings? Make a list of the things you’d enjoy in a future partner, but could easily live without. My personal toppings include a dash of musical talent, a splash of spontaneity, and a sprinkle of money-in-the-bank.

Keep this list in mind next time you’re mingling with other singles, and limit yourself to the people you see showcasing these traits/values/characteristics.

If neither the personality tests nor the cake-baking analogy are cutting it for you, don’t sweat it. There are plenty of resources out there to assist you in the process of discovering the type of person to be looking for at the next bar or social gathering you find yourself in. I would highly encourage you to spend as much time as you need to determine what kind of person you’d like to end up with.

All in all, I hope you intentionally utilize your season of singleness. Your future self—still as strong and independent as ever—will thank you.

Love Your Season of Singleness

Sometimes, it seems like you are the only person who is single in the sea of college students.  When you are “single and ready to mingle” it seems as if no one else is ready to mingle.  What is up with that?  At times, it is a tough position to be in, and it is a hard position to ignore!  I am no stranger to this struggle, however, I would like to take some time to remind both you and myself that even though it may be hard to see at times, being single is one of the best stages in our life.  It might sound crazy, but think about it.  When you are single, you have the chance to learn about yourself.  You have the chance to strengthen your other relationships.  You have the chance to go out with your friends on weekend nights or binge eat ice cream while watching every episode of a TV show on Netflix for days at a time.  There’s really no limit, because all of the time that isn’t committed to schoolwork, work, family, or friends is committed to yourself.

Still though, I know it is hard to be single at times.  So, I took the time to interview several people on their viewpoints of the single life in order to receive some beneficial advice for myself and advice I can pass on to others.  I interviewed a married couple, an engaged couple, a dating couple, and someone who is single to get all viewpoints when answering these questions.  Their answers were fantastic!

1.  If you could go back in time, what would be the best advice you would give to your single self?

“The best advice I would give to my past self would be to not compromise who I was to try and gain the interest of someone. Pretending or trying to like something that I really was not interested in made any relationship that could have formed completely useless since it would not be authentic. A desire to be loved is no reason to change who I was.”

“The best relationships happen when they are least expected.  When you focus on enjoying life, you attract the people who feel the same way.  So instead of worrying about who to date next, or constantly calling your best friend every second because “OH MY GOD, I just saw the cutest guy”, put your energy into living your life.  Above all: date yourself.  This way, when you meet the person you are meant to be with, you’ll have so much more to offer.  Because you have such a high standard for how to treat yourself, you’ll expect no less from those around you.”

2. What are the best strategies to getting to know yourself?

“I try to always be honest and true with myself, so I guess the best way to get to know myself is to work through and understand my own emotions.  I think that is key: knowing how you feel in each situation.”

“Try different things to find out what you are good at and what you enjoy. Read books and articles to see what sparks your interests. Also, pay attention to your feelings in every experience.  This way, you will know how to recreate the positive responses and focus on changing the negative responses.”

3. When your past relationship(s) ended, what did you reflect upon and what intentional changes did you make for yourself when preparing for your next relationship?

“If someone broke up with me, I would definitely be sad, but in the end, I would be grateful that I didn’t end up with that person. I would reflect upon why the relationship didn’t work. This takes a lot of honesty. It’s not always the other person’s fault or perhaps it’s not anyone’s fault. Perhaps we weren’t very compatible to begin with.  It’s true you may need to makes some changes in yourself, for example, if you are too needy or too insecure or not attentive enough in the relationship, but the core of who you are should not change.”

“I would reflect mostly on what characteristics of that person turned me off, how the relationship made me change, and what I didn't like about myself in the relationship. I would focus on being who I am by going back to what I personally enjoyed doing and try to make that satisfying enough for me.”

If there is one thing we should take away from this post, it is something that appeared in each person’s answer: take time to get to know yourself.  Learn what your likes and dislikes are.  Learn what inspires you.  Learn what emotions and reactions you have in each situation.  Learn what attachment style you have so that you may be able to prepare yourself for your next relationship.  Strengthen the relationships you have currently with your friends and family so that you have a solid support system.  There is no better time for you to do all of this then when you are single!

Most importantly, before you fall in love with someone else, fall in love with yourself.  Become your own best friend, and shape yourself into the person that you want to be.  Embrace every aspect of who you are, flaws and all.  Because, just as my friend said above, when you know yourself, you have so much more to offer.  We need to enjoy this season of singleness, because chances are it won’t last forever.